Hmmmm Bananas

Oh I could be oh so poetic about this. I could write it in a poetic way. And it would be boring then. Who wants life to be one big long interpretation? Nobody! That's for sure! Well, sating that... some people might like to interpret things.

So, food. Food is essential to life and in a way that really does suck. I don't like a lot of food and if I had the choice I would go without. I still struggle with food. I want to go back to this safety net of 900 calories, which I know is really bad for me. I still find it really hard to eat a lot of foods and I still find it hard to eat out in public places. I can't eat a sandwich in school. Sounds stupid, but I just can't do it.

It's been playing on my mind a lot recently. Will this ever go away? Will I ever have a normal relationship with food? I'm still scared to put dairy in my mouth, which makes breakfast hard. But I've just had to accept that it is something I'm going to live with till I get over it. I can't bring myself to eat rice. I can just about manage the smallest amount of potato. I can do a mouthful of something like cake or chocolate. But then I feel so incredibly guilty and I have to exercise.

The thoughts of guilt and shamefulness still plague my mind. The little voice in the back of my mind. Always there. But I've learnt not to listen to it. I am perfectly okay. And you shouldn't let food control your life.

Body image is still something I struggle with. But then again who doesn't? Blame society and media stereotypes for that one.

I'm really anxious about this weekend mind. It's a DofE hike thing. And there is a whole list of foods there that I'm scared to eat, I can't eat and I don't like. And then there is the fact that it is outside. And the fact that there is no way to control the bacteria and the pressure to eat because we would have been hiking. The pressure to eat enough to keep everyone else safe. The pressure to eat so that it stops mother and my lovely guy from worrying. The pressure to eat so that others feel safe around me. But what if I can't? What if I'm just not hungry? What if I don't eat enough? What if I can't put the rice or the chocolate or the cheese in my mouth? What if it's a bad day? If it's a bad day at home I just find something that I can eat and I take my time over it. But I can't do that in a field. A bad day at home takes me a while to eat but I get around to it and I eat when I'm comfortable to. I used to be so scared I'd cry and shake and hate myself. They've never seen that. What if I can't do it? What if they see that? How would they take it? I don't think they'd understand. They've never been put in that situation before. Not inside their own head. I don't know if it's going to be okay. To tell the truth, I'm scared.

But what will be, will be. Oh gosh. Never mind. Life trundles on. It's just 2 days.

Explosion!

I  want to share something with you. Just so one of you can see something and understand. So feel special little people, the cyber monkeys have not got this one!

I've spent two weeks trying to get this word perfect and the descriptions just right. I want to tell you what it looks and feels like but somehow, words always fail me. Sounding stupid now. And I remember that one when my dear Alexeo wrote the cutest post to Maya (seriously how did it not make you cry!?!?!?) that you would be mortified if someone did that to you. Well, I'm sorry but I want you to see just how magical it is!

It is an explosion of deep beautiful greens and silver. Then a wash of violet and then swirl of that blue-green turquoise so pure and deep. The silver of others happiness exploding in this new colour you've never seen...

Such a deep and beautiful colour. So green. It is a dark deep velvet green. So earthy and moss like but so vibrant and alive. It explodes like a paint tin falling of a shelf and the paint spilling out... just a freeze frame of that one moment. And then the silver balls shoot out and leave a trail of silver, like a comet...

...It then gets washed with a pale beautiful icy huge of violet. There is so much violet it is like a storm of the most beautiful octave in the world. It swirls around like the twisting shape of galaxies and for a few moments it darkens into a richer, more amethyst purple. It doesn't pulsate but just gradually changes purple, but the whole time it is still that violet, that same beautiful violet that is like swallowing and ice cube on a hot day. The same purple that just somehow refreshes you ...

... then happiness... The beautiful depths of my happiness and the silver. It swirls about. It is so beautiful. It's not like the happiness I described happiness as pure happiness. Its more like joy but pure joy and happiness mixed together in a blue-green haze. It looks like pencil shading, You can see the lines of the pencil... but its soft. Its intense. Brighter. It stares at you. It swirls around you. Like a fog, just engulfing you. It is amazing. So beautiful....

... A rich turquoise so shiny and almost reflective explodes across me but it is confined to one area (makes sense to me- don't judge). It is again' like that paint falling off the shelf and you have that image of it frozen just as it begins to expand... that beautiful messy shape. The turquoise is made of such a rich, royal blue. Not quite your typical navy, but more like the 'Cryola' version. And the green is a jade green and then there is a mix of yellow. It is such a rich turquoise... It is the only time I see it, I don't know what to quite call it... but it is so beautiful...

I hope you don't get the wrong idea about this post. Seriously, I don't know how it will come across to you bunch of strangers. But this has taken me hours to get right. Every word is chosen so carefully. You know I don't see the world how others do, and this is what I see when I'm with you!

Luv ya!! XX

Such A Good Day I'm Crying

So, it has been the most amazing day ever! I have the most amazingly fantastic friends in the whole wide world and most definitely in the entire of existance! They make me so happy and every day with them is so beautiful! I love everyone of them!

It has been such a good day with ma girls. And the two guys. But it was lovely to see my close group of girls again. Those girls are the most amazing, funny, clever, lovely and beautiful girls you will ever come across. They are all so talented whether it be academically or musically or creatively. They are the most talented six girls you will ever meet or know of! One of them drew these amazingly stunning pictures of Disney characters for me. They are so good. I love it with all my heart. And another is so clever that she is so going to get that scholarship she wants and she is going to Japan! She got selected from thousands of people to go! WOW! She is so lovely. They all are! I love everyone one of you more than life itself! Thank you!

And the two guys who are always there. I love the pair of them so much! They are like two fantastic people! They are two fantabulous people. And sometimes I think I don't deserve friends like them. Words can't explain how great they are. They are two of the most talented people I know. I'll kill you if you dare disagree with me! They are funny, clever, stupid, goofy and two of the most genuine people alive on this planet! Despite ones walrusness and the others ridiculous self doubt I love them as much as my girls. Six/eight months ago I barely knew them and now... now they are there and so kindly made me a part of their group. Ones even got one of my best girls. Be nice to her. I love these guys so much.

I have had the best few days. I don't want today to end. I got home today and cried with happiness. The green I feel inside is so beautiful. It feels like it is about to burst out and engulf the world in a beautiful blueish green turquoise. It's beautiful. But it's not even that colour. It's like someone has shattered and emerald into thousands of beautiful green shards and mixed it with this beautiful shade of turquoise that's not really turquoise. It is just b so beautiful. I don't know why I'm crying.

Seriously the memories I'm going to have from today are going to be so green. I want to patchwork them into some sort of mental blanket and have it forever! I have never been so happy. Ever. I don't think happiness has ever made me cry. Only a group of mad people do that to you. And they are the best people in the whole world. How can people turn their backs on guys and girls like those people? I just don't understand. They are the most amazing people to ever walk the earth! I love you all so much!!

Call Me Crazy, But...

Call me crazy, but the colours are dancing like a party! It is awesome! They are so much brighter and just seem to be dancing as if there is music in my head. Upbeat, get up and dance, party music. It is awesome!

It's like the yo-yo has gone up and is staying on a high. Woo! Party! Loving life! So many plans and thoughts just buzzing through my mind. I could plan out my future in the next five minutes where it would usually take a week or two normally on one of these awesome high moods.

I will go to college, take the IB or four/five A-levels. The IB options I would take would be Spanish, English and performance, Biology, Chemistry, Maths and Psychology. The A-levels I would take would be Biology, Chemistry, Religious Studies, Psychology and possibly English Literature or Maths. Then I'll go to university to study medicine.  I'll do my rotations and either specialise in Cardio-vascular surgery, Neurology, Psychiatry or Emergency medicine. I'd love to get a job as a cardiac surgeon. I'd like a guy who loves me. Who gets me for me. That would be nice. But it is not essential. I would love a successful career. To just be so involved in medicine, my passion, and save so many people and just to help them. Improve their quality of life.

If I ever have a family, we'd have a dark blue VW camper van. Just for holidays. We'd walk and cycle everywhere else. Have a healthy lifestyle. Meals would always have a set time and bet set out on the table so everyone can help themselves. We would have a family meal at least once a week. The children would all play an instrument and do a sport. It wouldn't be controlling, but they would be able to choose as long as they did that. We'd have two cats and they'd each get a guinea pig when they are five, to teach them responsibility. The house would have two music rooms. One with a grand piano in the centre on a raised platform. It would have pale walls and one glass wall that overlooks either the garden or the woods or fields or the sea or something beautiful. The other would have other instruments in. We'd go to Church on a Sunday, but the children would be allowed to make their own minds up about their faith. They'd be taught to cook. There will be a room dedicated entirely to books. I'd get married either in a picturesque Church or in the middle of a field with woods on one side under a arch made of recycled wood. The chairs would be mix-matched in style but all the same colour. It will be a sunny day and there would be a barn for shelter. The blue VW would be in the barn with a white bow on it. There would be no alcohol.

But at the moment, I am going to work so hard to achieve A*'s and A's in all my GCSE's. I'm going to volunteer with St. Johns Ambulance service and do my silver DofE then my gold. I am going to take up running again and do yoga, got to replace my Karate with something. I'm going to get back into reading. I'm going to study and not destroy my future. I'd love to learn a new skill. Something useful. I'm going to get work experience placements in hospitals, and a job. Everything is going to be planned out and perfect. Nothing is going to stop me. When I set a goal or target,  I am going to stick to it and achieve it. Nothing is going to stop me from being the best I can possibly be and achieving what I can achieve. Nothing! I will make the most out of the person I could possibly be!

I want to party, go to Glasgow or go on a shopping spree. Just something to celebrate this awesome revolution. I just want to let go and start again. Erase all the bad and fill it with good and happiness. Seriously, green is the best thing ever. It makes me think I can do anything, that;s because I can. So bring on the Latin and Physics. But I am so ready for this new beginning. Out with the bad. Bad foods, bad thoughts and bad emotions and in with the best things. Life is changing and for the better!

Misery And German Sandwiches

I've been feeling really rather miserable, pissed off, angry and sad the past few days. It has been so fun... annoying others, pissing them off, getting angry for no reason, crying most evenings and mornings... loved every minute... not! I don't know, but I kind of feel like depression is coming back and is going to bite me on the butt. Whoop de doo. But then again, it could have just been the past few days. I can't remember. Everything just seems a trifle glum.

I need a place to stay. Home is no fun. Home is supposed to be relaxed. But I'm telling you, relaxed doesn't fit for this house. Tension. Tension. Tension. And people don't believe it, or don't care, or don't see it as they don't live here. Well if you did, and you lived in my head, or even your own, you would see it. You would understand. I promise. And yeah, I know I'm lucky to have the family that I have. They're not the worst... But they're not the best either. I don't get on too well with any of them.

So yeah, glum. Bad days. I physically can't learn my German course work. It's just not going in. I want to cry. I'm pretty darn miserable. And yeah. The German. Before 11, I have to know a 600 word script pretty much back to front in German and English, three questions and a few escape questions. I also have to write a 30 word sheet and find a picture. Normally I am very good at learning these things before hand, but my head is messed up and I cannot absorb any of it. So I'm ditching sleep and hoping that I can remember a few complex sentences and a few tenses and questions before tomorrow. And when in the exam, I hope I don't cry or something. That would be humiliating.

So yeah. Stress. Miserable. Dread. Why can't we be void of emotion. For one thing it would get rid of a few colours that I really can't be asked with at the moment, and it would make the German so much easier.

Okay, so voices alter to match the language. And German is this strange kind of orange colour. Imagine you have a yellow highlighter. Draw a straight line with it, don't use a ruler and use the whole width of the pen. Now, take a pink one and try to follow the line of yellow as best as you can, but let it run from the edge if that happens. The colour of the middle of that line, the pink on yellow, makes a strange orange colour. That is as close as I can get to describing the colour of German. It's not particularly pleasant, but it is not horrifying either.

The teachers voice, well it's the colour of a rather dull red velvet cake. It has had all the life drained out of it. There is not that shock of red you get. It is a ribbon of red. But a washed out red. Okay, when I say ribbon, I mean it is an endless line of red that wavers up and down, but it doesn't do it in a spikey manner, nor does it do it in a curvy manor... it just looks sort of ribbony.

Now mix this dark, faded, washed out red velvet cake red with the strange orange. What do you get? An interesting brown. Woo! That colour is just really unpleasant. It is so erg and sticky looking. I just don't particularly like it when he speaks German. It's an endless waves line of a red-brown-orange.

But what can be done? Just got to live with it and get on with life. That's what we all have to do. If you don't get on with it, well you're doomed in life little ones. Doomed! Things are rarely going to turn out as you'd like them to. People aren't always going to get on with you and people aren't always going to love you. Just accept it and draw a line under it and move on. If you can't move on... good luck in life! You'll need it. 

Guilty Minds

Imagine this:

You do something that you know you shouldn't have done, I don't know, you push a small child in front of a car or something to save your own life. Or you have a huge argument with someone and you say some mean stuff. I don't know. But pick something that makes you feel guilty.

Next, intensify that feeling by a million and a voice into your head that tells you what to do. Push that small child in front of that car, start that fight and be really mean. That is the voice telling you to do that. Always there. Always talking to you. It is a battle in your head constantly between your conscience and that voice. Who wins? You don't know.

Now, that feeling of guilt. The bright acrylic yellow that you see on plastic. The shade is similar to some of the plastic we used to have in our DT classes. And then around the edges are these circles, the colour of a bruise you get on a banana all mushy and brown and frankly unappealing. You feel this build up of guilt in your throat. It builds up and up and up until it reaches your head. This pile up of hundreds of sharp edged squares. Erg. Guilt is a mean bean!

Then mix the build up of guilt with tension. The growing ball of tension that swells inside your head. The blinding, bright, glare of a white so sterile it would seem out of place in an operating theatre.

So the mix between the two, it's like a mouldy-yellow-cough medicine sort of thing. It is horrible and glares at you light a bright light when you turn a light on in the middle of the night. It builds up in your head. You just want to get rid of it.

Now then, every way of removing this tension is removed from your life because people care too much. Now that is torture on a plate. So yeah.

Tomorrow is a new day. Next week is a new week. Lets start it off with a clean page. No carrying over. Let's make a stand. Lets be happy. And not feel like this guilt is being forced upon you. Bring on the tears and the fights. But I'd much rather be happy then depressed. Who wouldn't?

So yeah. I've been feeling pretty low for a few weeks. And next week, I am so changing that. The past week has been awful. I'm doing this my way. Happy and less guilt and less of this desire to hurt myself to get rid of it.

So I here by promise you, that I will do what ever it takes to be happy and stay alive.

Withdrawal

So, everyone has a personal life. Unless you are some crazed freak who loves to share everything with the world because for some reason people find it interesting in your deluded little head. But the key to the phrase personal life is the word personal! One of us prefer to keep it private. It is our private life! Some people just like to keep stuff to them selves, whereas others love to tell everyone about it.

Now, as we have established, I am a hypocrite. A very big hypocrite. And this case is no exception. I will willingly tell people (too willingly), stuff that has gone on in my life and stuff. But the present is private. I can guarantee that there are very few people who know what is going on in life at the moment. And yeah, most family. But quite an unhealthy number of people know about the past. I just don't trust people. Why do people need to know stuff about you? They don't. Not really.

So yeah, most people know about the past. Mainly because of this lovely little blog that bores people to death. But I'm doing that thing again. Not letting anybody know about the present. Not strictly true. A few do know. But it's time to withdraw myself from society and social situations again. People are exasperated by stuff. And it's time to hide for ages. Put up a guard. Ya know. All that stuff.

I just don't really want to talk about a lot of stuff in life. How can you fully trust someone if you don't trust your self? I don't know. I trust people. Few people. But I don't really trust myself. Never have. Erg.

But then saying that, there is a lot of stuff that I would have liked to talk about. But let us be honest with each other, unless I want to talk about it with you, I will ignore you. Always have done and always will. Take it personally. Probably means I don't trust you, don't like you, think you're strange, just being rude to you, hate you, can't be bothered to talk to you about it, or I have not gotten your message just yet. Here is an idea: pick your favourite from the list and see if it fits or works.

I always do that. Always have hidden stuff. Always will. Let down too much. Mostly by me. But oh well. So yeah. Stuff. Reusing some words from an old post but with entirely new meanings: I thought I knew what would happen, I know where this now goes, I know what might happen, I knew that it could happen and I know that something will happen and I know the consequences, I thought I knew what could happen and what might happen and now faced with what did happen and where it could go, I thought I might accept it, but I haven't. I knew I was scared and know now that there is every right to.

Bad Night

So, I'm lying here, looking at my bedroom ceiling with billions of thoughts running around in my head. Some are great thoughts. Some are rubbish. But that's just how it is. Some things in life are great and others are rubbish.

I had a great day on Friday with two of my best mates. We had fun. And I've had an okayish day today I suppose. Stuff happened. But yeah, stuff happens in life and what are we going to do about it? Quite a lot of the time it feels like we can do nothing. A green-grey feeling of helplessness.

Helplessness is a very dark, musty, greyish olive green. It's got that merkyness to it that you would see in really stagnant, dirty water. The grey is like a smokey grey, the kind you see from bonfires. That heavy thin covering of grey. The feeling of helplessness swirls around like a tornado and destroys things that it comes into contact with.

Again, I'm going back to my time machine and this time I would do today and the very end of yesterday differently. I feel like I've put an enormous burden on some people's shoulders and at the same time dug my own grave and jumped straight on in to it. Woo! Go grave digging!

But at the same time I feel like I've taken three steps forward. There were three things which needed to be done, so this equates to three steps. It's lovely to feel like "hey, I've done something positive and its the first in a long time. Woo! Go me", but at the same time it's almost disappointing. It does feel like so much of the stuff that I adore is going to be snatched away. And guess what? I'm nit going down with out a fight!

It does feel like there is a score board in my head. Two teams battling for the trophy. The me part and the not me part. So far they're even. Maybe the not me is winning. Maybe the me is winning. Who knows? Only time will tell.

But, yeah, life goes on. Stuff happens. My parents told me this weekend that I have some amazing friends. And I do. I have THE most amazing friends in the entire universe. Because without them, well life would be a far more boring thing.

Can I sleep? Noooo. Too many thoughts. It feels like it's going to be a rough night. Ahhh well. The last rough night I had, I spent it cycling. That was fun. But I did regret the next day. Falling asleep in every lesson. Fun times.

"Knowledge is life with wings."

William Blake is my favourite poet. Poetry is not dead, it is very much a live. Lyrics to your favourite shitty rap song are poetry, although bad ones. Very bad ones. William Blake was a fantastic poet! Yeah, he was a bit mad, but all geniuses are! He was, and is, better than any modern day poet or song writer! He just chose not to write his poem to some stupid, machine made sound that you all seem to class as music. He didn't write only about love, drugs, sex, ex's or some other seemingly irrelevant thing. He wrote magic! And logic!

"What is now proven was once imagined..." 

Well it was, wasn't it. Once we dreamed of flying to the stars and new lands. Once we dreamed all of these seemingly impossible dreams, but now, well now they are a reality.

"Everything to be imagined is an image of truth..." 

Again, true! Even our wildest dreams and aspirations have truth in them. There is no escaping honesty. It chases after you. We imagine what we want to happen, and in there are elements of truth. Our future. Everything is like that. 

"How can a bird that is born for joy, sit in a cage and sing?"

How can something have it's soul purpose removed from it's life and still be expected to do it? Why cadge a bird when it is supposed to be free to enjoy life. How can you put it in a cadge and expect it to sin for you, when it has no freedom? You can't. So follow what your heart says and do not suppress the enjoyment that you, as an individual, were made for. 

You can be anything in life, do anything, achieve anything, as long as you do it and don not expect others to. There is no limit as to what you can do, as long as you put your mind to it and do it. You can never reach an end because only you are capable to push yourself towards all of these infinite possibilities. 

"To see a world in a Grain of Sand

And a Heaven in a wild flower,

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand

And Eternity in an hour..."

Only a fool would not see the beauty in this. There is a whole different life time going on inside the smallest of things. And true beauty can be shown in the purest, strongest things. The creations of God make a heaven on Earth if you look at the design and beauty of it all. You have the power to create infinite chances and create the best things in your life in the small window of life that you get a glimpse at. These possibilities are not a fabrication, but an actual thing and each one is as unique as the individual creating them. 

"In the Universe, there are things that are known, 

and things that are unknown and in between, 

there are doors."

So, in life you have things that are certain to exist, things that cannot possibly be, and things that nobody knows about. You have to find out about them by taking a risk and opening a door that will lead down a new path and will hold things that are uncertain. But that is the only way forwards as otherwise you are going to be so stuck in your ways, that you are going to lose everything. The known is boring, the impossible is out of bounds, so the unknown is the only way forwards. It may not be the safest path, but it is the one that is going to throw the most chances at you. 

Differance Between Happiness

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. And one thing that cropped up, was the difference between the silver happiness and the blue-green-turquoise happiness. And I have come to a conclusion...

So, the silver circles of happiness is for the happiness that you get from others. You know when someone has a happy vibe and it catches, it's like that. You feel happy because they are happy and you can't help but feel happy for them. You can't help but feel happy about everything. You catch it from others and you feel other people's happiness. So in a way, it doesn't start out as your happiness, but it becomes it through others.

The blue-green-turquoise happiness is your happiness. It is so pure and up their. It is hyper and awesome. It is what you feel because you are so in love with something. You feel it for no reason. You feel it because something amazing has happened. You feel it because you are you and you love it. It's like it has joy mixed in with it. It is such a pure emotion that belongs only to you. It is that happiness. The happiness where nothing is going to bring you down. The happiness where all you can think of is how awesome everything is. It is down to you only.

So, that is the difference between happiness. I don't know if that made sense. But it did to me.

Keeping Calm

What do you do when you panic? When you freak out? When you are so close to going back into bad habits? When you are scared and angry? Seriously, when you are as far away as possible from calm... What do you do? Me, I write it down several times and then try to make it seem logical. The amount of times I have written this post is just too many. It started off as an angry rant, then a low down of the day, then a confession of self hate and now it's about something.

So why am I panicking? Well this sounds very stupid, but I'm 59 calories over 900 calories. I feel so guilty and worthless. But I'm trying to find logic and reason in the fact that it is still less than 1000, which is less than a half. But no, it's not working. I want to get up really early tomorrow and run for hours. But no, I can't do that can I? I hate choosing not to run. I'd much rather have my friends, but I wish they'd understand why I need to run. Just once a week. It can't do any harm. Not really. 

I am also extremely angry. I don't think I haven't gotten annoyed at anyone this evening. I have gotten annoyed with anyone who spoke to me at some point. And do you know what it is like to see so many orange triangles shatter in front of your eyes? It's an explosion of bright orange glass. It shatters towards you. So yeah, anger does get very annoying. This constant shattering of bright orange. 

I got so angry at one point today that I wanted to cut myself just to get rid of it. Bad habit. But I didn't. I grabbed a guy with a green voice. A calm voice. And made him talk. It's funny that just by seeing his voice, it made you think calm. That dude is a legend. He spoke about a cafe or something in Spanish. Thank you. 

So yeah, I feel very guilty. This makes me angry. Usually, I'd run to get rid of anger. But I can't. So I'm kind of stuck in this cycle between anger and guilt and guilt and anger. On and on it loops in a circle. Just let me run! Would you rather I ran behind your back (I am so close to doing that), and over did it. Or, would you rather I ran with your knowledge, but you had a say in it? Let me run! It would make this whole thing so much easier to deal with! 

Happy, Miserable Hypocrite

My day started out as being fabulous. It was happy and up beat and pretty darn awesome. I had so much energy and felt quite literally on top of the world. I seriously thought that nothing was going to bring me down. Nothing would ruin the high that I was on. The beautiful colour of happiness was spreading through me and filling me with this untouchable happiness and love. Today I loved everything and everyone as much as my own life.  Seriously nothing phased me. Not even mucking up in German. That would have dampened my mood on any other day.

But one of my best mates was feeling miserable. Now I understand why seeing others down brings him down. It didn't bring me down. But it did hurt to see him having and off day. I did try to make him smile, but to be honest, I'm very bad at doing that. And telling him to cheer up and its not all doom and gloom was very hypocritical of me. When I said this he just raised his eyebrows and gave me that look. But seriously, dude you are one of my favourite people on this planet. Planet only because I know aliens. Smile! Luv ya dude!

So I was perfectly happy until about three o'clock. I started to panic about what I had to do before five. I was freaking about it. Being honest I delayed it until about half four. I did not want to do it. But I did. There was this little voice in my head telling me no, just lie about it. Say you did it. But then there was this part of me that wanted to do it. Right thing to do. So I did it. And now all I have to do it stick to my guns and follow through with it. I know that I will. But I don't think I will if I freak out and don't talk about it. So that made me miserable. The battle in my head. It is not over and I hope I keep on wining.

So yeah. That battle is still raging in my head. And it is a pretty darn miserable one. It's bringing me down. Darn head. But who said life was easy? Well who ever said it, you're wrong. So darn wrong. Giving false hope to people. You mean bean. But in the mean time, while I'm hunting for you, I'm going to try and bring myself back up and stop squandering in all my sorrow. That seems like a sensible thing to do.

Trust

Trust is the foundation for any sort of relationship in love. With out it, well you're going nowhere in life. You trust your friends to be there, to help, to be awesome. You trust your doctor to make the right call. You trust a heart surgeon to keep you alive. You have to trust other people, or life is just not going to work well for you. But then again you have to be trusted by other people in life or you are stuck. So damn stuck.

But when the trust you place in people is broken, man that is heart breaking. You feel a chill that touches the very core of you. So many emotions rush through you. You feel so many things but at the same time so dead. Next you are crashed into by a wave of an unbearable heat that just touches the surface of you. Then you're alone. Everything comes crashing down. All this dark red- the same colour as the word velvet. You're broken by the end of it. Heart break. And on top of that you feel like you are being torn in half by a tug of war game. Yellowish-pink stitches burst and you feel like someone is cutting you up with a saw. That's when your trust is broken. It is a horrible feeling.

Image from leadingwithtrust.com

Now saying all of that, trust itself is yellowy-blue. No it's not green. I would have written that otherwise. But it is a dark blue that is swirled in a clockwise direction with a yellow. It only mixes very slightly where it touches. It has the texture of acrylic paint after it has dried. It has different levels and is all up and down. Okay, it probably doesn't sound very nice, but believe me when I say it is.

So we've all had our trust broken right? It makes you feel like you could never trust someone again. And to be honest with you, it still feels like that sometimes. I trust people, but if they broke that trust... I don't know. Depends what it was. But people always used to break my trust in them. The mean beans. So forgive me if I'm selective with who I trust. The last person to break my trust, well I tried to push him down some stairs. The mean bean he was. Grrrr.

But being the hypocrite I am, I break peoples trust. Far too often to be fair. It is a bad habit of mine. A very bad habit. I wouldn't be surprised to wake up one day and find that people have left me and don't trust me. That's why I'm trying to change my ways. I can't live without human contact from people who take me for who I am. Sounds silly, but it hurts when people don't trust you. It makes you feel alone. Nobody wants to be alone in life. That's just plain miserable.

So trust is the foundation for everything in life. Trust, be trustworthy and don't trust the wrong people. Happy to say the people who I trust haven't broken that trust. This is such a hypocritical post. People just don't trust me. Ahhh well. Changing my ways. Now that sounds funny. TRUST!

I Don't Know

I just don't know what to do any more. Life may be the most beautiful and awesome thing in the entire of everything. But you can't help but feel lost. Really lost. People get fed up of one another. They seem to do things for their own gain. I don't know. Where has everything gone?

There are things we don't tell anyone in life. We all have secrets and we all lie. No matter ho honest we are with one another, we still hide things. We still fill ourselves with a black sooty fog. We all do it. Man, there are so many secrets that I sit on. I still hide things. Who doesn't? Nobody is completely honest with themselves are they? But sometimes there are things we just want to share. We just want to get rid of all our secrets. But we don't know how people would react to them.

In an ideal world, they would sit and listen and accept. In reality... well... every individual is different and they react in different ways. Really different ways. But that's the beauty of being an individual, you are you. You are who you are!

So is hiding things and keeping secrets tightly locked up the best thing to do? For me, it seems like the only thing I have ever done: hide and keep secrets. I guess it feels safe in a strange way. If people knew what I thought and felt and did all the time, I'm pretty sure they would kill me after ten seconds. But I suppose we all would.

It's funny how after hiding everything for so long eats you up inside. The past is the past, but it still haunts you. People will still look at you for you for your past. I hate that. I don't know. But breaking this is harder than it seems. I've written about the past. But still, I don''t really write about the present. I couldn't say how I felt right this moment in time without feeling like a wall is going to squash me. It's funny that. It makes you feel lost.

Secrets and lies. It is a never ending circle. Hiding things. I used to hide things pretty well. Always put on a happy, smiling face and people never look twice. I don't know if that still applies. I guess not now I have said it. But when you put on that face people think that everything is fine. Well sometimes it is not. Sometimes you're having a party in your head and other times it's so empty and lonely. And people would never notice. That's a secret of mine. But yeah, I guess I don't do that as much any more.

Secrets are bad people. Hiding things is bad. Yes I am perhaps the biggest hypocrite ever, but trying to change your ways has to count for something?

Todays Song

'Bird of Sorrow' by Glen Hansard is todays song. And no, it's not Disney. But it is just as beautiful.  The song really means something to me. It really fits today and how everything feels.

Glens voice is a sea of dark green and blue. The green is like the colour of leaves after they have been rained on. It's dark but not too dark. It has shade to it. It's not a block colour like other voices have. The blue is a stormy blue. It is fairly colbolt, but darker. The two shades kind of interlock in this odd way in this jelly beanish sort of motion. There are gaps. There is a touch of a dark violet in the gaps. The whole thing is then washed over with a light, fresh, Tuesdayish green.

The piano underlying the voice spirals and dances around in blue squares. Like a summer sky blue and gradually getting lighter until there is a washed out baby blue. These are the higher notes. Then there is the darker woolly green and the dark brown of beer and a really nice dark violet. But from that G to the second D above middle C it is violet that slowly mixes to the sky blue. That's my favourite octave and a bit.

Then there is the gentle orange hum of the violinish thing and the pink-red-purple beating of the drum kit and the light Tuesday green of the guitar. The whole thing is set on a black background. It's beautiful.

The reason it is today's song is because it's got sad lyrics and a slow tempo but then it builds up into this awesome crash of sound and colour that dances so beautifully. The simplicity and minor key of the piano reflects the feeling of sadness that today has had. The song itself is about Glens mother and how she put up with the drunken rage of his father and how Glen admires her for keeping up hope. And from the aftermath of a fight yesterday, it just fitted today.

The music that Glen writes is so inspirational to me. I love it. I mean where does he find all this emotion to write about? My favourite part is the way he fits "squandered" into it. It's awesome.

So that's today's song. I feel a bit sad but there are some awesome highs. So yeah.

Disappointment

Disappointment is a heavy colour. It's a really heavy, dark, dark purple. It's not really purple as such. It's a greasy, dusty, old-lady purple. It has that look about it like it's been worn so many times and neglected and left to the moths. It is covered in the grey dust of your brains attic, and has that hint of being covered in oil and dirt. It just looks disgusting and dirty and unloved.

Yeah, posted this really because I'm disappointed in myself in some ways for my lack of recent motivation and by the fact I have no attention span. Be nice to have those qualities back. I liked them. Give them back to me you annoying feeling! I want them back! They were fun!

I've Fallen In Love...

I've fallen in love with music! Music is so important. I love to write it, play it and listen to it. My keyboard is a part of my heart as is my iPod. I am so in love with music there is no way back. The colours of the voices in the songs, the colours of the instruments, the way it all looks, the way it feels, the way there is a song to fit every emotion down to the finest detail, ,the way music is so free, they lyrics. Just everything about music makes my heart sing. Ironic that. 

But I don't fall in love with bad music. It has to have meaning and the right balance of colours. The voice has to have something to it. The colour of it has to fit. The instruments have to work together so beautifully that you don't know they are all so different. The lyrics have to be meaningful and clever and have something in them. I love this Indie-Folk mix of music. 'The Frames', 'Turin Brakes', 'Fleet Foxes', 'Russian Red' ect. I love typical country, my personal favourite being 'Josh Turner'- there is just something about his voice- and I love the typical folk of 'Alela Diane'. Then there is the slightly more up beat stuff that I love. But music has to have meaning and passion and fit well together. 

The Frames. Image from mairoseboutique.com

I have a song of the day. It is a song that I listen to that day just because it fits. Today it was 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight' by 'Elton John'. It fitted today because it is happy if you really listen to the lyrics, but the tempo is sad. Today was a sad day, despite how happy I was. The song just seemed to fit it perfectly. 

My song of the day sometimes lasts for weeks. About two months ago it was 'Junkie Song' by 'The Be Good Tanyas'. It fitted because it was so sad and helpless. That doesn't need explaining. But the song didn't change because it fitted so well. Another time '5 Mile (These Are The Days)' was my song for about a month. I think it was because of the lyrics. But music is powerful and can reflect anything.

Disney music is so clever and beautiful. They lyrics have the most meaning. You cannot get better than the clever lyrics of 'Bare Necessities' from 'Jungle Book'. They lyrics are so clever. But the music is beautiful. The older songs are definitely my favourite. Disney is so beautiful. The music, characters, story lines... Disney is amazing. Disney is a pick-me-up and a comfort. As a child you watch Disney. You go to the charity shop and pick up the videos for 50 pence. Disney is something that everybody has in common. It is beautiful.  

Image from startedbyamouse.com

I want to get married to 'You'll Be In My Heart' from 'Tarzan'. I'd love to have a romantic dinner with 'The Little Mermaids' 'Kiss The Girl' playing in the background. On my birthday I'd love to be woken up to 'Under The Sea' playing in Spanish. If a guy ever asks me to marry him, it has to be 'Kiss The Girl' in Italian. When I am feeling down, I text my best mates and put on 'You've Got A Friend In Me'. When I want a good cry, I listen to 'Little April Showers' from 'Bambi'. When I want a laugh or something on goes 'Hakuna Matata' or 'Bibidi Bobidi Boo' or something. Disney fits every emotion and will always play an important part in my life. Love Disney! 

For me, the older movies are the best. Everyone has so much character in itself. The best modern Disney has to be 'Toy Story' or 'Monsters Inc.' Disney spins so many beautiful stories and makes so many childhoods. It is beautiful. Life is not complete without Disney. 

To be perfectly honest, I love music so much I am totally and utterly in love with it. It holds the key to my heart. Live music is my favourite way to listen to music apart from the crowds and drunk people. Seeing 'Noah And The Whale' live was awesome. It's a memory that I will hold forever, but I prefer to sit and watch music, whether it be a busker, a friend or something. Music is so magical. Falling in love with music is so easy and being connected to it is amazing. 

Good music is slowly dwindling as it is replaced by meaningless rap and songs that are written in a studio on a machine. Music should be something that we all love and take time over to create something magical. Who needs studio created sounds when you can get the more natural sounds from an instrument? I love music so much and I think that every song should be created with care and meaning. One of my favourite bands front men made his album on an old recording machine in his living room. He had to record each instrument individually. But before he did that, he had to mend the machine. That is true love for music. 

Music is so important and beautiful. It has been around for so long and will last for ever. It is a gist and beautiful. It is so easy to create music, but to create works of art with music is amazing. Music is amazing and you should love it with your heart! 

Sorry about the amount of links, but music is just too amazing not to link it to anything at all. So ya know. 

It's Magic!

There is so much magic in life. Not the fairy magic, but beautiful magic. Magic that really exists. A beautiful, heart warming, fantastic and life changing magic.

Hugs are magic! Nothing says it's going to be okay or it's fine or thank you or everything will be okay. Hugs are magic. They make you feel safe and happy. They comfort you and make you feel better inside as you know someone cares. Friends give hugs to say 'hey' or simply they give hugs for the sake of it. I love hugs. They are magic and say so much! Magic is real!

Another magical thing in life is happiness! When a smile spreads across your face and you can't help it. True smiles reach your heart! They make you feel so good. Happiness is amazing. It's a blue-green sort of turquoise. It's really green for turquoise, but it's nothing like the colour of starvation. It's less intense and more green. It's almost like the typical turquoise you see. It's warm and comforting. It's really catchy for a colour. When you see it, you don't forget. It's memorable and the colour is like, well it's like this...

It's like the turquoise on that. It's really pretty and happiness is really pretty! To be honest it's amazing. Happiness is awesome people!

You know, the world is so magical. There is definitely something magic about it. Everything is so complicated and beautiful. There is definitely something more to it than the facts and science we know. I love this mystery; it's magical. And you feel it. You feel it in your heart. Nothing is straight forward. Life is too beautiful for it to be coincidence. There has to be something more. Can't you feel it in your heart? You feel it all around you. The colours of the rain, the colour of people's voices, the way emotions appear, the way music is a dance of colours and numbers and letters like to swim and dance! It's beautiful. It can't be just science. There is so much more. Life is just too beautiful and magical to be a chance. I love it's beauty. You see it don't you? You feel it don't you? If you don't, let it into your heart, you'll feel the magic!

See, there is so much magic in life. Hugs, happiness and life itself. Sorry if it's all I talk about, but life is great. Vetter than great. Just open your eyes and heart... LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!

Feeling Low

Everyone feels low from time to time. I don't know why. If we did than maybe people would be able to stop it. Feeling low is perfectly natural, but there is always the possibility that it carries on. And that's how it first started. Couldn't escape it.

I don't know if I feel low because I'm tired or because I'm hungry and I have no energy. But when I'm low so many questions run through my head. I can't answer them and I can't stop the thoughts that swim around the questions. It is a constant stream of thoughts.

I hate feeling low. It feels empty and lifeless. I don't know. Sometimes all you need is a hug and someone to sit with and talk. Today my minds been on lies and secrets and the things that I used to love. I hate secrets and lies. But honesty hurts people. I feel empty today. Honesty is the most important thing, but sometimes it feels like it ruins everything. But being dishonest makes everything worse. But telling the truth is harder than people think.  Especially if you don't want to be honest to yourself. That's the hardest thing. Being honest to yourself. If you tell yourself a lie enough times it drowns the truth. Just like I tell myself it's the last time I'll count calories or it's the last time I'll eat less than 1000 calories. Everytime is a last time. But being honest and admitting that you need help is hard.

See, my thoughts have wondered. I started off with feeling low and ended on food. I hate thinking about food. But when you're feeling low, all you need is someone to talk to. It's nice for someone to listen. Erg. Emotions are a rollercoaster. Up. Down. Up. Down. Feeling low is just so rubbish. This time yesterday I was I was as happy as a happy thing. But waking up and feeling low is just so meh. Feeling low is cured by people and talking. Or magic. Magic is good.

This post really has no meaning. Sorry.

Regrets...

Really regret a fair few things in life. And if I could wind back the clocks I would. I'd love the opportunity to do things differently but still know what I did wrong and the consequences of that.

Regret is a sweet pinkish-blue. Artificial is probably a better word, but sweet is what is in my head. The pink is like the pink you get in those yoghurts that are all artificial strawberries or raspberries or something like that. That horrid pale pink. It's just so artificial even if it says natural on the packet. And the blue is that bright blue of food dye you get. It's the colour when it's in the bottle. The two colours are abstractly swirled together and they only blend very slightly at the edges. It catches you by surprise even though you know it's coming. It plunges over you like something horrid and it leaves your hair feeling all greasy and fowl.

The things I regret most in life are nothing to be proud of as otherwise I wouldn't regret it. Obviously. I think I regret myself mostly. Maybe if I was different things would be better for others. That would be nice. Fabulous even. But who knows. Made a bit of a pickle out of a few friendships that mean a lot to me. That's highly regrettable and again my fault. If I was different then maybe it wouldn't have happened. But then if I was different I may not have those friendships.

Meh, I am who I am. And yeah. Nothing I can do other than regret and try to resolve it I guess. Yeah. I guess. Sorry.