Call Me Crazy, But...

Call me crazy, but the colours are dancing like a party! It is awesome! They are so much brighter and just seem to be dancing as if there is music in my head. Upbeat, get up and dance, party music. It is awesome!

It's like the yo-yo has gone up and is staying on a high. Woo! Party! Loving life! So many plans and thoughts just buzzing through my mind. I could plan out my future in the next five minutes where it would usually take a week or two normally on one of these awesome high moods.

I will go to college, take the IB or four/five A-levels. The IB options I would take would be Spanish, English and performance, Biology, Chemistry, Maths and Psychology. The A-levels I would take would be Biology, Chemistry, Religious Studies, Psychology and possibly English Literature or Maths. Then I'll go to university to study medicine.  I'll do my rotations and either specialise in Cardio-vascular surgery, Neurology, Psychiatry or Emergency medicine. I'd love to get a job as a cardiac surgeon. I'd like a guy who loves me. Who gets me for me. That would be nice. But it is not essential. I would love a successful career. To just be so involved in medicine, my passion, and save so many people and just to help them. Improve their quality of life.

If I ever have a family, we'd have a dark blue VW camper van. Just for holidays. We'd walk and cycle everywhere else. Have a healthy lifestyle. Meals would always have a set time and bet set out on the table so everyone can help themselves. We would have a family meal at least once a week. The children would all play an instrument and do a sport. It wouldn't be controlling, but they would be able to choose as long as they did that. We'd have two cats and they'd each get a guinea pig when they are five, to teach them responsibility. The house would have two music rooms. One with a grand piano in the centre on a raised platform. It would have pale walls and one glass wall that overlooks either the garden or the woods or fields or the sea or something beautiful. The other would have other instruments in. We'd go to Church on a Sunday, but the children would be allowed to make their own minds up about their faith. They'd be taught to cook. There will be a room dedicated entirely to books. I'd get married either in a picturesque Church or in the middle of a field with woods on one side under a arch made of recycled wood. The chairs would be mix-matched in style but all the same colour. It will be a sunny day and there would be a barn for shelter. The blue VW would be in the barn with a white bow on it. There would be no alcohol.

But at the moment, I am going to work so hard to achieve A*'s and A's in all my GCSE's. I'm going to volunteer with St. Johns Ambulance service and do my silver DofE then my gold. I am going to take up running again and do yoga, got to replace my Karate with something. I'm going to get back into reading. I'm going to study and not destroy my future. I'd love to learn a new skill. Something useful. I'm going to get work experience placements in hospitals, and a job. Everything is going to be planned out and perfect. Nothing is going to stop me. When I set a goal or target,  I am going to stick to it and achieve it. Nothing is going to stop me from being the best I can possibly be and achieving what I can achieve. Nothing! I will make the most out of the person I could possibly be!

I want to party, go to Glasgow or go on a shopping spree. Just something to celebrate this awesome revolution. I just want to let go and start again. Erase all the bad and fill it with good and happiness. Seriously, green is the best thing ever. It makes me think I can do anything, that;s because I can. So bring on the Latin and Physics. But I am so ready for this new beginning. Out with the bad. Bad foods, bad thoughts and bad emotions and in with the best things. Life is changing and for the better!

Guilty Minds

Imagine this:

You do something that you know you shouldn't have done, I don't know, you push a small child in front of a car or something to save your own life. Or you have a huge argument with someone and you say some mean stuff. I don't know. But pick something that makes you feel guilty.

Next, intensify that feeling by a million and a voice into your head that tells you what to do. Push that small child in front of that car, start that fight and be really mean. That is the voice telling you to do that. Always there. Always talking to you. It is a battle in your head constantly between your conscience and that voice. Who wins? You don't know.

Now, that feeling of guilt. The bright acrylic yellow that you see on plastic. The shade is similar to some of the plastic we used to have in our DT classes. And then around the edges are these circles, the colour of a bruise you get on a banana all mushy and brown and frankly unappealing. You feel this build up of guilt in your throat. It builds up and up and up until it reaches your head. This pile up of hundreds of sharp edged squares. Erg. Guilt is a mean bean!

Then mix the build up of guilt with tension. The growing ball of tension that swells inside your head. The blinding, bright, glare of a white so sterile it would seem out of place in an operating theatre.

So the mix between the two, it's like a mouldy-yellow-cough medicine sort of thing. It is horrible and glares at you light a bright light when you turn a light on in the middle of the night. It builds up in your head. You just want to get rid of it.

Now then, every way of removing this tension is removed from your life because people care too much. Now that is torture on a plate. So yeah.

Tomorrow is a new day. Next week is a new week. Lets start it off with a clean page. No carrying over. Let's make a stand. Lets be happy. And not feel like this guilt is being forced upon you. Bring on the tears and the fights. But I'd much rather be happy then depressed. Who wouldn't?

So yeah. I've been feeling pretty low for a few weeks. And next week, I am so changing that. The past week has been awful. I'm doing this my way. Happy and less guilt and less of this desire to hurt myself to get rid of it.

So I here by promise you, that I will do what ever it takes to be happy and stay alive.

Withdrawal

So, everyone has a personal life. Unless you are some crazed freak who loves to share everything with the world because for some reason people find it interesting in your deluded little head. But the key to the phrase personal life is the word personal! One of us prefer to keep it private. It is our private life! Some people just like to keep stuff to them selves, whereas others love to tell everyone about it.

Now, as we have established, I am a hypocrite. A very big hypocrite. And this case is no exception. I will willingly tell people (too willingly), stuff that has gone on in my life and stuff. But the present is private. I can guarantee that there are very few people who know what is going on in life at the moment. And yeah, most family. But quite an unhealthy number of people know about the past. I just don't trust people. Why do people need to know stuff about you? They don't. Not really.

So yeah, most people know about the past. Mainly because of this lovely little blog that bores people to death. But I'm doing that thing again. Not letting anybody know about the present. Not strictly true. A few do know. But it's time to withdraw myself from society and social situations again. People are exasperated by stuff. And it's time to hide for ages. Put up a guard. Ya know. All that stuff.

I just don't really want to talk about a lot of stuff in life. How can you fully trust someone if you don't trust your self? I don't know. I trust people. Few people. But I don't really trust myself. Never have. Erg.

But then saying that, there is a lot of stuff that I would have liked to talk about. But let us be honest with each other, unless I want to talk about it with you, I will ignore you. Always have done and always will. Take it personally. Probably means I don't trust you, don't like you, think you're strange, just being rude to you, hate you, can't be bothered to talk to you about it, or I have not gotten your message just yet. Here is an idea: pick your favourite from the list and see if it fits or works.

I always do that. Always have hidden stuff. Always will. Let down too much. Mostly by me. But oh well. So yeah. Stuff. Reusing some words from an old post but with entirely new meanings: I thought I knew what would happen, I know where this now goes, I know what might happen, I knew that it could happen and I know that something will happen and I know the consequences, I thought I knew what could happen and what might happen and now faced with what did happen and where it could go, I thought I might accept it, but I haven't. I knew I was scared and know now that there is every right to.

A Helping Hand.

I've had a day to think over some stuff. And I've come to the conclusion that I would like some help. I'm not going to let the demon in my head win. But how I came to this conclusion that means the most, I think.

So, I've wanted help for a while because I'm so scared and unsure what to do. So why am I backing out of this? Truth is I don't know what to expect and we don't like the unexpected US humans. Although we are told 'expect the unexpected'. And maybe this time, I have to take a step forward and let the control that I love over things be taken away. That might help me.

Next it was something a friend said to me last night: 'GCSE year'. And I don't want to screw up my GCSEs. I can't screw them up if I want to be a doctor. They have to go well. Really well. And my friends can't afford to fail them or screw them up, so it's best for them. It's best for them that this gets sorted.

Another friend said to me today three words that perhaps were the most terrifying thing I heard all day: 'force feed you'. NO! NOT EVER! If I'm going to do this I still want some control. So I have to show signs of getting better to avoid this. It's not ever going to happen to me. I'd like to think I'm strong enough to avoid this.

Yesterday a mate made me eat carbs. It took longer than it should have. And afterwards I spent close to two hours in a panic. It was bad. I'm sorry he saw it. He did the right thing after all. And then he said a blunt, cutting scentance that was along the lines of: 'This is why you're going there' or something like that. But it hit home... hard.

Then perhaps the thing that made me realise this the most, was twentyish minutes today with three mates. Apparently writing down calories in a book is a sign of anorexea. And the fact that they think it, well... there has to be some truth in that right? One of them is always right when it comes to stuff like this. And yes, I should probably listen to him. And I will. So like the good mate he is, he took the note book away. Thank you. Yes I was angry and upset and annoyed; it was the right thing and meant that change is coming. But I'll get over the constant need to count calories. But then foolishly he gave the book to a guy who gave it straight back to me. He said he didn't want his parents to read it or find it. And after 3 hours of thinking about it... it went in the bin in the middle of town. I don't want it. Not if I'm going to get better.

So whether it is the start of anorexea or just a bad habit, I'm getting help. I don't care anymore if the change will be hard. But there is too much I don't want to lose. And I don't want this to become any worse. So thank you guys for being amazing friends. You've really gone above and beyond as friends. I love you all. And it's all going to be okay.

By the way, you with the green voice: you've outdone yourself. You wear your heart on your sleeves and are a too good a friend for someone like me after I've constantly let you down.  You are truly amazing, and I really couldn't have come to this decision if it wasn't that one word you said: 'anorexea'.