New Year, Total Bull!

New Year means different things for different people. But most commonly and the most associated is a new start, broken and empty promises to yourself and a different out look on life. It's total bull.

Last year, I swore I would change. But who am I kidding? I haven't changed. I'm still me. Maybe a more miserable and pessimistic me who hates most people. But I'm still the pathetic person that I have always been. I still don't have a clear idea of what I want to do with my life. Nothing important has changed.

So all the promises you make to your self are empty and a load of bull. Will you really loose weight? Go to the gym? Or what ever you want to do. You won't. Because you make a change when you are ready to. Not when a calender tells you to. So go drink your face off and disappoint yourself.

That's Why

The drinking started today at about 10. It wont stop until The day after new years eve. Work included. Now you understand. The controlling alcoholics and me. It's not just y dad, but my mum and brother. Sooooo...

Funny That

Funny that revision made me me and that when I stopped just now, it all came back down again. Funny that I can't find a middle ground. Not funny but annoying. I'll get there, That's what I do.

There is a tired face looking back at me. Something is telling me that it's mine. But the face looks tired and broken and upset and tired. I'm so tired. And stressed and tired. I can't cope with it. There's no rock or anyone. Maybe I should stop. Or go. Or just give in. Who knows. Time will tell.

If

If I walked off a cliff
or walked in front of car
would you notice I was gone.
Would you notice I was gone.
If I stopped showing up
or stopped coming in
would you care where I'd gone
would you know where I'd gone

Ifs just a possibility
filled with so much uncertainty
would you notice if I stayed
would you notice if I went away.
If I went away.

If I made a noose tonight
if I died and went away
would you know i was gone
would you know i was gone
If I drowned tonight
if I swallowed 200 pills
would you know I was gone
would you care that I'd gone

  Ifs just a possibility
filled with so much uncertainty
would you notice if I stayed
would you notice if I went away.
If I went away.

If i went away
or if i stayed
would you notice a differance
I think i know the answer
so if i stay or go
you wouldn't even know I've gone away.

Men

The day a man keeps his promise, doesn't let me down, doesn't break my trust is the day I eat my hat. Until then, I hate most men I know. Oh and don't flatter yourself "darling", it's not all about you

Polar Bears

So, polar bears. What's with them? They're white and cute and deadly and also a funny representation for life. Such a cute thing is so deadly and dangerous. It appears to be one thing, but it's not. How cute they appear is really just hiding how deadly and dangerous they are.

The word polar bear also reminds me of the word bipolar. Funny that. I mean not really. Bipolar disorder is something that my friends have thought that I've got for a while. And it looks like they're right. At least that's what the doctor says. Personally, I just see it as me. But then I can also see how it's like a polar bear. From the distance its all okay, but when you get to know me and spend time with me, its a dangerous thing.

I guess I see the point. The sex, the hyperactivity, the wild dreams, the spontaneous actions. Once I decided to walk along a busy dangerous part of the A21 just because it was the quickest way somewhere. Another time I spent £400 on Disney because it made me so excited and I just had to have it. When I was with my boyfriend, I longed for him to be as close to me as possible. I want to jump of a high place just to see if I'll die. I picture it in the 3rd person. Odd that. I feel so low that I won't eat for weeks. I slip back into my anorexic habits. I don't want to do anything. I hate getting up. I hate sleeping. I can't sleep. I'm too awake. I'm depressed for ages. I'm in love. Heartbroken. Not needing anyone around. Feeling isolated. Paranoia. Not caring. Loving life. Hating life. Depression. Depression. Depression. Depression. Depression. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hurting. Wonderful.

I was wonderful until then. Now I'm not. Apparently things like that can trigger it. Or make the condition noticeable, or something like that. I wasn't listening. I was sitting there in disbelief. Sitting there being angry or just simply not listening. Picturing me playing the cello and practising none stop pouring my soul into this human that sings with a voice better than anyone else. It is so beautiful. And I've only just started to learn and yet it already feels like my soul mate.

I hate being like this. Up and down all the time. I'm angry at myself for letting a breakup effect me so much. For giving me the label. I'm angry for letting it show. If it hadn't have shown maybe I'd still be ignorant  to what had happened. I would be over it because the hyperactivity would have protected me. But the sadness can get heavy. So this is me. Bipolar. Crazy. Insane, Not good enough. Second place. Bipolar. Label. Used. Unhappy. Great. Determined. Alone. Bipolar. Out of control. Polar bear. It would be so easy to walk under a bus or tie a noose. Polar bear.