Trying to Die…

The last time I tried to die, I almost lost everything and ended up hurting the people who I care about . I cut my arms and legs and I was going to hang myself. That was over a month ago. And I am telling you one thing, never again. Because of my selfishness, not only did I nearly loose my life, but I almost lost my friends. My friends who cared and tried to help me so much. I love you guys.

When I cut myself, it feels like all the tension inside my head is being released. It runs out of my veins in a red river. It's a big tangled ball of yarn that is a bright, shining, glaring white. The sort of white you'd imagine an angel of God's to have. It's glaring. And the only way to dull it, or so it seemed, was to add a bright, bright hot pink to it- the colour if pain.

Pain is like the hottest hot pink you have ever seen, but intensified by a thousand times. It's horrible and bright. Just something with a flicker of that colour in is enough to make me want to throw up and at the very least, curl up in a ball and shut off every connection to the world.

But when it's mixed with the glaring, bright, sterile white of tension, it clouds everything in a cloudy haze of pink and it becomes bearable. It's almost like sacrificial protection. It stays in place untill the tension inside your mind grows so huge that the pink is worn away and you have to start over again. And mix that with the pink-grey hue fog of depression and it seems never ending.

This is that evening:

So, you feel so rubbish, stressed, upset and angry with every part of your self. You've put on the smallest amount of weight, and at that point in time, you want to die, to not feel what was going on inside and to find away out of this never ending circle of colours...

You cut yourself. All up your shoulder and on both legs. And as horrible has it may seem, but watching everything bad run out in your blood, it was, it should have been, magnificent. But it wasn't!

You feel so bad that you've let your friends down. Especially after all the hard work, time and everything they'd put in. And knowing that they would be angry, upset, disappointed and let down was the worst feeling you have ever experience. Ever!

It was like a deep yellowish-brown explosion that started in your heart and slowly rotted outwards, and at the very edges it was a burnt brown. And just before that it was a green-brown sludge. Every inch you feels like a thick, mouldy, sludge.

Then the tears hit.

Sadness rushes over you, but only mixes with this sludge of an emotion. So what comes next?

Sitting on your bedroom floor, you make a noose. But then the colour of everyone's voices rush over you. And you see them at their happiest- a hint of silver at the edges of them. Framing them. Making them look even more beautiful. And then you see all their voices again. This time they are the frame for the blue-grey wash of sadness which in some cases turns to depression. And then you think: 'I can't do this! It's not right!' And you unknot the noose and talk to a friend.

They are clearly disappointed and they can't help you. You deserve this. They have every right to not want to help. But he stays online as late as he can to talk to you. But because he can't help, you have to text the one person who you didn't want to because you think that if he found out that you'd done it again you'd loose his friendship...

The next day you are so depressed. You don't want to move. You just want to lie there. You don't want to have to fave the people you've let down. You still feel like sludge. But begrudgingly, you drag yourself out of bed and get ready for school. And instantly, from the first look he gives you, you know you have most probably lost a best mate. And you deserve it.

So, you think you've lost him. This guy with the most beautiful voice in the world. You think he hates your guts. But somewhere deep down inside, he has found something and is still talking to you. He doesn't trust you. But at least you haven't lost him.  You don't ever want to loose him because he is such as good friend and has done so much for you.

But because of what you have done, you feel so much yellow guilt and you are just hoping that over the summer you can change. You can pull yourself together. Because you have seen how close you have come to losing your life and to losing those people who mean the most to you.

I am so sorry to all of you!