I'm not ashamed to feel like a fat human and do something about it. I'm not ashamed to go down kicking and screaming as I do everything I can to be thin. I don't care. Not any more.
I love my friends and I love them with my whole heart. But this feeling inside, I hate. And it's telling me that I'm fat and I have to agree with it because it's never truly gone away.
Yes, it's hypocritical, but I'm fighting for others not too feel the same way that I do. I'm fighting for other people not to ruin their lives over it.
I know that it's going to hurt my family. But at the same time, they are naive. It's all going to be okay one day. Bring on the fight. And I'm not ashamed. Not any more. Bring it!
Wednesday 4 February 2015
Sunday 1 February 2015
Dark Days
Everyone has good and bad days right? Days where they are filled with hope and determination and then those days where they just don't care about anything and they see nothing but a void of swirls of black and gold a psychedelic sort of way that lead to the deep grey smog of depression. But make every day a swirling death depression day and coat it in an exterior of false pretences. That's been 80% of the days I've had since I started college.
It's taken me till now to realise how desperately unhappy I am. Its not because of any event or any person or even the fact that I have bipolar. It's because I disappoint myself. There are so many things that are wrong with me and there are so many things that I have done, out of my own free will, that I regret. And I hate myself for it. I really do.
I bet everyone gets up with the goal to do something that day. Something that they need or want to do, and most people do it. But the last time I did something that I set out to do was so long ago. The last time I did a piece of homework before 4 in the morning was secondary school. The last time I had any motivation for learning was secondary school. To quote Noah and the Whale "Everyone has one chance to fuck up their lives", and I'm f***ing up mine right now. And I shouldn't be. Now is too important and that's why I'm so disappointed.
I have just enough motivation to get up and walk to the bus stop in the mornings. I don't have the energy to sit through a lesson or the bus journey. It sucks. I used to love education and learning and trying to be the best. Now, I'm a disappointment and a failure. I just want to be good enough and motivated enough to achieve something. I want to be a chemist of some kind. I want to do really well in my A-levels. I want to be less scary. But that's just not happening right now.
I say I have no motivation, but I have the will-power to not eat. I don't eat on week days. Putting that one out there, I've gone backwards and hell, let me stay there for a while as it's giving me some fight. I am fighting to do the things that I love: music and karate and endless research on how to be thin. Yes, I'm being a hypocrite with all my campaigning about body image, but to me it's comforting.
I have control over this one part of my life. Nobody but me is telling me what to do. Nobody but me is making me reach deadlines. I am pushing myself to become an athlete again. I am going to do this. I know that I will get there. I get up on a Saturday and walk the 3.2 miles to karate and back. I run or cycle every day. I am motivated enough not to eat food, yet I have no motivation to do the things that will help me build a good life. Messed up.
So my days are dark. I disappoint myself daily and I have that depression cloud hanging over my head everyday and it's pretty much taken my life again. So goodbye manic, fun me. Hello to the girl who has to fight herself everyday just to get up of the floor and get out the door. I've missed you.
It's taken me till now to realise how desperately unhappy I am. Its not because of any event or any person or even the fact that I have bipolar. It's because I disappoint myself. There are so many things that are wrong with me and there are so many things that I have done, out of my own free will, that I regret. And I hate myself for it. I really do.
I bet everyone gets up with the goal to do something that day. Something that they need or want to do, and most people do it. But the last time I did something that I set out to do was so long ago. The last time I did a piece of homework before 4 in the morning was secondary school. The last time I had any motivation for learning was secondary school. To quote Noah and the Whale "Everyone has one chance to fuck up their lives", and I'm f***ing up mine right now. And I shouldn't be. Now is too important and that's why I'm so disappointed.
I have just enough motivation to get up and walk to the bus stop in the mornings. I don't have the energy to sit through a lesson or the bus journey. It sucks. I used to love education and learning and trying to be the best. Now, I'm a disappointment and a failure. I just want to be good enough and motivated enough to achieve something. I want to be a chemist of some kind. I want to do really well in my A-levels. I want to be less scary. But that's just not happening right now.
I say I have no motivation, but I have the will-power to not eat. I don't eat on week days. Putting that one out there, I've gone backwards and hell, let me stay there for a while as it's giving me some fight. I am fighting to do the things that I love: music and karate and endless research on how to be thin. Yes, I'm being a hypocrite with all my campaigning about body image, but to me it's comforting.
I have control over this one part of my life. Nobody but me is telling me what to do. Nobody but me is making me reach deadlines. I am pushing myself to become an athlete again. I am going to do this. I know that I will get there. I get up on a Saturday and walk the 3.2 miles to karate and back. I run or cycle every day. I am motivated enough not to eat food, yet I have no motivation to do the things that will help me build a good life. Messed up.
So my days are dark. I disappoint myself daily and I have that depression cloud hanging over my head everyday and it's pretty much taken my life again. So goodbye manic, fun me. Hello to the girl who has to fight herself everyday just to get up of the floor and get out the door. I've missed you.
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