Depression is a word which is thrown around loosely. Feeling sad is extremely different to feeling depressed.
Sadness is a light grey-blue. Like the colour of a spring sky that is covered by a light blanket of rain clouds. Sadness is lukewarm and its shape has fluffy edges.
Depression, on the other hand, is a dark, dark grey with an obvious pink tinge when you look for it. The pink is a slightly brighter, more pink shade of pink that you get in a summer sun set. Pink means pain. Nothing changes that fact. And the greys are always going to be in the bottom half of the spectrum.
So, why am I writing about depression? For me, it has played an enormous part in my life for the past three years. And it made me hate this gift so much that I would have done anything to get rid of it. And the sad part is: over the past three years, I have tried to kill myself so many times. Just to get rid of the colours.
The fog of depression hung over me for such a long time, I began to truly hate everything about me and I wished to be normal or dead. Preferably dead.
Hiding these feelings from the people around me was always challenging. I'm not going to lie and say that they were with me solidly. I'd go through such incredible highs and then I'd dive into a spiralling low. This was what made it challenging.
It was easiest to show the high all the time. That way people wouldn't know what was going on inside. The biggest and most obvious flaw was the fact that when I didn't have the energy to up hold the façade, or I simply couldn't be bothered; people would notice it because it was so incredibly 'out of character'.
Recently, I've been in the worst spiral of depression yet. It started in mid November.
During this time, I tried to kill myself several times and I am not proud of that fact, but I am so incredibly thankful that I failed.
The last four months have most positively been the worst. It became apparent to me that not everyone sees the colours that I do, and that yes, it's not 'normal' but it is a truly amazing thing to have. The people closest to me began to know about the colours. And their support and loyalty was so fantastic; I would not be here without them. Literally!
The support and loyalty they showed me gave me a new colour: Hope.
Hope is a beautiful, deep, rich indigo- slightly heavier on the purple side. Its warm and like an old favourite jumper that you wear on cold, snowy evenings whilst sitting in bed with your favourite book in the world and a hot chocolate. The feeling of it is so warm and perfect that you don't want it to ever fade. It is truly magical.
But even now, and even on the fabulous days, my mind is constantly fighting with itself. I want to die. I want to feel the beautiful turquoise feeling of starvation. I want to cover myself in the bright, hot pink colour of pain as I watch my blood run. But I also want to live and see everyone grow into fantastical humans. I want to be a world class athlete. I don't want the scars.
This is the down side to the colours: Sometimes the most beautiful colours are the ones that you can't have because they are dangerous to you. The turquoise of starvation is the third most beautiful colour I have ever seen, and yet nobody quotes understand that the months I spend starving myself are just to see the colour and are in the vain hope that the colour will stay with me if I get to a point where my body is constantly feeling the turquoise. And it's no secret that what I see in the mirror is a whole load of weight that can be lost.
The constant internal bickering between the two sides in my head won't go away. This fight won't end any time soon. It is going to stay with me for the rest of my life. It is part of me. The colours. The highs. The lows. The conflicting halves of my mind will never go.
Without being able to physically see hope, I honestly don't think I'd be here. I have the most fantastic mates in the world who made me see how lucky I am, and showed me that life is a truly marvellous thing!!
Thank you!!
Friday 30 August 2013
Telephones
When I talk to someone on the phone, the colour of their voice changes. It's that simple. I'll give you an example.
You remember my friend from Hearing Colours, well whenever we talk on the phone, the colour of his voice changes.
The green gets darker. It changes to a similar shade of a holly leaf, but it's lighter. Not quite so green. There is a touch of blue in there too. The blues a kinda naveyish blue. Kind of like the blue glaze you quite often see on china. That dark, beautiful blue.
His voice becomes more spaced out and less solid. Think about it as if it is glitter. You throw the pot of glitter into the air and the individual pieces if glitter always spread out and get everywhere. It spreads out and has that sense that it is spaced out.
The colours mean the same sort of thing. The green is calm and kind still. But the blue relaxes it. The blue makes it more chilled and relaxed. His voice doesn't really need the blue because he is such a relaxed person. If he became any more relaxed; his heart may stop. But the blue in his voice is a nice touch. It makes him just warm, friendly and safe as he is in real life.
You remember my friend from Hearing Colours, well whenever we talk on the phone, the colour of his voice changes.
The green gets darker. It changes to a similar shade of a holly leaf, but it's lighter. Not quite so green. There is a touch of blue in there too. The blues a kinda naveyish blue. Kind of like the blue glaze you quite often see on china. That dark, beautiful blue.
His voice becomes more spaced out and less solid. Think about it as if it is glitter. You throw the pot of glitter into the air and the individual pieces if glitter always spread out and get everywhere. It spreads out and has that sense that it is spaced out.
The colours mean the same sort of thing. The green is calm and kind still. But the blue relaxes it. The blue makes it more chilled and relaxed. His voice doesn't really need the blue because he is such a relaxed person. If he became any more relaxed; his heart may stop. But the blue in his voice is a nice touch. It makes him just warm, friendly and safe as he is in real life.
Thursday 29 August 2013
A Girl With a Voice of Gold
So, one of my closest mates has an expensive voice. This first made me dislike her because.it seemed as if she was more important than everyone and it was almost as if she was aware of it.
But, I couldn't have been more wrong!
Her voice is the colour of that gold leaf you can buy to put on Christmas cards. And it always comes of with those mini holes in them. Except that in her voice they are filled with a bright limish-fresh grass green. It's beautiful but looks like an expensive piece of jewellery. It shines and shimmers. It's a thing of beauty.
The gold means compassion. It's a gift. Everything has compassion, but gold has so much it fills every action with it. It looks expensive, but doesn't mean that it is. It means it's compassionate and full of ambition to try and be the best that it can possibly be. To shine into every corner of the room. It's a beautiful thing to have.
Green always means kind and peaceful. But this shade of green means loyal as well. It's a loyal colour to have by your side, and it will do anything to protect another. It's kindness always puts itself last in the list because it's so loyal it feels like it has a duty to others to make them happy before them self. It couples fantastically with the gold because the ambition of the gold ensures that the green gets what it wants as it can achieve anything!
So, that's one of my best mates voices. She is utterly fantastic and impressive. I don't know if she'll agree with the attributes of her voice, I most definitely do, and so do others. Her voice wouldn't suit her any other colour.
But, I couldn't have been more wrong!
Her voice is the colour of that gold leaf you can buy to put on Christmas cards. And it always comes of with those mini holes in them. Except that in her voice they are filled with a bright limish-fresh grass green. It's beautiful but looks like an expensive piece of jewellery. It shines and shimmers. It's a thing of beauty.
The gold means compassion. It's a gift. Everything has compassion, but gold has so much it fills every action with it. It looks expensive, but doesn't mean that it is. It means it's compassionate and full of ambition to try and be the best that it can possibly be. To shine into every corner of the room. It's a beautiful thing to have.
Green always means kind and peaceful. But this shade of green means loyal as well. It's a loyal colour to have by your side, and it will do anything to protect another. It's kindness always puts itself last in the list because it's so loyal it feels like it has a duty to others to make them happy before them self. It couples fantastically with the gold because the ambition of the gold ensures that the green gets what it wants as it can achieve anything!
So, that's one of my best mates voices. She is utterly fantastic and impressive. I don't know if she'll agree with the attributes of her voice, I most definitely do, and so do others. Her voice wouldn't suit her any other colour.
Wednesday 28 August 2013
Reflecting a Personality
To me, I find that the colour of a person's voice, can often reflect their personality. If the colour means something similar to the person's personality, it generally matches perfectly.
This applies to somebody I know. The colour of their voice is a reddish-brown. It's not a woody Brown, but more the colour of a cheap pencil when they try to make a reddish-brown. It's like the colour is trying to be something it's not. It tries to be grander, more elaborate, more warm and likeable. When really, it's shy and if it gave itself a chance, it would be able to see that it's accepted for being who it is. It would see that it's perfectly okay to be quite and there is no need to be overly dramatic all the time.
Before I got to know this person, I tried not to base my judgment on the colour of their voice. But as I got to know him it was a little more obvious that he was just like like his voice. He feels like he has to over compensate everything and been dramatic because he thinks nobody likes him for who he is. But if he gave himself a chance to be himself, I think he'd find that we'd all like him a bit more and be more tolerant of him because there would not be this grand, elaborate show all the time.
But just like the reddish-brown colour, he won't change. It shows to me that the colour of someone's voice is like their personality. A caring person will have some sort of green hue in their voice, an unreliable person will have a reddish-orange hue and a compassionate person will have a violet hue to match the colour of love.
But, this connection between the colour of a voice and a person's personality was made clearer to me by someone who simply took the time to talk about it. It made me think and this person made the connection more apparent. So thank you.
This applies to somebody I know. The colour of their voice is a reddish-brown. It's not a woody Brown, but more the colour of a cheap pencil when they try to make a reddish-brown. It's like the colour is trying to be something it's not. It tries to be grander, more elaborate, more warm and likeable. When really, it's shy and if it gave itself a chance, it would be able to see that it's accepted for being who it is. It would see that it's perfectly okay to be quite and there is no need to be overly dramatic all the time.
Before I got to know this person, I tried not to base my judgment on the colour of their voice. But as I got to know him it was a little more obvious that he was just like like his voice. He feels like he has to over compensate everything and been dramatic because he thinks nobody likes him for who he is. But if he gave himself a chance to be himself, I think he'd find that we'd all like him a bit more and be more tolerant of him because there would not be this grand, elaborate show all the time.
But just like the reddish-brown colour, he won't change. It shows to me that the colour of someone's voice is like their personality. A caring person will have some sort of green hue in their voice, an unreliable person will have a reddish-orange hue and a compassionate person will have a violet hue to match the colour of love.
But, this connection between the colour of a voice and a person's personality was made clearer to me by someone who simply took the time to talk about it. It made me think and this person made the connection more apparent. So thank you.
Monday 26 August 2013
A Unique Voice
One of my mates has a very unique voice. And the colours to go with it are just as extraordinary.
His voice is a mix between a red and a purple. They swirl together but never blend. It's almost like a spiral of the two colours.
The red is not a bright, rich, royal red. But instead it's more of a light red but it's deep in its colour at the same time. You could even say there is a hint of brown in the red, but it only muted the shade slightly.
The purple is a rich crushed velvet sort of purple. It's bright and shines. It's the colour that you would imagine a royal to wear. It's rare and beautiful. It could be tacky if you put the colour by itself, but the red sits beside it beautifully and shows just how unique the two are. It is really rather beautiful.
Thursday 22 August 2013
Hearing Colour
My mate was talking to me the other day, and he said he'd love to be able to see the colours I see. They are beautiful colours, but do get annoying. Some days I love them, other days I want them to go away. But this mate, he made me realise just how lucky I am. And it sounds silly, but I'm always going to be in his debt for that!!
My mates voice is this shade of green that is so magical and rare. It looks like the colour of Hazel leaves when it's been raining and the setting sun shines in them through the trees. It's such a rare magical shade that you fall in love with it instantly. It's so pure and fresh. There is nothing quite like it!!
When he speaks to me in Spanish, the shade if green changes. It turns into this odd mix of a sort of teal and olive green which then gets mixed with white. It's strangely beautiful!!
I also see music in all these amazing colours and shapes. It can be overwhelming as there can be so many colours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl-c1E4vmpw
To me when Alela sings her voice is this dark greeny-blue shade that has the texture of a woolen scarf and feels like that scarf is being wrapped around your shoulders. When the lower voice joins in there is this underlyer of a deep but bright indigo colour that is more purple than blue. Then underneath there is the green curvy lines of the guitar that spiral in the deep black background that makes all the other colours stand out. Then the faint light blue- almost baby blue- blurred shapes are bouncing in and out with the clapping.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)