Oh I could be oh so poetic about this. I could write it in a poetic way. And it would be boring then. Who wants life to be one big long interpretation? Nobody! That's for sure! Well, sating that... some people might like to interpret things.
So, food. Food is essential to life and in a way that really does suck. I don't like a lot of food and if I had the choice I would go without. I still struggle with food. I want to go back to this safety net of 900 calories, which I know is really bad for me. I still find it really hard to eat a lot of foods and I still find it hard to eat out in public places. I can't eat a sandwich in school. Sounds stupid, but I just can't do it.
It's been playing on my mind a lot recently. Will this ever go away? Will I ever have a normal relationship with food? I'm still scared to put dairy in my mouth, which makes breakfast hard. But I've just had to accept that it is something I'm going to live with till I get over it. I can't bring myself to eat rice. I can just about manage the smallest amount of potato. I can do a mouthful of something like cake or chocolate. But then I feel so incredibly guilty and I have to exercise.
The thoughts of guilt and shamefulness still plague my mind. The little voice in the back of my mind. Always there. But I've learnt not to listen to it. I am perfectly okay. And you shouldn't let food control your life.
Body image is still something I struggle with. But then again who doesn't? Blame society and media stereotypes for that one.
I'm really anxious about this weekend mind. It's a DofE hike thing. And there is a whole list of foods there that I'm scared to eat, I can't eat and I don't like. And then there is the fact that it is outside. And the fact that there is no way to control the bacteria and the pressure to eat because we would have been hiking. The pressure to eat enough to keep everyone else safe. The pressure to eat so that it stops mother and my lovely guy from worrying. The pressure to eat so that others feel safe around me. But what if I can't? What if I'm just not hungry? What if I don't eat enough? What if I can't put the rice or the chocolate or the cheese in my mouth? What if it's a bad day? If it's a bad day at home I just find something that I can eat and I take my time over it. But I can't do that in a field. A bad day at home takes me a while to eat but I get around to it and I eat when I'm comfortable to. I used to be so scared I'd cry and shake and hate myself. They've never seen that. What if I can't do it? What if they see that? How would they take it? I don't think they'd understand. They've never been put in that situation before. Not inside their own head. I don't know if it's going to be okay. To tell the truth, I'm scared.
But what will be, will be. Oh gosh. Never mind. Life trundles on. It's just 2 days.
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