Josh Turner

So, yeah, I admit it... I am an obsessive person! But who isn't? If there is something that you love and is just so amazing then why not listen to it on repeat for months on end?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlOjsJ4pCDY

Josh Turner is a country singer from America and his voice is just so unbelievable! It is magical! It is a creamy purple. And then the low gruff parts he sings is in a fluffy dark blue. The main part of his voice is the colour of an off set cream fabric colour. It is really lovely. So sweet and soulful and honest. Its still got that odd custardy colour in it. But the off set cream is more prominent. And then you have a dark purple, a bit like the colour of the rose in my picture, but it has had nail varnish remover dropped over it and the purple has faded out all over the cream and only the purple has run creating this stained tie-dye effect. The blue is like a dark jeans blue shade and it looks like it has been dunked in cotton wool and the colour has rubbed off on it.

Seriously, this mans voice is so beautiful! It's a sexy mish mash.. Its one of the few voices that I could listen to all day. He has a handsome voice. It just has that safe tone to it. And the way it just wraps it around you in a sexy kinda way. So beautiful!

So anyway, it's a lovely voice!

Starlight!

There is something about looking up at the night sky and seeing all the stars smiling (or frowning) back down at you! It is beautiful but at the same time makes you feel completely and utterly worthless! The way that they make the sky seem a deep, deep, rich velvety navy-royal blue! They just bring out the colour of the sky!

Then the night air tastes and smells so different to the normal air in the day! It tastes and smells crisper and fresher and cleaner! Then with the stars it tastes like a cascade of raining diamonds in a grey light! Flickers of light just falling down and shimmering and shining in every direction!

And if you sit in the middle of a field with a fire gently crackling in burgundy flecks and the grass damp beneath your blanket and a cup of tea by the fire and lie down and just look at the sky, you can hear the most beautiful music. Its so quite and the colours and shapes of all the little noises create an orchestra in your vision...

The burgundy flecks of the fire is the harp playing so softly. The gentile hum of all the insects are the violins and violas in an orange buzz. The occasional pass of a car goes by in a fizz of haribo and is the drum. The owl is the piano in a shower of blues and purples and greens. The rustle of the leaves is the collection of clarinets, oboes and bassoons in a wisp of  yellows and mellow greens and blues. The taste of the air creates the flutes. And the quiet sound of your breathing creates the royal red of the cello. Finally the stars create the deep, deep, rich, velvety navy-royal blue of the Bass...

BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds mad, but that's just me!

Explosion!

I  want to share something with you. Just so one of you can see something and understand. So feel special little people, the cyber monkeys have not got this one!

I've spent two weeks trying to get this word perfect and the descriptions just right. I want to tell you what it looks and feels like but somehow, words always fail me. Sounding stupid now. And I remember that one when my dear Alexeo wrote the cutest post to Maya (seriously how did it not make you cry!?!?!?) that you would be mortified if someone did that to you. Well, I'm sorry but I want you to see just how magical it is!

It is an explosion of deep beautiful greens and silver. Then a wash of violet and then swirl of that blue-green turquoise so pure and deep. The silver of others happiness exploding in this new colour you've never seen...

Such a deep and beautiful colour. So green. It is a dark deep velvet green. So earthy and moss like but so vibrant and alive. It explodes like a paint tin falling of a shelf and the paint spilling out... just a freeze frame of that one moment. And then the silver balls shoot out and leave a trail of silver, like a comet...

...It then gets washed with a pale beautiful icy huge of violet. There is so much violet it is like a storm of the most beautiful octave in the world. It swirls around like the twisting shape of galaxies and for a few moments it darkens into a richer, more amethyst purple. It doesn't pulsate but just gradually changes purple, but the whole time it is still that violet, that same beautiful violet that is like swallowing and ice cube on a hot day. The same purple that just somehow refreshes you ...

... then happiness... The beautiful depths of my happiness and the silver. It swirls about. It is so beautiful. It's not like the happiness I described happiness as pure happiness. Its more like joy but pure joy and happiness mixed together in a blue-green haze. It looks like pencil shading, You can see the lines of the pencil... but its soft. Its intense. Brighter. It stares at you. It swirls around you. Like a fog, just engulfing you. It is amazing. So beautiful....

... A rich turquoise so shiny and almost reflective explodes across me but it is confined to one area (makes sense to me- don't judge). It is again' like that paint falling off the shelf and you have that image of it frozen just as it begins to expand... that beautiful messy shape. The turquoise is made of such a rich, royal blue. Not quite your typical navy, but more like the 'Cryola' version. And the green is a jade green and then there is a mix of yellow. It is such a rich turquoise... It is the only time I see it, I don't know what to quite call it... but it is so beautiful...

I hope you don't get the wrong idea about this post. Seriously, I don't know how it will come across to you bunch of strangers. But this has taken me hours to get right. Every word is chosen so carefully. You know I don't see the world how others do, and this is what I see when I'm with you!

Luv ya!! XX

Such A Good Day I'm Crying

So, it has been the most amazing day ever! I have the most amazingly fantastic friends in the whole wide world and most definitely in the entire of existance! They make me so happy and every day with them is so beautiful! I love everyone of them!

It has been such a good day with ma girls. And the two guys. But it was lovely to see my close group of girls again. Those girls are the most amazing, funny, clever, lovely and beautiful girls you will ever come across. They are all so talented whether it be academically or musically or creatively. They are the most talented six girls you will ever meet or know of! One of them drew these amazingly stunning pictures of Disney characters for me. They are so good. I love it with all my heart. And another is so clever that she is so going to get that scholarship she wants and she is going to Japan! She got selected from thousands of people to go! WOW! She is so lovely. They all are! I love everyone one of you more than life itself! Thank you!

And the two guys who are always there. I love the pair of them so much! They are like two fantastic people! They are two fantabulous people. And sometimes I think I don't deserve friends like them. Words can't explain how great they are. They are two of the most talented people I know. I'll kill you if you dare disagree with me! They are funny, clever, stupid, goofy and two of the most genuine people alive on this planet! Despite ones walrusness and the others ridiculous self doubt I love them as much as my girls. Six/eight months ago I barely knew them and now... now they are there and so kindly made me a part of their group. Ones even got one of my best girls. Be nice to her. I love these guys so much.

I have had the best few days. I don't want today to end. I got home today and cried with happiness. The green I feel inside is so beautiful. It feels like it is about to burst out and engulf the world in a beautiful blueish green turquoise. It's beautiful. But it's not even that colour. It's like someone has shattered and emerald into thousands of beautiful green shards and mixed it with this beautiful shade of turquoise that's not really turquoise. It is just b so beautiful. I don't know why I'm crying.

Seriously the memories I'm going to have from today are going to be so green. I want to patchwork them into some sort of mental blanket and have it forever! I have never been so happy. Ever. I don't think happiness has ever made me cry. Only a group of mad people do that to you. And they are the best people in the whole world. How can people turn their backs on guys and girls like those people? I just don't understand. They are the most amazing people to ever walk the earth! I love you all so much!!

Colours Of The Wind

Disney's 'Pocahontas'. See, Disney does actually have a reference to everything even if they don't know it. So next time someone dares to criticize it, just remember your whole childhood and you child's childhood will be based on it. A fair number of classic stories come from Disney and they have made classics unique. So don't even begin to criticize. You will be hunted down and killed. 

But I was struggling for a name for this post, and low and behold, whilst listening to six hours of Disney music (because I'm awesome), the perfect song came on! Genius really. So, there is a storm coming. And that means lots of wind and rain. I love the rain. Go read about it. But the wind is also quite awesome. Well... discounting the hair going everywhere and the skirts blowing up flashing everyone and the umbrellas turning inside out. But it is mostly good. Apart from the tornadoes and hurricanes and cyclones. But hey. That's life for you. 

But in my room there is a chimney. It's unblocked and theoretically I could have a fire in it. But to be honest, I'd probably end up setting fire to the mass collection of books I have and probably my bed as well. The bed wouldn't bother me. But the books. Man, some serious murder might take place. You take my books, you take my soul. Or at least a portion of it. 

But when the wind is strong it is really loud in my room because it comes down the chimney in a paint stroke of blue and red. It just sweeps down the chimney like a wrong way round chimney sweep. 'Mary Poppins' another Disney movie! It makes chimney sweeps cool. 

The blue is a sort of acrylic looking dark blue. But like it has had black mixed in to make that cheep home made darker blue. It's a muted shade. Not as bright as you would expect it to be. It is quite blue nevertheless. The red is the shade of red you get when you mix it with a tiny bit of blue poster paint when you are a small, creative child. It's not purple but it is still red.  It's shiny but at the same time a muted shade. Imagine the shade and then put a layer of PVA glue on it and leave it to dry to make it shiny.

The paint strokes are individual lines that follow in the same direction but there are clumps of lines in different thicknesses. And some clumps start in different places and may be more splodgy than others. It looks like a paint stroke when there is a little paint left and you are trying to get the last of the paint used up. 

So yeah. That is what I am expecting to see in the up coming twenty-four hours. It should be fun.

Call Me Crazy, But...

Call me crazy, but the colours are dancing like a party! It is awesome! They are so much brighter and just seem to be dancing as if there is music in my head. Upbeat, get up and dance, party music. It is awesome!

It's like the yo-yo has gone up and is staying on a high. Woo! Party! Loving life! So many plans and thoughts just buzzing through my mind. I could plan out my future in the next five minutes where it would usually take a week or two normally on one of these awesome high moods.

I will go to college, take the IB or four/five A-levels. The IB options I would take would be Spanish, English and performance, Biology, Chemistry, Maths and Psychology. The A-levels I would take would be Biology, Chemistry, Religious Studies, Psychology and possibly English Literature or Maths. Then I'll go to university to study medicine.  I'll do my rotations and either specialise in Cardio-vascular surgery, Neurology, Psychiatry or Emergency medicine. I'd love to get a job as a cardiac surgeon. I'd like a guy who loves me. Who gets me for me. That would be nice. But it is not essential. I would love a successful career. To just be so involved in medicine, my passion, and save so many people and just to help them. Improve their quality of life.

If I ever have a family, we'd have a dark blue VW camper van. Just for holidays. We'd walk and cycle everywhere else. Have a healthy lifestyle. Meals would always have a set time and bet set out on the table so everyone can help themselves. We would have a family meal at least once a week. The children would all play an instrument and do a sport. It wouldn't be controlling, but they would be able to choose as long as they did that. We'd have two cats and they'd each get a guinea pig when they are five, to teach them responsibility. The house would have two music rooms. One with a grand piano in the centre on a raised platform. It would have pale walls and one glass wall that overlooks either the garden or the woods or fields or the sea or something beautiful. The other would have other instruments in. We'd go to Church on a Sunday, but the children would be allowed to make their own minds up about their faith. They'd be taught to cook. There will be a room dedicated entirely to books. I'd get married either in a picturesque Church or in the middle of a field with woods on one side under a arch made of recycled wood. The chairs would be mix-matched in style but all the same colour. It will be a sunny day and there would be a barn for shelter. The blue VW would be in the barn with a white bow on it. There would be no alcohol.

But at the moment, I am going to work so hard to achieve A*'s and A's in all my GCSE's. I'm going to volunteer with St. Johns Ambulance service and do my silver DofE then my gold. I am going to take up running again and do yoga, got to replace my Karate with something. I'm going to get back into reading. I'm going to study and not destroy my future. I'd love to learn a new skill. Something useful. I'm going to get work experience placements in hospitals, and a job. Everything is going to be planned out and perfect. Nothing is going to stop me. When I set a goal or target,  I am going to stick to it and achieve it. Nothing is going to stop me from being the best I can possibly be and achieving what I can achieve. Nothing! I will make the most out of the person I could possibly be!

I want to party, go to Glasgow or go on a shopping spree. Just something to celebrate this awesome revolution. I just want to let go and start again. Erase all the bad and fill it with good and happiness. Seriously, green is the best thing ever. It makes me think I can do anything, that;s because I can. So bring on the Latin and Physics. But I am so ready for this new beginning. Out with the bad. Bad foods, bad thoughts and bad emotions and in with the best things. Life is changing and for the better!

Misery And German Sandwiches

I've been feeling really rather miserable, pissed off, angry and sad the past few days. It has been so fun... annoying others, pissing them off, getting angry for no reason, crying most evenings and mornings... loved every minute... not! I don't know, but I kind of feel like depression is coming back and is going to bite me on the butt. Whoop de doo. But then again, it could have just been the past few days. I can't remember. Everything just seems a trifle glum.

I need a place to stay. Home is no fun. Home is supposed to be relaxed. But I'm telling you, relaxed doesn't fit for this house. Tension. Tension. Tension. And people don't believe it, or don't care, or don't see it as they don't live here. Well if you did, and you lived in my head, or even your own, you would see it. You would understand. I promise. And yeah, I know I'm lucky to have the family that I have. They're not the worst... But they're not the best either. I don't get on too well with any of them.

So yeah, glum. Bad days. I physically can't learn my German course work. It's just not going in. I want to cry. I'm pretty darn miserable. And yeah. The German. Before 11, I have to know a 600 word script pretty much back to front in German and English, three questions and a few escape questions. I also have to write a 30 word sheet and find a picture. Normally I am very good at learning these things before hand, but my head is messed up and I cannot absorb any of it. So I'm ditching sleep and hoping that I can remember a few complex sentences and a few tenses and questions before tomorrow. And when in the exam, I hope I don't cry or something. That would be humiliating.

So yeah. Stress. Miserable. Dread. Why can't we be void of emotion. For one thing it would get rid of a few colours that I really can't be asked with at the moment, and it would make the German so much easier.

Okay, so voices alter to match the language. And German is this strange kind of orange colour. Imagine you have a yellow highlighter. Draw a straight line with it, don't use a ruler and use the whole width of the pen. Now, take a pink one and try to follow the line of yellow as best as you can, but let it run from the edge if that happens. The colour of the middle of that line, the pink on yellow, makes a strange orange colour. That is as close as I can get to describing the colour of German. It's not particularly pleasant, but it is not horrifying either.

The teachers voice, well it's the colour of a rather dull red velvet cake. It has had all the life drained out of it. There is not that shock of red you get. It is a ribbon of red. But a washed out red. Okay, when I say ribbon, I mean it is an endless line of red that wavers up and down, but it doesn't do it in a spikey manner, nor does it do it in a curvy manor... it just looks sort of ribbony.

Now mix this dark, faded, washed out red velvet cake red with the strange orange. What do you get? An interesting brown. Woo! That colour is just really unpleasant. It is so erg and sticky looking. I just don't particularly like it when he speaks German. It's an endless waves line of a red-brown-orange.

But what can be done? Just got to live with it and get on with life. That's what we all have to do. If you don't get on with it, well you're doomed in life little ones. Doomed! Things are rarely going to turn out as you'd like them to. People aren't always going to get on with you and people aren't always going to love you. Just accept it and draw a line under it and move on. If you can't move on... good luck in life! You'll need it. 

Guilty Minds

Imagine this:

You do something that you know you shouldn't have done, I don't know, you push a small child in front of a car or something to save your own life. Or you have a huge argument with someone and you say some mean stuff. I don't know. But pick something that makes you feel guilty.

Next, intensify that feeling by a million and a voice into your head that tells you what to do. Push that small child in front of that car, start that fight and be really mean. That is the voice telling you to do that. Always there. Always talking to you. It is a battle in your head constantly between your conscience and that voice. Who wins? You don't know.

Now, that feeling of guilt. The bright acrylic yellow that you see on plastic. The shade is similar to some of the plastic we used to have in our DT classes. And then around the edges are these circles, the colour of a bruise you get on a banana all mushy and brown and frankly unappealing. You feel this build up of guilt in your throat. It builds up and up and up until it reaches your head. This pile up of hundreds of sharp edged squares. Erg. Guilt is a mean bean!

Then mix the build up of guilt with tension. The growing ball of tension that swells inside your head. The blinding, bright, glare of a white so sterile it would seem out of place in an operating theatre.

So the mix between the two, it's like a mouldy-yellow-cough medicine sort of thing. It is horrible and glares at you light a bright light when you turn a light on in the middle of the night. It builds up in your head. You just want to get rid of it.

Now then, every way of removing this tension is removed from your life because people care too much. Now that is torture on a plate. So yeah.

Tomorrow is a new day. Next week is a new week. Lets start it off with a clean page. No carrying over. Let's make a stand. Lets be happy. And not feel like this guilt is being forced upon you. Bring on the tears and the fights. But I'd much rather be happy then depressed. Who wouldn't?

So yeah. I've been feeling pretty low for a few weeks. And next week, I am so changing that. The past week has been awful. I'm doing this my way. Happy and less guilt and less of this desire to hurt myself to get rid of it.

So I here by promise you, that I will do what ever it takes to be happy and stay alive.

Bad Night

So, I'm lying here, looking at my bedroom ceiling with billions of thoughts running around in my head. Some are great thoughts. Some are rubbish. But that's just how it is. Some things in life are great and others are rubbish.

I had a great day on Friday with two of my best mates. We had fun. And I've had an okayish day today I suppose. Stuff happened. But yeah, stuff happens in life and what are we going to do about it? Quite a lot of the time it feels like we can do nothing. A green-grey feeling of helplessness.

Helplessness is a very dark, musty, greyish olive green. It's got that merkyness to it that you would see in really stagnant, dirty water. The grey is like a smokey grey, the kind you see from bonfires. That heavy thin covering of grey. The feeling of helplessness swirls around like a tornado and destroys things that it comes into contact with.

Again, I'm going back to my time machine and this time I would do today and the very end of yesterday differently. I feel like I've put an enormous burden on some people's shoulders and at the same time dug my own grave and jumped straight on in to it. Woo! Go grave digging!

But at the same time I feel like I've taken three steps forward. There were three things which needed to be done, so this equates to three steps. It's lovely to feel like "hey, I've done something positive and its the first in a long time. Woo! Go me", but at the same time it's almost disappointing. It does feel like so much of the stuff that I adore is going to be snatched away. And guess what? I'm nit going down with out a fight!

It does feel like there is a score board in my head. Two teams battling for the trophy. The me part and the not me part. So far they're even. Maybe the not me is winning. Maybe the me is winning. Who knows? Only time will tell.

But, yeah, life goes on. Stuff happens. My parents told me this weekend that I have some amazing friends. And I do. I have THE most amazing friends in the entire universe. Because without them, well life would be a far more boring thing.

Can I sleep? Noooo. Too many thoughts. It feels like it's going to be a rough night. Ahhh well. The last rough night I had, I spent it cycling. That was fun. But I did regret the next day. Falling asleep in every lesson. Fun times.

Differance Between Happiness

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. And one thing that cropped up, was the difference between the silver happiness and the blue-green-turquoise happiness. And I have come to a conclusion...

So, the silver circles of happiness is for the happiness that you get from others. You know when someone has a happy vibe and it catches, it's like that. You feel happy because they are happy and you can't help but feel happy for them. You can't help but feel happy about everything. You catch it from others and you feel other people's happiness. So in a way, it doesn't start out as your happiness, but it becomes it through others.

The blue-green-turquoise happiness is your happiness. It is so pure and up their. It is hyper and awesome. It is what you feel because you are so in love with something. You feel it for no reason. You feel it because something amazing has happened. You feel it because you are you and you love it. It's like it has joy mixed in with it. It is such a pure emotion that belongs only to you. It is that happiness. The happiness where nothing is going to bring you down. The happiness where all you can think of is how awesome everything is. It is down to you only.

So, that is the difference between happiness. I don't know if that made sense. But it did to me.

Keeping Calm

What do you do when you panic? When you freak out? When you are so close to going back into bad habits? When you are scared and angry? Seriously, when you are as far away as possible from calm... What do you do? Me, I write it down several times and then try to make it seem logical. The amount of times I have written this post is just too many. It started off as an angry rant, then a low down of the day, then a confession of self hate and now it's about something.

So why am I panicking? Well this sounds very stupid, but I'm 59 calories over 900 calories. I feel so guilty and worthless. But I'm trying to find logic and reason in the fact that it is still less than 1000, which is less than a half. But no, it's not working. I want to get up really early tomorrow and run for hours. But no, I can't do that can I? I hate choosing not to run. I'd much rather have my friends, but I wish they'd understand why I need to run. Just once a week. It can't do any harm. Not really. 

I am also extremely angry. I don't think I haven't gotten annoyed at anyone this evening. I have gotten annoyed with anyone who spoke to me at some point. And do you know what it is like to see so many orange triangles shatter in front of your eyes? It's an explosion of bright orange glass. It shatters towards you. So yeah, anger does get very annoying. This constant shattering of bright orange. 

I got so angry at one point today that I wanted to cut myself just to get rid of it. Bad habit. But I didn't. I grabbed a guy with a green voice. A calm voice. And made him talk. It's funny that just by seeing his voice, it made you think calm. That dude is a legend. He spoke about a cafe or something in Spanish. Thank you. 

So yeah, I feel very guilty. This makes me angry. Usually, I'd run to get rid of anger. But I can't. So I'm kind of stuck in this cycle between anger and guilt and guilt and anger. On and on it loops in a circle. Just let me run! Would you rather I ran behind your back (I am so close to doing that), and over did it. Or, would you rather I ran with your knowledge, but you had a say in it? Let me run! It would make this whole thing so much easier to deal with! 

TURIN BRAKES!

Turin Brakes are amazing! They write some beautiful music. Yes, the lyrics are odd and dark, but the music itself is so amazing. I love their music as much as life itself! It is so awesome!

So I spent my afternoon in a small, crowded record shop just to listen to them play a few songs. It was amazing! They are really short and funny. But it was the best forty-five minutes of my life! They played a few songs, four or five. Three from their new album: 'We were hear' and two from older albums. It was AMAZING!

Now, being the stalker of a fan I am, I got all three of my albums signed (They have six, but the other three are on the computer) and I got my picture with them! They are really nice guys!

So the music itself is what made me fall in love with them. The lead singer, Olly Knights, has a voice that makes my knees go weak. It is a gorgeous shade of green. It is rich and like the colour of an emerald. It has that glorious green shine to it. It is so deep and gentle and beautiful. It just engulfs you in a veil of greenness.
And then you have the light green Tuesday of the guitar and the slightly more greener-green of the other guitar in those zigzags. And the dark blue of the harmony that Olly does with Gale. Gales voice is such a lovely peaceful blue. It is a dark sapphireish blue. Maybe a bit lighter and less deep and more see through.  And the circles of the drums in the pinkish-red that just dance around. And the gentle explosion of stars in a cascade of orange and rose and indigo from the tambourine with the bells on. And the tiny, tiny, tiny triangles with rounded edges of the maraca that swirl in a washed out orange and red rain like down wards spiral, like the things you get in gardens that seem to disappear after a certain point. It just all interlocks so beautifully.

And then the violet hue that just melts into it. The love they show for their music is unreal. It is just so magical. It blends really well and it just looks so beautiful. Their music does sound slightly ethereal, but it is amazing and so unique it is impossible not to fall in love with it.

So here are some videos and pictures of the gig. Sorry about my poop singing in the background and stuff. But it was contagious!!

Well, there are a few videos. There are four of them, but to be honest, you're probably bored and the filming is so poor you aren't even listening. And I can't get them to upload. So ya know. But it was an amazing day! I LOVE IT!

Trust

Trust is the foundation for any sort of relationship in love. With out it, well you're going nowhere in life. You trust your friends to be there, to help, to be awesome. You trust your doctor to make the right call. You trust a heart surgeon to keep you alive. You have to trust other people, or life is just not going to work well for you. But then again you have to be trusted by other people in life or you are stuck. So damn stuck.

But when the trust you place in people is broken, man that is heart breaking. You feel a chill that touches the very core of you. So many emotions rush through you. You feel so many things but at the same time so dead. Next you are crashed into by a wave of an unbearable heat that just touches the surface of you. Then you're alone. Everything comes crashing down. All this dark red- the same colour as the word velvet. You're broken by the end of it. Heart break. And on top of that you feel like you are being torn in half by a tug of war game. Yellowish-pink stitches burst and you feel like someone is cutting you up with a saw. That's when your trust is broken. It is a horrible feeling.

Image from leadingwithtrust.com

Now saying all of that, trust itself is yellowy-blue. No it's not green. I would have written that otherwise. But it is a dark blue that is swirled in a clockwise direction with a yellow. It only mixes very slightly where it touches. It has the texture of acrylic paint after it has dried. It has different levels and is all up and down. Okay, it probably doesn't sound very nice, but believe me when I say it is.

So we've all had our trust broken right? It makes you feel like you could never trust someone again. And to be honest with you, it still feels like that sometimes. I trust people, but if they broke that trust... I don't know. Depends what it was. But people always used to break my trust in them. The mean beans. So forgive me if I'm selective with who I trust. The last person to break my trust, well I tried to push him down some stairs. The mean bean he was. Grrrr.

But being the hypocrite I am, I break peoples trust. Far too often to be fair. It is a bad habit of mine. A very bad habit. I wouldn't be surprised to wake up one day and find that people have left me and don't trust me. That's why I'm trying to change my ways. I can't live without human contact from people who take me for who I am. Sounds silly, but it hurts when people don't trust you. It makes you feel alone. Nobody wants to be alone in life. That's just plain miserable.

So trust is the foundation for everything in life. Trust, be trustworthy and don't trust the wrong people. Happy to say the people who I trust haven't broken that trust. This is such a hypocritical post. People just don't trust me. Ahhh well. Changing my ways. Now that sounds funny. TRUST!

Todays Song

'Bird of Sorrow' by Glen Hansard is todays song. And no, it's not Disney. But it is just as beautiful.  The song really means something to me. It really fits today and how everything feels.

Glens voice is a sea of dark green and blue. The green is like the colour of leaves after they have been rained on. It's dark but not too dark. It has shade to it. It's not a block colour like other voices have. The blue is a stormy blue. It is fairly colbolt, but darker. The two shades kind of interlock in this odd way in this jelly beanish sort of motion. There are gaps. There is a touch of a dark violet in the gaps. The whole thing is then washed over with a light, fresh, Tuesdayish green.

The piano underlying the voice spirals and dances around in blue squares. Like a summer sky blue and gradually getting lighter until there is a washed out baby blue. These are the higher notes. Then there is the darker woolly green and the dark brown of beer and a really nice dark violet. But from that G to the second D above middle C it is violet that slowly mixes to the sky blue. That's my favourite octave and a bit.

Then there is the gentle orange hum of the violinish thing and the pink-red-purple beating of the drum kit and the light Tuesday green of the guitar. The whole thing is set on a black background. It's beautiful.

The reason it is today's song is because it's got sad lyrics and a slow tempo but then it builds up into this awesome crash of sound and colour that dances so beautifully. The simplicity and minor key of the piano reflects the feeling of sadness that today has had. The song itself is about Glens mother and how she put up with the drunken rage of his father and how Glen admires her for keeping up hope. And from the aftermath of a fight yesterday, it just fitted today.

The music that Glen writes is so inspirational to me. I love it. I mean where does he find all this emotion to write about? My favourite part is the way he fits "squandered" into it. It's awesome.

So that's today's song. I feel a bit sad but there are some awesome highs. So yeah.

Disappointment

Disappointment is a heavy colour. It's a really heavy, dark, dark purple. It's not really purple as such. It's a greasy, dusty, old-lady purple. It has that look about it like it's been worn so many times and neglected and left to the moths. It is covered in the grey dust of your brains attic, and has that hint of being covered in oil and dirt. It just looks disgusting and dirty and unloved.

Yeah, posted this really because I'm disappointed in myself in some ways for my lack of recent motivation and by the fact I have no attention span. Be nice to have those qualities back. I liked them. Give them back to me you annoying feeling! I want them back! They were fun!

It's Magic!

There is so much magic in life. Not the fairy magic, but beautiful magic. Magic that really exists. A beautiful, heart warming, fantastic and life changing magic.

Hugs are magic! Nothing says it's going to be okay or it's fine or thank you or everything will be okay. Hugs are magic. They make you feel safe and happy. They comfort you and make you feel better inside as you know someone cares. Friends give hugs to say 'hey' or simply they give hugs for the sake of it. I love hugs. They are magic and say so much! Magic is real!

Another magical thing in life is happiness! When a smile spreads across your face and you can't help it. True smiles reach your heart! They make you feel so good. Happiness is amazing. It's a blue-green sort of turquoise. It's really green for turquoise, but it's nothing like the colour of starvation. It's less intense and more green. It's almost like the typical turquoise you see. It's warm and comforting. It's really catchy for a colour. When you see it, you don't forget. It's memorable and the colour is like, well it's like this...

It's like the turquoise on that. It's really pretty and happiness is really pretty! To be honest it's amazing. Happiness is awesome people!

You know, the world is so magical. There is definitely something magic about it. Everything is so complicated and beautiful. There is definitely something more to it than the facts and science we know. I love this mystery; it's magical. And you feel it. You feel it in your heart. Nothing is straight forward. Life is too beautiful for it to be coincidence. There has to be something more. Can't you feel it in your heart? You feel it all around you. The colours of the rain, the colour of people's voices, the way emotions appear, the way music is a dance of colours and numbers and letters like to swim and dance! It's beautiful. It can't be just science. There is so much more. Life is just too beautiful and magical to be a chance. I love it's beauty. You see it don't you? You feel it don't you? If you don't, let it into your heart, you'll feel the magic!

See, there is so much magic in life. Hugs, happiness and life itself. Sorry if it's all I talk about, but life is great. Vetter than great. Just open your eyes and heart... LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!

Honesty

So at the moment honesty is playing on my mind. To be honest I blame myself. If I was to be more honest with myself than maybe I'd be more honest with other people. But then people can't really handle the truth. As humans we don't like it. We find some comfort in lies. Lies protect us and others. Especially if it's a nasty truth.

I find other people who are honest really funny. It's amusing as they don't really hold back. They just say what they think. And it's often really funny because you too might think that and you laugh. Maybe I'm just weird, but honesty can be the most amusing thing in the universe sometimes.

Honesty takes a lot of courage to. To openly tell someone what you think or what you've done is never going to be easy. But if you so it... Well you're a brave soul. People react differently to the truth. And I suppose it defines us an individual in one way. But it's also annoying as no two person is exactly the same. That would make life easier.

To me honesty is really important. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is the most important, honesty is about a 9.6. It's really important to me, but not so important that the whole world will die. The reason it is so high is that no relationship in life could ever work if people were dishonest. Whether it be friendships, family, relationships or work related things. Honesty makes things run smoother.

But I'm a hypocrite. I can be dishonest. I think what I'm doing is protecting people, whereas honesty is probably going to be the best thing every time. For me, the problem starts with myself. If I was more honest to myself and didn't run from things, then maybe I'd be more honest with other people.

I'm the most honest with two or three friends, then the rest of my friends. My friends are the most important thing in my life. I'm human (sadly not alien) and therefore socialising and talking to people makes me happy, mostly. Depends on my mood if I'm honest. I'd tell these two or three friends pretty much anything worth knowing. I'd like to think I'm honest with them.

After my friends, I'm most honest with probably my keyboard. I talk to it. It just sits there with its blue screen thing and keys and tells me to hurry up and play some music. My keyboard can't actually speek but I imagine it gets impatient. Probably why it likes to stop working from time to time. But I love it.

Then my honesty levels drop. I'm not very honest when it comes to my parents. Not at all. I don't tell them anything. Don't trust them. Wouldn't talk to them about anything. Ever. So when they try and get personal... Well they don't. Because I'm very good at changing the subject and I spend as little time as I have to with them.

But honesty is really important. It's like the colour of custard. That really bizarre colour that the powder is. I don't like custard, it's disgusting. But the colour of custard powder is kind of like honesty. It's just pretty. And sparkly.

Lies on the other hand are all black and fill the inside of you up with fine particles of black soot. It is like that magic smoke that magicians get. All thick and masks everything. But you only see it in yourself. I read somewhere the other day about people who can taste lies. That's pretty awesome. You could be a human lie detector.

But honesty is really important in life. Without it things will fall apart. And if you are honest with someone and they react badly, give them time. Well I don't know. Life is amazing, don't abuse it! Live it to its full!

Bad Days

Bad days. We all have them. They're nothing out of the ordinary. They just happen. I suppost we have some control over this. But not an awful lot. And today was a bad day. In reflection it wasn't that bad, but it wasn't amazing or great or anything like that. It may have just been mundane, but it was bad in comparison to some other days I have had. So, this is my bad day that is really bugging me!

Waking up to a text from 3 hours ago is not the most pleasant thing in the world to be honest. Especially if there are two. Oopps. But to explain why it annoyed me, read this post from a while ago: http://octaveofviolet.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/im-so-scared-and-i-hate-you.html  This post was not directed at anybody. Not a single person! It was my hate for this thing that is in my head controlling everything I feel towards food and eating. That is all! That bugged me okay. I didn't realise it untill I got to school and saw someone. And I'm sorry. So sorry.

The next thing that made my day seem poop was a counselling session I had. They think I'm bordering on anorexea and want to refer me to CAMHS. Yes, it is probably the right thing to do. But to tell the truth I'm scared. I don't want it to happen. And nobody seems to get that. Sorry again if that is rude. But I'm scared and pretty annoyed! Yes, I admit I need help, but no, my parents will never know. Sorry if that seems stubborn. So yeah. Five days into the school year and already my GCSEs are looking like they won't happen. Great. People don't really understand how much effort I have to put in to even get a C grade. I'm not naturally that clever. I just work so incredibly hard. And yet thy all seem to bot see that. They think "oh look you're in top sets you must be clever". Well news flash people: I struggle a lot in these sets but I put so much hard work in, it's okay and I keep up. I don't want to screw up everything because I'm too scared to eat. And by everything I mean friendships, my future, other people's future and my last year at school.

Next up on the list is right now this very second. I know I'll regret this post later. I don't care right now. I don't care if the overwhnlmingly sweet pinkish-blue shower of regret will rain down on me later on. I'm scared. I know I say it a lot. But I'm angry too. I just want someone to talk to about this. I don't really know what's going on in my head right now. Something probably. But it's such a jumbled mess I don't know. Yes, I'm ranting and I'm writing down everything that pops into the writing part of my head. But I don't really want to get depressed again and suicidal because then I will loose everything. So screw that. Nothing is going  to bring me down! Ever again. I love life too much. And yeah, the very vast majority of my mates are in relationships. That would be nice to be in a relationship. But who could ever put up with someone who is like an emotional yo-yo and has a huge fear of food? Come on, who would ever like that? Now I'm just being silly. I don't know where this is going. But I hope someone reads it. That would mean a lot. So if your still reading, sorry about this. But thank you. Again, I apologise for the ranting. It's a bit much. But I feel a lot better. Thanks for reading if you read it.

Rain!

It has been raining all day. And it has been making some pretty colours. It has been super duper distracting at some points. I zone out and then zone back in and I have no idea what has been going on.  It is that amazing.

 Image from newtopwallpapers.com

When the rain hit the ground, it made bright red and orange fly everywhere from where it landed. The red is the colour of a red whiteboard pen on paper. It has that fluffy texture in its shade. And the orange isn't the bright, glaring orange of anger. But it's like the shade of a 'crayola' felt pen. And when it hit the ground the colours just flew everywhere. And when the colours collided they made a colour which is similar to the colour of the skin on a nectarine/peach.

When the rain hit the leaves on some sort of leafy thing, a delicate blueish-indigo (that's a really bad description of the shade) , would zoom off the leaf. The blue is like a baby blue but an awful lot brighter and the indigo part is kind of navy but not navy and a deep purple, but not even purple.

On the way home from school, the rain would bounce of the cars, buses, vans and lorries in a tealish colour. It's like the shade on a colour chart for paint. The only way I can describe it is by comparing it to a turquoise, except it is a lot lot lighter than that, but it still has the intensity. It is a pretty awesome colour.

So, that's been my day. Nothing has held my attention properly if rain has been in sight. And I think that's fair. It is so pretty! Colours everywhere! The heavier the rain, the more explosive the colour. If that makes sense. I could say brighter, but that's the totally wrong word. But so is intense. The colour just explodes!

When there is heavy rain, and strong wind and thunder, the colours are far less explosive than in a light drizzle of rain or a downpour of rain. The wind causes the rain to collide and make silver sparks, almost like on a sparkler. You know when they first catch alight and just before they die and go to sparkler heaven? It sparks like that and in silver. The silver is bright and shiny!

The thunder is a deep velvety purple. Not the colour of velvet, but it's deep like velvet and is such a deep colour that it could be black if you made it any deeper, but it's grey because it would be black if it was any deeper. It is like a deep plumish-purple. But there is grey mixed in to it. The clap of thunder tastes like a really dark, bitter chocolate. More bitter than that however. But it's chocolatey at the same time. Like dark chocolate is.

The heavy rain makes the colour of the rain hitting objects way more explosive and there. If that makes sense?

But anyway, rain is amazing to look at. I could quite easily get lost in it! But rain is cold, and wet and annoying because you get wet and you get water in your shoes which results in cold feet and a grumpy person. But it is BEAUTIFUL nevertheless!

Days of the Week on Socks

So, you've all seen those socks with the days of the week on. All written in colour and with cute pictures or something on. Well to me, they are horrible. The colours are always wrong, and the pictures never reflect the day properly! It is perhaps one of the most frustratingly annoying things in the universe. 

But before I knew that not everyone saw what I saw, I thought: If people are going to manufacture things like that, then they should at least get it right? And then when I found out that not everybody did, it made me even more annoyed. And people just didn't understand just how upsetting it was. 

So these are my days of the week: 
Monday- a deep red-purple-pink colour. Sort of like that tree with the amazing leafs. Monday is a bold day and not scared to say what she thinks and is always willing to stand up for others. 
Tuesday- a really bright fresh green that tastes like spring onions. She is shy but loves the warmth and comfort of home. 
Wednesday- a really bright sunny sort of yellow but is muted down. He is out going and gets into a lot of trouble but it's not his fault as he is like an over excited puppy. Thursday- she is a really icey blue. Almost white. It should be a really pretty colour, but it tastes of bleach. Thursday is happy but can get very depressed and has a strong relationship with Monday- They are sort of best friends. 
Friday- He is a beautiful orange-red colour which looks kind of like rust. He is the guy that all the girls lust over and has a kind, soft heart but can have a harsh temper. Saturday- He is a deep, deep purple which is always warm and comforting. He is quite and loves to sit and watch people going unnoticed. 
Sunday- She is the deepest of navey blues, so deep it is almost black and she is caring but can be strict. She is a mother and tastes like honeycomb.

And that is why the days of the week in any other colour annoys me so much.