A Helping Hand.

I've had a day to think over some stuff. And I've come to the conclusion that I would like some help. I'm not going to let the demon in my head win. But how I came to this conclusion that means the most, I think.

So, I've wanted help for a while because I'm so scared and unsure what to do. So why am I backing out of this? Truth is I don't know what to expect and we don't like the unexpected US humans. Although we are told 'expect the unexpected'. And maybe this time, I have to take a step forward and let the control that I love over things be taken away. That might help me.

Next it was something a friend said to me last night: 'GCSE year'. And I don't want to screw up my GCSEs. I can't screw them up if I want to be a doctor. They have to go well. Really well. And my friends can't afford to fail them or screw them up, so it's best for them. It's best for them that this gets sorted.

Another friend said to me today three words that perhaps were the most terrifying thing I heard all day: 'force feed you'. NO! NOT EVER! If I'm going to do this I still want some control. So I have to show signs of getting better to avoid this. It's not ever going to happen to me. I'd like to think I'm strong enough to avoid this.

Yesterday a mate made me eat carbs. It took longer than it should have. And afterwards I spent close to two hours in a panic. It was bad. I'm sorry he saw it. He did the right thing after all. And then he said a blunt, cutting scentance that was along the lines of: 'This is why you're going there' or something like that. But it hit home... hard.

Then perhaps the thing that made me realise this the most, was twentyish minutes today with three mates. Apparently writing down calories in a book is a sign of anorexea. And the fact that they think it, well... there has to be some truth in that right? One of them is always right when it comes to stuff like this. And yes, I should probably listen to him. And I will. So like the good mate he is, he took the note book away. Thank you. Yes I was angry and upset and annoyed; it was the right thing and meant that change is coming. But I'll get over the constant need to count calories. But then foolishly he gave the book to a guy who gave it straight back to me. He said he didn't want his parents to read it or find it. And after 3 hours of thinking about it... it went in the bin in the middle of town. I don't want it. Not if I'm going to get better.

So whether it is the start of anorexea or just a bad habit, I'm getting help. I don't care anymore if the change will be hard. But there is too much I don't want to lose. And I don't want this to become any worse. So thank you guys for being amazing friends. You've really gone above and beyond as friends. I love you all. And it's all going to be okay.

By the way, you with the green voice: you've outdone yourself. You wear your heart on your sleeves and are a too good a friend for someone like me after I've constantly let you down.  You are truly amazing, and I really couldn't have come to this decision if it wasn't that one word you said: 'anorexea'.