Guilty Minds

Imagine this:

You do something that you know you shouldn't have done, I don't know, you push a small child in front of a car or something to save your own life. Or you have a huge argument with someone and you say some mean stuff. I don't know. But pick something that makes you feel guilty.

Next, intensify that feeling by a million and a voice into your head that tells you what to do. Push that small child in front of that car, start that fight and be really mean. That is the voice telling you to do that. Always there. Always talking to you. It is a battle in your head constantly between your conscience and that voice. Who wins? You don't know.

Now, that feeling of guilt. The bright acrylic yellow that you see on plastic. The shade is similar to some of the plastic we used to have in our DT classes. And then around the edges are these circles, the colour of a bruise you get on a banana all mushy and brown and frankly unappealing. You feel this build up of guilt in your throat. It builds up and up and up until it reaches your head. This pile up of hundreds of sharp edged squares. Erg. Guilt is a mean bean!

Then mix the build up of guilt with tension. The growing ball of tension that swells inside your head. The blinding, bright, glare of a white so sterile it would seem out of place in an operating theatre.

So the mix between the two, it's like a mouldy-yellow-cough medicine sort of thing. It is horrible and glares at you light a bright light when you turn a light on in the middle of the night. It builds up in your head. You just want to get rid of it.

Now then, every way of removing this tension is removed from your life because people care too much. Now that is torture on a plate. So yeah.

Tomorrow is a new day. Next week is a new week. Lets start it off with a clean page. No carrying over. Let's make a stand. Lets be happy. And not feel like this guilt is being forced upon you. Bring on the tears and the fights. But I'd much rather be happy then depressed. Who wouldn't?

So yeah. I've been feeling pretty low for a few weeks. And next week, I am so changing that. The past week has been awful. I'm doing this my way. Happy and less guilt and less of this desire to hurt myself to get rid of it.

So I here by promise you, that I will do what ever it takes to be happy and stay alive.

Forgive and Forget?

Hercules is such an awesome movie! And best of all- it's Disney! It is such an amusing take on the Greek myth and of course, the Disneyfication of it not only makes it awesome, but it makes it so much easier to understand for all of us simple minded souls.

Disney is magical- just like the T.V says. It always manages to cheer me up, even from the worst moods. Even the girls with the disproportionate eyes and hands and waists and legs and arms. The Disney songs are so random and strange but I love them. And there are always lessons to be learnt from Disney!

Hercules teaches us not to try and be things we are not and that all the bravado we put on is nothing compared to who we are. It also tells us not to trust people with fire for hair. Hercules feels like he doesn't belong (who doesn't feel like that sometimes), bu t after a bit of time being a hero, he discovers that he belongs right here, on Earth, in the place where he lives. Disney tells us "to quit your moaning and stop being so pathetic and get on with life!" Disney also shows us that we all fit in, in our own special way.

Also, there is this part where 'Meg' betrays him, and then he forgives her!? After she ultimately gained his trust then broke his heart and Hades took away his strength in order to try and overthrow Zeus. And he forgave he! Is some little idiot did that to me... I'd snap their neck. I would so want to keep my super power and save the world. I suppose the phrase "forgive and forget" springs into mind here. I don't forgive easily. I'm very excellent at holding a grudge against someone. Am I holding a grudge at the moment? Ummmm... I think I am. But I can't remember why. Well, I have the forget side of that phrase.

But my Sunday afternoon was heaven... A Disney movie to lift my spirits and yeah. Disney can make you feel so special and awesome and they are the best 'feel-good-movies' ever! Who needs a rom-com and ice cream when you're feeling blerg? Why not watch Disney in front of the fire? Yep- we have a fire! It's cold, don't judge!

"Knowledge is life with wings."

William Blake is my favourite poet. Poetry is not dead, it is very much a live. Lyrics to your favourite shitty rap song are poetry, although bad ones. Very bad ones. William Blake was a fantastic poet! Yeah, he was a bit mad, but all geniuses are! He was, and is, better than any modern day poet or song writer! He just chose not to write his poem to some stupid, machine made sound that you all seem to class as music. He didn't write only about love, drugs, sex, ex's or some other seemingly irrelevant thing. He wrote magic! And logic!

"What is now proven was once imagined..." 

Well it was, wasn't it. Once we dreamed of flying to the stars and new lands. Once we dreamed all of these seemingly impossible dreams, but now, well now they are a reality.

"Everything to be imagined is an image of truth..." 

Again, true! Even our wildest dreams and aspirations have truth in them. There is no escaping honesty. It chases after you. We imagine what we want to happen, and in there are elements of truth. Our future. Everything is like that. 

"How can a bird that is born for joy, sit in a cage and sing?"

How can something have it's soul purpose removed from it's life and still be expected to do it? Why cadge a bird when it is supposed to be free to enjoy life. How can you put it in a cadge and expect it to sin for you, when it has no freedom? You can't. So follow what your heart says and do not suppress the enjoyment that you, as an individual, were made for. 

You can be anything in life, do anything, achieve anything, as long as you do it and don not expect others to. There is no limit as to what you can do, as long as you put your mind to it and do it. You can never reach an end because only you are capable to push yourself towards all of these infinite possibilities. 

"To see a world in a Grain of Sand

And a Heaven in a wild flower,

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand

And Eternity in an hour..."

Only a fool would not see the beauty in this. There is a whole different life time going on inside the smallest of things. And true beauty can be shown in the purest, strongest things. The creations of God make a heaven on Earth if you look at the design and beauty of it all. You have the power to create infinite chances and create the best things in your life in the small window of life that you get a glimpse at. These possibilities are not a fabrication, but an actual thing and each one is as unique as the individual creating them. 

"In the Universe, there are things that are known, 

and things that are unknown and in between, 

there are doors."

So, in life you have things that are certain to exist, things that cannot possibly be, and things that nobody knows about. You have to find out about them by taking a risk and opening a door that will lead down a new path and will hold things that are uncertain. But that is the only way forwards as otherwise you are going to be so stuck in your ways, that you are going to lose everything. The known is boring, the impossible is out of bounds, so the unknown is the only way forwards. It may not be the safest path, but it is the one that is going to throw the most chances at you.