Call me crazy, but the colours are dancing like a party! It is awesome! They are so much brighter and just seem to be dancing as if there is music in my head. Upbeat, get up and dance, party music. It is awesome!
It's like the yo-yo has gone up and is staying on a high. Woo! Party! Loving life! So many plans and thoughts just buzzing through my mind. I could plan out my future in the next five minutes where it would usually take a week or two normally on one of these awesome high moods.
I will go to college, take the IB or four/five A-levels. The IB options I would take would be Spanish, English and performance, Biology, Chemistry, Maths and Psychology. The A-levels I would take would be Biology, Chemistry, Religious Studies, Psychology and possibly English Literature or Maths. Then I'll go to university to study medicine. I'll do my rotations and either specialise in Cardio-vascular surgery, Neurology, Psychiatry or Emergency medicine. I'd love to get a job as a cardiac surgeon. I'd like a guy who loves me. Who gets me for me. That would be nice. But it is not essential. I would love a successful career. To just be so involved in medicine, my passion, and save so many people and just to help them. Improve their quality of life.
If I ever have a family, we'd have a dark blue VW camper van. Just for holidays. We'd walk and cycle everywhere else. Have a healthy lifestyle. Meals would always have a set time and bet set out on the table so everyone can help themselves. We would have a family meal at least once a week. The children would all play an instrument and do a sport. It wouldn't be controlling, but they would be able to choose as long as they did that. We'd have two cats and they'd each get a guinea pig when they are five, to teach them responsibility. The house would have two music rooms. One with a grand piano in the centre on a raised platform. It would have pale walls and one glass wall that overlooks either the garden or the woods or fields or the sea or something beautiful. The other would have other instruments in. We'd go to Church on a Sunday, but the children would be allowed to make their own minds up about their faith. They'd be taught to cook. There will be a room dedicated entirely to books. I'd get married either in a picturesque Church or in the middle of a field with woods on one side under a arch made of recycled wood. The chairs would be mix-matched in style but all the same colour. It will be a sunny day and there would be a barn for shelter. The blue VW would be in the barn with a white bow on it. There would be no alcohol.
But at the moment, I am going to work so hard to achieve A*'s and A's in all my GCSE's. I'm going to volunteer with St. Johns Ambulance service and do my silver DofE then my gold. I am going to take up running again and do yoga, got to replace my Karate with something. I'm going to get back into reading. I'm going to study and not destroy my future. I'd love to learn a new skill. Something useful. I'm going to get work experience placements in hospitals, and a job. Everything is going to be planned out and perfect. Nothing is going to stop me. When I set a goal or target, I am going to stick to it and achieve it. Nothing is going to stop me from being the best I can possibly be and achieving what I can achieve. Nothing! I will make the most out of the person I could possibly be!
I want to party, go to Glasgow or go on a shopping spree. Just something to celebrate this awesome revolution. I just want to let go and start again. Erase all the bad and fill it with good and happiness. Seriously, green is the best thing ever. It makes me think I can do anything, that;s because I can. So bring on the Latin and Physics. But I am so ready for this new beginning. Out with the bad. Bad foods, bad thoughts and bad emotions and in with the best things. Life is changing and for the better!
Showing posts with label Exercise. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Exercise. Show all posts
Saturday, 19 October 2013
Friday, 27 September 2013
That Wasn't Me
Yeah, the post I wrote this morning wasn't really me. Well it was. But it wasn't me talking. Well it was. But it wasn't fully me. After reading it, it doesn't seem like it was me. I want to get better. That wasn't me. Not properly me.
Sometimes, quite a bit of the time, it doesn't feel like it's me in my head telling me what to think. It feels like my mind has a mind of its own. A little voice that says "No! Don't eat that! Do more exercise! You'll get fat!" I think that it was that part of me.
I mean, I do agree with me. I do agree with what it says but the more awesome part of me doesn't as let's face it, starvation and over exercising is not good. I really want to get better, but I also want to be able to run and exercise. It's so hard. It's not me, but at the same time it is me.
So yeah. That post was me. But this post is the logical me who knows it's wrong. That post wasn't much of that me. But I want to run still. It's like my heart has been ripped from my chest. It's not. But it would be so much easier if I could run. Even if it was once a week and for half an hour. Or just for a bit. Until someone says stop. That part was the me me. Not the other me. If that makes sense. But I think that it would be easier and more manageable in my head if I could run. Just saying.
Sometimes, quite a bit of the time, it doesn't feel like it's me in my head telling me what to think. It feels like my mind has a mind of its own. A little voice that says "No! Don't eat that! Do more exercise! You'll get fat!" I think that it was that part of me.
I mean, I do agree with me. I do agree with what it says but the more awesome part of me doesn't as let's face it, starvation and over exercising is not good. I really want to get better, but I also want to be able to run and exercise. It's so hard. It's not me, but at the same time it is me.
So yeah. That post was me. But this post is the logical me who knows it's wrong. That post wasn't much of that me. But I want to run still. It's like my heart has been ripped from my chest. It's not. But it would be so much easier if I could run. Even if it was once a week and for half an hour. Or just for a bit. Until someone says stop. That part was the me me. Not the other me. If that makes sense. But I think that it would be easier and more manageable in my head if I could run. Just saying.
Thursday, 26 September 2013
Outlook
Right. So I am writing this on this slightly over cast Friday morning as there is a lot to think about before I even go anywhere or do anything. There is a kind of semi state of panic going through my mind. No I lie, it's a bit more than that.
Okay. So today people are going to look at me like "whoa, what's up with you? Did you swallow a whale?" See in my head this morning I am horrible and whale like. I feel quite large and I look it. I have to exercise (what I'm doing right now) for as long as I can and as hard as I can. My poor bike is going to be tired. But I feel really panicked by what I've eaten in the past 12 hours. I mean bread is just off the lost for ever now. So is most dairy and all sweet food. It makes me feel so horrible.
Seriously, people are just going to look at me really funny today. I must have put on loads of weight. I look horrible. I feel disgusting and evil. I honestly don't think I can eat anything today. It just all looks so evil and mean. And so full of calories. Ahhh. I really need to burn them off before I set out the door. It's cool. I have half an hour yet.
This probably sounds really stupid to you all. But food just makes me panic. It will be a miracle if I eat between now and Saturday. No joke. I feel so disgusting. I want to rip out my insides and my heart and brain and get rid of them. I hate this so much. I have to get rid of it or others and myself will suffer. Just the smell of food. No. It's bad and wrong. I have to exercise. I can't eat. Just look at me? I look fricken disgusting! That's because I am.
I want to get rid of every calorie that has entered my system in the past two days. It scares me. People look at me funny. I have to do this. I can't eat anything. I physically can't. I have to work it off. An average person burns 1,500 calories just doing nothing all day. So if you eat less than that you'll lose weight. Take the 500 away as that is how much your brain uses. Then another 100 to give you a margin to go over just slightly. That leaves 900 calories a day. I want to half it to 450. Maybe 500. A person can live on that.
People just don't get it. They don't see what I see or feel what I feel. So the outlook for today: panic, annoy a few people with this by accident (face it, a fair few of the people I know are not going to like it), panic. Erg. I feel like such a disgusting human being. And I won't be allowed to run later either. And I really need to. I need to get rid of this feeling. All this guilt and yellow and self hate. I'll flip if I don't get to run. Just one more time. Please! I really need to do this.
Haha. I'm freaking out again. People will see my like a huge thing. Ahhh. It's really important that I do this. I'm scared. I need to do this. It's really important and saying no is not going to work. Just let me run please. And I promise I won't over do it. I just need to run. Please.
Okay. So today people are going to look at me like "whoa, what's up with you? Did you swallow a whale?" See in my head this morning I am horrible and whale like. I feel quite large and I look it. I have to exercise (what I'm doing right now) for as long as I can and as hard as I can. My poor bike is going to be tired. But I feel really panicked by what I've eaten in the past 12 hours. I mean bread is just off the lost for ever now. So is most dairy and all sweet food. It makes me feel so horrible.
Seriously, people are just going to look at me really funny today. I must have put on loads of weight. I look horrible. I feel disgusting and evil. I honestly don't think I can eat anything today. It just all looks so evil and mean. And so full of calories. Ahhh. I really need to burn them off before I set out the door. It's cool. I have half an hour yet.
This probably sounds really stupid to you all. But food just makes me panic. It will be a miracle if I eat between now and Saturday. No joke. I feel so disgusting. I want to rip out my insides and my heart and brain and get rid of them. I hate this so much. I have to get rid of it or others and myself will suffer. Just the smell of food. No. It's bad and wrong. I have to exercise. I can't eat. Just look at me? I look fricken disgusting! That's because I am.
I want to get rid of every calorie that has entered my system in the past two days. It scares me. People look at me funny. I have to do this. I can't eat anything. I physically can't. I have to work it off. An average person burns 1,500 calories just doing nothing all day. So if you eat less than that you'll lose weight. Take the 500 away as that is how much your brain uses. Then another 100 to give you a margin to go over just slightly. That leaves 900 calories a day. I want to half it to 450. Maybe 500. A person can live on that.
People just don't get it. They don't see what I see or feel what I feel. So the outlook for today: panic, annoy a few people with this by accident (face it, a fair few of the people I know are not going to like it), panic. Erg. I feel like such a disgusting human being. And I won't be allowed to run later either. And I really need to. I need to get rid of this feeling. All this guilt and yellow and self hate. I'll flip if I don't get to run. Just one more time. Please! I really need to do this.
Haha. I'm freaking out again. People will see my like a huge thing. Ahhh. It's really important that I do this. I'm scared. I need to do this. It's really important and saying no is not going to work. Just let me run please. And I promise I won't over do it. I just need to run. Please.
Saturday, 14 September 2013
How Exercise Changes Everything
Exercise plays a massive part in my life. It's something that if you take away from me, I will die inside. It means so much to me. It keeps me happy, cheers me up, keeps me fit and kills time in the endless hours of weekend I seem to have.
For me I have to do a minimum of two hours a day. That could be a long walk, a run, weights, cycling or fighting. I love it so much. It keeps you fit and healthy and is fun. I love running the most. It's like your running away from everything. Left is away and right is towards. When your feet hit the ground it's like you can do anything. Every step you take is amazing. You get faster and faster untill you can't go any faster and you carry on at that speed untill you can't go any further. Then you stop. You have a break. And then you run some more. And then you turn back and run home. That's the worst bit. Running home. It's like you're shoving all your hard work back in your face. It says 'look you've run away from everything and now you have to run back into the heart of it all!' Home is definitely the worst bit.
I also love my bike. It's amazing. You can just sit there and cycle. You don't go anywhere but you can read a book and escape reality. That's truely something that everybody should do for an hour or so everyday. Escaping reality and being absorbed into another world. I cycle a lot. I broke one of the bikes I had. That was a sad couple of weeks. Very sad indeed.
Weights are fun. I got obsessed with them one and got these huge, amazing, fabulous arm muscles. My gosh they were glorious. Admittedly, I felt like a man. But I could hit hard. I must have looked funny that summer, a thirteen year old girl running everywhere with some amazing arm muscles. Man, Derek Landy inspired me with his character 'Tanith Low'. She is everything I wanted to be. An amazing fighter. Could use a sword. Had amazing muscles. And she was MAGIC! But then I lost my muscles slowly as the way I thought about exercise and food changed. It was a sad day not long ago when I lost my amazing abs. I used to be so amazing. But muscle ways a lot more than fat and maybe this is a place where it started.
Now this will sound odd, but walking is so much fun. It doesn't feel like you are putting in any effort. You can just be outside with the whole world around you and walk until you ate so lost in your thoughts that you get lost. The fun I have when I go out. Quite often a walk turns into a run. Especially if it starts to rain. Man, running in the rain is so awesome! But walking in the rain under the trees is something special. It's relaxing and you can only hear the world how it was supposed to be...BEAUTIFUL! And you'd be surprised how good walking is for you. Quite often I come back feeling a lot happier. Even when I was depressed, walking seemed to make me feel loads better. As did running.
Fighting. Such an ugly word. But in Sport Karate it's about skill and being confident. You have to spot the target before your opponent spots one on you. And then you hit them. There is a lot of dedication involved. And you really have to want it to carry on with it. Admittedly, I lost my passion for it. But that doesn't mean I don't train. I still work at getting my techniques better, faster and stronger. But like I said, my passion for it has practically run dry. And as my mother said "it's a shame you want to stop, you're really talented". But truth is, I've lost my love for karate in every aspect. It used to be my world, and now it's a chore. And I can't tell people that because they expect so much from me and my karate. I have never really loved something and been so committed to anything else before. I don't know what changed. I used to love competing so much. I think a pivotal moment was being told that I was a heavyweight. That definitely made something inside my head snap. But I still loved it. I don't know when it started. But I slowly began to loath it. I dread the lessons now. It has lost all meaning and enjoyment. I mean, karate used to be my world and I'd bail on friends and miss out on time with them for it. It used to be everything important to me. But now, well now it's not. I've got an empty feeling towards it. It's like its taken everything and left me with nothing. All the time and effort and love towards it. It got up and walked away. Being the object of many jokes every week used to be worth ignoring. The personal remarks used to go over my head. All because I was so fixated on fighting and winning and being the best. And I had it in me. It's lost now. Probably flying just out of reach. It was my world and now every bit of enjoyment from it has gone. I don't know what happened. It feels like it was there one day and gone the next. I've been doing it since I was nine and I always had that passion for it. It's sad to see it nowhere in sight. I miss it. It kind of feels like that there is no reason to anything anymore. I still have the determination to do things, but given the choice to do nothing or to work for something... I'd think about it. And probably do nothing. And saying that has set of warning bells in my head. But karate was my world once, and it feels like without that passion. I don't know. It makes me sad. It was the thing I always put first. But karate changed so many things. It started so much and ended a lot too. I don't know what happened. But something about it changed the way I think.
I'm a really 'hyperactive' person. I know that. No such thing as too much energy. Apart from when I've been really depressed I've always had energy. Being 'hyper' is something I can't control. It just happens. The great thing about it is that I have all this energy that I can put into exercise. I could keep on going forever on a really good day, in theory. But the biggest draw back is that my mind has been wired into some sort of system that make all my thoughts race and for a new frequency to show in my mind. It literally buzzes! I can't keep my attention on anything for more than ten minutes. It is impossible. So when doing exercise I get really bored. That's where my genius comes in. If I have a plan of what I'm going to do, I don't get bored. I'm looking forward to the next thing so much I work really hard for the whole five/ten minutes. I generally spend less time on exercise when I'm like this, but I do it a million times better.
As much as I love exercise, it's so strongly linked to calories and food that I can't do it just purely fir enjoyment anymore. Which is a shame. The way I think has changed so much. It sounds sad, but I can't help but calculate the amount of calories burned when I do exercise. I can't help but take that away from what I've eaten. It's so deep in my brain that it's getting ridiculous. I hate the link. It takes all the fun out of exercise. The websites I use to estimate the calories. I want to kick the link so far out of my head that it goes to another universe and gets burnt up by a star. I know what I'm doing is wrong, but when I'm faced with it, that thought stops meaning anything. I don't know if people really understand. I'd like to think they do. And if they didn't, I'd hope they'd ask. The way I think about every day life has changed.
The way I view exercise has definitely changed. It's still really important to me. But I can't help but link it back to food. But still, if someone told me I am not allowed to do exercise, I just couldn't do it. Fitness and the feeling of freedom you get from exercise is just so important. Nothing can replace it.
I feel like this post needs something happy...
For me I have to do a minimum of two hours a day. That could be a long walk, a run, weights, cycling or fighting. I love it so much. It keeps you fit and healthy and is fun. I love running the most. It's like your running away from everything. Left is away and right is towards. When your feet hit the ground it's like you can do anything. Every step you take is amazing. You get faster and faster untill you can't go any faster and you carry on at that speed untill you can't go any further. Then you stop. You have a break. And then you run some more. And then you turn back and run home. That's the worst bit. Running home. It's like you're shoving all your hard work back in your face. It says 'look you've run away from everything and now you have to run back into the heart of it all!' Home is definitely the worst bit.
I also love my bike. It's amazing. You can just sit there and cycle. You don't go anywhere but you can read a book and escape reality. That's truely something that everybody should do for an hour or so everyday. Escaping reality and being absorbed into another world. I cycle a lot. I broke one of the bikes I had. That was a sad couple of weeks. Very sad indeed.
Weights are fun. I got obsessed with them one and got these huge, amazing, fabulous arm muscles. My gosh they were glorious. Admittedly, I felt like a man. But I could hit hard. I must have looked funny that summer, a thirteen year old girl running everywhere with some amazing arm muscles. Man, Derek Landy inspired me with his character 'Tanith Low'. She is everything I wanted to be. An amazing fighter. Could use a sword. Had amazing muscles. And she was MAGIC! But then I lost my muscles slowly as the way I thought about exercise and food changed. It was a sad day not long ago when I lost my amazing abs. I used to be so amazing. But muscle ways a lot more than fat and maybe this is a place where it started.
Now this will sound odd, but walking is so much fun. It doesn't feel like you are putting in any effort. You can just be outside with the whole world around you and walk until you ate so lost in your thoughts that you get lost. The fun I have when I go out. Quite often a walk turns into a run. Especially if it starts to rain. Man, running in the rain is so awesome! But walking in the rain under the trees is something special. It's relaxing and you can only hear the world how it was supposed to be...BEAUTIFUL! And you'd be surprised how good walking is for you. Quite often I come back feeling a lot happier. Even when I was depressed, walking seemed to make me feel loads better. As did running.
Fighting. Such an ugly word. But in Sport Karate it's about skill and being confident. You have to spot the target before your opponent spots one on you. And then you hit them. There is a lot of dedication involved. And you really have to want it to carry on with it. Admittedly, I lost my passion for it. But that doesn't mean I don't train. I still work at getting my techniques better, faster and stronger. But like I said, my passion for it has practically run dry. And as my mother said "it's a shame you want to stop, you're really talented". But truth is, I've lost my love for karate in every aspect. It used to be my world, and now it's a chore. And I can't tell people that because they expect so much from me and my karate. I have never really loved something and been so committed to anything else before. I don't know what changed. I used to love competing so much. I think a pivotal moment was being told that I was a heavyweight. That definitely made something inside my head snap. But I still loved it. I don't know when it started. But I slowly began to loath it. I dread the lessons now. It has lost all meaning and enjoyment. I mean, karate used to be my world and I'd bail on friends and miss out on time with them for it. It used to be everything important to me. But now, well now it's not. I've got an empty feeling towards it. It's like its taken everything and left me with nothing. All the time and effort and love towards it. It got up and walked away. Being the object of many jokes every week used to be worth ignoring. The personal remarks used to go over my head. All because I was so fixated on fighting and winning and being the best. And I had it in me. It's lost now. Probably flying just out of reach. It was my world and now every bit of enjoyment from it has gone. I don't know what happened. It feels like it was there one day and gone the next. I've been doing it since I was nine and I always had that passion for it. It's sad to see it nowhere in sight. I miss it. It kind of feels like that there is no reason to anything anymore. I still have the determination to do things, but given the choice to do nothing or to work for something... I'd think about it. And probably do nothing. And saying that has set of warning bells in my head. But karate was my world once, and it feels like without that passion. I don't know. It makes me sad. It was the thing I always put first. But karate changed so many things. It started so much and ended a lot too. I don't know what happened. But something about it changed the way I think.
I'm a really 'hyperactive' person. I know that. No such thing as too much energy. Apart from when I've been really depressed I've always had energy. Being 'hyper' is something I can't control. It just happens. The great thing about it is that I have all this energy that I can put into exercise. I could keep on going forever on a really good day, in theory. But the biggest draw back is that my mind has been wired into some sort of system that make all my thoughts race and for a new frequency to show in my mind. It literally buzzes! I can't keep my attention on anything for more than ten minutes. It is impossible. So when doing exercise I get really bored. That's where my genius comes in. If I have a plan of what I'm going to do, I don't get bored. I'm looking forward to the next thing so much I work really hard for the whole five/ten minutes. I generally spend less time on exercise when I'm like this, but I do it a million times better.
As much as I love exercise, it's so strongly linked to calories and food that I can't do it just purely fir enjoyment anymore. Which is a shame. The way I think has changed so much. It sounds sad, but I can't help but calculate the amount of calories burned when I do exercise. I can't help but take that away from what I've eaten. It's so deep in my brain that it's getting ridiculous. I hate the link. It takes all the fun out of exercise. The websites I use to estimate the calories. I want to kick the link so far out of my head that it goes to another universe and gets burnt up by a star. I know what I'm doing is wrong, but when I'm faced with it, that thought stops meaning anything. I don't know if people really understand. I'd like to think they do. And if they didn't, I'd hope they'd ask. The way I think about every day life has changed.
The way I view exercise has definitely changed. It's still really important to me. But I can't help but link it back to food. But still, if someone told me I am not allowed to do exercise, I just couldn't do it. Fitness and the feeling of freedom you get from exercise is just so important. Nothing can replace it.
I feel like this post needs something happy...
Image from www.fanpop.com
It's just so cute. Man, you have to love cats. They are cute and adorable. Don't you just love that picture. It's cute. And funny. Loving cats.
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