New Year, Total Bull!

New Year means different things for different people. But most commonly and the most associated is a new start, broken and empty promises to yourself and a different out look on life. It's total bull.

Last year, I swore I would change. But who am I kidding? I haven't changed. I'm still me. Maybe a more miserable and pessimistic me who hates most people. But I'm still the pathetic person that I have always been. I still don't have a clear idea of what I want to do with my life. Nothing important has changed.

So all the promises you make to your self are empty and a load of bull. Will you really loose weight? Go to the gym? Or what ever you want to do. You won't. Because you make a change when you are ready to. Not when a calender tells you to. So go drink your face off and disappoint yourself.

That's Why

The drinking started today at about 10. It wont stop until The day after new years eve. Work included. Now you understand. The controlling alcoholics and me. It's not just y dad, but my mum and brother. Sooooo...

Funny That

Funny that revision made me me and that when I stopped just now, it all came back down again. Funny that I can't find a middle ground. Not funny but annoying. I'll get there, That's what I do.

There is a tired face looking back at me. Something is telling me that it's mine. But the face looks tired and broken and upset and tired. I'm so tired. And stressed and tired. I can't cope with it. There's no rock or anyone. Maybe I should stop. Or go. Or just give in. Who knows. Time will tell.

If

If I walked off a cliff
or walked in front of car
would you notice I was gone.
Would you notice I was gone.
If I stopped showing up
or stopped coming in
would you care where I'd gone
would you know where I'd gone

Ifs just a possibility
filled with so much uncertainty
would you notice if I stayed
would you notice if I went away.
If I went away.

If I made a noose tonight
if I died and went away
would you know i was gone
would you know i was gone
If I drowned tonight
if I swallowed 200 pills
would you know I was gone
would you care that I'd gone

  Ifs just a possibility
filled with so much uncertainty
would you notice if I stayed
would you notice if I went away.
If I went away.

If i went away
or if i stayed
would you notice a differance
I think i know the answer
so if i stay or go
you wouldn't even know I've gone away.

Men

The day a man keeps his promise, doesn't let me down, doesn't break my trust is the day I eat my hat. Until then, I hate most men I know. Oh and don't flatter yourself "darling", it's not all about you

Polar Bears

So, polar bears. What's with them? They're white and cute and deadly and also a funny representation for life. Such a cute thing is so deadly and dangerous. It appears to be one thing, but it's not. How cute they appear is really just hiding how deadly and dangerous they are.

The word polar bear also reminds me of the word bipolar. Funny that. I mean not really. Bipolar disorder is something that my friends have thought that I've got for a while. And it looks like they're right. At least that's what the doctor says. Personally, I just see it as me. But then I can also see how it's like a polar bear. From the distance its all okay, but when you get to know me and spend time with me, its a dangerous thing.

I guess I see the point. The sex, the hyperactivity, the wild dreams, the spontaneous actions. Once I decided to walk along a busy dangerous part of the A21 just because it was the quickest way somewhere. Another time I spent £400 on Disney because it made me so excited and I just had to have it. When I was with my boyfriend, I longed for him to be as close to me as possible. I want to jump of a high place just to see if I'll die. I picture it in the 3rd person. Odd that. I feel so low that I won't eat for weeks. I slip back into my anorexic habits. I don't want to do anything. I hate getting up. I hate sleeping. I can't sleep. I'm too awake. I'm depressed for ages. I'm in love. Heartbroken. Not needing anyone around. Feeling isolated. Paranoia. Not caring. Loving life. Hating life. Depression. Depression. Depression. Depression. Depression. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hurting. Wonderful.

I was wonderful until then. Now I'm not. Apparently things like that can trigger it. Or make the condition noticeable, or something like that. I wasn't listening. I was sitting there in disbelief. Sitting there being angry or just simply not listening. Picturing me playing the cello and practising none stop pouring my soul into this human that sings with a voice better than anyone else. It is so beautiful. And I've only just started to learn and yet it already feels like my soul mate.

I hate being like this. Up and down all the time. I'm angry at myself for letting a breakup effect me so much. For giving me the label. I'm angry for letting it show. If it hadn't have shown maybe I'd still be ignorant  to what had happened. I would be over it because the hyperactivity would have protected me. But the sadness can get heavy. So this is me. Bipolar. Crazy. Insane, Not good enough. Second place. Bipolar. Label. Used. Unhappy. Great. Determined. Alone. Bipolar. Out of control. Polar bear. It would be so easy to walk under a bus or tie a noose. Polar bear.

Run, Pray, Work, Pray, Eat, Pray, Sleep

Some times the best way to deal with the word is to ignore it.

Run as fast as you can as far as you can.

Pray whilst running.

Work as hard as you can for as long as possible in every spare moment.

Pray after working.

Eat when you aren't working or running.

Pray when eating.

Sleep when your day has worn you out.

Fill every moment with something to do. Get the most out of life.

Announcing

Religion in my house is frowned upon. I don't really understand why because both my parents were brought up in a religious home and as a young child they actively encouraged it. But they also encouraged us to make our own decisions with their guidance. And they guided me away from faith.

But now I'm here to say I believe in God. So much has changed to show me that there is a God and that the white-purple mist that is never quite there, is like that because He is always there. When you focus on it you understand that it is His love that is everywhere and the purple is so spread out because He loves us so much.

What really made me make my mind up and stop wavering on the edge was a combination of things. He was there when others turned their back. He was there when I felt scared and alone. He was there when I needed courage. He was there when hope broke. Most importantly, at the hardest time of realisation He gave me Josh Turner and in particular a song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MG57JZvge_I

The lyrics of the song spoke to me:

"If you're looking for somebody you can talk to,
When the troubles and the heart ache over comes you,
There's a man you can count on,
That you can put your problems on.

You've got questions,

You need directions
Arms to hold you for all eternity,
Look no further,
There's no other for a lover and an understander,
Jesus is the answer."

That just spoke to me. I could feel the waves of love. So I am here to say, that I believe. Its a wonderful thing and already I feel like the purple is guiding me. 

Yes, I do ignore some of the things I believe I'm being told to do, but that's because I know that now is not the time. So let life go on and open up your hearts to the world around you! 

Stalker

So there is this creepy child. She just stalks me. Or she used to. She used to read this blog and know everything about ,y life before I even knew her properly. What a stalker you are. And now she is a really good mate o'mine. Bless her. Such a freak. From her long hair that has no real set colour to her funny voice that is really very pretty, to how short she seems as we are all so tall. Bless the lovely child. I do love her. You silly stalk sod. :P

Goodbye

I've just had to say good bye to one of my favourite people on the planet. It took a lot of courage to do that. But it is for the best. It just wasn't working. I know over the phone wasn't the best, but face to face would have been too much and I'd have chickened out. I'm sorry

So Here We Are Again...

So, here we are again. Here we are old friend. It's been what? A year? and here we are again. You and me, my best friend. We work well together, you and I. Nothing ever really gets in the way of us meeting again. So lets take each other by the hand and walk off into the sunset like two lovers. We know one another like the back of our hands. So, me and you, forever and always xx

Blue Skies

So, the Song "Blue Skies" by Noah and the Whale springs to mind as it fits these past few days and probably the next few weeks perfectly:

This is a song for anyone
With a broken heart
This is a song for anyone
Who can't get out of bed

I'll do anything
To be happy
Oh, 'cause blue skies are calling
But I know that it's hard

This is the last song that I write
While still in love with you
This is the last song that I write
While you're even on my mind

Cause it's time to leave
Those feelings behind
Oh, 'cause blue skies are calling
But I know that it's hard

I don't think that it's the end
But I know we can't keep going
I don't think that it's the end
But I know we can't keep going

But blue skies are calling
Oh, yeah, blue skies are calling
Oh, blue skies are calling
But I know that it's hard

The lyrics really mean a lot to me at the moment. I've been feeling so low and angry with the world and some days, I haven't wanted to get out of bed or go to college or even see my mates at the end of the week. But this is it. I don't what we had to be over, but it wasn't working how it should have. So, I'm putting my beliefs to the side as it is time to move on. We can't keep going. If it works out in the future, great. But we both know that's never going to happen. It is time to move on. 

In moving on, there will be days when I pine and there will be days when it is time to leave those feelings behind and look back with fondness and know that slowly it's getting better. We have to move on, stop fighting and let what will happen, happen. 

It applies to everyone it feels like I'm losing or lost. Friendships are good whilst they last, but you can't hang on to them if they aren't going to make you happy. Yes, I've felt so miserable for months and it just gets worse the more I dwell on how lonely it is now, but there are blue skies and rainbows, unicorns, smiles and laughter on the way. It's not going to bad forever. 

If you told me that things would get better this time last year, I wouldn't have believed you. I was stick thin, really not right in my head, miserable and wanting the impossible. Now I'm fighting for everything I want and not letting anything get in my way. I've changed as a person. I've grown into someone who can stand on my own two feet. I've changed. People change. 

People changing is why friendships change. It's why friendships fall apart. You see someone who was already arrogant becoming so far up themselves that they are unbearable. They swear and cross the lines and don't stop. They don't know when to, or rather they choose not to. That's a change from the arrogant but caring friend you had. Another friend changes as they are vulnerable. They feel exposed and scared and make rash decisions. They make bad decisions and then they lie. They impulsively lie and things that didn't bother them before or would have made them laugh, make them bitter now. They see it all as a personal attack and they don't understand why someone would have turned on them. They are scared and when people get to close they run. They put up a front that's not them and the kind, sweet and funny person is gone. Another change. Another looks down their nose even more. Belittle's everyone around them, making them feel even worse and inferior. They weren't ever like that. They always made the effort and thought that all of us were equals. 

So, with the blue skies on the horizon, it's time to swallow my pride and accept that this is going to be the loneliest time of my life, this week. My birthday will go unnoticed by most. The things I want to do will be ignored or people will lie as they don't want to be there. But that's okay. It is a time to get my study head back. I'll look back at moments over the past year with fondness. I won't regret anything I've done, any decision, because it has been the best time of my life. 

Explosion

Everything in life just seems to be exploding in a bubble of chaos and confusing. Why?

I'm Practically A Vegan... :O

So, I went to the doctors and he was like "Hmmmm maybe you shouldn't eat dairy for a while" :( and then this morning, it hit me! I'm practically a vegan :O I don't eat meat or egg and now I can't have milk based things. :( WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TOO?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Retrospect- The Last Quite A Long Time

So, in retrospect of the last however many months that equates to too many days and too many hours with an impossible number of seconds, I've concluded that people aren't hat they seem. Those you thought to be people you can rely on may not be and those you only vaguely know turn out to be better than others you know.

The people that you love will change over time. The people that you care about will fade in and out of how much you care. The way you act around people will change and the way you are will never be the same. You have moments in your life when you will be the most fun person to be around, and moments when you are not. My moment at the moment is the not. But that doesn't bother me, because my time will come again.

A wise friend told me today that it would be heartbreaking to watch me go back to the way I was. I relied on one person so much that we lost who we were along the way. Everyday who you are friends with changes and it gets harder to make a decision the more you get to know somebody. And the things you want to do also change. We all change so much and that's a scary thought. Change is scary.

I guess the reason why change is so scary is because we aren't used to it. I want to hang on to the safe environment that I've created for myself. It was really warm and purple and hugged me in a warm blanket by the fire with a warm cup of tea. It's the nice safe feeling that you get. Maybe your favourite place. Or you favourite thing. My safety is the warmth that I get and the rainbow of colours that are in my world.

So forgive and forget. Love and cry. Be happy and sad and move on with life. We all make mistakes and we all learn from our experiences. We all have memories and sometimes that's for the best. And today has really shown me that there are more important things in life than the pain you put yourself through when you can move on with life and worry about things that need your attention.

Life...Again...

Life is a funny thing. It's a sad thing, a beautiful thing, a wonderful thing, a horrible thing. And sometimes all it takes is a kick in the right direction from a friend and then it doesn't seem so bad.

Today, I learnt that I've got to stop moaning and whinnying so much. I'm stubborn and clingy and needy. I'm hard to tolerate and I'm annoying. I can stop all that. I can make myself a different person. My fun side isn't as strong as it was. It hasn't been there for a while, but I've got to learn to separate the good from the bad and not let people in on it because it drags them down.

So, moving on, I have to move on. I want my friendships to stay and I want to move out of the past. And to do so, I've got to shut my world out and forget bout it. I have to live for others. When others are happy, I'm happy. I love my friends, I miss them. So let's move on and see where the world takes us. Here's to the future

Lyrics

Recently, I have found a lot of comfort in Josh Turner's lyrics. They have made me happy and fitted perfectly when I'm down. The rich tones in his voice are only enhanced by the lyrics he writes. He writes about love, heartbreak, God and sacrifices he is willing to make.

His music is from the soul and really does make me feel better. It's so upbeat and wonderful. I could listen to his voice all day long and it just levels out my mood. Makes the hyper less scary and the sad less sad. It's wonderful.  

Mermaid duck

Seriously, I want to live in a cartoon world. It would be so much better. For example I could be a mermaid or a duck or a much better version of me as a mermaid duck. What is life?

Lie

You lie when you say you're fine. You tell the truth by saying what's really on your mind. I'm empty.

Fight Campaign

Fight the media on the portrayal of body types for both men and women. Young children grow up with distorted views. Anorexia destroyed so many parts of my life. Don't let it do it to someone you love.

https://www.facebook.com/FightCampaign

What's going on?

Funny Thing

Funny thing is after a really bad day, you're still the person I want to talk to it about. When I fainted, you were the first person I wanted to call. It will take time to be just friends. But I'll fight nd fight and fight it. Who knows, maybe this will make us stronger or maybe this will prove that nobody can be with me. The funniest thing is, I hate that my fave thing in the whole world has gone.

That Cliché

That cliché of when you have your heart broken it feels like your heart has been shattered is true. So is the one about not being able to breath. It hurts.

My heart feels like it's been dropped from the top of the tallest building and smashed like fine china. It's this purple-pink colour. The purple is for love. I love my friend with all my heart and it's been smashed. The pink is the hurt. Oink is always pain and emotional pain is still pink. The purple pink fog that seems to be sitting around my heart means I can't breath. It hurts. It's that reminder that you can't pick up your phone and call them to tell them what's wrong. Last night all I wanted was a hug from them and for them to tell me it would be okay like they usually do. But I couldn't have that. Because they're gone for now.

Let's not dwell on it. But right now I hate you but want you back. I think it's gonna stay that way for a while. You said that it could be the biggest mistake you'd make. I'll give you time. Just don't look at me with those eyes full of pity. I hope you cried as much as I did.

If Life Was A Disney Movie...

If life was a Disney movie, there would be no heart break.
If life was a Disney movie, we'd never give up.
If life was a Disney movie, nobody would ever hurt.
If life was a Disney movie, I'd be a mermaid and live near Denmark and be just as miserable.

Tired

I'm tired of all the fighting.
Tired of all the hurt.
Tired of all the waiting.
Tired of it all.

Really?

To be quite honest what you implied hurt. I didn't think you'd ever do that. Well, you proved me wrong. Unless you are keeping a really wonderful secret, I suggest you think about it and think about what you want. It really hurt what you said. Or rather what you didn't say. Really? I thought you would have some sense and maybe, just maybe change your mind.

I Think It's Starting Again...

I think the constant blindness to the truth is starting again. The constant lie in my head. The constant counting and maths. The constant thoughts on how not to be me. I think it's started and I think I'm enjoying it. I think it's slowly creeping back into my life. I think it's the new environment. I think it's making me ill again.

All the watching, counting and hating. Don't forget the exercising. It's impulsive, And yet comforting. I think its starting again. I don't think it ever went...

Colour

What if the reason that we all like different colours is because we each have our own colour spectrum that makes other colours stand out?

That would mean that the blue and green shades stand out more for me than the pinks and yellows. Maybe that's why the colours mean different things to me? I love the colours that stand out because that's how my brain is programmed: to see those colours. And maybe that's why pink means bad and painful things: it fades into the background and for most shades, if not all, it makes my stomach churn to look at.

It would be funny if that were the case. Everyone's life would be so different. Everyone would see the colours in such a different way and have different ideas about about the intensity and richness of each colour. Almost makes you want to research it... But not quite.

Let Down

My dad is a let down. Time and time again he lets me down and makes empty promises and he always messes things up for me, like my dream job. He always does it. He drinks and drinks and drinks and hurts me emotionally time and time again. I guess I should have learnt by now not to trust him or to know that he will let me down.

It sounds trivial but its always about my older sister and younger brother with him. I'm just his spare. I don't mind that but its when he tells you this and then lies about it to his friends and makes out how much he cares about you. But when did he ever take me to karate or to a fight. When did he ever offer to help me learn piano or to buy me a book. He has never helped me with anything. There's never anything for me.

He has let me down too many times. He messes up my chances at anything I want to do. That's because he is a drunk and nasty man who deserves nothing from his life any more. He expects you to tip toe around his drinking and how he feels. He goes off without telling anyone and then gets pissed when you don't care or notice. He is a nasty man who drives around drunk and hurts you. And he lets you down and messes life up for you if you aren't like him.

He is a nasty man who shouts and tries to make out that he is incapable of anything. I'd rather he was out of my life forever so that I can never be hurt or let down by him again. Mum says all men are like that. But if they are, I'm going to have a lonely life because of him.

What I Should Have Said To Derek...

I met the amazing Derek Landy on Saturday! He is a genius and inspiring and he has unknowingly helped me through tough times with his stories. Valkyries struggle with Darquesse reflects the struggle that I have with food and the way I see the world. And being able to pick up one of his books helps, even if I only read my favourite chapters. I guess I should have said that to Derek.

In his ultimate book: "The Dying of the Light", Derek writes about Valkyrie seeing peoples auras. He describes the different colours that she sees for each person there. This, for me, was amazing. After a lot of research and talking to a few people who know a thing or too, I discovered that I have synaesthesia, and for Derek to write about Val seeing these colours meant loads to me as it helped me know that it's extraordinary as it's such a rare form of magic in the books and that reflects how amazing it is in real life.

Valkyrie has also helped me through anorexia. She has a demon, Darquesse. And at sixteen and going through fighting her demon in her head, I felt like I could be like her and be strong and get through it. And with so much support from my friends and obsessive reading of books five to seven, I'm no longer fighting the demon in my head as much and I'm learning how to control it. The demon's still there, but I know if I'm strong like Valkyrie, determined like Tanith and egotistical like Skulduggery, I'll fight the demon as Derek has written the words to show me that every person has a dark side but if they are truly determined, they'll get through it and come out the other side a much stronger person.

Derek is truly a lovely guy. Don't know how he does it! Sitting there talking to fans all day and signing books and being upbeat. He is so amazing and his work reflects that. He never fails to rip your heart out and leave it to be stomped on. Thank you Golden God!

IT'S TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I owe you an apologie

I want to say sorry to my best guy. You mean the world to me and yet I can be such a bitch to you.

You try and help me through everything and I get pissed at you. So I'm sorry. I want to be with you and my friends but conversations aren't coming easily to me.

I find it hard to know what to say as there is so much going on in my head. But these are not excuses as to the way I've treated you and stuck you in the middle of it all.

I'm so sorry. You are trying to so what's best and to make things right. I don't deserve you. You try and do the best and make things right and understand what's going on to find a solution and to make it alright. You are a kind and caring person and I'm sorry.

Appreciate

I never really knew how much I take things for granted. I take people for granted too. And I didn't realise it. This isn't going to be another self pity post. There are too many of them in the world and I don't need to contribute another one.

Seriously people. Friends. You never realise how much you love them until they're not there. Its so sad when they are gone. Even if its for a few days. I love them soooo sooooo much!! I love you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stuck in the Mud

I can't think of a way to say this. That's happening a lot at the moment. Finding the right words and putting words together to make them fit. But here its conveying it in the right way. I have a word document that I use when I can't get the words out or when I feel that it's something I can't share with what could potentially be complete strangers or the wrong person. But this doesn't fit that. So if I put it the wrong way or say something that doesn't make sense or come across as rude, I'm sorry but I tried my best.

The sad thing is that you have a family. Yes my family loves me and I love parts of them. But family shouldn't literally throw or throw any act of kindness back in your face. They shouldn't be aggressive or make personal comments that are to do with the things you've struggled with.. Now this may be me being a moany self centred witch and you may say that it's just family being family. But it's not. They hurt you day after day. And it's all four of them. My sisters not around not, but when she is here her and my brother make jokes at my expense. And they hurt. They're not kind. By brother treats me like dirt when its just family around and even more when he is showing off to his friends. My dad is a nasty drunk. Very rarely do I see him sober. And when he is sober he has two versions of himself. The nice funny man, the caring kind nurse and then there is the nasty man who shouts and belittles you. My mum and I get along most of the time when we are together, which is rare. They criticize me and the fact that my parents are out or hammered most days of the week its down to me to cook and clean and yet they throw it back at me. Yes they are good people, but they have little respect and awareness. My mum sits there and slags of religion, particularly Christianity, and yet if I try to defend it or poke fun at her hippy beliefs, she jumps down my throat and is very nasty about it. Friends say get out of the house and go stay with a friend. But they're either too far away and most likely busy. So it feels like you're stuck. Stuck in the mud. Thats what it feels like. Your heart is weighed down in mud and you're stuck there in the sticky mud.

Then there are the people I care about, but it feels like they don't care half as much. Add that to the feeling like someone you are so close to is pulling away from you and you feel hollow and alone. And this has been a while. This hollow hollow feeling. And it just gets bigger. Its a peach-orange that gets so dark that its almost black in places. So here it is.  Hollow and lonely and trapped. Always good.

I Understand Now

I understand now. I understand what it's been like for everyone when I was in a bad place. There's someone you care about and you don't know how to go about helping them. You know what's eating them up inside. But you just don't know how to help them. And it makes you sad. I get it now.

It's horrible to sit back and watch somebody you care about struggle and feel down. You understand where they are coming from and know how they feel. That's the funny thing, you know how they're feeling. You totally understand. It's something that you're still trying to get better from. But they're not ill with it. They're just insecure and upstart about it and are feeling bad about themselves. So you do know how to help. You know what to say but you don't. You hate to see them hurting but you don't know what to say to make it better.

Please just let me know. I hate your words being a light cloudy grey tinged with a light baby blue. It's horrible to see you sad. To see you hurting. But don't hide it. I want to help you. But I get how powerless you felt. I know that no matter what anyone says and no matter how hard you try to believe it, it just doesn't go in. Because you can't help but find fault with yourself and always link it back to this one thing. And it eats you up.

Listen to me, you are a perfect human the way you are and you needn't worry. There is no point in comparing yourself to anyone else as every human is different.

So I just wanted you to know that I understand. I know how frustrating and powerless it is to watch it happen to someone. How that orange the colour of the insides of a pumpkins makes you feel so frustrated that this person isn't seeing what you see. I get it. And I'll be here for you when ever you need me. I promise. I understand you now. Please believe me when I say that you are fine the way you are. More than fine. And it doesn't matter if your 20 stone or solid muscle or as thin as a tooth pick or just you, as you are perfect the way you are and you don't need to change a thing about yourself. Hand on heart.

Finding the Words

Despite the fact that I'm not alone, I just feel it. It does feel like I'm just talking to a screen and never to a person. And I'm told to change this. To talk to my friends, but we have drifted apart so much that I'm shy around them and it should be like that. And it's my own fault really. I let my self get caught up in this green emerald and silver world that I've been living in since September. Yeah, it hasn't all been good, but I've got caught up in it, like a fish in a net. 

So it's my own fault that my friends don't seem that way. I'm caught up and I'm shy of my own friends. I don't know if we still know each other like we used to and I don't know if we are close or not. I guess it's my own fault and I guess I have to put aside the feeling that I can't make it better as we don't know each other and it feels shy to approach them. 

It's a funny ol thing. Floating on a boat in the middle of a perfect blue ocean and not being able to reach the boat where everyone is partying. But then again it's peaceful. But then you know that when you make it back to shore that the party's will begin and you just don't feel comfortable to go to them. 

It kinda feels a bit like the colour of a really bold pale blue-green. When it's just that colour and another it feels comfortable. But then anywhere else with more than one colour it feels forced to make it work. And it always feels like an outsider in a group or a third wheel to a pair. It just doesn't seem fair to others to be around them. It's not fair on that colour as it's a really nice block colour but it only shines when with another colour. 

I don't even know if I can put this into words

I don't know what time this is for who ever is reading this, but for me it's almost half five in the morning. And it is so so beautiful. Just sitting here on my bike by the window looking at the world around me is making me cry. This is making me cry even more. It is the most beautiful time ever.

The dawn chorus. The smell the taste the quietness. It is beautiful. I have had the most magical night. I couldn't sleep so I began to go through youtube and found the most moving film ever. It's one I'm gonna watch with my guy. It will move him. It is just so beautiful.

And then at almost 3 the started to come up and I've watched my room grow slowly lighter and it has moved me. I've never cried at dawn before. But it's throat beautiful thing. The russel of the leaves and the chirping of the birds. The colours are so pure and the taste of the air is so fine and the smell is the best thing ever. I want to share it with my guy. It is so beautiful and so special to me.

The sky has that look about it that tells you it's gonna be a warm and beautiful day. Let's hope it doesn't change. Olly and his family will have the most amazing time at Chessington today, even if he doesn't like rollercoasters. He is so blessed to have such a strong and wonderful family who do things together. The four of them are so lucky. God bless.

It is just so beautiful. Nothing could put it into words how I'm feeling. There are no words for the sight, sounds, smell and taste of this morning. I'm gonna go for a walk and just have a wonderful day. Thank you. It's wonderful.

Wickedness and Sin

So. I don't really want to be writing this. When you are feeling so miserable that you can tell if it doesn't change soon you will be going back down that spiral of depression again. What's this? It will be the 4th maybe 5th time it will happen. Great. Can't control my excitement.

It's just the best feeling ever. You are so happy, nothing will knock you off your perch. You just wanna do everything and get on a plane to the other side of the world and live there just because you can. Bake more than you can eat. See your friends. Go out and spend loads of money on anything. And then one day it just all drops...

You feel worthless, stupid, horrible. Demons that you thought you had got rid of come back and you sit there all night just thinking and praying. You don't want to go back down that road. Life is too short to be up and down all the time. You pray and pray and pray. You go to school for a few weeks. Keep that smile on your face. Most of the time it works. You believe that you're really and truly happy again. But then you get home. And the door slams in your face. You remember that this house is not a home and that when you can you'll leave. Enough of the words and the hurt.

You log onto the computer and see what everyone's been doing. And this totally destroys you. It unravels what you put together over the past months. You thought you were better. But a thin girl loosing weight and promising to do it publicly... well that just destroys you. You can't bare to look at yourself. You know that if she is loosing weight than you have to. After all you are fat.

But the next day, you're okay. More than happy and ready to go. Life just keeps on going. Exams start. You go on study leave. You are raring to go. Bring on the exams. Wednesday turns up. Your guys there. There is only one thought in your head. You are just so happy and hyper and up for it. You love him more than anything. More than Disney. He is your world. You know it is the biggest cliché ever, but this guy is the most perfect thing in your life. When the rest of life is going badly he is there, glowing all green and beautiful ready to put a smile on your face. This guy shows you that even though there are horrible parts to everyday life you just have to keep on going as the best bits are even better!

But then you drop. You wake up on THE most important Friday so far. Three exams, all of which are incredibly important and you just wanna stay in bed and cry. You get to school. The stress and tears start. One friend is an utterly annoying poo who just makes you want to go and hide as you think that you're turning into a pessimist like him. Then you can't get a hug as one friend thinks that it's okay to stop it by opening her mouth and telling you it makes her feel sick. Great.

Then it just goes downhill. You hate your body. You look at it. It's fat. But you know its not. You just want to be thin. To see the bones because that way you feel pretty. You want to feel pretty and normal and be like the rest of your girls. Thin and pretty. But you can't do this as you know you'll fail your GCSEs. This makes you feel even worse because with every mouthful you take it feels like you are putting a pound of weight on. Like I said, you thought you were over this. You've promised yourself that you'll go back to karate on June 21st. But you need more time. You need time to get thin again and to get fit again. Time to rid yourself of this hideous body. Some how you know you'll find time. You'll do it healthily however. But you'll lose the weight you need to. And then that should be enough for prom when it comes around. A tonned, thin, muscular body. That will put them all to shame.

So. Here I am. Writing this. Writing stuff. It has made me motivated. Motivated to get arms that have muscle and legs that are tonned and thin and abs. Motivated.

Hypothetically Speaking

In a hypothetical sense, imagine this...

In yourself you don't feel right. You don't feel like you used to. Your body isn't right...You are in a group of people and there is a four a four a four a host and then there is one person who tries to get involved and seems invisible. You wanna help them but you are invisible to them. So you watch this person look alone and whenever they try to engage in a conversation with someone, you get the sense that the other person just gets annoyed at them. So they push down what they are feeing and move on...You're worried. Really worried about someone you care about. They shut you out and it feels like they don't want you to know...

You out all the effort into a friendship and nothing comes back out to you. What do you do? Give up? Keep trying? Stop caring...You say mean things to someone you care about. You hate yourself for it, but they've been ignoring you and seem fed up with you. Laugh it off and carry on. 

Now if I was a fairy godmother and this one person was feeling all of this, I'd help them in every way tto try and make them feel better. I'd use magic to show them the path they should be on. Tell them that it will all be okay. And as long as they remain a good person and try and help the people they care about and remain faithful to these people then it will be okay. But if they treat you like nothing then move on and leave it all behind. It's there loss. Not yours. 

You Know When...

You know when you hate yourself for no reasonn?
You know when you look at food at it makes you feel sick despite the fact you are really hungry and could eat anything?
You know when you just can't sleep for weeks on end?
You know when you want to cry but can't?
You know when you are just so fabulous that the rest of the world dies as they can't handle it?
You know when you get along really well with one of your parents freinds, but they don't like them?
You know when you just can't do physics?
Or maths?
Or when you feel really stupid?
Or when you just want a hug?
When you just wanna get out?
Want to have the motivation to revise?

Well be happy and fly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just Keep Smiling

Just keep smiling. No matter what life throws at you, if you can smile and assure yourself and others that it is gonna be okay, everything seems better. Just put that faded green smile on your face and keep it together. Life is always so much better with a smile.

Stop hating yourself and keep it together. Let other people need to lean on you for once. Because you can do it. You need to be there for them. You see them freaking out and you need to keep the calm. They're your friend and you have to keep them happy and safe. So smile and wave and be happy.

Coz it's all gonna be okay. It always is. Always gonna be here for y'all and it's all gonna be okie dokie. No matter what you say, it's easy to see that it's still bothering you and on your mind. You say you're gonna carry on with life, but let's be honest, you're freaking out and it's okay. I'm here for you. 

Derek

So...It's the Easter Holidays! Only a few days left now. Depressing. I don't wanna go back to school. GCSEs. Erg! But this holiday has been AWESOME! Seen ma girls, ma guy and that dude who just happens to be my friend. We had lots of fun. And now down to work. Meh.

But... Derek Landy ha released the book title for book 9. I had to take a few hours to calm down. I reckon Valkyrie will die. I love Val, she is amazing. She inspired me to get fit and be a ninja! She is everything I'd love to be! Cool, hot, muscular and she has MAGIC! MAGIC! It's AMAZING! And her evil side Darquesse is also beautiful! There's this one scene in "Kingdom of The Wicked" where she is describing re-attaching her own head to her body! How cool would it be to be able to do that? AMAZING! You'd never die if you were a powerful magic person! I'd love to be Darquesse (secretly I idolise her almost as much as Ariel), but then she is going to destroy the world...

So any way, Derek Landy's blog post... READ IT. READ THE BOOKS! THEY'RE AMAZING! http://dereklandy.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/the-year-of-requiem.html Seriously, I can't believe that the book series I've been reading is finishing on August 28th. That day I'll be running to Waterstones and fighting the small children that are too young to be reading the books off of them because it is MINE! MINE! MINE!

They're the best book series ever and if it is ever turned into a movie I'd hang myself with the pages of the books! You cannot destroy such a beautiful story by a low budget movie with terrible CGI. Seriously a walking talking skeleton and so many awesome creature! The Torment and the spiders. How would you create loads of giant spiders? And the hollow men? And the vampires? It just wouldn't work! And then you'd get all those people who are like "I love Skulduggery Pleasant so much, It's such a good movie. Derek Landy is amazing", when they are not true minions. They haven't gone through the heart brake, the sorrow, the torture, the wait, the fantasies, the pain, the torment, the excitement, the love, the sleepless nights. They would not be true fans.

I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Corridors

Life is like one massive corridor. It's stretched out in front of you in one long path. And then there are doors all along it that are the choices you can make and then those doors lead to more corridors with more doors and then at the end of your life you reach that door at the very end of the corridor with that golden glow around it. This door will either lead you to heaven or to hell depending on the choices that you made earlier on in life.

It would be so simple if God mapped out the best path for us with all or relationships and choices marked out and then we would know the best way to go forward in life. But, instead, we are constantly deliberating at each door we pass that matters to us. This makes it hard for us to know what to do and to know what is right. So we pray. We ask for guidance and we ask for a little bit of help.

It is our own fault after all. We have free will. We abuse it. We make the choices and therefore we are responsible for our mistakes. And then we really regret them. We regret them more than anything. We regret being blinded and we regret not following a dream for the sake of someone else. We regret not making the best choice for us, but making a choice to please others. Just think of all the possibilities that you could have had. But you no longer have them. It makes you sad.

At the time something seems so perfect and brilliant and you think that it doesn't matter. But then one day you wake up and realise how blind you were. How you should have taken the next door or gone back down the corridor to see if the other doors will still open for you. But this is what makes us human, our mistakes. But then again, we might not know that they are mistakes. Nevertheless, we learn from these mistakes and learn not to sacrifice a dream for something that has not happened yet.

So, stop dwelling on it and make up your mind. Do I go through this door or do I keep on going?

Some days...

Some days you can't help but hate yourself. Hate everything about yourself. From your head to your toes. You hate how you are, how you look, how you think that others see you. And you hide it. And today is one of those days.

You hate your body. From the fat you see in the mirror to the fat that you feel on your body. You hate your stomach. You hate the way it is fat and horrible. You hate your legs. You hate how fat they are. How fat your calves are. How fat your thighs are. How you feel the fat on your thighs. You hate how fat your arms are. How fat your neck is. But most of all you hate how fat your legs are. The rest comes off with the legs. You hate how fat you are.

So ya know. One of those days where you just hate everything about yourself.

Hmmmm Bananas

Oh I could be oh so poetic about this. I could write it in a poetic way. And it would be boring then. Who wants life to be one big long interpretation? Nobody! That's for sure! Well, sating that... some people might like to interpret things.

So, food. Food is essential to life and in a way that really does suck. I don't like a lot of food and if I had the choice I would go without. I still struggle with food. I want to go back to this safety net of 900 calories, which I know is really bad for me. I still find it really hard to eat a lot of foods and I still find it hard to eat out in public places. I can't eat a sandwich in school. Sounds stupid, but I just can't do it.

It's been playing on my mind a lot recently. Will this ever go away? Will I ever have a normal relationship with food? I'm still scared to put dairy in my mouth, which makes breakfast hard. But I've just had to accept that it is something I'm going to live with till I get over it. I can't bring myself to eat rice. I can just about manage the smallest amount of potato. I can do a mouthful of something like cake or chocolate. But then I feel so incredibly guilty and I have to exercise.

The thoughts of guilt and shamefulness still plague my mind. The little voice in the back of my mind. Always there. But I've learnt not to listen to it. I am perfectly okay. And you shouldn't let food control your life.

Body image is still something I struggle with. But then again who doesn't? Blame society and media stereotypes for that one.

I'm really anxious about this weekend mind. It's a DofE hike thing. And there is a whole list of foods there that I'm scared to eat, I can't eat and I don't like. And then there is the fact that it is outside. And the fact that there is no way to control the bacteria and the pressure to eat because we would have been hiking. The pressure to eat enough to keep everyone else safe. The pressure to eat so that it stops mother and my lovely guy from worrying. The pressure to eat so that others feel safe around me. But what if I can't? What if I'm just not hungry? What if I don't eat enough? What if I can't put the rice or the chocolate or the cheese in my mouth? What if it's a bad day? If it's a bad day at home I just find something that I can eat and I take my time over it. But I can't do that in a field. A bad day at home takes me a while to eat but I get around to it and I eat when I'm comfortable to. I used to be so scared I'd cry and shake and hate myself. They've never seen that. What if I can't do it? What if they see that? How would they take it? I don't think they'd understand. They've never been put in that situation before. Not inside their own head. I don't know if it's going to be okay. To tell the truth, I'm scared.

But what will be, will be. Oh gosh. Never mind. Life trundles on. It's just 2 days.

Josh Turner

So, yeah, I admit it... I am an obsessive person! But who isn't? If there is something that you love and is just so amazing then why not listen to it on repeat for months on end?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlOjsJ4pCDY

Josh Turner is a country singer from America and his voice is just so unbelievable! It is magical! It is a creamy purple. And then the low gruff parts he sings is in a fluffy dark blue. The main part of his voice is the colour of an off set cream fabric colour. It is really lovely. So sweet and soulful and honest. Its still got that odd custardy colour in it. But the off set cream is more prominent. And then you have a dark purple, a bit like the colour of the rose in my picture, but it has had nail varnish remover dropped over it and the purple has faded out all over the cream and only the purple has run creating this stained tie-dye effect. The blue is like a dark jeans blue shade and it looks like it has been dunked in cotton wool and the colour has rubbed off on it.

Seriously, this mans voice is so beautiful! It's a sexy mish mash.. Its one of the few voices that I could listen to all day. He has a handsome voice. It just has that safe tone to it. And the way it just wraps it around you in a sexy kinda way. So beautiful!

So anyway, it's a lovely voice!

L.O.V.E

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love! Amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore!
Amor, amor, amor, amor, amor. amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor!

Love is a brilliant thing. There is something that everyone has in their life that they love. Whether it be a toy, book, poem, memory or person ext. But there is something. Even the most depressed person has something that they love.

I love lots of things! I love Derek Landy's Skulduggery Pleasant, my gosh do I want him to write the last book quickly... so sad it is the last one, my dear Darquess and Valkyrie! And my darling Vile! My lover Skulduggery! My babies Scapegrace, Gerald and Clarabella. And my puppy Desmod (there is definitely something more to him!) and finaly my beautiful China! My Darquess and Valkyrie... Oh my darling girl!

I also love music. Shush shush. And then there is the night! Oh my lady, the night! Such a beautiful thing! And I do love my friends! And I love my boy! He is just so handsome! I love my teddy bears and Disney! Oh Disney! You wonderful thing!

If the world was full of love and people could accept differences in people and just learn to get along then there would be no war! No unnecessary deaths! But unfortunately that is not so. People will always hate (I know I hate), and people will always be prejudice. And it sucks! But its something that has been engraved into our system since we were very little. I don't think that hate and discrimination is a part of human nature but the stories we had when we were all little people and upbringing of everyone has indoctrinated everyone into believing that it is a part of human nature! Again, that sucks!

Knowing You Can't Have It.

I've worked out what's making me unhappy and making me think a lot and doubt a lot. And I know that I have a lot of work to do until it's fully okay. Coz I wanna get back on a 900 calorie diet even though I know that it will kill me, ruin everything that I've worked through and achieved. So I won't. But at least now I know that it's bothering me.

Late Night Thinking

So the beauty of sleep doth seem to evade me tonight. Mean, I know. But it's probably inevitable. I'm thinking. It's a dangerous thing for me to do. But when I start thinking I can't stop. I've been thinking about this same thing for a few days now... we could all do with a good chat now and again. A chat with one of ma girls would be awesome.

We had Famayzel day the other weekend. It was awesome. I loved spending time with ma girls. Well, two of em. It was awesome! We made pasta and made a den and there was a thunder and lightning storm and snoring and laughing. It was so much fun!

I need a good old chat. I love talking. It's fun. It is an important part of my life. Talking through things always seems to make them better or give a clearer understanding. That would be great. I doubt know if it's just me worrying or if it's reality. Sometimes it's hard to tell what's real and what's not. It's not like watching TV and sitting in a room with people Anglo are talking. A TV voice has the texture of a photo taken on a bad quality phone camera. All grainy and bubble like.

But it's hard to tell if a worry is just in your head or if it is real. Is this going to happen? Are you feeling this? Is it just me? Am I making up? Do you think this? Is what you say true? Am I being stupid?

On to lighter ramblings... big party tomorrow. It's not mine. I can't stand crowds of more than 10 people in an outdoors place. That's why at school intend to move around and away from the big crowds or groups. I don't like it. But this party is lots and lots of people. The majority I don't know or particularly like. Ahhh well, I'm gonna throw myself at the dance floor and just escape in the music.

It's gonna be the first time my mates have ever seen me properly engaged with the music. The rest of the world disappears and then it's just me. Yeah, I can't dance, but I can have a good time. Just like that wonderful day...

November 21st 2013 it was an awesome day. The guy I love and my fave music all coming together in a smush of violet. Isn't that awesome.

Ya know, I can't help but feel mean when it comes to him. Meh, that's something I'm gonna talk to him about. I love talking to him. He is one beautifully handsome being. Ahhh well. Life goes on people.

Life just Carey's on and leaves you running after it. And then ya catch up. And then it runs off without you again. The whore, but hey, life rocks really.

Happy Belated Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day! I know it's late but I've been busy.

Happy Valentine's Day to my girls and guys! You guys are awesome! Love every single one of you! Kisses and hugs! Xxx

Happy Valentine's Day to my handsome boyfriend! I love you most! Thanks for an awesome day yesterday! The presents are adorable, like you! The Lego Movie was amazing as are you! Thank you for always being there and I'm always gonna be there for you babe! Love you mosterest!!!!!!! Xxxx

Mocks

Yay! Mocks! Woop Woop! The weeks are blurring together. Everyone is stressed, tired and completely out of it. That's what GCSEs do.

Seriously, the education system is messed up. We are making decisions that are going to dictate the rest of our life at 14 and sitting the exams at 16. Seriously, which bright spark thought that it was a good idea to make sleepy, moody and emotional people make such massive decisions? It has no logic...

But anyway, the mocks are nearly over! Yaya! And then we have the real things! I'm really looking forward to them if I'm honest! I love studying, learning and creating the revision pages! It's so fun... even the Latin!

But squashing the mocks into two weeks was not a good idea. Everyone looks tired as a tired monster who just wants to sleep. It does feel like there are two hocks under my eyes and are pulling them closed. Its ridonkulous. Everyone is on edge and dog tired and so touchy!

No joke, you can't even have a joke without someone biting the others head off because everyone is so tired and stressed. But ma friendship groups are so strong that we all know its just stress and tiredness and general "AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG"ness.

But, the best thing about the mocks is enjoying the exam and the countless Disney movies I get to watch to unwind! I <3 Disney! OOOooooo look at that, "text talk"... you should be proud!

Call Me A Heartless Bitch...

Call me a heartless bitch why don't you. They all do it. If anything it's motivation. Motivation to get out. To prove everyone who has ever doubted me wrong. To achieve my dreams. But it's motivation never the less.

So it's come to the point in our lives when we have to choose a place to take A levels. Most of my friends are going to grammar school or a private school. I do want to go to one. I do. It's been a dream since I was about 9, but I didn't apply to any.

I did this for several reasons. I didn't like the atmosphere or the uniform. I wouldn't fit in. I wouldn't have the self confidence that I want. And there would be no self motivation to do well. None at all. So that's why I'm going to the college where the majority of the pupils go. To have the motivation. To be with a group made up of a fair few of the most amazing people I know. But to have the self motivation and determination and work ethic to get me into an excellent uni and to get through med school. Because it's my dream and I am not going to give up on it no matter how much people will put you down.

I'm not changing for anyone. So if I cold bitch is what I'm like to you, well deal with it. If you wonder why I find it hard to be in the same room as you when your like that, then maybe you should look at your actions and stop taking it out on me. If my views conflict with yours, well stop and think and let me have an opinion. Stop lying and being rude. Stop taking it out on me. Because one day I'm going to be a doctor and prove you three wrong!!

Request

So this one is more of a request. I'm sorry if it's not what you expected or you don't like it, but I'm not going to lie on something that plays a part in my life. So, hope you understand or enjoy!

Take the colour orange. Dim it down to a darker, less vibrant shade. Then take the light shading of 'cryola' light brown pencil then mix the two together. A light, dark number Brown sorta colour. To me orange is always gonna have anger to its name. And it's not hard to see that there us anger in you. But you cover it up with layers upon layers of ochre yellow and a burgundyish red. Ochre means that when you are troubled, you bury it and try to solve what others are going through. Although this is not a bad thing, one can't but help think that maybe onlooker faced what was troubling them as opposed to burying it, then maybe there would be no need to hide who you are. The burgundy in this instance, because it is not actually burgundy but I can't find the words, means good intention but reserved. A bit like the number 7. But I think that you struggle to let this colour shine through.

I may be completely wrong, but there is orange in your voice. I don't think you know that it is their. The first time I ever properly took notice of your voice the orange was scary. I think that there is something going on and your not taking notice of it.

I wish the burgundyish colour in your voice was given more of a chance as it could be something that properly reflects you, but it's mixed in with so many more clues that it is nit given the chance. This is not something that anyone can really help with as you have to let the colours shine through in their own time and way. But you can help.

There are some nice colours there, but they're just masked with a lot of other things and it takes some searching to find it. You'd need to deconstruct the colours there to get the right one. And when I did that. I saw it and it fitted. But there is a lot going on there.

Starlight!

There is something about looking up at the night sky and seeing all the stars smiling (or frowning) back down at you! It is beautiful but at the same time makes you feel completely and utterly worthless! The way that they make the sky seem a deep, deep, rich velvety navy-royal blue! They just bring out the colour of the sky!

Then the night air tastes and smells so different to the normal air in the day! It tastes and smells crisper and fresher and cleaner! Then with the stars it tastes like a cascade of raining diamonds in a grey light! Flickers of light just falling down and shimmering and shining in every direction!

And if you sit in the middle of a field with a fire gently crackling in burgundy flecks and the grass damp beneath your blanket and a cup of tea by the fire and lie down and just look at the sky, you can hear the most beautiful music. Its so quite and the colours and shapes of all the little noises create an orchestra in your vision...

The burgundy flecks of the fire is the harp playing so softly. The gentile hum of all the insects are the violins and violas in an orange buzz. The occasional pass of a car goes by in a fizz of haribo and is the drum. The owl is the piano in a shower of blues and purples and greens. The rustle of the leaves is the collection of clarinets, oboes and bassoons in a wisp of  yellows and mellow greens and blues. The taste of the air creates the flutes. And the quiet sound of your breathing creates the royal red of the cello. Finally the stars create the deep, deep, rich, velvety navy-royal blue of the Bass...

BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds mad, but that's just me!