Oh I could be oh so poetic about this. I could write it in a poetic way. And it would be boring then. Who wants life to be one big long interpretation? Nobody! That's for sure! Well, sating that... some people might like to interpret things.
So, food. Food is essential to life and in a way that really does suck. I don't like a lot of food and if I had the choice I would go without. I still struggle with food. I want to go back to this safety net of 900 calories, which I know is really bad for me. I still find it really hard to eat a lot of foods and I still find it hard to eat out in public places. I can't eat a sandwich in school. Sounds stupid, but I just can't do it.
It's been playing on my mind a lot recently. Will this ever go away? Will I ever have a normal relationship with food? I'm still scared to put dairy in my mouth, which makes breakfast hard. But I've just had to accept that it is something I'm going to live with till I get over it. I can't bring myself to eat rice. I can just about manage the smallest amount of potato. I can do a mouthful of something like cake or chocolate. But then I feel so incredibly guilty and I have to exercise.
The thoughts of guilt and shamefulness still plague my mind. The little voice in the back of my mind. Always there. But I've learnt not to listen to it. I am perfectly okay. And you shouldn't let food control your life.
Body image is still something I struggle with. But then again who doesn't? Blame society and media stereotypes for that one.
I'm really anxious about this weekend mind. It's a DofE hike thing. And there is a whole list of foods there that I'm scared to eat, I can't eat and I don't like. And then there is the fact that it is outside. And the fact that there is no way to control the bacteria and the pressure to eat because we would have been hiking. The pressure to eat enough to keep everyone else safe. The pressure to eat so that it stops mother and my lovely guy from worrying. The pressure to eat so that others feel safe around me. But what if I can't? What if I'm just not hungry? What if I don't eat enough? What if I can't put the rice or the chocolate or the cheese in my mouth? What if it's a bad day? If it's a bad day at home I just find something that I can eat and I take my time over it. But I can't do that in a field. A bad day at home takes me a while to eat but I get around to it and I eat when I'm comfortable to. I used to be so scared I'd cry and shake and hate myself. They've never seen that. What if I can't do it? What if they see that? How would they take it? I don't think they'd understand. They've never been put in that situation before. Not inside their own head. I don't know if it's going to be okay. To tell the truth, I'm scared.
But what will be, will be. Oh gosh. Never mind. Life trundles on. It's just 2 days.
Showing posts with label Food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Food. Show all posts
Saturday, 22 March 2014
Saturday, 19 October 2013
Call Me Crazy, But...
Call me crazy, but the colours are dancing like a party! It is awesome! They are so much brighter and just seem to be dancing as if there is music in my head. Upbeat, get up and dance, party music. It is awesome!
It's like the yo-yo has gone up and is staying on a high. Woo! Party! Loving life! So many plans and thoughts just buzzing through my mind. I could plan out my future in the next five minutes where it would usually take a week or two normally on one of these awesome high moods.
I will go to college, take the IB or four/five A-levels. The IB options I would take would be Spanish, English and performance, Biology, Chemistry, Maths and Psychology. The A-levels I would take would be Biology, Chemistry, Religious Studies, Psychology and possibly English Literature or Maths. Then I'll go to university to study medicine. I'll do my rotations and either specialise in Cardio-vascular surgery, Neurology, Psychiatry or Emergency medicine. I'd love to get a job as a cardiac surgeon. I'd like a guy who loves me. Who gets me for me. That would be nice. But it is not essential. I would love a successful career. To just be so involved in medicine, my passion, and save so many people and just to help them. Improve their quality of life.
If I ever have a family, we'd have a dark blue VW camper van. Just for holidays. We'd walk and cycle everywhere else. Have a healthy lifestyle. Meals would always have a set time and bet set out on the table so everyone can help themselves. We would have a family meal at least once a week. The children would all play an instrument and do a sport. It wouldn't be controlling, but they would be able to choose as long as they did that. We'd have two cats and they'd each get a guinea pig when they are five, to teach them responsibility. The house would have two music rooms. One with a grand piano in the centre on a raised platform. It would have pale walls and one glass wall that overlooks either the garden or the woods or fields or the sea or something beautiful. The other would have other instruments in. We'd go to Church on a Sunday, but the children would be allowed to make their own minds up about their faith. They'd be taught to cook. There will be a room dedicated entirely to books. I'd get married either in a picturesque Church or in the middle of a field with woods on one side under a arch made of recycled wood. The chairs would be mix-matched in style but all the same colour. It will be a sunny day and there would be a barn for shelter. The blue VW would be in the barn with a white bow on it. There would be no alcohol.
But at the moment, I am going to work so hard to achieve A*'s and A's in all my GCSE's. I'm going to volunteer with St. Johns Ambulance service and do my silver DofE then my gold. I am going to take up running again and do yoga, got to replace my Karate with something. I'm going to get back into reading. I'm going to study and not destroy my future. I'd love to learn a new skill. Something useful. I'm going to get work experience placements in hospitals, and a job. Everything is going to be planned out and perfect. Nothing is going to stop me. When I set a goal or target, I am going to stick to it and achieve it. Nothing is going to stop me from being the best I can possibly be and achieving what I can achieve. Nothing! I will make the most out of the person I could possibly be!
I want to party, go to Glasgow or go on a shopping spree. Just something to celebrate this awesome revolution. I just want to let go and start again. Erase all the bad and fill it with good and happiness. Seriously, green is the best thing ever. It makes me think I can do anything, that;s because I can. So bring on the Latin and Physics. But I am so ready for this new beginning. Out with the bad. Bad foods, bad thoughts and bad emotions and in with the best things. Life is changing and for the better!
It's like the yo-yo has gone up and is staying on a high. Woo! Party! Loving life! So many plans and thoughts just buzzing through my mind. I could plan out my future in the next five minutes where it would usually take a week or two normally on one of these awesome high moods.
I will go to college, take the IB or four/five A-levels. The IB options I would take would be Spanish, English and performance, Biology, Chemistry, Maths and Psychology. The A-levels I would take would be Biology, Chemistry, Religious Studies, Psychology and possibly English Literature or Maths. Then I'll go to university to study medicine. I'll do my rotations and either specialise in Cardio-vascular surgery, Neurology, Psychiatry or Emergency medicine. I'd love to get a job as a cardiac surgeon. I'd like a guy who loves me. Who gets me for me. That would be nice. But it is not essential. I would love a successful career. To just be so involved in medicine, my passion, and save so many people and just to help them. Improve their quality of life.
If I ever have a family, we'd have a dark blue VW camper van. Just for holidays. We'd walk and cycle everywhere else. Have a healthy lifestyle. Meals would always have a set time and bet set out on the table so everyone can help themselves. We would have a family meal at least once a week. The children would all play an instrument and do a sport. It wouldn't be controlling, but they would be able to choose as long as they did that. We'd have two cats and they'd each get a guinea pig when they are five, to teach them responsibility. The house would have two music rooms. One with a grand piano in the centre on a raised platform. It would have pale walls and one glass wall that overlooks either the garden or the woods or fields or the sea or something beautiful. The other would have other instruments in. We'd go to Church on a Sunday, but the children would be allowed to make their own minds up about their faith. They'd be taught to cook. There will be a room dedicated entirely to books. I'd get married either in a picturesque Church or in the middle of a field with woods on one side under a arch made of recycled wood. The chairs would be mix-matched in style but all the same colour. It will be a sunny day and there would be a barn for shelter. The blue VW would be in the barn with a white bow on it. There would be no alcohol.
But at the moment, I am going to work so hard to achieve A*'s and A's in all my GCSE's. I'm going to volunteer with St. Johns Ambulance service and do my silver DofE then my gold. I am going to take up running again and do yoga, got to replace my Karate with something. I'm going to get back into reading. I'm going to study and not destroy my future. I'd love to learn a new skill. Something useful. I'm going to get work experience placements in hospitals, and a job. Everything is going to be planned out and perfect. Nothing is going to stop me. When I set a goal or target, I am going to stick to it and achieve it. Nothing is going to stop me from being the best I can possibly be and achieving what I can achieve. Nothing! I will make the most out of the person I could possibly be!
I want to party, go to Glasgow or go on a shopping spree. Just something to celebrate this awesome revolution. I just want to let go and start again. Erase all the bad and fill it with good and happiness. Seriously, green is the best thing ever. It makes me think I can do anything, that;s because I can. So bring on the Latin and Physics. But I am so ready for this new beginning. Out with the bad. Bad foods, bad thoughts and bad emotions and in with the best things. Life is changing and for the better!
Evilness
So, recently I have been feeling very down. I'd say since the start of the month.It has been very annoying. I like being happy and to be honest, hiding that you're feeling down is not the right way forwards.
I've spent the past two, three weeks trying to make my family happy and it is just making me feel even more miserable. So I am giving up. I'm going to go back to the selfish cow I am and make me happy. I am so fed up of feeling miserable. And to be honest, doing what I know makes me happy is going to be the way forwards.
Also, something clicked in my brain today. There are foods that make me unhappy and will ultimately destroy the world. They have evil chemicals and toxins in that could cause the explosion of thousands of bombs that will destroy the world and everything in it. And so, these foods shall not be eaten:
I've spent the past two, three weeks trying to make my family happy and it is just making me feel even more miserable. So I am giving up. I'm going to go back to the selfish cow I am and make me happy. I am so fed up of feeling miserable. And to be honest, doing what I know makes me happy is going to be the way forwards.
Also, something clicked in my brain today. There are foods that make me unhappy and will ultimately destroy the world. They have evil chemicals and toxins in that could cause the explosion of thousands of bombs that will destroy the world and everything in it. And so, these foods shall not be eaten:
- Biscuits
- Bread
- Butter
- Cheese
- Dried fruits
- Fish
- Honey
- Jams
- Milk
- Nuts
- Oil
- Oranges
- Orange Juice
- Potatoes
- Refined sugars
- Tea
- Yoghurt
So people, seriously, don't eat them. They are evil and will destroy the world. Well... they might. They are evil. And should be demolished. Okay, I know this now sounds like a vegan diet... but it is not. Not really. The foods are just evil. And should never be eaten. They are full of fear and evilness.
Monday, 14 October 2013
Plagued By Thoughts...
Everyone has a thought that haunts their head, right? It may be undiscovered and living in the dustiest, spider filled part of your mental attic, but it is there. I promise you.
Some people may have that thought as a pop up that annoys you every once in a while. Others may have the thought lurking in the background, just silently following you, and you can't quite catch it. Then, some poor unfortunate souls have this thought in the for-front of their mind. And it just never goes away.
So, what is this thought for you? Well, for me, and hear is a big surprise, it is food. I can't think about anything else. Everything revolves around this demon thought and substance. How many calories is that? How much fat is in that? Is it worth it? If I eat that, I'll get fat. I can't eat that... but I want to... But you can't. Every single waking moment. Food. Food. Food! ERG!
Food and calories is the first thing I think about in the morning. The last thing I think about before my brain short circuits. It is in my mind every single moment between those points. Why? Why? Why? In the middle of a lesson, my brain will wonder down 'Food Street' maybe cross over to 'Calorie Close'. Even when people are talking to me, I think about food and calories. It is my life. This desire to be skinny and to get rid of food and to count the calories. Every moment of my day. Constantly thinking about it.
But it is also very handy. I cook more. I want to know what is going into my food, how much it weighs so I can work out the calories, fat and carb content as accurately as possible. I do love cooking. It is so fun. Just not the best at it.
I mean, one of the biggest reasons as to why I am vegetarian, and seriously thinking about vegan, is the fact that so much of the evil food: cheese, meat and stuff, is cut out from your diet and reduces the calories you ultimately intake. And the diets that you follow make you lose weight anyway. See. Everything has logic.
Some people may have that thought as a pop up that annoys you every once in a while. Others may have the thought lurking in the background, just silently following you, and you can't quite catch it. Then, some poor unfortunate souls have this thought in the for-front of their mind. And it just never goes away.
So, what is this thought for you? Well, for me, and hear is a big surprise, it is food. I can't think about anything else. Everything revolves around this demon thought and substance. How many calories is that? How much fat is in that? Is it worth it? If I eat that, I'll get fat. I can't eat that... but I want to... But you can't. Every single waking moment. Food. Food. Food! ERG!
Food and calories is the first thing I think about in the morning. The last thing I think about before my brain short circuits. It is in my mind every single moment between those points. Why? Why? Why? In the middle of a lesson, my brain will wonder down 'Food Street' maybe cross over to 'Calorie Close'. Even when people are talking to me, I think about food and calories. It is my life. This desire to be skinny and to get rid of food and to count the calories. Every moment of my day. Constantly thinking about it.
But it is also very handy. I cook more. I want to know what is going into my food, how much it weighs so I can work out the calories, fat and carb content as accurately as possible. I do love cooking. It is so fun. Just not the best at it.
I mean, one of the biggest reasons as to why I am vegetarian, and seriously thinking about vegan, is the fact that so much of the evil food: cheese, meat and stuff, is cut out from your diet and reduces the calories you ultimately intake. And the diets that you follow make you lose weight anyway. See. Everything has logic.
Sunday, 6 October 2013
Side Order Of Awkwardness
Today I am going to tell you how to make the perfect side dish to any situation- awkwardness.
Ingredients:
- 1 dysfunctional family. Must include a drunk, stressed woman and two teenagers with contrasting personalities.
- 1 carb and fat full meal
- Plenty of water
- Plenty of alcohol
- A bottle of denial
- 2 table spoons of ignorance
- A gallon of pressure
Method:
- Create a day full of refined sugar, fat and carbohydrates as the only thing on offer.
- Give the father a good lashing of alcohol and keep on doing so every ten minutes.
- Then mix in most of the denial, be sure to save some for later.
- Next add in 1 table spoon of ignorance and mix well. Leave to stew on the stove for about three hours.
- When close to the boil add in the water and leave for another half an hour.
- Next add in the rest of the family and the meal.
- Pile on the pressure, add more alcohol and turn the heat right up.
- Add in the rest of the denial and ignorance.
- Give it a quick mix and watch the awkwardness unfold.
Safety:
- Have communication methods on stand by.
- Keep all guns out of sight
- Be prepared for lots of hate being thrown your way (safety goggles advisable)
Friday, 27 September 2013
That Wasn't Me
Yeah, the post I wrote this morning wasn't really me. Well it was. But it wasn't me talking. Well it was. But it wasn't fully me. After reading it, it doesn't seem like it was me. I want to get better. That wasn't me. Not properly me.
Sometimes, quite a bit of the time, it doesn't feel like it's me in my head telling me what to think. It feels like my mind has a mind of its own. A little voice that says "No! Don't eat that! Do more exercise! You'll get fat!" I think that it was that part of me.
I mean, I do agree with me. I do agree with what it says but the more awesome part of me doesn't as let's face it, starvation and over exercising is not good. I really want to get better, but I also want to be able to run and exercise. It's so hard. It's not me, but at the same time it is me.
So yeah. That post was me. But this post is the logical me who knows it's wrong. That post wasn't much of that me. But I want to run still. It's like my heart has been ripped from my chest. It's not. But it would be so much easier if I could run. Even if it was once a week and for half an hour. Or just for a bit. Until someone says stop. That part was the me me. Not the other me. If that makes sense. But I think that it would be easier and more manageable in my head if I could run. Just saying.
Sometimes, quite a bit of the time, it doesn't feel like it's me in my head telling me what to think. It feels like my mind has a mind of its own. A little voice that says "No! Don't eat that! Do more exercise! You'll get fat!" I think that it was that part of me.
I mean, I do agree with me. I do agree with what it says but the more awesome part of me doesn't as let's face it, starvation and over exercising is not good. I really want to get better, but I also want to be able to run and exercise. It's so hard. It's not me, but at the same time it is me.
So yeah. That post was me. But this post is the logical me who knows it's wrong. That post wasn't much of that me. But I want to run still. It's like my heart has been ripped from my chest. It's not. But it would be so much easier if I could run. Even if it was once a week and for half an hour. Or just for a bit. Until someone says stop. That part was the me me. Not the other me. If that makes sense. But I think that it would be easier and more manageable in my head if I could run. Just saying.
Thursday, 26 September 2013
Outlook
Right. So I am writing this on this slightly over cast Friday morning as there is a lot to think about before I even go anywhere or do anything. There is a kind of semi state of panic going through my mind. No I lie, it's a bit more than that.
Okay. So today people are going to look at me like "whoa, what's up with you? Did you swallow a whale?" See in my head this morning I am horrible and whale like. I feel quite large and I look it. I have to exercise (what I'm doing right now) for as long as I can and as hard as I can. My poor bike is going to be tired. But I feel really panicked by what I've eaten in the past 12 hours. I mean bread is just off the lost for ever now. So is most dairy and all sweet food. It makes me feel so horrible.
Seriously, people are just going to look at me really funny today. I must have put on loads of weight. I look horrible. I feel disgusting and evil. I honestly don't think I can eat anything today. It just all looks so evil and mean. And so full of calories. Ahhh. I really need to burn them off before I set out the door. It's cool. I have half an hour yet.
This probably sounds really stupid to you all. But food just makes me panic. It will be a miracle if I eat between now and Saturday. No joke. I feel so disgusting. I want to rip out my insides and my heart and brain and get rid of them. I hate this so much. I have to get rid of it or others and myself will suffer. Just the smell of food. No. It's bad and wrong. I have to exercise. I can't eat. Just look at me? I look fricken disgusting! That's because I am.
I want to get rid of every calorie that has entered my system in the past two days. It scares me. People look at me funny. I have to do this. I can't eat anything. I physically can't. I have to work it off. An average person burns 1,500 calories just doing nothing all day. So if you eat less than that you'll lose weight. Take the 500 away as that is how much your brain uses. Then another 100 to give you a margin to go over just slightly. That leaves 900 calories a day. I want to half it to 450. Maybe 500. A person can live on that.
People just don't get it. They don't see what I see or feel what I feel. So the outlook for today: panic, annoy a few people with this by accident (face it, a fair few of the people I know are not going to like it), panic. Erg. I feel like such a disgusting human being. And I won't be allowed to run later either. And I really need to. I need to get rid of this feeling. All this guilt and yellow and self hate. I'll flip if I don't get to run. Just one more time. Please! I really need to do this.
Haha. I'm freaking out again. People will see my like a huge thing. Ahhh. It's really important that I do this. I'm scared. I need to do this. It's really important and saying no is not going to work. Just let me run please. And I promise I won't over do it. I just need to run. Please.
Okay. So today people are going to look at me like "whoa, what's up with you? Did you swallow a whale?" See in my head this morning I am horrible and whale like. I feel quite large and I look it. I have to exercise (what I'm doing right now) for as long as I can and as hard as I can. My poor bike is going to be tired. But I feel really panicked by what I've eaten in the past 12 hours. I mean bread is just off the lost for ever now. So is most dairy and all sweet food. It makes me feel so horrible.
Seriously, people are just going to look at me really funny today. I must have put on loads of weight. I look horrible. I feel disgusting and evil. I honestly don't think I can eat anything today. It just all looks so evil and mean. And so full of calories. Ahhh. I really need to burn them off before I set out the door. It's cool. I have half an hour yet.
This probably sounds really stupid to you all. But food just makes me panic. It will be a miracle if I eat between now and Saturday. No joke. I feel so disgusting. I want to rip out my insides and my heart and brain and get rid of them. I hate this so much. I have to get rid of it or others and myself will suffer. Just the smell of food. No. It's bad and wrong. I have to exercise. I can't eat. Just look at me? I look fricken disgusting! That's because I am.
I want to get rid of every calorie that has entered my system in the past two days. It scares me. People look at me funny. I have to do this. I can't eat anything. I physically can't. I have to work it off. An average person burns 1,500 calories just doing nothing all day. So if you eat less than that you'll lose weight. Take the 500 away as that is how much your brain uses. Then another 100 to give you a margin to go over just slightly. That leaves 900 calories a day. I want to half it to 450. Maybe 500. A person can live on that.
People just don't get it. They don't see what I see or feel what I feel. So the outlook for today: panic, annoy a few people with this by accident (face it, a fair few of the people I know are not going to like it), panic. Erg. I feel like such a disgusting human being. And I won't be allowed to run later either. And I really need to. I need to get rid of this feeling. All this guilt and yellow and self hate. I'll flip if I don't get to run. Just one more time. Please! I really need to do this.
Haha. I'm freaking out again. People will see my like a huge thing. Ahhh. It's really important that I do this. I'm scared. I need to do this. It's really important and saying no is not going to work. Just let me run please. And I promise I won't over do it. I just need to run. Please.
Sunday, 22 September 2013
Birthday Week End
I spent my brothers birthday cooking him entirely home cooked food. Friday some friends came over to help to bake him some cake, and Saturday morning was spent baking more cake for him.
His obsession with Jaffa Cakes created him a couple of giant jaffa cakes. My friends helped to bake these.
The tall candles were a fire hazard, so we used sparklers... they wouldn't light. But he got candles. And that half of a potato on a plate, mum has this obsession with it to see how much it will sprout. Just gross.
His obsession with Jaffa Cakes created him a couple of giant jaffa cakes. My friends helped to bake these.
They had some resemblance to a jaffa cake. They had cake, jelly thing, and chocolate. Don't know why he looks so scornful?
His epic chocolate cup cakes were baked because we discovered we couldn't put candles in chocolate. And you need to have candles on a birthday cake! It's not a birthday cake otherwise... it becomes an ordinary cake!
The tall candles were a fire hazard, so we used sparklers... they wouldn't light. But he got candles. And that half of a potato on a plate, mum has this obsession with it to see how much it will sprout. Just gross.
We made pasta. That was fun. The pasta machine is so much fun! You put it in and it just gets longer and longer and longer. It is pretty awesome.
So that was my brothers birthday. A lot of cake was eaten. A lot of pasta was thrown at each other. It was good fun. Happy Birthday!
Thursday, 12 September 2013
A Helping Hand.
I've had a day to think over some stuff. And I've come to the conclusion that I would like some help. I'm not going to let the demon in my head win. But how I came to this conclusion that means the most, I think.
So, I've wanted help for a while because I'm so scared and unsure what to do. So why am I backing out of this? Truth is I don't know what to expect and we don't like the unexpected US humans. Although we are told 'expect the unexpected'. And maybe this time, I have to take a step forward and let the control that I love over things be taken away. That might help me.
Next it was something a friend said to me last night: 'GCSE year'. And I don't want to screw up my GCSEs. I can't screw them up if I want to be a doctor. They have to go well. Really well. And my friends can't afford to fail them or screw them up, so it's best for them. It's best for them that this gets sorted.
Another friend said to me today three words that perhaps were the most terrifying thing I heard all day: 'force feed you'. NO! NOT EVER! If I'm going to do this I still want some control. So I have to show signs of getting better to avoid this. It's not ever going to happen to me. I'd like to think I'm strong enough to avoid this.
Yesterday a mate made me eat carbs. It took longer than it should have. And afterwards I spent close to two hours in a panic. It was bad. I'm sorry he saw it. He did the right thing after all. And then he said a blunt, cutting scentance that was along the lines of: 'This is why you're going there' or something like that. But it hit home... hard.
Then perhaps the thing that made me realise this the most, was twentyish minutes today with three mates. Apparently writing down calories in a book is a sign of anorexea. And the fact that they think it, well... there has to be some truth in that right? One of them is always right when it comes to stuff like this. And yes, I should probably listen to him. And I will. So like the good mate he is, he took the note book away. Thank you. Yes I was angry and upset and annoyed; it was the right thing and meant that change is coming. But I'll get over the constant need to count calories. But then foolishly he gave the book to a guy who gave it straight back to me. He said he didn't want his parents to read it or find it. And after 3 hours of thinking about it... it went in the bin in the middle of town. I don't want it. Not if I'm going to get better.
So whether it is the start of anorexea or just a bad habit, I'm getting help. I don't care anymore if the change will be hard. But there is too much I don't want to lose. And I don't want this to become any worse. So thank you guys for being amazing friends. You've really gone above and beyond as friends. I love you all. And it's all going to be okay.
By the way, you with the green voice: you've outdone yourself. You wear your heart on your sleeves and are a too good a friend for someone like me after I've constantly let you down. You are truly amazing, and I really couldn't have come to this decision if it wasn't that one word you said: 'anorexea'.
So, I've wanted help for a while because I'm so scared and unsure what to do. So why am I backing out of this? Truth is I don't know what to expect and we don't like the unexpected US humans. Although we are told 'expect the unexpected'. And maybe this time, I have to take a step forward and let the control that I love over things be taken away. That might help me.
Next it was something a friend said to me last night: 'GCSE year'. And I don't want to screw up my GCSEs. I can't screw them up if I want to be a doctor. They have to go well. Really well. And my friends can't afford to fail them or screw them up, so it's best for them. It's best for them that this gets sorted.
Another friend said to me today three words that perhaps were the most terrifying thing I heard all day: 'force feed you'. NO! NOT EVER! If I'm going to do this I still want some control. So I have to show signs of getting better to avoid this. It's not ever going to happen to me. I'd like to think I'm strong enough to avoid this.
Yesterday a mate made me eat carbs. It took longer than it should have. And afterwards I spent close to two hours in a panic. It was bad. I'm sorry he saw it. He did the right thing after all. And then he said a blunt, cutting scentance that was along the lines of: 'This is why you're going there' or something like that. But it hit home... hard.
Then perhaps the thing that made me realise this the most, was twentyish minutes today with three mates. Apparently writing down calories in a book is a sign of anorexea. And the fact that they think it, well... there has to be some truth in that right? One of them is always right when it comes to stuff like this. And yes, I should probably listen to him. And I will. So like the good mate he is, he took the note book away. Thank you. Yes I was angry and upset and annoyed; it was the right thing and meant that change is coming. But I'll get over the constant need to count calories. But then foolishly he gave the book to a guy who gave it straight back to me. He said he didn't want his parents to read it or find it. And after 3 hours of thinking about it... it went in the bin in the middle of town. I don't want it. Not if I'm going to get better.
So whether it is the start of anorexea or just a bad habit, I'm getting help. I don't care anymore if the change will be hard. But there is too much I don't want to lose. And I don't want this to become any worse. So thank you guys for being amazing friends. You've really gone above and beyond as friends. I love you all. And it's all going to be okay.
By the way, you with the green voice: you've outdone yourself. You wear your heart on your sleeves and are a too good a friend for someone like me after I've constantly let you down. You are truly amazing, and I really couldn't have come to this decision if it wasn't that one word you said: 'anorexea'.
Sunday, 8 September 2013
The Smallest of Things
I want to link this one back to one of my mates posts. He around about being proud. Please go and read it. It has true meaning and significance to this post.
So, I've just spent the past hour trying to battle my way through the barrier in my head from yesterday. And it may have taken me over an hour to eat the smallest amount of pasta ever, but I did it. That's 268 calories more than I intended to eat today. And that's only because I tried so hard to get over the barrier in my head. And I'm happy that I did it. It will sound insane that it was really hard. But it happened. I have actually done it.
Yes, I still feel incredibly guilty because I ate. But I did it. I got over a thought. It may seem like the smallest thing to so many people, but to me it's amazing. Because it was such a small amount, it's not going to make me or others fat. But because it's a small amount it seems insignificant. But it's something to work on to work on right?
The fear is still ruling my mind. But the smallest victory over it is so green. It's like the colour of the fresh grass. It's bright and beautiful. And green. It's a light but dark happy green. I won. It's amazing!
Anything is possible. You just have to prove to your self that you can do it. Right? So even the smallest and most insigntficant of victories over a fear are the first steps.
You have to say thank you to the people who pushed you towards it. Thank you! Because without you guys, I'd be really ill. But because you care and fight and are pushy about it, I'm not. Seriously I do not deserve you guys. Thank you so much! Xx
So, I've just spent the past hour trying to battle my way through the barrier in my head from yesterday. And it may have taken me over an hour to eat the smallest amount of pasta ever, but I did it. That's 268 calories more than I intended to eat today. And that's only because I tried so hard to get over the barrier in my head. And I'm happy that I did it. It will sound insane that it was really hard. But it happened. I have actually done it.
Yes, I still feel incredibly guilty because I ate. But I did it. I got over a thought. It may seem like the smallest thing to so many people, but to me it's amazing. Because it was such a small amount, it's not going to make me or others fat. But because it's a small amount it seems insignificant. But it's something to work on to work on right?
The fear is still ruling my mind. But the smallest victory over it is so green. It's like the colour of the fresh grass. It's bright and beautiful. And green. It's a light but dark happy green. I won. It's amazing!
Anything is possible. You just have to prove to your self that you can do it. Right? So even the smallest and most insigntficant of victories over a fear are the first steps.
You have to say thank you to the people who pushed you towards it. Thank you! Because without you guys, I'd be really ill. But because you care and fight and are pushy about it, I'm not. Seriously I do not deserve you guys. Thank you so much! Xx
Hung Up On Thoughts
Sorry, but I'm still hung up on the fact that popcorn squeaks! It's wrong and unnatural! Food should not squeak! That's for mice and other small, fluffy, cute rodents. Not food! Food does not squeak! It's wrong!
It's just like when I was given popping candy years ago. Wrong! Who seriously likes to see thousands of peachish stars explode? Who? It's wrong. Food should not make stars appear! It's wrong! And terrifying! I never want to see any colour come from a food because it makes a sound! Ever! Explosions are for explosive things and squeaking is for rodents. Not food! It's just wrong!
So on the subject of food, it's really hard to eat something if I don't know the calories in it. As before mentioned. And yesterday was difficult. But I did it. And it feels good to have eaten something with out knowing the calories, although I can make a guess of around 200-300. It was hard. But I'm glad people pushed me to do it. Thank you. I won't do it again, because today it's got into my head that they were worth thousands, despite the fact that I know it's not, and I know I won't eat anywhere near as much as I usually do because it's got into my head that it was worth 2000-3000 as opposed to 200-300. That's how warped my mind has become because of this fear.
So, why don't I eat today then? I physically cannot bring myself to. Even though I know roughly how much I ate yesterday, I can't get over the fact that it seems like more because of what it was that I ate. It's terrifying. I can't bring myself to eat anything because I'm scared to. Really scared. And it doesn't matter how hungry I get. I'm too scared to eat. And yesterday, I was quite terrified by the idea of eating what I ate. But I did it. So why can't I eat now? I won't. But I want to. But I can't. But I should. But it's terrifying. But I really should. But it's bad for you. But I have to.
I can't bring myself to eat, because I'm terrified of it all going wrong.
On a more awesomely awesome note, another one of my mates is 16 today. Her voice is a delicate rose yellow. It is like the colour of the rose petals you get that are yellow. Her voice just seems so delicate, despite the fact that she is as loud as anything and as feisty as a feisty thing. But her voice always seems as if it's going to break because it's such a light, delicate yellow colour. That particular shade of yellow always means hardworking and passionate. Which I suppose she is. But then again, her voice would look nice in any colour because she is so versatile. Does that make sense? She is always different but always the same. And it means that her voice could be any colour so long as it's a light, delicate, pastel sort of colour. But I think yellow suits her best because if you change the colours around in your head and think of her voice, the other colours look right, but her voice wouldn't be yellow if it wasn't supposed to be.
Sorry, that probably makes no sense. But anyway, Happy Birthday!
It's just like when I was given popping candy years ago. Wrong! Who seriously likes to see thousands of peachish stars explode? Who? It's wrong. Food should not make stars appear! It's wrong! And terrifying! I never want to see any colour come from a food because it makes a sound! Ever! Explosions are for explosive things and squeaking is for rodents. Not food! It's just wrong!
So on the subject of food, it's really hard to eat something if I don't know the calories in it. As before mentioned. And yesterday was difficult. But I did it. And it feels good to have eaten something with out knowing the calories, although I can make a guess of around 200-300. It was hard. But I'm glad people pushed me to do it. Thank you. I won't do it again, because today it's got into my head that they were worth thousands, despite the fact that I know it's not, and I know I won't eat anywhere near as much as I usually do because it's got into my head that it was worth 2000-3000 as opposed to 200-300. That's how warped my mind has become because of this fear.
So, why don't I eat today then? I physically cannot bring myself to. Even though I know roughly how much I ate yesterday, I can't get over the fact that it seems like more because of what it was that I ate. It's terrifying. I can't bring myself to eat anything because I'm scared to. Really scared. And it doesn't matter how hungry I get. I'm too scared to eat. And yesterday, I was quite terrified by the idea of eating what I ate. But I did it. So why can't I eat now? I won't. But I want to. But I can't. But I should. But it's terrifying. But I really should. But it's bad for you. But I have to.
I can't bring myself to eat, because I'm terrified of it all going wrong.
On a more awesomely awesome note, another one of my mates is 16 today. Her voice is a delicate rose yellow. It is like the colour of the rose petals you get that are yellow. Her voice just seems so delicate, despite the fact that she is as loud as anything and as feisty as a feisty thing. But her voice always seems as if it's going to break because it's such a light, delicate yellow colour. That particular shade of yellow always means hardworking and passionate. Which I suppose she is. But then again, her voice would look nice in any colour because she is so versatile. Does that make sense? She is always different but always the same. And it means that her voice could be any colour so long as it's a light, delicate, pastel sort of colour. But I think yellow suits her best because if you change the colours around in your head and think of her voice, the other colours look right, but her voice wouldn't be yellow if it wasn't supposed to be.
Sorry, that probably makes no sense. But anyway, Happy Birthday!
Thursday, 5 September 2013
Where To Go...
I know that there are thousands of people who have wanted to kill themselves and I know that there are thousands of people who starve themselves and count calories. And to do something about it feels fantastic. And what happens next, is entirely down to that person!
When I eat, I feel guilty. Incredibly guilty. Guilt is a strong yellow. It's like an acrylic yellow you get, sort of like the shade of those hideous plastic boxes. It's edges are tinged with brown circles. The brown is almost like the shade of the bruise you get on bananas. Guilt builds up in tiny little squares. It starts to build up in the bottom of your thought and ends up deep in the centre of your head. So every time I eat more than a set number of calories (900), I feel so guilty I have to burn off twice the amount I have eaten and on the now rare occasion I will throw it up. That stops the guilt.
I am not going to lie, but I have to know how many calories I have eaten or will be eating as otherwise I won't eat. And I do try to eat, although the feeling of starvation is amazing. I try to eat because it is what is best for others, although I hate myself just a little bit more every time I finish a meal. It's that feeling that you have gone over the amount you are supposed to eat and the fear that you will somehow not only make yourself fat, but others too. And I know that it's not real. But the fear is there.
Fear is a deep reddish-orange. The red is a bright scarlet red, but then muted down by black. And the orange is like the deep purple you get on velvet, but orange. That will make no sense but I can't think of anything with the right shade. But that is fear. And the colour is so intense, there is no way to escape it. It is always there. Never leaves. It shades my thoughts in that colour and everything I do, the fear of, it's not even food, the fear of guilt, maybe? Well that fear is constantly there. And I would love for it to go.
So counting calories is one way to combat it in a way. It shows the colour that I have control. And that my thoughts don't have to be the shade. They can be free to shade themselves accordingly. But then counting calories has got out of control because I won't eat it unless I know the amount of calories that are in it. Fear has won again.
Fear is now ruling everything. Everything I do, the amount of calories burnt and the amount taken in is always on my mind. The guilt and the feeling of being disgusting that accompanies eating is over whelming. The constant battle to lose weight so that others don't get fat too. What started of as only feeling guilty as turned into something full of a lot more fear.
I have tried so hard to get over myself and this stupid fear. But I can't. And it is disappointing. I thought I'd been doing well by gaining a small amount of weight, but now that the thought has embedded itself deep in the centre of my brain, to be honest, I am petrified and will do anything to lose ten times the amount I have gained. It is controlling my life. And I can't deal with it.
The people who are closest to me don't know this. I'm getting good at hiding it again. But a fair few of them will read this, and guys... This is how I am telling you I am struggling to get over this. Hopefully this and the one on starvation has given you a bit of an insight to why.
Help me somebody. Please.
I am not going to lie, but I have to know how many calories I have eaten or will be eating as otherwise I won't eat. And I do try to eat, although the feeling of starvation is amazing. I try to eat because it is what is best for others, although I hate myself just a little bit more every time I finish a meal. It's that feeling that you have gone over the amount you are supposed to eat and the fear that you will somehow not only make yourself fat, but others too. And I know that it's not real. But the fear is there.
Fear is a deep reddish-orange. The red is a bright scarlet red, but then muted down by black. And the orange is like the deep purple you get on velvet, but orange. That will make no sense but I can't think of anything with the right shade. But that is fear. And the colour is so intense, there is no way to escape it. It is always there. Never leaves. It shades my thoughts in that colour and everything I do, the fear of, it's not even food, the fear of guilt, maybe? Well that fear is constantly there. And I would love for it to go.
So counting calories is one way to combat it in a way. It shows the colour that I have control. And that my thoughts don't have to be the shade. They can be free to shade themselves accordingly. But then counting calories has got out of control because I won't eat it unless I know the amount of calories that are in it. Fear has won again.
Fear is now ruling everything. Everything I do, the amount of calories burnt and the amount taken in is always on my mind. The guilt and the feeling of being disgusting that accompanies eating is over whelming. The constant battle to lose weight so that others don't get fat too. What started of as only feeling guilty as turned into something full of a lot more fear.
I have tried so hard to get over myself and this stupid fear. But I can't. And it is disappointing. I thought I'd been doing well by gaining a small amount of weight, but now that the thought has embedded itself deep in the centre of my brain, to be honest, I am petrified and will do anything to lose ten times the amount I have gained. It is controlling my life. And I can't deal with it.
The people who are closest to me don't know this. I'm getting good at hiding it again. But a fair few of them will read this, and guys... This is how I am telling you I am struggling to get over this. Hopefully this and the one on starvation has given you a bit of an insight to why.
Help me somebody. Please.
Monday, 2 September 2013
Starvation
This will sound ever so slightly deranged and anorexic, but very few things match the pleasure and delight that accompanies the feeling of starvation. Not to watch someone starve, but to physically feel it. It is undoubtedly one of the best feelings in the world!
Starvation itself is a shade of turquoise. Its the colour of the sea, a clear sea, when the sun beats down on it, and the sea weed is only just visible from where you are stood. It is so clear but at the same time so full of colour you can't see anything. It is greener on the edges, but slowly melts into this one truly fantasticly fantastical colour that is just so captivatingly beautiful!
So to feel that, to sense that and to see that for every waking moment it's just so wonderful! You feel it right in the centre of your chest. It's an overall sensory feeling that you never want to go away. The colour is so rare and beautiful that you want to hold on to it no matter what. And that feeling you get inside you... It's irreplaceable! Nothing that makes you so empty and hollow should make you feel so complete. But it does. It is... Well there are no words that can fit into any pattern, colour, shape or dance that will ever describe how much of a perfect feeling it is.
Now, putting aside the way I see starvation, it is horrible to watch. There are people across the world who are starving because they cannot afford food and there is not enough food to go around. They would do anything to have the food that is provided for us!
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