Where To Go...

I know that there are thousands of people who have wanted to kill themselves and I know that there are thousands of people who starve themselves and count calories. And to do something about it feels fantastic. And what happens next, is entirely down to that person!

When I eat, I feel guilty. Incredibly guilty. Guilt is a strong yellow. It's like an acrylic yellow you get, sort of like the shade of those hideous plastic boxes. It's edges are tinged with brown circles. The brown is almost like the shade of the bruise you get on bananas. Guilt builds up in tiny little squares. It starts to build up in the bottom of your thought and ends up deep in the centre of your head. So every time I eat more than a set number of calories (900), I feel so guilty I have to burn off twice the amount I have eaten and on the now rare occasion I will throw it up. That stops the guilt.

I am not going to lie, but I have to know how many calories I have eaten or will be eating as otherwise I won't eat. And I do try to eat, although the feeling of starvation is amazing. I try to eat because it is what is best for others, although I hate myself just a little bit more every time I finish a meal. It's that feeling that you have gone over the amount you are supposed to eat and the fear that you will somehow not only make yourself fat, but others too. And I know that it's not real. But the fear is there.

Fear is a deep reddish-orange. The red is a bright scarlet red, but then muted down by black. And the orange is like the deep purple you get on velvet, but orange. That will make no sense but I can't think of anything with the right shade. But that is fear. And the colour is so intense, there is no way to escape it. It is always there. Never leaves. It shades my thoughts in that colour and everything I do, the fear of, it's not even food, the fear of guilt, maybe? Well that fear is constantly there. And I would love for it to go.

So counting calories is one way to combat it in a way. It shows the colour that I have control. And that my thoughts don't have to be the shade. They can be free to shade themselves accordingly. But then counting calories has got out of control because I won't eat it unless I know the amount of calories that are in it. Fear has won again.

Fear is now ruling everything. Everything I do, the amount of calories burnt and the amount taken in is always on my mind. The guilt and the feeling of being disgusting that accompanies eating is over whelming. The constant battle to lose weight so that others don't get fat too. What started of as only feeling guilty as turned into something full of a lot more fear.

I have tried so hard to get over myself and this stupid fear. But I can't. And it is disappointing. I thought I'd been doing well by gaining a small amount of weight, but now that the thought has embedded itself deep in the centre of my brain, to be honest, I am petrified and will do anything to lose ten times the amount I have gained. It is controlling my life. And I can't deal with it.

The people who are closest to me don't know this. I'm getting good at hiding it again. But a fair few of them will read this, and guys... This is how I am telling you I am struggling to get over this. Hopefully this and the one on starvation has given you a bit of an insight to why.

Help me somebody. Please.