Stuck in the Mud

I can't think of a way to say this. That's happening a lot at the moment. Finding the right words and putting words together to make them fit. But here its conveying it in the right way. I have a word document that I use when I can't get the words out or when I feel that it's something I can't share with what could potentially be complete strangers or the wrong person. But this doesn't fit that. So if I put it the wrong way or say something that doesn't make sense or come across as rude, I'm sorry but I tried my best.

The sad thing is that you have a family. Yes my family loves me and I love parts of them. But family shouldn't literally throw or throw any act of kindness back in your face. They shouldn't be aggressive or make personal comments that are to do with the things you've struggled with.. Now this may be me being a moany self centred witch and you may say that it's just family being family. But it's not. They hurt you day after day. And it's all four of them. My sisters not around not, but when she is here her and my brother make jokes at my expense. And they hurt. They're not kind. By brother treats me like dirt when its just family around and even more when he is showing off to his friends. My dad is a nasty drunk. Very rarely do I see him sober. And when he is sober he has two versions of himself. The nice funny man, the caring kind nurse and then there is the nasty man who shouts and belittles you. My mum and I get along most of the time when we are together, which is rare. They criticize me and the fact that my parents are out or hammered most days of the week its down to me to cook and clean and yet they throw it back at me. Yes they are good people, but they have little respect and awareness. My mum sits there and slags of religion, particularly Christianity, and yet if I try to defend it or poke fun at her hippy beliefs, she jumps down my throat and is very nasty about it. Friends say get out of the house and go stay with a friend. But they're either too far away and most likely busy. So it feels like you're stuck. Stuck in the mud. Thats what it feels like. Your heart is weighed down in mud and you're stuck there in the sticky mud.

Then there are the people I care about, but it feels like they don't care half as much. Add that to the feeling like someone you are so close to is pulling away from you and you feel hollow and alone. And this has been a while. This hollow hollow feeling. And it just gets bigger. Its a peach-orange that gets so dark that its almost black in places. So here it is.  Hollow and lonely and trapped. Always good.

I Understand Now

I understand now. I understand what it's been like for everyone when I was in a bad place. There's someone you care about and you don't know how to go about helping them. You know what's eating them up inside. But you just don't know how to help them. And it makes you sad. I get it now.

It's horrible to sit back and watch somebody you care about struggle and feel down. You understand where they are coming from and know how they feel. That's the funny thing, you know how they're feeling. You totally understand. It's something that you're still trying to get better from. But they're not ill with it. They're just insecure and upstart about it and are feeling bad about themselves. So you do know how to help. You know what to say but you don't. You hate to see them hurting but you don't know what to say to make it better.

Please just let me know. I hate your words being a light cloudy grey tinged with a light baby blue. It's horrible to see you sad. To see you hurting. But don't hide it. I want to help you. But I get how powerless you felt. I know that no matter what anyone says and no matter how hard you try to believe it, it just doesn't go in. Because you can't help but find fault with yourself and always link it back to this one thing. And it eats you up.

Listen to me, you are a perfect human the way you are and you needn't worry. There is no point in comparing yourself to anyone else as every human is different.

So I just wanted you to know that I understand. I know how frustrating and powerless it is to watch it happen to someone. How that orange the colour of the insides of a pumpkins makes you feel so frustrated that this person isn't seeing what you see. I get it. And I'll be here for you when ever you need me. I promise. I understand you now. Please believe me when I say that you are fine the way you are. More than fine. And it doesn't matter if your 20 stone or solid muscle or as thin as a tooth pick or just you, as you are perfect the way you are and you don't need to change a thing about yourself. Hand on heart.

Finding the Words

Despite the fact that I'm not alone, I just feel it. It does feel like I'm just talking to a screen and never to a person. And I'm told to change this. To talk to my friends, but we have drifted apart so much that I'm shy around them and it should be like that. And it's my own fault really. I let my self get caught up in this green emerald and silver world that I've been living in since September. Yeah, it hasn't all been good, but I've got caught up in it, like a fish in a net. 

So it's my own fault that my friends don't seem that way. I'm caught up and I'm shy of my own friends. I don't know if we still know each other like we used to and I don't know if we are close or not. I guess it's my own fault and I guess I have to put aside the feeling that I can't make it better as we don't know each other and it feels shy to approach them. 

It's a funny ol thing. Floating on a boat in the middle of a perfect blue ocean and not being able to reach the boat where everyone is partying. But then again it's peaceful. But then you know that when you make it back to shore that the party's will begin and you just don't feel comfortable to go to them. 

It kinda feels a bit like the colour of a really bold pale blue-green. When it's just that colour and another it feels comfortable. But then anywhere else with more than one colour it feels forced to make it work. And it always feels like an outsider in a group or a third wheel to a pair. It just doesn't seem fair to others to be around them. It's not fair on that colour as it's a really nice block colour but it only shines when with another colour.