Keeping Calm

What do you do when you panic? When you freak out? When you are so close to going back into bad habits? When you are scared and angry? Seriously, when you are as far away as possible from calm... What do you do? Me, I write it down several times and then try to make it seem logical. The amount of times I have written this post is just too many. It started off as an angry rant, then a low down of the day, then a confession of self hate and now it's about something.

So why am I panicking? Well this sounds very stupid, but I'm 59 calories over 900 calories. I feel so guilty and worthless. But I'm trying to find logic and reason in the fact that it is still less than 1000, which is less than a half. But no, it's not working. I want to get up really early tomorrow and run for hours. But no, I can't do that can I? I hate choosing not to run. I'd much rather have my friends, but I wish they'd understand why I need to run. Just once a week. It can't do any harm. Not really. 

I am also extremely angry. I don't think I haven't gotten annoyed at anyone this evening. I have gotten annoyed with anyone who spoke to me at some point. And do you know what it is like to see so many orange triangles shatter in front of your eyes? It's an explosion of bright orange glass. It shatters towards you. So yeah, anger does get very annoying. This constant shattering of bright orange. 

I got so angry at one point today that I wanted to cut myself just to get rid of it. Bad habit. But I didn't. I grabbed a guy with a green voice. A calm voice. And made him talk. It's funny that just by seeing his voice, it made you think calm. That dude is a legend. He spoke about a cafe or something in Spanish. Thank you. 

So yeah, I feel very guilty. This makes me angry. Usually, I'd run to get rid of anger. But I can't. So I'm kind of stuck in this cycle between anger and guilt and guilt and anger. On and on it loops in a circle. Just let me run! Would you rather I ran behind your back (I am so close to doing that), and over did it. Or, would you rather I ran with your knowledge, but you had a say in it? Let me run! It would make this whole thing so much easier to deal with!