Late Night Thinking

So the beauty of sleep doth seem to evade me tonight. Mean, I know. But it's probably inevitable. I'm thinking. It's a dangerous thing for me to do. But when I start thinking I can't stop. I've been thinking about this same thing for a few days now... we could all do with a good chat now and again. A chat with one of ma girls would be awesome.

We had Famayzel day the other weekend. It was awesome. I loved spending time with ma girls. Well, two of em. It was awesome! We made pasta and made a den and there was a thunder and lightning storm and snoring and laughing. It was so much fun!

I need a good old chat. I love talking. It's fun. It is an important part of my life. Talking through things always seems to make them better or give a clearer understanding. That would be great. I doubt know if it's just me worrying or if it's reality. Sometimes it's hard to tell what's real and what's not. It's not like watching TV and sitting in a room with people Anglo are talking. A TV voice has the texture of a photo taken on a bad quality phone camera. All grainy and bubble like.

But it's hard to tell if a worry is just in your head or if it is real. Is this going to happen? Are you feeling this? Is it just me? Am I making up? Do you think this? Is what you say true? Am I being stupid?

On to lighter ramblings... big party tomorrow. It's not mine. I can't stand crowds of more than 10 people in an outdoors place. That's why at school intend to move around and away from the big crowds or groups. I don't like it. But this party is lots and lots of people. The majority I don't know or particularly like. Ahhh well, I'm gonna throw myself at the dance floor and just escape in the music.

It's gonna be the first time my mates have ever seen me properly engaged with the music. The rest of the world disappears and then it's just me. Yeah, I can't dance, but I can have a good time. Just like that wonderful day...

November 21st 2013 it was an awesome day. The guy I love and my fave music all coming together in a smush of violet. Isn't that awesome.

Ya know, I can't help but feel mean when it comes to him. Meh, that's something I'm gonna talk to him about. I love talking to him. He is one beautifully handsome being. Ahhh well. Life goes on people.

Life just Carey's on and leaves you running after it. And then ya catch up. And then it runs off without you again. The whore, but hey, life rocks really.

Starlight!

There is something about looking up at the night sky and seeing all the stars smiling (or frowning) back down at you! It is beautiful but at the same time makes you feel completely and utterly worthless! The way that they make the sky seem a deep, deep, rich velvety navy-royal blue! They just bring out the colour of the sky!

Then the night air tastes and smells so different to the normal air in the day! It tastes and smells crisper and fresher and cleaner! Then with the stars it tastes like a cascade of raining diamonds in a grey light! Flickers of light just falling down and shimmering and shining in every direction!

And if you sit in the middle of a field with a fire gently crackling in burgundy flecks and the grass damp beneath your blanket and a cup of tea by the fire and lie down and just look at the sky, you can hear the most beautiful music. Its so quite and the colours and shapes of all the little noises create an orchestra in your vision...

The burgundy flecks of the fire is the harp playing so softly. The gentile hum of all the insects are the violins and violas in an orange buzz. The occasional pass of a car goes by in a fizz of haribo and is the drum. The owl is the piano in a shower of blues and purples and greens. The rustle of the leaves is the collection of clarinets, oboes and bassoons in a wisp of  yellows and mellow greens and blues. The taste of the air creates the flutes. And the quiet sound of your breathing creates the royal red of the cello. Finally the stars create the deep, deep, rich, velvety navy-royal blue of the Bass...

BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds mad, but that's just me!

Call Me Crazy, But...

Call me crazy, but the colours are dancing like a party! It is awesome! They are so much brighter and just seem to be dancing as if there is music in my head. Upbeat, get up and dance, party music. It is awesome!

It's like the yo-yo has gone up and is staying on a high. Woo! Party! Loving life! So many plans and thoughts just buzzing through my mind. I could plan out my future in the next five minutes where it would usually take a week or two normally on one of these awesome high moods.

I will go to college, take the IB or four/five A-levels. The IB options I would take would be Spanish, English and performance, Biology, Chemistry, Maths and Psychology. The A-levels I would take would be Biology, Chemistry, Religious Studies, Psychology and possibly English Literature or Maths. Then I'll go to university to study medicine.  I'll do my rotations and either specialise in Cardio-vascular surgery, Neurology, Psychiatry or Emergency medicine. I'd love to get a job as a cardiac surgeon. I'd like a guy who loves me. Who gets me for me. That would be nice. But it is not essential. I would love a successful career. To just be so involved in medicine, my passion, and save so many people and just to help them. Improve their quality of life.

If I ever have a family, we'd have a dark blue VW camper van. Just for holidays. We'd walk and cycle everywhere else. Have a healthy lifestyle. Meals would always have a set time and bet set out on the table so everyone can help themselves. We would have a family meal at least once a week. The children would all play an instrument and do a sport. It wouldn't be controlling, but they would be able to choose as long as they did that. We'd have two cats and they'd each get a guinea pig when they are five, to teach them responsibility. The house would have two music rooms. One with a grand piano in the centre on a raised platform. It would have pale walls and one glass wall that overlooks either the garden or the woods or fields or the sea or something beautiful. The other would have other instruments in. We'd go to Church on a Sunday, but the children would be allowed to make their own minds up about their faith. They'd be taught to cook. There will be a room dedicated entirely to books. I'd get married either in a picturesque Church or in the middle of a field with woods on one side under a arch made of recycled wood. The chairs would be mix-matched in style but all the same colour. It will be a sunny day and there would be a barn for shelter. The blue VW would be in the barn with a white bow on it. There would be no alcohol.

But at the moment, I am going to work so hard to achieve A*'s and A's in all my GCSE's. I'm going to volunteer with St. Johns Ambulance service and do my silver DofE then my gold. I am going to take up running again and do yoga, got to replace my Karate with something. I'm going to get back into reading. I'm going to study and not destroy my future. I'd love to learn a new skill. Something useful. I'm going to get work experience placements in hospitals, and a job. Everything is going to be planned out and perfect. Nothing is going to stop me. When I set a goal or target,  I am going to stick to it and achieve it. Nothing is going to stop me from being the best I can possibly be and achieving what I can achieve. Nothing! I will make the most out of the person I could possibly be!

I want to party, go to Glasgow or go on a shopping spree. Just something to celebrate this awesome revolution. I just want to let go and start again. Erase all the bad and fill it with good and happiness. Seriously, green is the best thing ever. It makes me think I can do anything, that;s because I can. So bring on the Latin and Physics. But I am so ready for this new beginning. Out with the bad. Bad foods, bad thoughts and bad emotions and in with the best things. Life is changing and for the better!

Misery And German Sandwiches

I've been feeling really rather miserable, pissed off, angry and sad the past few days. It has been so fun... annoying others, pissing them off, getting angry for no reason, crying most evenings and mornings... loved every minute... not! I don't know, but I kind of feel like depression is coming back and is going to bite me on the butt. Whoop de doo. But then again, it could have just been the past few days. I can't remember. Everything just seems a trifle glum.

I need a place to stay. Home is no fun. Home is supposed to be relaxed. But I'm telling you, relaxed doesn't fit for this house. Tension. Tension. Tension. And people don't believe it, or don't care, or don't see it as they don't live here. Well if you did, and you lived in my head, or even your own, you would see it. You would understand. I promise. And yeah, I know I'm lucky to have the family that I have. They're not the worst... But they're not the best either. I don't get on too well with any of them.

So yeah, glum. Bad days. I physically can't learn my German course work. It's just not going in. I want to cry. I'm pretty darn miserable. And yeah. The German. Before 11, I have to know a 600 word script pretty much back to front in German and English, three questions and a few escape questions. I also have to write a 30 word sheet and find a picture. Normally I am very good at learning these things before hand, but my head is messed up and I cannot absorb any of it. So I'm ditching sleep and hoping that I can remember a few complex sentences and a few tenses and questions before tomorrow. And when in the exam, I hope I don't cry or something. That would be humiliating.

So yeah. Stress. Miserable. Dread. Why can't we be void of emotion. For one thing it would get rid of a few colours that I really can't be asked with at the moment, and it would make the German so much easier.

Okay, so voices alter to match the language. And German is this strange kind of orange colour. Imagine you have a yellow highlighter. Draw a straight line with it, don't use a ruler and use the whole width of the pen. Now, take a pink one and try to follow the line of yellow as best as you can, but let it run from the edge if that happens. The colour of the middle of that line, the pink on yellow, makes a strange orange colour. That is as close as I can get to describing the colour of German. It's not particularly pleasant, but it is not horrifying either.

The teachers voice, well it's the colour of a rather dull red velvet cake. It has had all the life drained out of it. There is not that shock of red you get. It is a ribbon of red. But a washed out red. Okay, when I say ribbon, I mean it is an endless line of red that wavers up and down, but it doesn't do it in a spikey manner, nor does it do it in a curvy manor... it just looks sort of ribbony.

Now mix this dark, faded, washed out red velvet cake red with the strange orange. What do you get? An interesting brown. Woo! That colour is just really unpleasant. It is so erg and sticky looking. I just don't particularly like it when he speaks German. It's an endless waves line of a red-brown-orange.

But what can be done? Just got to live with it and get on with life. That's what we all have to do. If you don't get on with it, well you're doomed in life little ones. Doomed! Things are rarely going to turn out as you'd like them to. People aren't always going to get on with you and people aren't always going to love you. Just accept it and draw a line under it and move on. If you can't move on... good luck in life! You'll need it. 

Guilty Minds

Imagine this:

You do something that you know you shouldn't have done, I don't know, you push a small child in front of a car or something to save your own life. Or you have a huge argument with someone and you say some mean stuff. I don't know. But pick something that makes you feel guilty.

Next, intensify that feeling by a million and a voice into your head that tells you what to do. Push that small child in front of that car, start that fight and be really mean. That is the voice telling you to do that. Always there. Always talking to you. It is a battle in your head constantly between your conscience and that voice. Who wins? You don't know.

Now, that feeling of guilt. The bright acrylic yellow that you see on plastic. The shade is similar to some of the plastic we used to have in our DT classes. And then around the edges are these circles, the colour of a bruise you get on a banana all mushy and brown and frankly unappealing. You feel this build up of guilt in your throat. It builds up and up and up until it reaches your head. This pile up of hundreds of sharp edged squares. Erg. Guilt is a mean bean!

Then mix the build up of guilt with tension. The growing ball of tension that swells inside your head. The blinding, bright, glare of a white so sterile it would seem out of place in an operating theatre.

So the mix between the two, it's like a mouldy-yellow-cough medicine sort of thing. It is horrible and glares at you light a bright light when you turn a light on in the middle of the night. It builds up in your head. You just want to get rid of it.

Now then, every way of removing this tension is removed from your life because people care too much. Now that is torture on a plate. So yeah.

Tomorrow is a new day. Next week is a new week. Lets start it off with a clean page. No carrying over. Let's make a stand. Lets be happy. And not feel like this guilt is being forced upon you. Bring on the tears and the fights. But I'd much rather be happy then depressed. Who wouldn't?

So yeah. I've been feeling pretty low for a few weeks. And next week, I am so changing that. The past week has been awful. I'm doing this my way. Happy and less guilt and less of this desire to hurt myself to get rid of it.

So I here by promise you, that I will do what ever it takes to be happy and stay alive.

Forgive and Forget?

Hercules is such an awesome movie! And best of all- it's Disney! It is such an amusing take on the Greek myth and of course, the Disneyfication of it not only makes it awesome, but it makes it so much easier to understand for all of us simple minded souls.

Disney is magical- just like the T.V says. It always manages to cheer me up, even from the worst moods. Even the girls with the disproportionate eyes and hands and waists and legs and arms. The Disney songs are so random and strange but I love them. And there are always lessons to be learnt from Disney!

Hercules teaches us not to try and be things we are not and that all the bravado we put on is nothing compared to who we are. It also tells us not to trust people with fire for hair. Hercules feels like he doesn't belong (who doesn't feel like that sometimes), bu t after a bit of time being a hero, he discovers that he belongs right here, on Earth, in the place where he lives. Disney tells us "to quit your moaning and stop being so pathetic and get on with life!" Disney also shows us that we all fit in, in our own special way.

Also, there is this part where 'Meg' betrays him, and then he forgives her!? After she ultimately gained his trust then broke his heart and Hades took away his strength in order to try and overthrow Zeus. And he forgave he! Is some little idiot did that to me... I'd snap their neck. I would so want to keep my super power and save the world. I suppose the phrase "forgive and forget" springs into mind here. I don't forgive easily. I'm very excellent at holding a grudge against someone. Am I holding a grudge at the moment? Ummmm... I think I am. But I can't remember why. Well, I have the forget side of that phrase.

But my Sunday afternoon was heaven... A Disney movie to lift my spirits and yeah. Disney can make you feel so special and awesome and they are the best 'feel-good-movies' ever! Who needs a rom-com and ice cream when you're feeling blerg? Why not watch Disney in front of the fire? Yep- we have a fire! It's cold, don't judge!

Withdrawal

So, everyone has a personal life. Unless you are some crazed freak who loves to share everything with the world because for some reason people find it interesting in your deluded little head. But the key to the phrase personal life is the word personal! One of us prefer to keep it private. It is our private life! Some people just like to keep stuff to them selves, whereas others love to tell everyone about it.

Now, as we have established, I am a hypocrite. A very big hypocrite. And this case is no exception. I will willingly tell people (too willingly), stuff that has gone on in my life and stuff. But the present is private. I can guarantee that there are very few people who know what is going on in life at the moment. And yeah, most family. But quite an unhealthy number of people know about the past. I just don't trust people. Why do people need to know stuff about you? They don't. Not really.

So yeah, most people know about the past. Mainly because of this lovely little blog that bores people to death. But I'm doing that thing again. Not letting anybody know about the present. Not strictly true. A few do know. But it's time to withdraw myself from society and social situations again. People are exasperated by stuff. And it's time to hide for ages. Put up a guard. Ya know. All that stuff.

I just don't really want to talk about a lot of stuff in life. How can you fully trust someone if you don't trust your self? I don't know. I trust people. Few people. But I don't really trust myself. Never have. Erg.

But then saying that, there is a lot of stuff that I would have liked to talk about. But let us be honest with each other, unless I want to talk about it with you, I will ignore you. Always have done and always will. Take it personally. Probably means I don't trust you, don't like you, think you're strange, just being rude to you, hate you, can't be bothered to talk to you about it, or I have not gotten your message just yet. Here is an idea: pick your favourite from the list and see if it fits or works.

I always do that. Always have hidden stuff. Always will. Let down too much. Mostly by me. But oh well. So yeah. Stuff. Reusing some words from an old post but with entirely new meanings: I thought I knew what would happen, I know where this now goes, I know what might happen, I knew that it could happen and I know that something will happen and I know the consequences, I thought I knew what could happen and what might happen and now faced with what did happen and where it could go, I thought I might accept it, but I haven't. I knew I was scared and know now that there is every right to.

Fallen In Love So Much There Is No Coming Back

Seriously, I have fallen so deeply in love with life that there is no coming back. I love living so much. Yeah, it may have it's horrifying downs and stuff, but it is just too good to waste. In another life, I may have been a hippy and died from drug abuse or something, but I am not making the same mistake again. I am going to live life to its full. No point in chasing unachievable dreams, or chasing guys or trying to be something you're not to fit it. Life is so perfect the way it is and the way it is supposed to be!

If you look at the world around you, it is just so beautiful. There is no way on Earth that all the scientific events could have lined up and been so perfect and created the right conditions just be accident. There has to be a God of some kind. Science is real, but for everything to be so precise and perfect, there has to be something more. Just look at the leaves on the trees for instance. The smallest and most simple looking thing. But yet they are so complex and designed so perfectly that there has to be some sort of designer. It is mad for there not to be.

Life is so colourful. The colours that we see round us as beautiful. If I went blind, I would so miss the colours of the natural world. Who wouldn't? Who wouldn't miss the green of the leaves, or the blue of the sky or the beautiful selection of colours which you see just walking down a busy street. Man, I'd even miss the colours of the pavement, all stained with chewing gum and stuff. If I went blind, would I still see the colours of peoples voices? Hmm. Maybe. But I'm not willing to try that out. I like being able to see.

What else is so brilliant about life? Well, the majority of people in life. The wonderful, unique, awesome people that make every day worth while. Your friends, family, people you see but don't really know, even the person you hate the most. If it was just you, alone, in the world, you would get so lonely. People are fantastic little critters. Although I don't like most people, the world would be pointless without people. I'd get bored, and who would there be to talk to? Talking is one of the best things ever! I love it so much, I don't stop.

So yeah. I have fallen in love with life. Still yet to fall in love with another human, but life is pretty awesome. Just breathing is awesome. Is it me, or does the air in the early morning taste and feel different to the air in the middle of the day and the early evening and in the dead of night? It feels and tastes so different. I love the night air. It feels so fresh and awesome. Just breathing is awesome.

Life is fantastic people. If you don't like it... don't speak until you do. It took a while for me to appreciate life and I couldn't have done it  with out my friends. I'm not going to say how amazing they are because I say it an awful lot and it goes with out saying.

Side Order Of Awkwardness

Today I am going to tell you how to make the perfect side dish to any situation- awkwardness. 

Ingredients: 

• 1 dysfunctional family. Must include a drunk, stressed woman and two teenagers with contrasting personalities. 
• 1 carb and fat full meal
• Plenty of water
• Plenty of alcohol
• A bottle of denial
• 2 table spoons of ignorance
• A gallon of pressure

Method:

1. Create a day full of refined sugar, fat and carbohydrates as the only thing on offer.
2. Give the father a good lashing of alcohol and keep on doing so every ten minutes. 
3. Then mix in most of the denial, be sure to save some for later.
4. Next add in 1 table spoon of ignorance and mix well. Leave to stew on the stove for about three hours.
5. When close to the boil add in the water and leave for another half an hour.
6. Next add in the rest of the family and the meal.
7. Pile on the pressure, add more alcohol and turn the heat right up. 
8. Add in the rest of the denial and ignorance. 
9. Give it a quick mix and watch the awkwardness unfold.

Safety:

• Have communication methods on stand by.
• Keep all guns out of sight
• Be prepared for lots of hate being thrown your way (safety goggles advisable)

Bad Night

So, I'm lying here, looking at my bedroom ceiling with billions of thoughts running around in my head. Some are great thoughts. Some are rubbish. But that's just how it is. Some things in life are great and others are rubbish.

I had a great day on Friday with two of my best mates. We had fun. And I've had an okayish day today I suppose. Stuff happened. But yeah, stuff happens in life and what are we going to do about it? Quite a lot of the time it feels like we can do nothing. A green-grey feeling of helplessness.

Helplessness is a very dark, musty, greyish olive green. It's got that merkyness to it that you would see in really stagnant, dirty water. The grey is like a smokey grey, the kind you see from bonfires. That heavy thin covering of grey. The feeling of helplessness swirls around like a tornado and destroys things that it comes into contact with.

Again, I'm going back to my time machine and this time I would do today and the very end of yesterday differently. I feel like I've put an enormous burden on some people's shoulders and at the same time dug my own grave and jumped straight on in to it. Woo! Go grave digging!

But at the same time I feel like I've taken three steps forward. There were three things which needed to be done, so this equates to three steps. It's lovely to feel like "hey, I've done something positive and its the first in a long time. Woo! Go me", but at the same time it's almost disappointing. It does feel like so much of the stuff that I adore is going to be snatched away. And guess what? I'm nit going down with out a fight!

It does feel like there is a score board in my head. Two teams battling for the trophy. The me part and the not me part. So far they're even. Maybe the not me is winning. Maybe the me is winning. Who knows? Only time will tell.

But, yeah, life goes on. Stuff happens. My parents told me this weekend that I have some amazing friends. And I do. I have THE most amazing friends in the entire universe. Because without them, well life would be a far more boring thing.

Can I sleep? Noooo. Too many thoughts. It feels like it's going to be a rough night. Ahhh well. The last rough night I had, I spent it cycling. That was fun. But I did regret the next day. Falling asleep in every lesson. Fun times.

"Knowledge is life with wings."

William Blake is my favourite poet. Poetry is not dead, it is very much a live. Lyrics to your favourite shitty rap song are poetry, although bad ones. Very bad ones. William Blake was a fantastic poet! Yeah, he was a bit mad, but all geniuses are! He was, and is, better than any modern day poet or song writer! He just chose not to write his poem to some stupid, machine made sound that you all seem to class as music. He didn't write only about love, drugs, sex, ex's or some other seemingly irrelevant thing. He wrote magic! And logic!

"What is now proven was once imagined..." 

Well it was, wasn't it. Once we dreamed of flying to the stars and new lands. Once we dreamed all of these seemingly impossible dreams, but now, well now they are a reality.

"Everything to be imagined is an image of truth..." 

Again, true! Even our wildest dreams and aspirations have truth in them. There is no escaping honesty. It chases after you. We imagine what we want to happen, and in there are elements of truth. Our future. Everything is like that. 

"How can a bird that is born for joy, sit in a cage and sing?"

How can something have it's soul purpose removed from it's life and still be expected to do it? Why cadge a bird when it is supposed to be free to enjoy life. How can you put it in a cadge and expect it to sin for you, when it has no freedom? You can't. So follow what your heart says and do not suppress the enjoyment that you, as an individual, were made for. 

You can be anything in life, do anything, achieve anything, as long as you do it and don not expect others to. There is no limit as to what you can do, as long as you put your mind to it and do it. You can never reach an end because only you are capable to push yourself towards all of these infinite possibilities. 

"To see a world in a Grain of Sand

And a Heaven in a wild flower,

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand

And Eternity in an hour..."

Only a fool would not see the beauty in this. There is a whole different life time going on inside the smallest of things. And true beauty can be shown in the purest, strongest things. The creations of God make a heaven on Earth if you look at the design and beauty of it all. You have the power to create infinite chances and create the best things in your life in the small window of life that you get a glimpse at. These possibilities are not a fabrication, but an actual thing and each one is as unique as the individual creating them. 

"In the Universe, there are things that are known, 

and things that are unknown and in between, 

there are doors."

So, in life you have things that are certain to exist, things that cannot possibly be, and things that nobody knows about. You have to find out about them by taking a risk and opening a door that will lead down a new path and will hold things that are uncertain. But that is the only way forwards as otherwise you are going to be so stuck in your ways, that you are going to lose everything. The known is boring, the impossible is out of bounds, so the unknown is the only way forwards. It may not be the safest path, but it is the one that is going to throw the most chances at you. 

Happy, Miserable Hypocrite

My day started out as being fabulous. It was happy and up beat and pretty darn awesome. I had so much energy and felt quite literally on top of the world. I seriously thought that nothing was going to bring me down. Nothing would ruin the high that I was on. The beautiful colour of happiness was spreading through me and filling me with this untouchable happiness and love. Today I loved everything and everyone as much as my own life.  Seriously nothing phased me. Not even mucking up in German. That would have dampened my mood on any other day.

But one of my best mates was feeling miserable. Now I understand why seeing others down brings him down. It didn't bring me down. But it did hurt to see him having and off day. I did try to make him smile, but to be honest, I'm very bad at doing that. And telling him to cheer up and its not all doom and gloom was very hypocritical of me. When I said this he just raised his eyebrows and gave me that look. But seriously, dude you are one of my favourite people on this planet. Planet only because I know aliens. Smile! Luv ya dude!

So I was perfectly happy until about three o'clock. I started to panic about what I had to do before five. I was freaking about it. Being honest I delayed it until about half four. I did not want to do it. But I did. There was this little voice in my head telling me no, just lie about it. Say you did it. But then there was this part of me that wanted to do it. Right thing to do. So I did it. And now all I have to do it stick to my guns and follow through with it. I know that I will. But I don't think I will if I freak out and don't talk about it. So that made me miserable. The battle in my head. It is not over and I hope I keep on wining.

So yeah. That battle is still raging in my head. And it is a pretty darn miserable one. It's bringing me down. Darn head. But who said life was easy? Well who ever said it, you're wrong. So darn wrong. Giving false hope to people. You mean bean. But in the mean time, while I'm hunting for you, I'm going to try and bring myself back up and stop squandering in all my sorrow. That seems like a sensible thing to do.

Thinking...

So everyone has a different state of mind. Everyone thinks in different ways and everyone has a totally different way of looking at things. Some people understand things better than others and others understand totally different things. If everyone had the same state of mind, it would be boring. Very boring.

Understanding what goes on inside other peoples minds is not the easiest thing to do. To see the world or something from their point of view is one thing, but to understand the way they think and perhaps why is another thing entirely. Now, I may just be stupid, but I don't think a lot of people take the time to try and understand why people think the way they do. I mean, for example, how many of you have taken time to think about why someone does some of the things they do? I know it is not how the vast majority of people choose to spend their day, but I think that it is important that people do understand why people behave in certain ways.

If people could have this little machine that allowed them to live in another persons head for a day, I think there would be less arguments and people would understand things far better. If people lived in my head for a day, they'd go mad. All the colours that they would see and all the shapes. But then again, they would be able to understand things fully. Like why it is essential that I can run at least once a week. Seriously, if people would just let me run I would be far happier and possibly less hyper. Just once a week. It would make everything so much easier. See, in my head, unless I do exercise I'm going to get fat. And I know people see that as ridiculous, but I can't help thinking like that. It is just torched onto my brain that unless I exercise, I will get fat. It is this fear of food and being unable to exercise that drives me mad. But what do I value more: being able to control exercise and food, or having amazing mates who are just so darn awesome? Hmmm... Mates, most definitely. But the other is very very important.

But that is besides the point. If people took the time to ask "why?" and take a moment to try and see it through another persons eyes, then life would be far simpler. I mean, I get why my mates do things and get pissed of ect. I see why they see things in a certain way. I hope I've got it right. Otherwise I'm going to feel like a right numpty.

So yeah. This post was really just to fill up some of my time. And it was ponderous. I haven't written down most of the pondering because it is a load of waffle. But still, thinking and understanding why others may do something is an important people skill. People's minds are very complex and interesting things. Now it sounds funny. Meh.

I Don't Know

I just don't know what to do any more. Life may be the most beautiful and awesome thing in the entire of everything. But you can't help but feel lost. Really lost. People get fed up of one another. They seem to do things for their own gain. I don't know. Where has everything gone?

There are things we don't tell anyone in life. We all have secrets and we all lie. No matter ho honest we are with one another, we still hide things. We still fill ourselves with a black sooty fog. We all do it. Man, there are so many secrets that I sit on. I still hide things. Who doesn't? Nobody is completely honest with themselves are they? But sometimes there are things we just want to share. We just want to get rid of all our secrets. But we don't know how people would react to them.

In an ideal world, they would sit and listen and accept. In reality... well... every individual is different and they react in different ways. Really different ways. But that's the beauty of being an individual, you are you. You are who you are!

So is hiding things and keeping secrets tightly locked up the best thing to do? For me, it seems like the only thing I have ever done: hide and keep secrets. I guess it feels safe in a strange way. If people knew what I thought and felt and did all the time, I'm pretty sure they would kill me after ten seconds. But I suppose we all would.

It's funny how after hiding everything for so long eats you up inside. The past is the past, but it still haunts you. People will still look at you for you for your past. I hate that. I don't know. But breaking this is harder than it seems. I've written about the past. But still, I don''t really write about the present. I couldn't say how I felt right this moment in time without feeling like a wall is going to squash me. It's funny that. It makes you feel lost.

Secrets and lies. It is a never ending circle. Hiding things. I used to hide things pretty well. Always put on a happy, smiling face and people never look twice. I don't know if that still applies. I guess not now I have said it. But when you put on that face people think that everything is fine. Well sometimes it is not. Sometimes you're having a party in your head and other times it's so empty and lonely. And people would never notice. That's a secret of mine. But yeah, I guess I don't do that as much any more.

Secrets are bad people. Hiding things is bad. Yes I am perhaps the biggest hypocrite ever, but trying to change your ways has to count for something?

Pondering

I love to ponder. It's the best thing in the world. Although it is highly dangerous. Too much pondering could result in your brain exploding. Or depressing stuff. Bit happy pondering is ponderous! Ponder ponder ponder.

I'm like hyper as tiger on steroids or something. Or like a five year old with loads of sugar. Well then again I'm five at heart and in head. Ahh. J'adore. But there is a reason to this hyperness. See, its not just sugar and caffeine and energy. It's called TURIN BRAKES ARE PLAYING IN BEXHILL AND DOING ALBUM SIGNINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are like my favourite band ever. Just yeah. AND ITS FREE!!!!!!! Sorry, but I'm dying it's too good to be true!! Olly Knights!! Ahhhh!! Their music!! I can't even begin to write about it when I'm like this!! There music is so good!! Happy face!!

So yeah, that's why this will be all higgledy piggledy. But yeah, when you ponder you realise a lot of stuff. My brutally honest mate makes me ponder. Just because what he says is very funny and truthful. Yeah. But it's funny. And I was talking to him once, we talk a lot, I piss him off a lot, meh. But we were talking and I started to ponder what people really thought of me. Never good. And then another time I pondered what my voice looks like. I don't know. Well... I might. But I find it really odd to listen to your own voice like that. It's like whaaa? I'd have to ask someone. I'll do that.

Erg. I feel sick and I want to run. But no. People will get miffed. And that's not fun. Awww. I've had a really blerg day. It's been up and down and crying and hyper. It's like a rollercoaster. Tea. That's what I need. I love you!! Hahaha.

But yeah, pondering... It's fun. Ponder the meaning of life. Such a good movie. Haha. But seriously, life is a beauty and has so much. Everything is so beautiful and there is definitely something out there. And my grandmother, I miss you, taught me to love everything and she taught me about religion. But then she died. Yeah, I miss you. Xx Catholicism is red where as Baptist is blue. Funny that. But anyway, religion is part of a life. Love life. Love Disney!

In Retrospect…

So I'm writing a lot about music at the moment. And I'm writing a lot about music because it's a comfort and a safe thing and I guess with this stuff that's going on I kind of need it and it's really fantastic to have it. This stuff that might happen in life won't happen, not if I can help it because I'm a stubborn bitch.

So in retrospect, the song that fits my Wednesday is 'This Gift' by Glen Hansard. I'm in the mood for his voice at the moment. It fits today because the lyrics mean something.

"This gift will last forever
This gift will never let you down
Some things are made from better stuff
This gift is waiting to be found

Your heart's in wide receiving
Been too long buried in the sand
Some things require leaving
This gift will fall right in your hand
Just try to understand...

If you long enough
And you don't give up
If you're strong enough
And you don't give up
And you...

You'll be no harbor to the sorrow
Just let it go.

Don't hang your head in sorrow
Don't give up just before you win
Don't wait around for tomorrow
Open up your arms and let it in

This gift will last forever
This gift will never let you down
Some things are made from better stuff
This gift is ready to be found
Just you believe it now 

This gift will last forever
This gift will never let you down
Some things are made from better stuff
This gift is ready to be found
Your heart's in wide receiving
Been too long buried in the sand
Some things require believing
These things just fall right in your hand
Just try to understand

If you long enough
And you don't give up
If you're strong enough
And you don't give up"

The lyrics are really beautiful and mean something to me. Because if you don't give up and you don't give in things will get better. But if you give in and take a back seat then nothing will ever improve. And all it takes is for you to be live in yourself. And yes, you may be sad, but don't dwell on it. You have to let it go. And life us a gift and you only have one. So this song means a lot me as on the days like today where I don't feel like I can do it, it's nice to have a bit of inspiration.

I was pretty stupid and incredibly annoying today. I know that. I backed out of something I so shouldn't have. And all because of a little voice in my head that told me to. It told me that it's fine. And yeah. The amount of semi-truths I said to try and cover it up. But some people see right through them. Yeah, I'm finding school really tough, yeah I'm super stressed, yeah I'm really annoyed at people, yeah I'm fed of being reminded of some stuff and that it is how people see me, yeah I'm terrified a lot of the time, but it wasn't what was bugging me. And someone saw through that.

So this song, in an odd way, sums up all the clutter and mess in my head. All the thoughts that are spinning around and making no sense. And it tells me to keep on trying and not to give up. So yeah, life is good and be strong.

Nothing Worth Noting

Yeah, nothing worth saying at the moment. Life is amazing. Everything is really good. I've accepted a few things. And it feels really good. I know things that are going to happen, things that might, things that could and things that won't. And I am okay with all of it. 

So take like how it is. It is beautiful. Fill your heart with love. And be honest. Accept all things even if you don't like it. Keep your amazing friendships and hold them close to you. Tell people what you think, you get one shot at everything. Don't be scared to be who you are. Love life to it's full and live it!

I mean just find one thing a day that makes you smile. Today it was explaining why I'm a lizard and baking with my friends. Odd combination, but it was fun. Actually I lie, everything about today made me smile. Even the eating. It just felt good. 

So yeah, I am a lizard because I am always cold and I have to have a constant supply of heat or I get cold so therefore I am cold blooded and a lizard. I am a lizard! And a witch. I'm a witch because I drink herbal tea. 

I'm not actually a lizard or a witch. I'm a human. But see how it makes you smile. Just picture a giggling lamb. Funny right?

I have some things worth posting in the next two days. Some fun things and some achievements. But today is not the day. So you'll have to wait. But live life to it's full! Life is amazing! And ponder people. Ponder, ponder, ponder, ponder. 

Self Harm...

Self harm is a topic that people prefer not to talk about. It's a horrible thing to do to yourself and the only gain from doing it is ultimately scars. But if people took the time to talk about it to the person, then from my experience, it helps as you may be able to understand.

Self harm is a very stupid thing to do. It may not feel like that at the time, but in reflection you'll regret it. And let me tell you, you'll have missed out on so many opportunities and experiences that it is so not worth it.

I'm not going to write this as a list of reasons why not to do it. But if you are someone who self harms or you know someone who does, perhaps you have done it, maybe you are a really bored person with nothing to do, but self harm goes so deep into a persons mind that you're not going to be able to stop it just with a click of your fingers.

People self harm for different reasons. I self harmed because of what was going on in my head. And when you self harm, you are selfish. You don't see how it effects others, you don't really see their pain. You are so blind in your own self pity that you don't really see what's going on around you. Or at least I didn't. Well, not until I looked back.

Another reason why people self harm is because it is a coping mechanism. It helps them cope with what is going on in their life, whether it be depression, family issues, grief, confusion or anything else they are having a hard time dealing with. They run from what is going on. Then when they try to stop harming themselves, they can't. They become dependant on it. And they can't, or find it difficult to stop as they are so used to coping in that way.

Looking back on what I did, I see the bigger picture. But what is more heart breaking, is that someone else in my life is hurting themselves deliberately. It may have started of a way of coping with the death of his mother and the stress of a busy job, but it has now become an illness. And I hate him for it.

This man, he drinks so much. He is hurting himself and he has forgotten why. He forgets things. He forgets who we are, what he's done and why he did it. He forgets who he is. He lets the alcohol take over. Sometimes he is so lost, we don't see him for weeks. He is addicted and this illness is ruining him.

He is such a nice man. He has a big heart and is a fantastic man. He is excellent at his job and loves us. He helps people for a living. He is funny and caring. He would never hurt a fly.

But when he drinks that changes. He is hurting himself. Again and again and again.

Self harm is nothing to be proud of. It messes with your head. It has so many risks. Infection, death, losing people you care about. It is not something you should ever do. You should never burn, or cut or hurt yourself in anyway. It breaks you and everyone around you.

The long sleeves in summer and the scars that stay there for a long time afterwards. It's not fun. There is always a better way of finding a way through things.

Life is beautiful! Self harm ruins it. Do you want to ruin your life? Do you want to ruin others? Don't self harm. Life is so good! It is beautiful! Don't be stupid and ever do something you'll regret.

Things can only get better!

It's Magic!

There is so much magic in life. Not the fairy magic, but beautiful magic. Magic that really exists. A beautiful, heart warming, fantastic and life changing magic.

Hugs are magic! Nothing says it's going to be okay or it's fine or thank you or everything will be okay. Hugs are magic. They make you feel safe and happy. They comfort you and make you feel better inside as you know someone cares. Friends give hugs to say 'hey' or simply they give hugs for the sake of it. I love hugs. They are magic and say so much! Magic is real!

Another magical thing in life is happiness! When a smile spreads across your face and you can't help it. True smiles reach your heart! They make you feel so good. Happiness is amazing. It's a blue-green sort of turquoise. It's really green for turquoise, but it's nothing like the colour of starvation. It's less intense and more green. It's almost like the typical turquoise you see. It's warm and comforting. It's really catchy for a colour. When you see it, you don't forget. It's memorable and the colour is like, well it's like this...

It's like the turquoise on that. It's really pretty and happiness is really pretty! To be honest it's amazing. Happiness is awesome people!

You know, the world is so magical. There is definitely something magic about it. Everything is so complicated and beautiful. There is definitely something more to it than the facts and science we know. I love this mystery; it's magical. And you feel it. You feel it in your heart. Nothing is straight forward. Life is too beautiful for it to be coincidence. There has to be something more. Can't you feel it in your heart? You feel it all around you. The colours of the rain, the colour of people's voices, the way emotions appear, the way music is a dance of colours and numbers and letters like to swim and dance! It's beautiful. It can't be just science. There is so much more. Life is just too beautiful and magical to be a chance. I love it's beauty. You see it don't you? You feel it don't you? If you don't, let it into your heart, you'll feel the magic!

See, there is so much magic in life. Hugs, happiness and life itself. Sorry if it's all I talk about, but life is great. Vetter than great. Just open your eyes and heart... LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!

Loving Life!

Right now I love life! It's so beautiful and there are colours everywhere. There are so many people who accept me for me. Life is beautiful. Everything about it is so perfect and unique. You have one shot at life, as far as we know, and you should make the most of it! 

Life is not a single colour. It's a spectrum of every single colour and it shines so bright. Life is not just one emotion, it's every emotion! Life is so beautiful and sharp and amazing. The rain, sun, wind and everything makes life so special. 

But there is a feeling that accompanies life. I bet everyone feels it. But when you love life so much there is this green fluffy glow that lights up in the centre of your mind and then starts to glow in your heart. The glow is the colour of emeralds. It has this rich, clear, honest colour that is really special. It doesn't mean love or enjoyment or happiness, hope, sorrow, loneliness, hate, joy, excitement ect. It means all if it! It is a beautiful, amazing, fantastic glow. 

I only feel it when I'm loving life to its full. And the past month or so, I've loved it. Although I may have felt sad, lonely and upset at times, I've realised I love life and the ups and downs are part of it. I've been on a high for a while now, and even if it dips slightly I know that life is amazing and beautiful and one of the best things ever, that whatever I feel will pass and I'll get back on that high that is a constant flow of energy.

Love life! It's amazing! And no matter how bad it feels, it's always going to get better. You just have to want it. Life is amazing and you never want to cut it short. LIVE LIFE TO ITS FULL!!