Outlook

Right. So I am writing this on this slightly over cast Friday morning as there is a lot to think about before I even go anywhere or do anything. There is a kind of semi state of panic going through my mind. No I lie, it's a bit more than that.

Okay. So today people are going to look at me like "whoa, what's up with you? Did you swallow a whale?" See in my head this morning I am horrible and whale like. I feel quite large and I look it. I have to exercise (what I'm doing right now) for as long as I can and as hard as I can. My poor bike is going to be tired. But I feel really panicked by what I've eaten in the past 12 hours. I mean bread is just off the lost for ever now. So is most dairy and all sweet food. It makes me feel so horrible.

Seriously, people are just going to look at me really funny today. I must have put on loads of weight. I look horrible. I feel disgusting and evil. I honestly don't think I can eat anything today. It just all looks so evil and mean. And so full of calories. Ahhh. I really need to burn them off before I set out the door. It's cool. I have half an hour yet.

This probably sounds really stupid to you all. But food just makes me panic. It will be a miracle if I eat between now and Saturday. No joke. I feel so disgusting. I want to rip out my insides and my heart and brain and get rid of them. I hate this so much. I have to get rid of it or others and myself will suffer. Just the smell of food. No. It's bad and wrong. I have to exercise. I can't eat. Just look at me? I look fricken disgusting! That's because I am.

I want to get rid of every calorie that has entered my system in the past two days. It scares me. People look at me funny. I have to do this. I can't eat anything. I physically can't. I have to work it off. An average person burns 1,500 calories just doing nothing all day. So if you eat less than that you'll lose weight. Take the 500 away as that is how much your brain uses. Then another 100 to give you a margin to go over just slightly. That leaves 900 calories a day. I want to half it to 450. Maybe 500. A person can live on that.

People just don't get it. They don't see what I see or feel what I feel. So the outlook for today: panic, annoy a few people with this by accident (face it, a fair few of the people I know are not going to like it), panic. Erg. I feel like such  a disgusting human being. And I won't be allowed to run later either. And I really need to. I need to get rid of this feeling. All this guilt and yellow and self hate. I'll flip if I don't get to run. Just one more time. Please! I really need to do this.

Haha. I'm freaking out again. People will see my like a huge thing. Ahhh. It's really important that I do this. I'm scared. I need to do this. It's really important and saying no is not going to work. Just let me run please. And I promise I won't over do it. I just need to run. Please.