Bad Days

Bad days. We all have them. They're nothing out of the ordinary. They just happen. I suppost we have some control over this. But not an awful lot. And today was a bad day. In reflection it wasn't that bad, but it wasn't amazing or great or anything like that. It may have just been mundane, but it was bad in comparison to some other days I have had. So, this is my bad day that is really bugging me!

Waking up to a text from 3 hours ago is not the most pleasant thing in the world to be honest. Especially if there are two. Oopps. But to explain why it annoyed me, read this post from a while ago: http://octaveofviolet.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/im-so-scared-and-i-hate-you.html  This post was not directed at anybody. Not a single person! It was my hate for this thing that is in my head controlling everything I feel towards food and eating. That is all! That bugged me okay. I didn't realise it untill I got to school and saw someone. And I'm sorry. So sorry.

The next thing that made my day seem poop was a counselling session I had. They think I'm bordering on anorexea and want to refer me to CAMHS. Yes, it is probably the right thing to do. But to tell the truth I'm scared. I don't want it to happen. And nobody seems to get that. Sorry again if that is rude. But I'm scared and pretty annoyed! Yes, I admit I need help, but no, my parents will never know. Sorry if that seems stubborn. So yeah. Five days into the school year and already my GCSEs are looking like they won't happen. Great. People don't really understand how much effort I have to put in to even get a C grade. I'm not naturally that clever. I just work so incredibly hard. And yet thy all seem to bot see that. They think "oh look you're in top sets you must be clever". Well news flash people: I struggle a lot in these sets but I put so much hard work in, it's okay and I keep up. I don't want to screw up everything because I'm too scared to eat. And by everything I mean friendships, my future, other people's future and my last year at school.

Next up on the list is right now this very second. I know I'll regret this post later. I don't care right now. I don't care if the overwhnlmingly sweet pinkish-blue shower of regret will rain down on me later on. I'm scared. I know I say it a lot. But I'm angry too. I just want someone to talk to about this. I don't really know what's going on in my head right now. Something probably. But it's such a jumbled mess I don't know. Yes, I'm ranting and I'm writing down everything that pops into the writing part of my head. But I don't really want to get depressed again and suicidal because then I will loose everything. So screw that. Nothing is going  to bring me down! Ever again. I love life too much. And yeah, the very vast majority of my mates are in relationships. That would be nice to be in a relationship. But who could ever put up with someone who is like an emotional yo-yo and has a huge fear of food? Come on, who would ever like that? Now I'm just being silly. I don't know where this is going. But I hope someone reads it. That would mean a lot. So if your still reading, sorry about this. But thank you. Again, I apologise for the ranting. It's a bit much. But I feel a lot better. Thanks for reading if you read it.