Such A Good Day I'm Crying

So, it has been the most amazing day ever! I have the most amazingly fantastic friends in the whole wide world and most definitely in the entire of existance! They make me so happy and every day with them is so beautiful! I love everyone of them!

It has been such a good day with ma girls. And the two guys. But it was lovely to see my close group of girls again. Those girls are the most amazing, funny, clever, lovely and beautiful girls you will ever come across. They are all so talented whether it be academically or musically or creatively. They are the most talented six girls you will ever meet or know of! One of them drew these amazingly stunning pictures of Disney characters for me. They are so good. I love it with all my heart. And another is so clever that she is so going to get that scholarship she wants and she is going to Japan! She got selected from thousands of people to go! WOW! She is so lovely. They all are! I love everyone one of you more than life itself! Thank you!

And the two guys who are always there. I love the pair of them so much! They are like two fantastic people! They are two fantabulous people. And sometimes I think I don't deserve friends like them. Words can't explain how great they are. They are two of the most talented people I know. I'll kill you if you dare disagree with me! They are funny, clever, stupid, goofy and two of the most genuine people alive on this planet! Despite ones walrusness and the others ridiculous self doubt I love them as much as my girls. Six/eight months ago I barely knew them and now... now they are there and so kindly made me a part of their group. Ones even got one of my best girls. Be nice to her. I love these guys so much.

I have had the best few days. I don't want today to end. I got home today and cried with happiness. The green I feel inside is so beautiful. It feels like it is about to burst out and engulf the world in a beautiful blueish green turquoise. It's beautiful. But it's not even that colour. It's like someone has shattered and emerald into thousands of beautiful green shards and mixed it with this beautiful shade of turquoise that's not really turquoise. It is just b so beautiful. I don't know why I'm crying.

Seriously the memories I'm going to have from today are going to be so green. I want to patchwork them into some sort of mental blanket and have it forever! I have never been so happy. Ever. I don't think happiness has ever made me cry. Only a group of mad people do that to you. And they are the best people in the whole world. How can people turn their backs on guys and girls like those people? I just don't understand. They are the most amazing people to ever walk the earth! I love you all so much!!

Where Is The Storm!?

Where is this storm that everyone is making a big hoohaa about? I don't see it? It's annoying! I had to rearrange plans today because of this bloody storm. And where is it? Not here? How inconvenient and annoying!

I was discussing earlier with a small ninja friend, who I had to cancel plans with, that the storm probably has a sense of humour. It's either going to rock up when we least expect and the drama that everyone has made about it has passed. Ironic or what. Or the storm is going to be pathetic and its going to rain a bit and be just a little windy. Maybe a twig will fall of the tree. Who knows?

But seriously. Bored of waiting and watching back to back movies and bad TV shows. Where is this storm that is supposed to cause chaos? Bored now. Hahaha. Today I watched  the sin of all TV: 'The X-factor' and then five episodes of 'Halloween Wars', man it is bad but the sculptures out of cake and chocolate and pumpkins are amazing. And now I'm watching 'Casper' It's bad but so strange.

Colours Of The Wind

Disney's 'Pocahontas'. See, Disney does actually have a reference to everything even if they don't know it. So next time someone dares to criticize it, just remember your whole childhood and you child's childhood will be based on it. A fair number of classic stories come from Disney and they have made classics unique. So don't even begin to criticize. You will be hunted down and killed. 

But I was struggling for a name for this post, and low and behold, whilst listening to six hours of Disney music (because I'm awesome), the perfect song came on! Genius really. So, there is a storm coming. And that means lots of wind and rain. I love the rain. Go read about it. But the wind is also quite awesome. Well... discounting the hair going everywhere and the skirts blowing up flashing everyone and the umbrellas turning inside out. But it is mostly good. Apart from the tornadoes and hurricanes and cyclones. But hey. That's life for you. 

But in my room there is a chimney. It's unblocked and theoretically I could have a fire in it. But to be honest, I'd probably end up setting fire to the mass collection of books I have and probably my bed as well. The bed wouldn't bother me. But the books. Man, some serious murder might take place. You take my books, you take my soul. Or at least a portion of it. 

But when the wind is strong it is really loud in my room because it comes down the chimney in a paint stroke of blue and red. It just sweeps down the chimney like a wrong way round chimney sweep. 'Mary Poppins' another Disney movie! It makes chimney sweeps cool. 

The blue is a sort of acrylic looking dark blue. But like it has had black mixed in to make that cheep home made darker blue. It's a muted shade. Not as bright as you would expect it to be. It is quite blue nevertheless. The red is the shade of red you get when you mix it with a tiny bit of blue poster paint when you are a small, creative child. It's not purple but it is still red.  It's shiny but at the same time a muted shade. Imagine the shade and then put a layer of PVA glue on it and leave it to dry to make it shiny.

The paint strokes are individual lines that follow in the same direction but there are clumps of lines in different thicknesses. And some clumps start in different places and may be more splodgy than others. It looks like a paint stroke when there is a little paint left and you are trying to get the last of the paint used up. 

So yeah. That is what I am expecting to see in the up coming twenty-four hours. It should be fun.

Song Of Good Hope

Ironically that's a song title. It's a fairly good song in my opinion. All Glen Hansard and that. But ya know. It's been one of those days where everything has been a pile of poop. It started of unexpectedly and went downhill from there.

Feel like giving up and giving in. If you try so hard but nothing happens, why try at all? It just makes you unhappy. I swear to the warriors of Zeus or something, if I get depressed again I will become a mass murder. No joke. But the way life is going, be prepared people to be murdered.

But I'm not giving up, no. More song lyrics there for you. Erg. Why must everything be so difficult? Why can't life go in a nice smooth line, all flowy and nice. It's like fate. Fate is a line drawn in the sand. It depends on the tide of life as to how much it changes. Ahh I love metaphors.

Well this is a short post... meh... not a lot to say right now and purely posting to waste time and make time go more quickly. Someone else needs to start a blog and give me something to read as I'm bored. So blog munchkins. Blog blog blog.

This May Have Ruined My Childhood

http://uk.movies.yahoo.com/photos/disney-10-weird-things-you-might-not-know-slideshow/

And being told that Walt Disney was a Nazi. Why must people insist on ruining Disney? Why? And it has depressed me that his head was not frozen. Disney is a genius. Seriously, I wake up and check the news and find that strange article.

Call Me Crazy, But...

Call me crazy, but the colours are dancing like a party! It is awesome! They are so much brighter and just seem to be dancing as if there is music in my head. Upbeat, get up and dance, party music. It is awesome!

It's like the yo-yo has gone up and is staying on a high. Woo! Party! Loving life! So many plans and thoughts just buzzing through my mind. I could plan out my future in the next five minutes where it would usually take a week or two normally on one of these awesome high moods.

I will go to college, take the IB or four/five A-levels. The IB options I would take would be Spanish, English and performance, Biology, Chemistry, Maths and Psychology. The A-levels I would take would be Biology, Chemistry, Religious Studies, Psychology and possibly English Literature or Maths. Then I'll go to university to study medicine.  I'll do my rotations and either specialise in Cardio-vascular surgery, Neurology, Psychiatry or Emergency medicine. I'd love to get a job as a cardiac surgeon. I'd like a guy who loves me. Who gets me for me. That would be nice. But it is not essential. I would love a successful career. To just be so involved in medicine, my passion, and save so many people and just to help them. Improve their quality of life.

If I ever have a family, we'd have a dark blue VW camper van. Just for holidays. We'd walk and cycle everywhere else. Have a healthy lifestyle. Meals would always have a set time and bet set out on the table so everyone can help themselves. We would have a family meal at least once a week. The children would all play an instrument and do a sport. It wouldn't be controlling, but they would be able to choose as long as they did that. We'd have two cats and they'd each get a guinea pig when they are five, to teach them responsibility. The house would have two music rooms. One with a grand piano in the centre on a raised platform. It would have pale walls and one glass wall that overlooks either the garden or the woods or fields or the sea or something beautiful. The other would have other instruments in. We'd go to Church on a Sunday, but the children would be allowed to make their own minds up about their faith. They'd be taught to cook. There will be a room dedicated entirely to books. I'd get married either in a picturesque Church or in the middle of a field with woods on one side under a arch made of recycled wood. The chairs would be mix-matched in style but all the same colour. It will be a sunny day and there would be a barn for shelter. The blue VW would be in the barn with a white bow on it. There would be no alcohol.

But at the moment, I am going to work so hard to achieve A*'s and A's in all my GCSE's. I'm going to volunteer with St. Johns Ambulance service and do my silver DofE then my gold. I am going to take up running again and do yoga, got to replace my Karate with something. I'm going to get back into reading. I'm going to study and not destroy my future. I'd love to learn a new skill. Something useful. I'm going to get work experience placements in hospitals, and a job. Everything is going to be planned out and perfect. Nothing is going to stop me. When I set a goal or target,  I am going to stick to it and achieve it. Nothing is going to stop me from being the best I can possibly be and achieving what I can achieve. Nothing! I will make the most out of the person I could possibly be!

I want to party, go to Glasgow or go on a shopping spree. Just something to celebrate this awesome revolution. I just want to let go and start again. Erase all the bad and fill it with good and happiness. Seriously, green is the best thing ever. It makes me think I can do anything, that;s because I can. So bring on the Latin and Physics. But I am so ready for this new beginning. Out with the bad. Bad foods, bad thoughts and bad emotions and in with the best things. Life is changing and for the better!

Evilness

So, recently I have been feeling very down. I'd say since the start of the month.It has been very annoying. I like being happy and to be honest, hiding that you're feeling down is not the right way forwards.

I've spent the past two, three weeks trying to make my family happy and it is just making me feel even more miserable. So I am giving up. I'm going to go back to the selfish cow I am and make me happy. I am so fed up of feeling miserable. And to be honest, doing what I know makes me happy is going to be the way forwards.

Also, something clicked in my brain today. There are foods that make me unhappy and will ultimately destroy the world. They have evil chemicals and toxins in that could cause the explosion of thousands of bombs that will destroy the world and everything in it. And so, these foods shall not be eaten:

• Biscuits
• Bread
• Butter
• Cheese
• Dried fruits
• Fish
• Honey
• Jams
• Milk
• Nuts
• Oil
• Oranges
• Orange Juice
• Potatoes
• Refined sugars
• Tea
• Yoghurt

So people, seriously, don't eat them. They are evil and will destroy the world. Well... they might. They are evil. And should be demolished. Okay, I know this now sounds like a vegan diet... but it is not. Not really. The foods are just evil. And should never be eaten. They are full of fear and evilness. 

Misery And German Sandwiches

I've been feeling really rather miserable, pissed off, angry and sad the past few days. It has been so fun... annoying others, pissing them off, getting angry for no reason, crying most evenings and mornings... loved every minute... not! I don't know, but I kind of feel like depression is coming back and is going to bite me on the butt. Whoop de doo. But then again, it could have just been the past few days. I can't remember. Everything just seems a trifle glum.

I need a place to stay. Home is no fun. Home is supposed to be relaxed. But I'm telling you, relaxed doesn't fit for this house. Tension. Tension. Tension. And people don't believe it, or don't care, or don't see it as they don't live here. Well if you did, and you lived in my head, or even your own, you would see it. You would understand. I promise. And yeah, I know I'm lucky to have the family that I have. They're not the worst... But they're not the best either. I don't get on too well with any of them.

So yeah, glum. Bad days. I physically can't learn my German course work. It's just not going in. I want to cry. I'm pretty darn miserable. And yeah. The German. Before 11, I have to know a 600 word script pretty much back to front in German and English, three questions and a few escape questions. I also have to write a 30 word sheet and find a picture. Normally I am very good at learning these things before hand, but my head is messed up and I cannot absorb any of it. So I'm ditching sleep and hoping that I can remember a few complex sentences and a few tenses and questions before tomorrow. And when in the exam, I hope I don't cry or something. That would be humiliating.

So yeah. Stress. Miserable. Dread. Why can't we be void of emotion. For one thing it would get rid of a few colours that I really can't be asked with at the moment, and it would make the German so much easier.

Okay, so voices alter to match the language. And German is this strange kind of orange colour. Imagine you have a yellow highlighter. Draw a straight line with it, don't use a ruler and use the whole width of the pen. Now, take a pink one and try to follow the line of yellow as best as you can, but let it run from the edge if that happens. The colour of the middle of that line, the pink on yellow, makes a strange orange colour. That is as close as I can get to describing the colour of German. It's not particularly pleasant, but it is not horrifying either.

The teachers voice, well it's the colour of a rather dull red velvet cake. It has had all the life drained out of it. There is not that shock of red you get. It is a ribbon of red. But a washed out red. Okay, when I say ribbon, I mean it is an endless line of red that wavers up and down, but it doesn't do it in a spikey manner, nor does it do it in a curvy manor... it just looks sort of ribbony.

Now mix this dark, faded, washed out red velvet cake red with the strange orange. What do you get? An interesting brown. Woo! That colour is just really unpleasant. It is so erg and sticky looking. I just don't particularly like it when he speaks German. It's an endless waves line of a red-brown-orange.

But what can be done? Just got to live with it and get on with life. That's what we all have to do. If you don't get on with it, well you're doomed in life little ones. Doomed! Things are rarely going to turn out as you'd like them to. People aren't always going to get on with you and people aren't always going to love you. Just accept it and draw a line under it and move on. If you can't move on... good luck in life! You'll need it. 

They Are More Than Annoyed

I can't change the way you think. And if I could... I don't know if I'd change it. But I can change the way I think. And that is what counts. Right?

So, in all fairness, most of the people who know me are pissed off with me. And I don't blame them. Who wouldn't? They have every right known to man to be pissed off. To be honest, I'm surprised that they still tolerate me. Really surprised. But who can't blame them for being pissed off when I am who I am? So guys, be pissed off, hate me or what ever. Don't blame you.

If I could change the way they think, I wouldn't. It's not their fault that this is happening, it's mine. Underneath some of their smiles... there is the pissed offness. Some of them, just clicked today, have been acting how they have because they're pissed off. It wasn't till they said it did it really sink in. I knew it before hand, but then boom... You're pissed off, I get it.

So why are all these people pissed off? Well you can only hazard a guess as this is not something I'm willing to say just yet. And I totally see your point guys. I totally see it. Do you see where I'm coming from? Maybe, maybe not. Who knows. That's for you to say.

But ultimately, if I don't change the way I think, well... I'm going to loose like 90% of all of my friends. That could be an exaggeration. Probably is. But who know? So yeah, walking the last thin line here. Brain transplant, here I come!

Plagued By Thoughts...

Everyone has a thought that haunts their head, right? It may be undiscovered and living in the dustiest, spider filled part of your mental attic, but it is there. I promise you.

Some people may have that thought as a pop up that annoys you every once in a while. Others may have the thought lurking in the background, just silently following you, and you can't quite catch it. Then, some poor unfortunate souls have this thought in the for-front of their mind. And it just never goes away.

So, what is this thought for you? Well, for me, and hear is a big surprise, it is food. I can't think about anything else. Everything revolves around this demon thought and substance. How many calories is that? How much fat is in that? Is it worth it? If I eat that, I'll get fat. I can't eat that... but I want to... But you can't. Every single waking moment. Food. Food. Food! ERG!

Food and calories is the first thing I think about in the morning. The last thing I think about before my brain short circuits. It is in my mind every single moment between those points. Why? Why? Why? In the middle of a lesson, my brain will wonder down 'Food Street' maybe cross over to 'Calorie Close'. Even when people are talking to me, I think about food and calories. It is my life. This desire to be skinny and to get rid of food and to count the calories. Every moment of my day. Constantly thinking about it.

But it is also very handy. I cook more. I want to know what is going into my food, how much it weighs so I can work out the calories, fat and carb content as accurately as possible. I do love cooking. It is so fun. Just not the best at it.

I mean, one of the biggest reasons as to why I am vegetarian, and seriously thinking about vegan, is the fact that so much of the evil food: cheese, meat and stuff, is cut out from your diet and reduces the calories you ultimately intake. And the diets that you follow make you lose weight anyway. See. Everything has logic.

Guilty Minds

Imagine this:

You do something that you know you shouldn't have done, I don't know, you push a small child in front of a car or something to save your own life. Or you have a huge argument with someone and you say some mean stuff. I don't know. But pick something that makes you feel guilty.

Next, intensify that feeling by a million and a voice into your head that tells you what to do. Push that small child in front of that car, start that fight and be really mean. That is the voice telling you to do that. Always there. Always talking to you. It is a battle in your head constantly between your conscience and that voice. Who wins? You don't know.

Now, that feeling of guilt. The bright acrylic yellow that you see on plastic. The shade is similar to some of the plastic we used to have in our DT classes. And then around the edges are these circles, the colour of a bruise you get on a banana all mushy and brown and frankly unappealing. You feel this build up of guilt in your throat. It builds up and up and up until it reaches your head. This pile up of hundreds of sharp edged squares. Erg. Guilt is a mean bean!

Then mix the build up of guilt with tension. The growing ball of tension that swells inside your head. The blinding, bright, glare of a white so sterile it would seem out of place in an operating theatre.

So the mix between the two, it's like a mouldy-yellow-cough medicine sort of thing. It is horrible and glares at you light a bright light when you turn a light on in the middle of the night. It builds up in your head. You just want to get rid of it.

Now then, every way of removing this tension is removed from your life because people care too much. Now that is torture on a plate. So yeah.

Tomorrow is a new day. Next week is a new week. Lets start it off with a clean page. No carrying over. Let's make a stand. Lets be happy. And not feel like this guilt is being forced upon you. Bring on the tears and the fights. But I'd much rather be happy then depressed. Who wouldn't?

So yeah. I've been feeling pretty low for a few weeks. And next week, I am so changing that. The past week has been awful. I'm doing this my way. Happy and less guilt and less of this desire to hurt myself to get rid of it.

So I here by promise you, that I will do what ever it takes to be happy and stay alive.

Forgive and Forget?

Hercules is such an awesome movie! And best of all- it's Disney! It is such an amusing take on the Greek myth and of course, the Disneyfication of it not only makes it awesome, but it makes it so much easier to understand for all of us simple minded souls.

Disney is magical- just like the T.V says. It always manages to cheer me up, even from the worst moods. Even the girls with the disproportionate eyes and hands and waists and legs and arms. The Disney songs are so random and strange but I love them. And there are always lessons to be learnt from Disney!

Hercules teaches us not to try and be things we are not and that all the bravado we put on is nothing compared to who we are. It also tells us not to trust people with fire for hair. Hercules feels like he doesn't belong (who doesn't feel like that sometimes), bu t after a bit of time being a hero, he discovers that he belongs right here, on Earth, in the place where he lives. Disney tells us "to quit your moaning and stop being so pathetic and get on with life!" Disney also shows us that we all fit in, in our own special way.

Also, there is this part where 'Meg' betrays him, and then he forgives her!? After she ultimately gained his trust then broke his heart and Hades took away his strength in order to try and overthrow Zeus. And he forgave he! Is some little idiot did that to me... I'd snap their neck. I would so want to keep my super power and save the world. I suppose the phrase "forgive and forget" springs into mind here. I don't forgive easily. I'm very excellent at holding a grudge against someone. Am I holding a grudge at the moment? Ummmm... I think I am. But I can't remember why. Well, I have the forget side of that phrase.

But my Sunday afternoon was heaven... A Disney movie to lift my spirits and yeah. Disney can make you feel so special and awesome and they are the best 'feel-good-movies' ever! Who needs a rom-com and ice cream when you're feeling blerg? Why not watch Disney in front of the fire? Yep- we have a fire! It's cold, don't judge!

Withdrawal

So, everyone has a personal life. Unless you are some crazed freak who loves to share everything with the world because for some reason people find it interesting in your deluded little head. But the key to the phrase personal life is the word personal! One of us prefer to keep it private. It is our private life! Some people just like to keep stuff to them selves, whereas others love to tell everyone about it.

Now, as we have established, I am a hypocrite. A very big hypocrite. And this case is no exception. I will willingly tell people (too willingly), stuff that has gone on in my life and stuff. But the present is private. I can guarantee that there are very few people who know what is going on in life at the moment. And yeah, most family. But quite an unhealthy number of people know about the past. I just don't trust people. Why do people need to know stuff about you? They don't. Not really.

So yeah, most people know about the past. Mainly because of this lovely little blog that bores people to death. But I'm doing that thing again. Not letting anybody know about the present. Not strictly true. A few do know. But it's time to withdraw myself from society and social situations again. People are exasperated by stuff. And it's time to hide for ages. Put up a guard. Ya know. All that stuff.

I just don't really want to talk about a lot of stuff in life. How can you fully trust someone if you don't trust your self? I don't know. I trust people. Few people. But I don't really trust myself. Never have. Erg.

But then saying that, there is a lot of stuff that I would have liked to talk about. But let us be honest with each other, unless I want to talk about it with you, I will ignore you. Always have done and always will. Take it personally. Probably means I don't trust you, don't like you, think you're strange, just being rude to you, hate you, can't be bothered to talk to you about it, or I have not gotten your message just yet. Here is an idea: pick your favourite from the list and see if it fits or works.

I always do that. Always have hidden stuff. Always will. Let down too much. Mostly by me. But oh well. So yeah. Stuff. Reusing some words from an old post but with entirely new meanings: I thought I knew what would happen, I know where this now goes, I know what might happen, I knew that it could happen and I know that something will happen and I know the consequences, I thought I knew what could happen and what might happen and now faced with what did happen and where it could go, I thought I might accept it, but I haven't. I knew I was scared and know now that there is every right to.

Why Are They So Creepy?

Smiley face things are really creepy. Just a thought that dawned on me. They are so strange. It's like their little colon eyes are piercing into your heart and studying you. And their creepy little bracket mouth. Just smiling at you. Never blinking, they are so creepy. :)

Then the ones sticking their tongue out... You stick your tongue out to be mean! Not to be nice. And you don't smile when you do it! It's just creepy. The 'p' doesn't even look like a tongue! It looks like a 'p'! Why? If I stick my tongue out, it's me being mean in a little five year old way. Not me being nice! Who do you think I am? A nice person? No way. Mean is more fun. :p

And what is up with the 'D' mouths. When do you ever smile with your teeth? You don't randomly go up to someone and show them your clenched teeth! So why send it in a text or something? And again, the eyes. Just strange! You don' go up to some one and say "Hey look at how disgusting my teeth are!", do you? No! You don't! :D

The winking face! Why? Why? Why? When do you ever wink at someone? Never! So why do it in a text? There is no point! And the face looks slightly deranged don't you think? Like, "hey there. Let me wink at you because I am a strange person!" WHY? I don't get it. It now has one eye eating your soul up! ;)

THEY ARE JUST CREEPY!

Fallen In Love So Much There Is No Coming Back

Seriously, I have fallen so deeply in love with life that there is no coming back. I love living so much. Yeah, it may have it's horrifying downs and stuff, but it is just too good to waste. In another life, I may have been a hippy and died from drug abuse or something, but I am not making the same mistake again. I am going to live life to its full. No point in chasing unachievable dreams, or chasing guys or trying to be something you're not to fit it. Life is so perfect the way it is and the way it is supposed to be!

If you look at the world around you, it is just so beautiful. There is no way on Earth that all the scientific events could have lined up and been so perfect and created the right conditions just be accident. There has to be a God of some kind. Science is real, but for everything to be so precise and perfect, there has to be something more. Just look at the leaves on the trees for instance. The smallest and most simple looking thing. But yet they are so complex and designed so perfectly that there has to be some sort of designer. It is mad for there not to be.

Life is so colourful. The colours that we see round us as beautiful. If I went blind, I would so miss the colours of the natural world. Who wouldn't? Who wouldn't miss the green of the leaves, or the blue of the sky or the beautiful selection of colours which you see just walking down a busy street. Man, I'd even miss the colours of the pavement, all stained with chewing gum and stuff. If I went blind, would I still see the colours of peoples voices? Hmm. Maybe. But I'm not willing to try that out. I like being able to see.

What else is so brilliant about life? Well, the majority of people in life. The wonderful, unique, awesome people that make every day worth while. Your friends, family, people you see but don't really know, even the person you hate the most. If it was just you, alone, in the world, you would get so lonely. People are fantastic little critters. Although I don't like most people, the world would be pointless without people. I'd get bored, and who would there be to talk to? Talking is one of the best things ever! I love it so much, I don't stop.

So yeah. I have fallen in love with life. Still yet to fall in love with another human, but life is pretty awesome. Just breathing is awesome. Is it me, or does the air in the early morning taste and feel different to the air in the middle of the day and the early evening and in the dead of night? It feels and tastes so different. I love the night air. It feels so fresh and awesome. Just breathing is awesome.

Life is fantastic people. If you don't like it... don't speak until you do. It took a while for me to appreciate life and I couldn't have done it  with out my friends. I'm not going to say how amazing they are because I say it an awful lot and it goes with out saying.

Really Boring Day!

It has been the most boring day in a while. Nothing interesting happened or anything that amusing. Boring! It has been such a flat, empty day. Erg! Seriously, the most interesting thing was my lovely Willoughby looking sadly at Spoggys chair in Latin. She has been so lost without her.

Nothing interesting happened. It has just been a dull day. And I was in a good mood. But just far to tired to do anything with it. Erg. It has been so boring. The day has gone as slow as a snail in a slow race where all of time is going backwards.

I don't like boring days. Disney is awesome. Disney, green and friends. Awesome. Numberjacks are go! That is so creepy. Numbers do not have eyes! And the colours of the numbers must annoy so many people. They would appear wrong to them. They don't bother me. Although odd numbers are evil. That's right. There is a name for this colour thing. It is an umbrella name for lots of different types. I may write about it one day. But to be honest, I can't be asked. But numbers should NOT have eyes! NUMQUAM! (Latin for never)

Image from en.wikipedia.org

So yeah. I'm really bored. This has no point to it, but I may as well write something to distract the wondering mind from the thoughts revolving around calories and food. Seriously, I do not accept this thing still. It just doesn't seem possible. It's normal to me. What does a man with a degree or two know. But then again, my friend is usually right. Erg.

Mundane is a good word. It means boring.

Happpy, Happy, Happy

This blog has just turned into somewhere to moan and complain and to be frank, be quite miserable. And in fairness, nobody likes to read about miserableness. So I am going to write a happy post today.

So rainbows and unicorns and cute fluffy rabbits. Sparkles and Disney and friends and awesome people. Good days, amazing friends.  Disney, music running and oxygen. Friends, friends, friends. Happy, love, happy, love.

So, being an individual is the most important thing. I love being me! We are all individuals. We are who we are and if people don't like it... well they can shove their head in a bin for all I care.

Lalalalalalalala!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wrote a post the other day, and let me STRESS it was just how I felt that day. Glad we sorted that out.

This is a really random post. Evil laugh. But Derek Landy is Awesome. To be honest, this is the sort of random thoughts that go on in my head.

Oh my gosh! That reminds me! This morning one of my mates was telling me about the dreams he had last night. What on Earth goes on in his head? Fire? Superman? It was very funny and amusing. But also worrying. What goes on in his head? I'd love to be able to read minds.

I had a thought and I lost it. Dam! Oh yeah! I remember. Another one of my friends, well she has these random blackouts where she cannot remember anything. Worrying. But funny. Bless her little cotton socks.

I  love my friends.  Yohoho. And Disney and Shrek and Dreamworks. Awesome!!

Side Order Of Awkwardness

Today I am going to tell you how to make the perfect side dish to any situation- awkwardness. 

Ingredients: 

• 1 dysfunctional family. Must include a drunk, stressed woman and two teenagers with contrasting personalities. 
• 1 carb and fat full meal
• Plenty of water
• Plenty of alcohol
• A bottle of denial
• 2 table spoons of ignorance
• A gallon of pressure

Method:

1. Create a day full of refined sugar, fat and carbohydrates as the only thing on offer.
2. Give the father a good lashing of alcohol and keep on doing so every ten minutes. 
3. Then mix in most of the denial, be sure to save some for later.
4. Next add in 1 table spoon of ignorance and mix well. Leave to stew on the stove for about three hours.
5. When close to the boil add in the water and leave for another half an hour.
6. Next add in the rest of the family and the meal.
7. Pile on the pressure, add more alcohol and turn the heat right up. 
8. Add in the rest of the denial and ignorance. 
9. Give it a quick mix and watch the awkwardness unfold.

Safety:

• Have communication methods on stand by.
• Keep all guns out of sight
• Be prepared for lots of hate being thrown your way (safety goggles advisable)

Bad Night

So, I'm lying here, looking at my bedroom ceiling with billions of thoughts running around in my head. Some are great thoughts. Some are rubbish. But that's just how it is. Some things in life are great and others are rubbish.

I had a great day on Friday with two of my best mates. We had fun. And I've had an okayish day today I suppose. Stuff happened. But yeah, stuff happens in life and what are we going to do about it? Quite a lot of the time it feels like we can do nothing. A green-grey feeling of helplessness.

Helplessness is a very dark, musty, greyish olive green. It's got that merkyness to it that you would see in really stagnant, dirty water. The grey is like a smokey grey, the kind you see from bonfires. That heavy thin covering of grey. The feeling of helplessness swirls around like a tornado and destroys things that it comes into contact with.

Again, I'm going back to my time machine and this time I would do today and the very end of yesterday differently. I feel like I've put an enormous burden on some people's shoulders and at the same time dug my own grave and jumped straight on in to it. Woo! Go grave digging!

But at the same time I feel like I've taken three steps forward. There were three things which needed to be done, so this equates to three steps. It's lovely to feel like "hey, I've done something positive and its the first in a long time. Woo! Go me", but at the same time it's almost disappointing. It does feel like so much of the stuff that I adore is going to be snatched away. And guess what? I'm nit going down with out a fight!

It does feel like there is a score board in my head. Two teams battling for the trophy. The me part and the not me part. So far they're even. Maybe the not me is winning. Maybe the me is winning. Who knows? Only time will tell.

But, yeah, life goes on. Stuff happens. My parents told me this weekend that I have some amazing friends. And I do. I have THE most amazing friends in the entire universe. Because without them, well life would be a far more boring thing.

Can I sleep? Noooo. Too many thoughts. It feels like it's going to be a rough night. Ahhh well. The last rough night I had, I spent it cycling. That was fun. But I did regret the next day. Falling asleep in every lesson. Fun times.

"Knowledge is life with wings."

William Blake is my favourite poet. Poetry is not dead, it is very much a live. Lyrics to your favourite shitty rap song are poetry, although bad ones. Very bad ones. William Blake was a fantastic poet! Yeah, he was a bit mad, but all geniuses are! He was, and is, better than any modern day poet or song writer! He just chose not to write his poem to some stupid, machine made sound that you all seem to class as music. He didn't write only about love, drugs, sex, ex's or some other seemingly irrelevant thing. He wrote magic! And logic!

"What is now proven was once imagined..." 

Well it was, wasn't it. Once we dreamed of flying to the stars and new lands. Once we dreamed all of these seemingly impossible dreams, but now, well now they are a reality.

"Everything to be imagined is an image of truth..." 

Again, true! Even our wildest dreams and aspirations have truth in them. There is no escaping honesty. It chases after you. We imagine what we want to happen, and in there are elements of truth. Our future. Everything is like that. 

"How can a bird that is born for joy, sit in a cage and sing?"

How can something have it's soul purpose removed from it's life and still be expected to do it? Why cadge a bird when it is supposed to be free to enjoy life. How can you put it in a cadge and expect it to sin for you, when it has no freedom? You can't. So follow what your heart says and do not suppress the enjoyment that you, as an individual, were made for. 

You can be anything in life, do anything, achieve anything, as long as you do it and don not expect others to. There is no limit as to what you can do, as long as you put your mind to it and do it. You can never reach an end because only you are capable to push yourself towards all of these infinite possibilities. 

"To see a world in a Grain of Sand

And a Heaven in a wild flower,

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand

And Eternity in an hour..."

Only a fool would not see the beauty in this. There is a whole different life time going on inside the smallest of things. And true beauty can be shown in the purest, strongest things. The creations of God make a heaven on Earth if you look at the design and beauty of it all. You have the power to create infinite chances and create the best things in your life in the small window of life that you get a glimpse at. These possibilities are not a fabrication, but an actual thing and each one is as unique as the individual creating them. 

"In the Universe, there are things that are known, 

and things that are unknown and in between, 

there are doors."

So, in life you have things that are certain to exist, things that cannot possibly be, and things that nobody knows about. You have to find out about them by taking a risk and opening a door that will lead down a new path and will hold things that are uncertain. But that is the only way forwards as otherwise you are going to be so stuck in your ways, that you are going to lose everything. The known is boring, the impossible is out of bounds, so the unknown is the only way forwards. It may not be the safest path, but it is the one that is going to throw the most chances at you. 

Fed Up

I am so fed up of this. Fed up of people,feeling angry, feeling ignored and rejected. Fed up of feeling like the third wheel wherever I go. Feeling like I am unwanted, wherever I go. Fed up of feeling like I can't have a normal convention as everyone thinks that something is wrong, but all I want is a conversation about anything.

I'm fed up. I'm angry. I feel slightly depressed. And I feel pretty darn worthless. I don't know if people genuinely don't want me there or it has nothing to do with them. I don't know if people are annoyed by me. Right now, I feel pretty darn worthless and isolated. It may just be today and the rest of the week, but I have the sense that people just don't want me there.

So forgive me if I'm being stupid, but can somebody just tell me something and anything. It is pissing me off. I can't read people's minds, so how the hell am I supposed to know!

Differance Between Happiness

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. And one thing that cropped up, was the difference between the silver happiness and the blue-green-turquoise happiness. And I have come to a conclusion...

So, the silver circles of happiness is for the happiness that you get from others. You know when someone has a happy vibe and it catches, it's like that. You feel happy because they are happy and you can't help but feel happy for them. You can't help but feel happy about everything. You catch it from others and you feel other people's happiness. So in a way, it doesn't start out as your happiness, but it becomes it through others.

The blue-green-turquoise happiness is your happiness. It is so pure and up their. It is hyper and awesome. It is what you feel because you are so in love with something. You feel it for no reason. You feel it because something amazing has happened. You feel it because you are you and you love it. It's like it has joy mixed in with it. It is such a pure emotion that belongs only to you. It is that happiness. The happiness where nothing is going to bring you down. The happiness where all you can think of is how awesome everything is. It is down to you only.

So, that is the difference between happiness. I don't know if that made sense. But it did to me.

Keeping Calm

What do you do when you panic? When you freak out? When you are so close to going back into bad habits? When you are scared and angry? Seriously, when you are as far away as possible from calm... What do you do? Me, I write it down several times and then try to make it seem logical. The amount of times I have written this post is just too many. It started off as an angry rant, then a low down of the day, then a confession of self hate and now it's about something.

So why am I panicking? Well this sounds very stupid, but I'm 59 calories over 900 calories. I feel so guilty and worthless. But I'm trying to find logic and reason in the fact that it is still less than 1000, which is less than a half. But no, it's not working. I want to get up really early tomorrow and run for hours. But no, I can't do that can I? I hate choosing not to run. I'd much rather have my friends, but I wish they'd understand why I need to run. Just once a week. It can't do any harm. Not really. 

I am also extremely angry. I don't think I haven't gotten annoyed at anyone this evening. I have gotten annoyed with anyone who spoke to me at some point. And do you know what it is like to see so many orange triangles shatter in front of your eyes? It's an explosion of bright orange glass. It shatters towards you. So yeah, anger does get very annoying. This constant shattering of bright orange. 

I got so angry at one point today that I wanted to cut myself just to get rid of it. Bad habit. But I didn't. I grabbed a guy with a green voice. A calm voice. And made him talk. It's funny that just by seeing his voice, it made you think calm. That dude is a legend. He spoke about a cafe or something in Spanish. Thank you. 

So yeah, I feel very guilty. This makes me angry. Usually, I'd run to get rid of anger. But I can't. So I'm kind of stuck in this cycle between anger and guilt and guilt and anger. On and on it loops in a circle. Just let me run! Would you rather I ran behind your back (I am so close to doing that), and over did it. Or, would you rather I ran with your knowledge, but you had a say in it? Let me run! It would make this whole thing so much easier to deal with!