Suicide Note...

First I just want to say how sorry I am. I love you so dearly and I know it's selfish to do this to you. But that's what suicide is isn't it? Selfish? 

It's a cowards way out. And a coward I am clearly for running and running away from everything and never stopping to face it. A coward is scared. And I'm scared. That makes me a selfish coward. 

So, why am I taking my own life? I'm doing it because I love you and I don't want you to get hurt my me.I cut myself, I hurt myself. And it's clear that it's hurting you. You think I'm better, or getting better, but that's not true. Deep inside I'm so empty. The heavy fog of depression is covering everything and I can barely breath without feeling like I'm going to choke and die. I'm in so much pain inside but I'm also so empty. I love you. Remember that!

Every day I wake up and it takes so much effort to get up of the floor and carry out my day. I cry. I feel numb. I've made a fool out of my self. I can't take it any longer. I want to close my eyes and never have to see any of this again. 

I'm worthless and ugly. I'm an attention seeking bitch! I'm horrid and stupid! I just want to die. More than ever now. I really can't take much more of myself. And you'll read this and think 'why didn't you speak to me? I could have helped you!', but the truth is... I'm beyond help. I just want to die. This world hurts. 

It's not your fault. There is nothing you could have done. And when I close my eyes for the last time, I'll think of you. I'll use my last breath to pray for you. And I hope you live a wonderful life, I'm sorry I couldn't be there to watch it. It's not your fault. Remember that. You did everything you could have. 

I'm so sorry I had to do this to you. But there is no other choice. I can't ever see this getting better.  

Most people kill themself because of depression... guess what? I'm not normal and that's why! I may have depression, but it's to late now. I'm ready to die. I'm just sorry the rest of you aren't ready for me to die.

I love you. 

Xxx

And that was the suicide note I wrote in December 2012 Probably should have mentioned that at the beginning, but having just found it... to be honest I don't know what I was thinking. But as depressing as that was to read and type, it shows just how much my life has changed since then. Almost a year ago. Ahh. Life is amazing! And I'm so glad I'm still alive! Loving Life!