Happy, Miserable Hypocrite

My day started out as being fabulous. It was happy and up beat and pretty darn awesome. I had so much energy and felt quite literally on top of the world. I seriously thought that nothing was going to bring me down. Nothing would ruin the high that I was on. The beautiful colour of happiness was spreading through me and filling me with this untouchable happiness and love. Today I loved everything and everyone as much as my own life.  Seriously nothing phased me. Not even mucking up in German. That would have dampened my mood on any other day.

But one of my best mates was feeling miserable. Now I understand why seeing others down brings him down. It didn't bring me down. But it did hurt to see him having and off day. I did try to make him smile, but to be honest, I'm very bad at doing that. And telling him to cheer up and its not all doom and gloom was very hypocritical of me. When I said this he just raised his eyebrows and gave me that look. But seriously, dude you are one of my favourite people on this planet. Planet only because I know aliens. Smile! Luv ya dude!

So I was perfectly happy until about three o'clock. I started to panic about what I had to do before five. I was freaking about it. Being honest I delayed it until about half four. I did not want to do it. But I did. There was this little voice in my head telling me no, just lie about it. Say you did it. But then there was this part of me that wanted to do it. Right thing to do. So I did it. And now all I have to do it stick to my guns and follow through with it. I know that I will. But I don't think I will if I freak out and don't talk about it. So that made me miserable. The battle in my head. It is not over and I hope I keep on wining.

So yeah. That battle is still raging in my head. And it is a pretty darn miserable one. It's bringing me down. Darn head. But who said life was easy? Well who ever said it, you're wrong. So darn wrong. Giving false hope to people. You mean bean. But in the mean time, while I'm hunting for you, I'm going to try and bring myself back up and stop squandering in all my sorrow. That seems like a sensible thing to do.

TURIN BRAKES!

Turin Brakes are amazing! They write some beautiful music. Yes, the lyrics are odd and dark, but the music itself is so amazing. I love their music as much as life itself! It is so awesome!

So I spent my afternoon in a small, crowded record shop just to listen to them play a few songs. It was amazing! They are really short and funny. But it was the best forty-five minutes of my life! They played a few songs, four or five. Three from their new album: 'We were hear' and two from older albums. It was AMAZING!

Now, being the stalker of a fan I am, I got all three of my albums signed (They have six, but the other three are on the computer) and I got my picture with them! They are really nice guys!

So the music itself is what made me fall in love with them. The lead singer, Olly Knights, has a voice that makes my knees go weak. It is a gorgeous shade of green. It is rich and like the colour of an emerald. It has that glorious green shine to it. It is so deep and gentle and beautiful. It just engulfs you in a veil of greenness.
And then you have the light green Tuesday of the guitar and the slightly more greener-green of the other guitar in those zigzags. And the dark blue of the harmony that Olly does with Gale. Gales voice is such a lovely peaceful blue. It is a dark sapphireish blue. Maybe a bit lighter and less deep and more see through.  And the circles of the drums in the pinkish-red that just dance around. And the gentle explosion of stars in a cascade of orange and rose and indigo from the tambourine with the bells on. And the tiny, tiny, tiny triangles with rounded edges of the maraca that swirl in a washed out orange and red rain like down wards spiral, like the things you get in gardens that seem to disappear after a certain point. It just all interlocks so beautifully.

And then the violet hue that just melts into it. The love they show for their music is unreal. It is just so magical. It blends really well and it just looks so beautiful. Their music does sound slightly ethereal, but it is amazing and so unique it is impossible not to fall in love with it.

So here are some videos and pictures of the gig. Sorry about my poop singing in the background and stuff. But it was contagious!!

Well, there are a few videos. There are four of them, but to be honest, you're probably bored and the filming is so poor you aren't even listening. And I can't get them to upload. So ya know. But it was an amazing day! I LOVE IT!

Thinking...

So everyone has a different state of mind. Everyone thinks in different ways and everyone has a totally different way of looking at things. Some people understand things better than others and others understand totally different things. If everyone had the same state of mind, it would be boring. Very boring.

Understanding what goes on inside other peoples minds is not the easiest thing to do. To see the world or something from their point of view is one thing, but to understand the way they think and perhaps why is another thing entirely. Now, I may just be stupid, but I don't think a lot of people take the time to try and understand why people think the way they do. I mean, for example, how many of you have taken time to think about why someone does some of the things they do? I know it is not how the vast majority of people choose to spend their day, but I think that it is important that people do understand why people behave in certain ways.

If people could have this little machine that allowed them to live in another persons head for a day, I think there would be less arguments and people would understand things far better. If people lived in my head for a day, they'd go mad. All the colours that they would see and all the shapes. But then again, they would be able to understand things fully. Like why it is essential that I can run at least once a week. Seriously, if people would just let me run I would be far happier and possibly less hyper. Just once a week. It would make everything so much easier. See, in my head, unless I do exercise I'm going to get fat. And I know people see that as ridiculous, but I can't help thinking like that. It is just torched onto my brain that unless I exercise, I will get fat. It is this fear of food and being unable to exercise that drives me mad. But what do I value more: being able to control exercise and food, or having amazing mates who are just so darn awesome? Hmmm... Mates, most definitely. But the other is very very important.

But that is besides the point. If people took the time to ask "why?" and take a moment to try and see it through another persons eyes, then life would be far simpler. I mean, I get why my mates do things and get pissed of ect. I see why they see things in a certain way. I hope I've got it right. Otherwise I'm going to feel like a right numpty.

So yeah. This post was really just to fill up some of my time. And it was ponderous. I haven't written down most of the pondering because it is a load of waffle. But still, thinking and understanding why others may do something is an important people skill. People's minds are very complex and interesting things. Now it sounds funny. Meh.

Rock Man!

So I have the 'spesh' friend who I talk to in deranged noises. And I have the friend who makes me smile just because he is alive probably. He has been like a rock. A very tall rock. A very tall, talking rock. A very tall, talking, funny rock. Except he is not a rock.. That would be strange. I shall call him: Rock Man!

Anyho, Rock Man is a very caring person. He cares a lot about his friends and he tries to help them out in any way possible. He is trustworthy and honest. And is very amusing. Rock Man is always the person I have serious conversations with. We do have random ones, funny ones and strange ones. But they're mostly serious. Or the ones I remember are. I talk to Rock Man a lot.

I love Rock Mans voice. Man, it's beautiful and green and amazing. I've written about it quite a few times. So go and read about it. But I suppose that's one of the reasons I talk to Rock Man a lot, his voice is just stunning. It's green! And yes, I do talk to you because you're an awesome person.

But yeah, Rock Man is always the guy who I talk to about serious stuff. Don't know why. Well I do. It's because I trust him and I listen to him, although he may not think that. But I do listen to him. I honestly don't know how Rock Man puts up with all this stuff everyone off loads onto him? He is a superhero. Oh my gosh, yes... ROCK MAN! Awesome. But it is totally admirable. Man, he is simply the best.

We have the best conversations. When they're not all doom and gloom. They make me laugh. Especially when he is brutally honest. He says it how it is and hits the nail on the head every time.

Rock Man, we salute you!

Do We Ever Have Serious Conversations?

I have this friend who I never seem to be able to have a serious conversation. We always seem to make stupid noises at each other. Come to think of it, I don't think we have ever said more than a few words without making a stupid sound. Our texts and skype conversations mostly consist of stupid noises. We are that cool!

It's like we have our own language. It's that awesome! Our eyes melt at anything that is not a stupid noise or three letter word. He is a 'spesh' person. Fabulous and 'spesh'. He is so funny and kind. And his laugh... It's very unique. Like you! 

Our conversation yesterday consisted of animal noises. Man that was fun. And yet it was so deep and meaningful. We had another one where we made disgruntled noises. "Meh, gar, erg, arg, ahh." Just so you know. And today it seems to be along the lines of "lalalalalalalalalalalala" or something. See how meaningful and deep they are. 

We also hug a lot. They often end in us almost falling over. Or they are long hugs that are awesome. It was funny, I got accused of taking one of my best mates boyfriend away and he got accused of cheating on her with me because we hug a lot. But I'm sorry, I'm not a whore-mean-bitch person. An he is a very loyal person and loves his girlfriend. They are so cute.

So, me and my mate spend most of our time making very stupid noises at each other or hugging or messing about and saying very little to each other. I love him. He is utterly deranged in the nicest possible way. Oink! Moo! Baa! So I come to the conclusion that we NEVER have serious conversations and NEVER will! It is beyond us. Too much effort. :D 

Trust

Trust is the foundation for any sort of relationship in love. With out it, well you're going nowhere in life. You trust your friends to be there, to help, to be awesome. You trust your doctor to make the right call. You trust a heart surgeon to keep you alive. You have to trust other people, or life is just not going to work well for you. But then again you have to be trusted by other people in life or you are stuck. So damn stuck.

But when the trust you place in people is broken, man that is heart breaking. You feel a chill that touches the very core of you. So many emotions rush through you. You feel so many things but at the same time so dead. Next you are crashed into by a wave of an unbearable heat that just touches the surface of you. Then you're alone. Everything comes crashing down. All this dark red- the same colour as the word velvet. You're broken by the end of it. Heart break. And on top of that you feel like you are being torn in half by a tug of war game. Yellowish-pink stitches burst and you feel like someone is cutting you up with a saw. That's when your trust is broken. It is a horrible feeling.

Image from leadingwithtrust.com

Now saying all of that, trust itself is yellowy-blue. No it's not green. I would have written that otherwise. But it is a dark blue that is swirled in a clockwise direction with a yellow. It only mixes very slightly where it touches. It has the texture of acrylic paint after it has dried. It has different levels and is all up and down. Okay, it probably doesn't sound very nice, but believe me when I say it is.

So we've all had our trust broken right? It makes you feel like you could never trust someone again. And to be honest with you, it still feels like that sometimes. I trust people, but if they broke that trust... I don't know. Depends what it was. But people always used to break my trust in them. The mean beans. So forgive me if I'm selective with who I trust. The last person to break my trust, well I tried to push him down some stairs. The mean bean he was. Grrrr.

But being the hypocrite I am, I break peoples trust. Far too often to be fair. It is a bad habit of mine. A very bad habit. I wouldn't be surprised to wake up one day and find that people have left me and don't trust me. That's why I'm trying to change my ways. I can't live without human contact from people who take me for who I am. Sounds silly, but it hurts when people don't trust you. It makes you feel alone. Nobody wants to be alone in life. That's just plain miserable.

So trust is the foundation for everything in life. Trust, be trustworthy and don't trust the wrong people. Happy to say the people who I trust haven't broken that trust. This is such a hypocritical post. People just don't trust me. Ahhh well. Changing my ways. Now that sounds funny. TRUST!

I Don't Know

I just don't know what to do any more. Life may be the most beautiful and awesome thing in the entire of everything. But you can't help but feel lost. Really lost. People get fed up of one another. They seem to do things for their own gain. I don't know. Where has everything gone?

There are things we don't tell anyone in life. We all have secrets and we all lie. No matter ho honest we are with one another, we still hide things. We still fill ourselves with a black sooty fog. We all do it. Man, there are so many secrets that I sit on. I still hide things. Who doesn't? Nobody is completely honest with themselves are they? But sometimes there are things we just want to share. We just want to get rid of all our secrets. But we don't know how people would react to them.

In an ideal world, they would sit and listen and accept. In reality... well... every individual is different and they react in different ways. Really different ways. But that's the beauty of being an individual, you are you. You are who you are!

So is hiding things and keeping secrets tightly locked up the best thing to do? For me, it seems like the only thing I have ever done: hide and keep secrets. I guess it feels safe in a strange way. If people knew what I thought and felt and did all the time, I'm pretty sure they would kill me after ten seconds. But I suppose we all would.

It's funny how after hiding everything for so long eats you up inside. The past is the past, but it still haunts you. People will still look at you for you for your past. I hate that. I don't know. But breaking this is harder than it seems. I've written about the past. But still, I don''t really write about the present. I couldn't say how I felt right this moment in time without feeling like a wall is going to squash me. It's funny that. It makes you feel lost.

Secrets and lies. It is a never ending circle. Hiding things. I used to hide things pretty well. Always put on a happy, smiling face and people never look twice. I don't know if that still applies. I guess not now I have said it. But when you put on that face people think that everything is fine. Well sometimes it is not. Sometimes you're having a party in your head and other times it's so empty and lonely. And people would never notice. That's a secret of mine. But yeah, I guess I don't do that as much any more.

Secrets are bad people. Hiding things is bad. Yes I am perhaps the biggest hypocrite ever, but trying to change your ways has to count for something?

That Wasn't Me

Yeah, the post I wrote this morning wasn't really me. Well it was. But it wasn't me talking.  Well it was. But it wasn't fully me. After reading it, it doesn't seem like it was me. I want to get better. That wasn't me. Not properly me.

Sometimes, quite a bit of the time, it doesn't feel like it's me in my head telling me what to think. It feels like my mind has a mind of its own. A little voice that says "No! Don't eat that! Do more exercise! You'll get fat!" I think that it was that part of me.

I mean, I do agree with me. I do agree with what it says but the more awesome part of me doesn't as let's face it, starvation and over exercising is not good. I really want to get better, but I also want to be able to run and exercise. It's so hard. It's not me, but at the same time it is me.

So yeah. That post was me. But this post is the logical me who knows it's wrong. That post wasn't much of that me. But I want to run still. It's like my heart has been ripped from my chest. It's not. But it would be so much easier if I could run. Even if it was once a week and for half an hour. Or just for a bit. Until someone says stop. That part was the me me. Not the other me. If that makes sense. But I think that it would be easier and more manageable in my head if I could run. Just saying.

Outlook

Right. So I am writing this on this slightly over cast Friday morning as there is a lot to think about before I even go anywhere or do anything. There is a kind of semi state of panic going through my mind. No I lie, it's a bit more than that.

Okay. So today people are going to look at me like "whoa, what's up with you? Did you swallow a whale?" See in my head this morning I am horrible and whale like. I feel quite large and I look it. I have to exercise (what I'm doing right now) for as long as I can and as hard as I can. My poor bike is going to be tired. But I feel really panicked by what I've eaten in the past 12 hours. I mean bread is just off the lost for ever now. So is most dairy and all sweet food. It makes me feel so horrible.

Seriously, people are just going to look at me really funny today. I must have put on loads of weight. I look horrible. I feel disgusting and evil. I honestly don't think I can eat anything today. It just all looks so evil and mean. And so full of calories. Ahhh. I really need to burn them off before I set out the door. It's cool. I have half an hour yet.

This probably sounds really stupid to you all. But food just makes me panic. It will be a miracle if I eat between now and Saturday. No joke. I feel so disgusting. I want to rip out my insides and my heart and brain and get rid of them. I hate this so much. I have to get rid of it or others and myself will suffer. Just the smell of food. No. It's bad and wrong. I have to exercise. I can't eat. Just look at me? I look fricken disgusting! That's because I am.

I want to get rid of every calorie that has entered my system in the past two days. It scares me. People look at me funny. I have to do this. I can't eat anything. I physically can't. I have to work it off. An average person burns 1,500 calories just doing nothing all day. So if you eat less than that you'll lose weight. Take the 500 away as that is how much your brain uses. Then another 100 to give you a margin to go over just slightly. That leaves 900 calories a day. I want to half it to 450. Maybe 500. A person can live on that.

People just don't get it. They don't see what I see or feel what I feel. So the outlook for today: panic, annoy a few people with this by accident (face it, a fair few of the people I know are not going to like it), panic. Erg. I feel like such  a disgusting human being. And I won't be allowed to run later either. And I really need to. I need to get rid of this feeling. All this guilt and yellow and self hate. I'll flip if I don't get to run. Just one more time. Please! I really need to do this.

Haha. I'm freaking out again. People will see my like a huge thing. Ahhh. It's really important that I do this. I'm scared. I need to do this. It's really important and saying no is not going to work. Just let me run please. And I promise I won't over do it. I just need to run. Please.

Pondering

I love to ponder. It's the best thing in the world. Although it is highly dangerous. Too much pondering could result in your brain exploding. Or depressing stuff. Bit happy pondering is ponderous! Ponder ponder ponder.

I'm like hyper as tiger on steroids or something. Or like a five year old with loads of sugar. Well then again I'm five at heart and in head. Ahh. J'adore. But there is a reason to this hyperness. See, its not just sugar and caffeine and energy. It's called TURIN BRAKES ARE PLAYING IN BEXHILL AND DOING ALBUM SIGNINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are like my favourite band ever. Just yeah. AND ITS FREE!!!!!!! Sorry, but I'm dying it's too good to be true!! Olly Knights!! Ahhhh!! Their music!! I can't even begin to write about it when I'm like this!! There music is so good!! Happy face!!

So yeah, that's why this will be all higgledy piggledy. But yeah, when you ponder you realise a lot of stuff. My brutally honest mate makes me ponder. Just because what he says is very funny and truthful. Yeah. But it's funny. And I was talking to him once, we talk a lot, I piss him off a lot, meh. But we were talking and I started to ponder what people really thought of me. Never good. And then another time I pondered what my voice looks like. I don't know. Well... I might. But I find it really odd to listen to your own voice like that. It's like whaaa? I'd have to ask someone. I'll do that.

Erg. I feel sick and I want to run. But no. People will get miffed. And that's not fun. Awww. I've had a really blerg day. It's been up and down and crying and hyper. It's like a rollercoaster. Tea. That's what I need. I love you!! Hahaha.

But yeah, pondering... It's fun. Ponder the meaning of life. Such a good movie. Haha. But seriously, life is a beauty and has so much. Everything is so beautiful and there is definitely something out there. And my grandmother, I miss you, taught me to love everything and she taught me about religion. But then she died. Yeah, I miss you. Xx Catholicism is red where as Baptist is blue. Funny that. But anyway, religion is part of a life. Love life. Love Disney!

In Retrospect…

So I'm writing a lot about music at the moment. And I'm writing a lot about music because it's a comfort and a safe thing and I guess with this stuff that's going on I kind of need it and it's really fantastic to have it. This stuff that might happen in life won't happen, not if I can help it because I'm a stubborn bitch.

So in retrospect, the song that fits my Wednesday is 'This Gift' by Glen Hansard. I'm in the mood for his voice at the moment. It fits today because the lyrics mean something.

"This gift will last forever
This gift will never let you down
Some things are made from better stuff
This gift is waiting to be found

Your heart's in wide receiving
Been too long buried in the sand
Some things require leaving
This gift will fall right in your hand
Just try to understand...

If you long enough
And you don't give up
If you're strong enough
And you don't give up
And you...

You'll be no harbor to the sorrow
Just let it go.

Don't hang your head in sorrow
Don't give up just before you win
Don't wait around for tomorrow
Open up your arms and let it in

This gift will last forever
This gift will never let you down
Some things are made from better stuff
This gift is ready to be found
Just you believe it now 

This gift will last forever
This gift will never let you down
Some things are made from better stuff
This gift is ready to be found
Your heart's in wide receiving
Been too long buried in the sand
Some things require believing
These things just fall right in your hand
Just try to understand

If you long enough
And you don't give up
If you're strong enough
And you don't give up"

The lyrics are really beautiful and mean something to me. Because if you don't give up and you don't give in things will get better. But if you give in and take a back seat then nothing will ever improve. And all it takes is for you to be live in yourself. And yes, you may be sad, but don't dwell on it. You have to let it go. And life us a gift and you only have one. So this song means a lot me as on the days like today where I don't feel like I can do it, it's nice to have a bit of inspiration.

I was pretty stupid and incredibly annoying today. I know that. I backed out of something I so shouldn't have. And all because of a little voice in my head that told me to. It told me that it's fine. And yeah. The amount of semi-truths I said to try and cover it up. But some people see right through them. Yeah, I'm finding school really tough, yeah I'm super stressed, yeah I'm really annoyed at people, yeah I'm fed of being reminded of some stuff and that it is how people see me, yeah I'm terrified a lot of the time, but it wasn't what was bugging me. And someone saw through that.

So this song, in an odd way, sums up all the clutter and mess in my head. All the thoughts that are spinning around and making no sense. And it tells me to keep on trying and not to give up. So yeah, life is good and be strong.

Todays Song

'Bird of Sorrow' by Glen Hansard is todays song. And no, it's not Disney. But it is just as beautiful.  The song really means something to me. It really fits today and how everything feels.

Glens voice is a sea of dark green and blue. The green is like the colour of leaves after they have been rained on. It's dark but not too dark. It has shade to it. It's not a block colour like other voices have. The blue is a stormy blue. It is fairly colbolt, but darker. The two shades kind of interlock in this odd way in this jelly beanish sort of motion. There are gaps. There is a touch of a dark violet in the gaps. The whole thing is then washed over with a light, fresh, Tuesdayish green.

The piano underlying the voice spirals and dances around in blue squares. Like a summer sky blue and gradually getting lighter until there is a washed out baby blue. These are the higher notes. Then there is the darker woolly green and the dark brown of beer and a really nice dark violet. But from that G to the second D above middle C it is violet that slowly mixes to the sky blue. That's my favourite octave and a bit.

Then there is the gentle orange hum of the violinish thing and the pink-red-purple beating of the drum kit and the light Tuesday green of the guitar. The whole thing is set on a black background. It's beautiful.

The reason it is today's song is because it's got sad lyrics and a slow tempo but then it builds up into this awesome crash of sound and colour that dances so beautifully. The simplicity and minor key of the piano reflects the feeling of sadness that today has had. The song itself is about Glens mother and how she put up with the drunken rage of his father and how Glen admires her for keeping up hope. And from the aftermath of a fight yesterday, it just fitted today.

The music that Glen writes is so inspirational to me. I love it. I mean where does he find all this emotion to write about? My favourite part is the way he fits "squandered" into it. It's awesome.

So that's today's song. I feel a bit sad but there are some awesome highs. So yeah.

Disappointment

Disappointment is a heavy colour. It's a really heavy, dark, dark purple. It's not really purple as such. It's a greasy, dusty, old-lady purple. It has that look about it like it's been worn so many times and neglected and left to the moths. It is covered in the grey dust of your brains attic, and has that hint of being covered in oil and dirt. It just looks disgusting and dirty and unloved.

Yeah, posted this really because I'm disappointed in myself in some ways for my lack of recent motivation and by the fact I have no attention span. Be nice to have those qualities back. I liked them. Give them back to me you annoying feeling! I want them back! They were fun!

I've Fallen In Love...

I've fallen in love with music! Music is so important. I love to write it, play it and listen to it. My keyboard is a part of my heart as is my iPod. I am so in love with music there is no way back. The colours of the voices in the songs, the colours of the instruments, the way it all looks, the way it feels, the way there is a song to fit every emotion down to the finest detail, ,the way music is so free, they lyrics. Just everything about music makes my heart sing. Ironic that. 

But I don't fall in love with bad music. It has to have meaning and the right balance of colours. The voice has to have something to it. The colour of it has to fit. The instruments have to work together so beautifully that you don't know they are all so different. The lyrics have to be meaningful and clever and have something in them. I love this Indie-Folk mix of music. 'The Frames', 'Turin Brakes', 'Fleet Foxes', 'Russian Red' ect. I love typical country, my personal favourite being 'Josh Turner'- there is just something about his voice- and I love the typical folk of 'Alela Diane'. Then there is the slightly more up beat stuff that I love. But music has to have meaning and passion and fit well together. 

The Frames. Image from mairoseboutique.com

I have a song of the day. It is a song that I listen to that day just because it fits. Today it was 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight' by 'Elton John'. It fitted today because it is happy if you really listen to the lyrics, but the tempo is sad. Today was a sad day, despite how happy I was. The song just seemed to fit it perfectly. 

My song of the day sometimes lasts for weeks. About two months ago it was 'Junkie Song' by 'The Be Good Tanyas'. It fitted because it was so sad and helpless. That doesn't need explaining. But the song didn't change because it fitted so well. Another time '5 Mile (These Are The Days)' was my song for about a month. I think it was because of the lyrics. But music is powerful and can reflect anything.

Disney music is so clever and beautiful. They lyrics have the most meaning. You cannot get better than the clever lyrics of 'Bare Necessities' from 'Jungle Book'. They lyrics are so clever. But the music is beautiful. The older songs are definitely my favourite. Disney is so beautiful. The music, characters, story lines... Disney is amazing. Disney is a pick-me-up and a comfort. As a child you watch Disney. You go to the charity shop and pick up the videos for 50 pence. Disney is something that everybody has in common. It is beautiful.  

Image from startedbyamouse.com

I want to get married to 'You'll Be In My Heart' from 'Tarzan'. I'd love to have a romantic dinner with 'The Little Mermaids' 'Kiss The Girl' playing in the background. On my birthday I'd love to be woken up to 'Under The Sea' playing in Spanish. If a guy ever asks me to marry him, it has to be 'Kiss The Girl' in Italian. When I am feeling down, I text my best mates and put on 'You've Got A Friend In Me'. When I want a good cry, I listen to 'Little April Showers' from 'Bambi'. When I want a laugh or something on goes 'Hakuna Matata' or 'Bibidi Bobidi Boo' or something. Disney fits every emotion and will always play an important part in my life. Love Disney! 

For me, the older movies are the best. Everyone has so much character in itself. The best modern Disney has to be 'Toy Story' or 'Monsters Inc.' Disney spins so many beautiful stories and makes so many childhoods. It is beautiful. Life is not complete without Disney. 

To be perfectly honest, I love music so much I am totally and utterly in love with it. It holds the key to my heart. Live music is my favourite way to listen to music apart from the crowds and drunk people. Seeing 'Noah And The Whale' live was awesome. It's a memory that I will hold forever, but I prefer to sit and watch music, whether it be a busker, a friend or something. Music is so magical. Falling in love with music is so easy and being connected to it is amazing. 

Good music is slowly dwindling as it is replaced by meaningless rap and songs that are written in a studio on a machine. Music should be something that we all love and take time over to create something magical. Who needs studio created sounds when you can get the more natural sounds from an instrument? I love music so much and I think that every song should be created with care and meaning. One of my favourite bands front men made his album on an old recording machine in his living room. He had to record each instrument individually. But before he did that, he had to mend the machine. That is true love for music. 

Music is so important and beautiful. It has been around for so long and will last for ever. It is a gist and beautiful. It is so easy to create music, but to create works of art with music is amazing. Music is amazing and you should love it with your heart! 

Sorry about the amount of links, but music is just too amazing not to link it to anything at all. So ya know. 

Birthday Week End

I spent my brothers birthday cooking him entirely home cooked food. Friday some friends came over to help to bake him some cake, and Saturday morning was spent baking more cake for him.

His obsession with Jaffa Cakes created him a couple of giant jaffa cakes. My friends helped to bake these.

They had some resemblance to a jaffa cake. They had cake, jelly thing, and chocolate. Don't know why he looks so scornful? 

His epic chocolate cup cakes were baked because we discovered we couldn't put candles in chocolate. And you need to have candles on a birthday cake! It's not a birthday cake otherwise... it becomes an ordinary cake!

The tall candles were a fire hazard, so we used sparklers... they wouldn't light. But he got candles.  And that half of a potato on a plate, mum has this obsession with it to see how much it will sprout. Just gross.

We made pasta. That was fun. The pasta machine is so much fun! You put it in and it just gets longer and longer and longer. It is pretty awesome. 

So that was my brothers birthday. A lot of cake was eaten. A lot of pasta was thrown at each other. It was good fun. Happy Birthday!

Nothing Worth Noting

Yeah, nothing worth saying at the moment. Life is amazing. Everything is really good. I've accepted a few things. And it feels really good. I know things that are going to happen, things that might, things that could and things that won't. And I am okay with all of it. 

So take like how it is. It is beautiful. Fill your heart with love. And be honest. Accept all things even if you don't like it. Keep your amazing friendships and hold them close to you. Tell people what you think, you get one shot at everything. Don't be scared to be who you are. Love life to it's full and live it!

I mean just find one thing a day that makes you smile. Today it was explaining why I'm a lizard and baking with my friends. Odd combination, but it was fun. Actually I lie, everything about today made me smile. Even the eating. It just felt good. 

So yeah, I am a lizard because I am always cold and I have to have a constant supply of heat or I get cold so therefore I am cold blooded and a lizard. I am a lizard! And a witch. I'm a witch because I drink herbal tea. 

I'm not actually a lizard or a witch. I'm a human. But see how it makes you smile. Just picture a giggling lamb. Funny right?

I have some things worth posting in the next two days. Some fun things and some achievements. But today is not the day. So you'll have to wait. But live life to it's full! Life is amazing! And ponder people. Ponder, ponder, ponder, ponder. 

Self Harm...

Self harm is a topic that people prefer not to talk about. It's a horrible thing to do to yourself and the only gain from doing it is ultimately scars. But if people took the time to talk about it to the person, then from my experience, it helps as you may be able to understand.

Self harm is a very stupid thing to do. It may not feel like that at the time, but in reflection you'll regret it. And let me tell you, you'll have missed out on so many opportunities and experiences that it is so not worth it.

I'm not going to write this as a list of reasons why not to do it. But if you are someone who self harms or you know someone who does, perhaps you have done it, maybe you are a really bored person with nothing to do, but self harm goes so deep into a persons mind that you're not going to be able to stop it just with a click of your fingers.

People self harm for different reasons. I self harmed because of what was going on in my head. And when you self harm, you are selfish. You don't see how it effects others, you don't really see their pain. You are so blind in your own self pity that you don't really see what's going on around you. Or at least I didn't. Well, not until I looked back.

Another reason why people self harm is because it is a coping mechanism. It helps them cope with what is going on in their life, whether it be depression, family issues, grief, confusion or anything else they are having a hard time dealing with. They run from what is going on. Then when they try to stop harming themselves, they can't. They become dependant on it. And they can't, or find it difficult to stop as they are so used to coping in that way.

Looking back on what I did, I see the bigger picture. But what is more heart breaking, is that someone else in my life is hurting themselves deliberately. It may have started of a way of coping with the death of his mother and the stress of a busy job, but it has now become an illness. And I hate him for it.

This man, he drinks so much. He is hurting himself and he has forgotten why. He forgets things. He forgets who we are, what he's done and why he did it. He forgets who he is. He lets the alcohol take over. Sometimes he is so lost, we don't see him for weeks. He is addicted and this illness is ruining him.

He is such a nice man. He has a big heart and is a fantastic man. He is excellent at his job and loves us. He helps people for a living. He is funny and caring. He would never hurt a fly.

But when he drinks that changes. He is hurting himself. Again and again and again.

Self harm is nothing to be proud of. It messes with your head. It has so many risks. Infection, death, losing people you care about. It is not something you should ever do. You should never burn, or cut or hurt yourself in anyway. It breaks you and everyone around you.

The long sleeves in summer and the scars that stay there for a long time afterwards. It's not fun. There is always a better way of finding a way through things.

Life is beautiful! Self harm ruins it. Do you want to ruin your life? Do you want to ruin others? Don't self harm. Life is so good! It is beautiful! Don't be stupid and ever do something you'll regret.

Things can only get better!

It's Magic!

There is so much magic in life. Not the fairy magic, but beautiful magic. Magic that really exists. A beautiful, heart warming, fantastic and life changing magic.

Hugs are magic! Nothing says it's going to be okay or it's fine or thank you or everything will be okay. Hugs are magic. They make you feel safe and happy. They comfort you and make you feel better inside as you know someone cares. Friends give hugs to say 'hey' or simply they give hugs for the sake of it. I love hugs. They are magic and say so much! Magic is real!

Another magical thing in life is happiness! When a smile spreads across your face and you can't help it. True smiles reach your heart! They make you feel so good. Happiness is amazing. It's a blue-green sort of turquoise. It's really green for turquoise, but it's nothing like the colour of starvation. It's less intense and more green. It's almost like the typical turquoise you see. It's warm and comforting. It's really catchy for a colour. When you see it, you don't forget. It's memorable and the colour is like, well it's like this...

It's like the turquoise on that. It's really pretty and happiness is really pretty! To be honest it's amazing. Happiness is awesome people!

You know, the world is so magical. There is definitely something magic about it. Everything is so complicated and beautiful. There is definitely something more to it than the facts and science we know. I love this mystery; it's magical. And you feel it. You feel it in your heart. Nothing is straight forward. Life is too beautiful for it to be coincidence. There has to be something more. Can't you feel it in your heart? You feel it all around you. The colours of the rain, the colour of people's voices, the way emotions appear, the way music is a dance of colours and numbers and letters like to swim and dance! It's beautiful. It can't be just science. There is so much more. Life is just too beautiful and magical to be a chance. I love it's beauty. You see it don't you? You feel it don't you? If you don't, let it into your heart, you'll feel the magic!

See, there is so much magic in life. Hugs, happiness and life itself. Sorry if it's all I talk about, but life is great. Vetter than great. Just open your eyes and heart... LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!

"I dont understand how you dont find me annoying?"

So at the end of this year I'm going to have been friends with one of my girls for seven years! That fact brought tears to my eyes the other day when she mentioned it in maths. She is one of my friends who has stuck by me for better and worse. I've stuck by her such a long time. We have never really fought. She is a very pretty and awesome person.

She asked me the other day why I don't find her annoying. I think she is funny and to be honest I don't think i could ever find her annoying, she's too nice.

Her voice is a beautiful golden-yellow, like honey. It's like the runny honey when it's on a knife. It's really pretty and if light shines on it, the yellow becomes more evident. It has depth to its colour, but at the same time it's delicate. The gold is kind of amber and magical. The edges of her voice are more golden and dark than the centre, but the gold spreads all the way through it.

If her voice was a person, she would be a bold, pretty, and the girl that every other girl wants to be friends with. She gets on with everyone and everyone gets on with her. She has a childish part to her. All of this fits my friend. The only bit that doesn't fit is the golden-brown that is only just visible at the edge of her voice. That bit would mean shallowness. But my friend is such a caring, kind person that that specific colour could never apply to her. She always tries to do right by others.

My friend is amazing, funny, clever, pretty, kind and awesome! She is someone that everyone loves and she is one of the nicest people ever! I love you girl! You make the world a brighter place. Looking forward to seven years of knowing you and your amazingness!! Xxxx

Loving Life!

Right now I love life! It's so beautiful and there are colours everywhere. There are so many people who accept me for me. Life is beautiful. Everything about it is so perfect and unique. You have one shot at life, as far as we know, and you should make the most of it! 

Life is not a single colour. It's a spectrum of every single colour and it shines so bright. Life is not just one emotion, it's every emotion! Life is so beautiful and sharp and amazing. The rain, sun, wind and everything makes life so special. 

But there is a feeling that accompanies life. I bet everyone feels it. But when you love life so much there is this green fluffy glow that lights up in the centre of your mind and then starts to glow in your heart. The glow is the colour of emeralds. It has this rich, clear, honest colour that is really special. It doesn't mean love or enjoyment or happiness, hope, sorrow, loneliness, hate, joy, excitement ect. It means all if it! It is a beautiful, amazing, fantastic glow. 

I only feel it when I'm loving life to its full. And the past month or so, I've loved it. Although I may have felt sad, lonely and upset at times, I've realised I love life and the ups and downs are part of it. I've been on a high for a while now, and even if it dips slightly I know that life is amazing and beautiful and one of the best things ever, that whatever I feel will pass and I'll get back on that high that is a constant flow of energy.

Love life! It's amazing! And no matter how bad it feels, it's always going to get better. You just have to want it. Life is amazing and you never want to cut it short. LIVE LIFE TO ITS FULL!!

Can't But Help Putting My Foot In It.

I put my foot in it a lot. Even if I don't mean to. It may just be one word, a poor bit of phrasing or the people who can't handle who I am. But it seems like the past few days, the only think I've done is put my foot in it. And it does feel like it's always my fault. When it's not... every one in a hundred times.

So what have I done? Well I tried to look out for a friend (and although she says we've done the right thing, everyone else doesn't think that), I argue with my mum practically every other sentence. I say something and then my mum gets angry. I say something and then my dad gets all patronising. And I walk away a lot. I argue my point.

The thing that's ticking me off at the moment is my mother. It seems that I can't speak without her getting unnecessarily angry. She gets all hissy at me when I don't speak to her much, but when I do speak to her nothing seems to be right. She doesn't listen. She is so closed minded at the moment. There is one set of rules for her, and another for me and another for my brother. These rules change everyday.

Loads of people seem to really like my mum, but they don't live with her. Yes she can be fun and lovely, but most of the time she is a stressed, angry, closed minded person. We don't get on. When you live with someone who only has their way of life, confrontation is inevitable. The little facade I put on when I'm around her and their are other people there is perfect. Everyone thinks we get on. When really we don't. I dislike her quite a lot of the time, and she knows it.

So even if you say: "I think that was unnecessary", she flies of the handle and goes on at you how you are unnecessary and that I can't speak to her like that and that she knows what's right and to top it off she ends it with you're always horrible. Love that women. Just can't get enough of her.

So yeah, I put my whole body in my grave this evening by having opinions. Like I've said before, life is easier if you are a mindless drone. Maybe I'm the problem. Meh, I'm a person with opinions and a mind. Freedom of thought and expression. You know what, feeling down makes everything seem a lot worse.

When The Most Beautiful Voice Is Ill

So, the most beautiful voice has been ill over the weekend! It's tragic that he is ill, but his voice is totally different. I wouldn't call it ugly or awful or bad or hideous. But it is not the nicest thing in the world. But it's not bad.

The colour is an olive green. But it's got brown in it. It's like when you use 'Paint' on the computer and you find an oliveish green and then you drag the cursor down until it's fairly dark. You then drag the cursor across a little bit and the colours mix to make a sort of green-brown-olive colour. The colour shows that he is ill as the fact that it is heavy and dull.

The colour has tiny little bubbles in. They are clear but murky and have really bright inside rims. This makes it not very nice as it just adds this texture to it that it unpleasant to look at. I'm not the biggest fan of his ill voice. It's the texture that gets to me.

But if I think about the beautiful green colour that it usually is, it makes it more... more normal. So if he said something to me today I missed most of it as I didn't like the colour and was trying to swap it. The colour is just so heavy.

I wish that he could see it. It's hard to explain it. His normal voice suits him so well. It just fits with him in every way. His voice is so beautiful! Hope you get better soon and have a voice soon!

Honesty

So at the moment honesty is playing on my mind. To be honest I blame myself. If I was to be more honest with myself than maybe I'd be more honest with other people. But then people can't really handle the truth. As humans we don't like it. We find some comfort in lies. Lies protect us and others. Especially if it's a nasty truth.

I find other people who are honest really funny. It's amusing as they don't really hold back. They just say what they think. And it's often really funny because you too might think that and you laugh. Maybe I'm just weird, but honesty can be the most amusing thing in the universe sometimes.

Honesty takes a lot of courage to. To openly tell someone what you think or what you've done is never going to be easy. But if you so it... Well you're a brave soul. People react differently to the truth. And I suppose it defines us an individual in one way. But it's also annoying as no two person is exactly the same. That would make life easier.

To me honesty is really important. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is the most important, honesty is about a 9.6. It's really important to me, but not so important that the whole world will die. The reason it is so high is that no relationship in life could ever work if people were dishonest. Whether it be friendships, family, relationships or work related things. Honesty makes things run smoother.

But I'm a hypocrite. I can be dishonest. I think what I'm doing is protecting people, whereas honesty is probably going to be the best thing every time. For me, the problem starts with myself. If I was more honest to myself and didn't run from things, then maybe I'd be more honest with other people.

I'm the most honest with two or three friends, then the rest of my friends. My friends are the most important thing in my life. I'm human (sadly not alien) and therefore socialising and talking to people makes me happy, mostly. Depends on my mood if I'm honest. I'd tell these two or three friends pretty much anything worth knowing. I'd like to think I'm honest with them.

After my friends, I'm most honest with probably my keyboard. I talk to it. It just sits there with its blue screen thing and keys and tells me to hurry up and play some music. My keyboard can't actually speek but I imagine it gets impatient. Probably why it likes to stop working from time to time. But I love it.

Then my honesty levels drop. I'm not very honest when it comes to my parents. Not at all. I don't tell them anything. Don't trust them. Wouldn't talk to them about anything. Ever. So when they try and get personal... Well they don't. Because I'm very good at changing the subject and I spend as little time as I have to with them.

But honesty is really important. It's like the colour of custard. That really bizarre colour that the powder is. I don't like custard, it's disgusting. But the colour of custard powder is kind of like honesty. It's just pretty. And sparkly.

Lies on the other hand are all black and fill the inside of you up with fine particles of black soot. It is like that magic smoke that magicians get. All thick and masks everything. But you only see it in yourself. I read somewhere the other day about people who can taste lies. That's pretty awesome. You could be a human lie detector.

But honesty is really important in life. Without it things will fall apart. And if you are honest with someone and they react badly, give them time. Well I don't know. Life is amazing, don't abuse it! Live it to its full!

Feeling Low

Everyone feels low from time to time. I don't know why. If we did than maybe people would be able to stop it. Feeling low is perfectly natural, but there is always the possibility that it carries on. And that's how it first started. Couldn't escape it.

I don't know if I feel low because I'm tired or because I'm hungry and I have no energy. But when I'm low so many questions run through my head. I can't answer them and I can't stop the thoughts that swim around the questions. It is a constant stream of thoughts.

I hate feeling low. It feels empty and lifeless. I don't know. Sometimes all you need is a hug and someone to sit with and talk. Today my minds been on lies and secrets and the things that I used to love. I hate secrets and lies. But honesty hurts people. I feel empty today. Honesty is the most important thing, but sometimes it feels like it ruins everything. But being dishonest makes everything worse. But telling the truth is harder than people think.  Especially if you don't want to be honest to yourself. That's the hardest thing. Being honest to yourself. If you tell yourself a lie enough times it drowns the truth. Just like I tell myself it's the last time I'll count calories or it's the last time I'll eat less than 1000 calories. Everytime is a last time. But being honest and admitting that you need help is hard.

See, my thoughts have wondered. I started off with feeling low and ended on food. I hate thinking about food. But when you're feeling low, all you need is someone to talk to. It's nice for someone to listen. Erg. Emotions are a rollercoaster. Up. Down. Up. Down. Feeling low is just so rubbish. This time yesterday I was I was as happy as a happy thing. But waking up and feeling low is just so meh. Feeling low is cured by people and talking. Or magic. Magic is good.

This post really has no meaning. Sorry.

How Exercise Changes Everything

Exercise plays a massive part in my life. It's something that if you take away from me, I will die inside. It means so much to me. It keeps me happy, cheers me up, keeps me fit and kills time in the endless hours of weekend I seem to have.

For me I have to do a minimum of two hours a day. That could be a long walk, a run, weights, cycling or fighting. I love it so much. It keeps you fit and healthy and is fun. I love running the most. It's like your running away from everything. Left is away and right is towards. When your feet hit the ground it's like you can do anything. Every step you take is amazing. You get faster and faster untill you can't go any faster and you carry on at that speed untill you can't go any further. Then you stop. You have a break. And then you run some more. And then you turn back and run home. That's the worst bit. Running home. It's like you're shoving all your hard work back in your face. It says 'look you've run away from everything and now you have to run back into the heart of it all!' Home is definitely the worst bit.

I also love my bike. It's amazing. You can just sit there and cycle. You don't go anywhere but you can read a book and escape reality. That's truely something that everybody should do for an hour or so everyday. Escaping reality and being absorbed into another world. I cycle a lot. I broke one of the bikes I had. That was a sad couple of weeks. Very sad indeed.

Weights are fun. I got obsessed with them one and got these huge, amazing, fabulous arm muscles. My gosh they were glorious. Admittedly, I felt like a man. But I could hit hard. I must have looked funny that summer, a thirteen year old girl running everywhere with some amazing arm muscles. Man, Derek Landy inspired me with his character 'Tanith Low'. She is everything I wanted to be. An amazing fighter. Could use a sword. Had amazing muscles. And she was MAGIC! But then I lost my muscles slowly as the way I thought about exercise and food changed. It was a sad day not long ago when I lost my amazing abs. I used to be so amazing. But muscle ways a lot more than fat and maybe this is a place where it started.

Now this will sound odd, but walking is so much fun. It doesn't feel like you are putting in any effort. You can just be outside with the whole world around you and walk until you ate so lost in your thoughts that you get lost. The fun I have when I go out. Quite often a walk turns into a run. Especially if it starts to rain. Man, running in the rain is so awesome! But walking in the rain under the trees is something special. It's relaxing and you can only hear the world how it was supposed to be...BEAUTIFUL! And you'd be surprised how good walking is for you. Quite often I come back feeling a lot happier. Even when I was depressed, walking seemed to make me feel loads better. As did running.

Fighting. Such an ugly word. But in Sport Karate it's about skill and being confident. You have to spot the target before your opponent spots one on you. And then you hit them. There is a lot of dedication involved. And you really have to want it to carry on with it. Admittedly, I lost my passion for it. But that doesn't mean I don't train. I still work at getting my techniques better, faster and stronger. But like I said, my passion for it has practically run dry. And as my mother said "it's a shame you want to stop, you're really talented". But truth is, I've lost my love for karate in every aspect. It used to be my world, and now it's a chore. And I can't tell people that because they expect so much from me and my karate. I have never really loved something and been so committed to anything else before. I don't know what changed. I used to love competing so much. I think a pivotal moment was being told that I was a heavyweight. That definitely made something inside my head snap. But I still loved it. I don't know when it started. But I slowly began to loath it. I dread the lessons now. It has lost all meaning and enjoyment. I mean, karate used to be my world and I'd bail on friends and miss out on time with them for it. It used to be everything important to me. But now, well now it's not. I've got an empty feeling towards it. It's like its taken everything and left me with nothing. All the time and effort and love towards it. It got up and walked away. Being the object of many jokes every week used to be worth ignoring. The personal remarks used to go over my head. All because I was so fixated on fighting and winning and being the best. And I had it in me. It's lost now. Probably flying just out of reach. It was my world and now every bit of enjoyment from it has gone. I don't know what happened. It feels like it was there one day and gone the next. I've been doing it since I was nine and I always had that passion for it. It's sad to see it nowhere in sight. I miss it. It kind of feels like that there is no reason to anything anymore. I still have the determination to do things, but given the choice to do nothing or to work for something... I'd think about it. And probably do nothing. And saying that has set of warning bells in my head. But karate was my world once, and it feels like without that passion. I don't know. It makes me sad. It was the thing I always put first. But karate changed so many things. It started so much and ended a lot too. I don't know what happened. But something about it changed the way I think.

I'm a really 'hyperactive' person. I know that. No such thing as too much energy. Apart from when I've been really depressed I've always had energy. Being 'hyper' is something I can't control. It just happens. The great thing about it is that I have all this energy that I can put into exercise. I could keep on going forever on a really good day, in theory. But the biggest draw back is that my mind has been wired into some sort of system that make all my thoughts race and for a new frequency to show in my mind. It literally buzzes! I can't keep my attention on anything for more than ten minutes. It is impossible. So when doing exercise I get really bored. That's where my genius comes in. If I have a plan of what I'm going to do, I don't get bored. I'm looking forward to the next thing so much I work really hard for the whole five/ten minutes. I generally spend less time on exercise when I'm like this, but I do it a million times better.

As much as I love exercise, it's so strongly linked to calories and food that I can't do it just purely fir enjoyment anymore. Which is a shame. The way I think has changed so much. It sounds sad, but I can't help but calculate the amount of calories burned when I do exercise. I can't help but take that away from what I've eaten. It's so deep in my brain that it's getting ridiculous. I hate the link. It takes all the fun out of exercise. The websites I use to estimate the calories. I want to kick the link so far out of my head that it goes to another universe and gets burnt up by a star. I know what I'm doing is wrong, but when I'm faced with it, that thought stops meaning anything. I don't know if people really understand. I'd like to think they do. And if they didn't, I'd hope they'd ask. The way I think about every day life has changed.

The way I view exercise has definitely changed. It's still really important to me. But I can't help but link it back to food. But still, if someone told me I am not allowed to do exercise, I just couldn't do it. Fitness and the feeling of freedom you get from exercise is just so important. Nothing can replace it.

I feel like this post needs something happy...

Image from www.fanpop.com

It's just so cute. Man, you have to love cats. They are cute and adorable. Don't you just love that picture. It's cute. And funny. Loving cats.

Secrets and Lies

I hate lying. And I hate it when people lie to me. Nothing good ever comes from it. It's like secrets. I hate those too. If you can't be honest with someone, then why talk to them. I try to be honest... it doesn't always go swimmingly.

I think people should learn their life lessons from Disney. If we all watched Pinocchio and thought about it, maybe we wouldn't lie or lie as much. I hate lying, it's unjust, unfair, a sin, hurtful and deceitful. And the only way Pinocchio got to stay a real boy was by being as truthful and honest as he possibly could. If whenever we lied our nose grew or we started turning into wood, I think people would be a lot happier.

Image from www.blog.lib.umm.edu

So, keeping secrets and lying to protect people does theoretically sound like a good idea. But it always seems to blow up in your face. Well it does for me. And yeah, I've learnt it isn't wise. You feel so guilty about it. I'd do anything to stop people around me from getting hurt. And lying and secrets never works. If only I'd watched Pinocchio a few months ago. But anyway, it's not a good idea. People just get more hurt.

I hate secrets. I hate having them. They make you feel all black and sooty inside. Erg. But there is no escaping secrets. Everyone has them. But when you keep them to yourself it never goes well. Bit then again, I'm sure people have secrets that are best kept to themselves. Secrets, like lying, make you feel guilty. Especially if they should be shared. Because 'bad' secrets cause lies and hurt and can often be resolved in some way. And 'good' secrets are too hard to keep because the whole world should know. And the funniest secrets are the hardest to keep. They just make you smile and laugh that they need to be told.

But lies are never good. I think that less lies would be told if people listened to each other a bit better and perhaps talked about it. There are 'taboos' of certain groups of people and I don't think they'd be there if people were willing to listen and talk. I think that maybe it would make life easier and happier if people felt that they could be 100% honest because they knew that they would not be judged or be shunned but accepted and maybe forgiven. I don't know where this is going, but what I think I'm trying to say is that people would lie or keep as many secrets if the world was ready to listen and be accepting and offer help.

History

My history teacher has an annoying voice! It is pure annoyance. You could bottle it and sell it! It's such an annoying shape and the colour is just as annoying! It's not that it's not a nice colour, it just gets annoying to look at after a while.

The shape is lots of little curved lines that get bigger the more he speaks. It starts out small and then the size increases as he speaks more. He never shuts up for more than five minutes. Erg. The shape is just so annoying. It just builds up on top of the last one.

The colour of his voice is a really common blue. It's a colbolt sort of blue. Really boring and you see it everywhere. It's a dark blue but there is no intensity or depth to it. It is just blue. And boring. It's dark but not dark enough to be interesting. It's light but too dark to have any real feel to it. The colour suggests self centeredness and arrogance and that it is totally oblivious to what others may think. This shade of blue thinks that it is something special, when it's not. It's a bit like marmite in away... You either love it or you hate it. I hate it. It's just so annoying!

I seriously don't understand how someone with such an annoying voice likes to speak that much? Does he not see how annoying the colour of his voice is? And the shape? Or does he love it so much that he can't get enough of it? I don't know? But I don't understand how he can talk so much when he has a voice like that. Maybe he just doesn't see the colour of his voice in that way. Or maybe he doesn't take as much notice of his voice because he is so used to it. Maybe his voice just blurs into the background of his mind. I don't know.

Science

The science teacher that I have this year at school this year has quite frankly a very grating voice. I can't stand it. It's like one of those voices that if you hear on the TV or the radio, you turn it straight off and get away from the sound as quickly as possible. Except you can't do that in this situation.

His voice is like the colour of one of those really dull orangeish-brown pebbles you get on the beach after the water from the sea has dried off of it. Erg. It is horrible. So dull and flat and lifeless. I mean, it tries to be impressive, when clearly it's not! It is just so ugly. It's horrible and should be banished to the far corners of the Earth. I mean, how does someone manage to keep their voice looking so dull and ugly. He could at least maybe shade it with enthusiasm or some sort of emotion to make it just that little bit nicer.

And the feel of his voice... erg! It is like sandpaper being pulled out of your head and wearing away the inside. It's horrible. There is no softness in it anywhere. Every time he speaks, waves of this ugly, dull, lifeless pebble orange-brown erupt and starts to wear you down. I'd very gladly repeatedly whack my head against the wall for the duration of those lessons than have to look at his voice. It's there all the time. The constant ringing of it.

It still baffles me how anyone's voice could be so ugly. Well that's a lie. I've seen worse. But it is just so horrific and offensive that all you can think about is scooping out your own brain and turning it into mush. Just erg! It's so ugly and horrible.

The Grumpy Man

Oh my gosh! I don't get it! Why are men over the age of 50 so grumpy? It's like they have been possessed my a grumpy demon! I'm sure all men don't get grumpy, but oh my gosh one of the instructors for karate is a bit of a grumpy man. And that is the understatement of forever!

So, he is always late to his lessons. And leaves one of the junior instructors to do the warm up. Does he say thanks? No he looks at you like you are a bit of poop on his shoe! Grrr! And if you don't do the warm up... well he flys of the handle and takes the door with him! He needs to take a tone of chill pills!

And the personal remarks he makes. I could kill him! I'd chop of his head and feed it to lions or something! He has no right to call someone fat when he looks like a blundering elephant himself. And he can't say that you're stupid when he clearly cannot tell the time as he is always half an hour late to everything. This man causes so much aggravation that he needs a personality transplant.

Okay, this next one really takes the biscuit! He phones you up and orders you to be somewhere what is miles away in five minutes because he is stuck in traffic in Dover or some place. Like, hello? No! Cancel the damn thing! And then last week, he phoned me up and told me to walk to ANOTHER town because he would be late and to get the lesson started. I'm sorry but it is an hour walk. He can go shove his head down the loo and drown!

Rant over. But this man is a pain in the backside and I give up on him and his ungrateful, rude, mean and fat butt. Grrrrr!

Fire!

Okay, so I mentioned a friend's voice in another post. And I was going to start going on about it. But when I thought about it it would probably get lost in the rest of the post. So this is about her voice...

Her voice is a really dark mahogany colour. The way it's a rich brown and so beautiful makes it like the polished wood. And the brown is really beautiful it definitely stands out in comparison to other browns. It's like the leader of all the darker colours. It's got a shine about it. 

Then you have a swirly mist of a really deep red that covers it. It's almost like it is trying to fit in with that group of colours, whereas it works better with the others. The red is so fine and thin that you get the sense that it is used rarely and as a defensive method perhaps. 

Then on top of this you have these orangey-yellow ribbon like trails that wrap the whole thing up. I reckon that the orange means that there is a bit of frustration but the way it mixes into the yellow makes it mean it's a bit more relaxed and likes to do things it's own way. I'm not sure really. It's kind of like a chilled-frustrated-relaxed-right sort of thing. I can't really describe it. But the colour itself is like the colour of orange juice but it's not like that. It's like that sort of yellow but it's orange at the same time. It's kind of firey and bright. It's like orange juice but like that part of fire that's all orangey and yellow at the same time. It's an interesting colour. 

So that's her voice. It makes no sense. But it does. I just can't explain it. But it's all firey and beautiful and bright and so different. 

I Guess You've Heard It All Before

I guess you've heard it all before. Ad you probably think the exact same thing. But my friends are the most awesome in the world ever! Let me tell you why.

1) They are always there for each other in the good and the bad. They never turn their backs and they are always as supportive as they can be. Yes, they may get fed up and bored and tired of it. But they are really awesome. They seem to have these magic sensors that pick up when ever one of them needs one of them. That in itself is amazing. But to go and help out and try to make sure that they are okay takes a lot of amazing power. And they  most positively have it in abundance.

2) They are all funny. Really funny. And what's nice is that they are all funny in their own way and as a group they are hilarious. For example: in a Latin after school session, one of my mates was sitting opposite me. And every time one of us looked at each other we would start laughing. And he is funny like that. He is just so unique and individual that everyday there is a new and amusing quality about him. He is cool. They all know when to make a joke and that seems to be every single waking moment. Life is never dull when they are around.

3) They all have a crazy part to them. Life is dull without a bit of crazy. They don't understand how people can be hyper constantly. But I think they do. Because they all have that in them but they just don't realise it. And when one of them discovers that part it is more fun than a lot if things. Some chose to go frolicking. Others go completely mad. One gets really talkative. Her voice interesting. It's like the colour of mahogany but it's on fire. If that makes sense. It's got this really pretty dark dark red underneath all these orangey-yellow swirls of ribbon like trails. It's beautiful and fascinating. But slightly strange if I'm honest. I can't quite pin it down. It's so different.

4) All of my mates annoy each other. I don't know why, but it always means that there is added entertainment. Even if they are hitting each other, shouting, being annoying in general, fighting or just being themself and it is grating on someone. It's really amusing because somehow it all works and they all get on. The pointless arguments my girls have over the most surreal and imaginative things. I wouldn't change anything about any of them.

5) Each person is different. None of them think exactly the same thing and that's both annoying and useful. Annoying because they are all really opinionated people. But useful because you get a tone of different perspectives on things. None of them follow the norm and because they are so opinionated and individual, they are not mindless drones. Although an army of mindless drones would be awesome!

6) They are all really clever! They know interesting things and don't generally ask stupid questions. Yeah, you're all so clever.

7) Both groups get on and within the group's they all get on really well.

8) THEY ARE ALL AMAZING PEOPLE!! I think that says it well.

So yeah, I guess you've heard it all before... But these are the best people you'll ever meet. Unless one of them turns out to be a murderer and then I take that back. But they are all really genuine, amazing, funny and awesome people.

Soul Sisters

No joke, but two of my girls are like sisters. They are the same height. Wear practically matching clothes when ever I see them. Have the same sense of humour. They are mad as anything. And are pretty awesome too.

One of them has a voice that is kind of like the shade you get if you hold amber up to the light. It is a beautiful orangy-brown-gold. It is a quite colour that looks pretty but gets over looked because nobody really knows about it. It's a lightish shade, but it is dark at the same time and holds depth to it. It is mesmerizing. If the colour was a person, she would be that girl who sat in the corner with the glasses and geeky pony-tail and when she lets her her down and takes of her glasses she is stunning and beautiful. My friend, well she is shy towards others in a way. And she is loyal to her friends. And I think the shyness is reflected in the colour of her voice as it does not like to be noticed and would prefer to get on with things. I don't know if she would agree with me, but I think the colour is beautiful and shy like she is. Love ya!

Image from www.gwydir.demon.co.uk 

Her soul sister has a voice that is like a sunset. It has a pinky-orange centre which slowly mixes with a pinky-lilac outside. You've all seen the way the colours work in a sunset and it works well hear. It is pale but bold and is noticesble. It has that joy you get when you see a sunset in the tone of her voice. If the colour was a person, it would be an individual. She would do things her way and form strong bonds with people and follow those closet to her because she is loyal. The way the colours blend would mean that she is funny. I think that the colours of her voice suit her well because she is loyal and does things that are very amusing. This girl is a fantastic individual and I love her! Love ya!

Image from www.starandgarterfalmouth.co.uk

These soul sister's voices compliment each other and look really pretty next to each other. I love these two girls and their awesomeness. They are sisters at heart and I think and hope that they always will be!

A Helping Hand.

I've had a day to think over some stuff. And I've come to the conclusion that I would like some help. I'm not going to let the demon in my head win. But how I came to this conclusion that means the most, I think.

So, I've wanted help for a while because I'm so scared and unsure what to do. So why am I backing out of this? Truth is I don't know what to expect and we don't like the unexpected US humans. Although we are told 'expect the unexpected'. And maybe this time, I have to take a step forward and let the control that I love over things be taken away. That might help me.

Next it was something a friend said to me last night: 'GCSE year'. And I don't want to screw up my GCSEs. I can't screw them up if I want to be a doctor. They have to go well. Really well. And my friends can't afford to fail them or screw them up, so it's best for them. It's best for them that this gets sorted.

Another friend said to me today three words that perhaps were the most terrifying thing I heard all day: 'force feed you'. NO! NOT EVER! If I'm going to do this I still want some control. So I have to show signs of getting better to avoid this. It's not ever going to happen to me. I'd like to think I'm strong enough to avoid this.

Yesterday a mate made me eat carbs. It took longer than it should have. And afterwards I spent close to two hours in a panic. It was bad. I'm sorry he saw it. He did the right thing after all. And then he said a blunt, cutting scentance that was along the lines of: 'This is why you're going there' or something like that. But it hit home... hard.

Then perhaps the thing that made me realise this the most, was twentyish minutes today with three mates. Apparently writing down calories in a book is a sign of anorexea. And the fact that they think it, well... there has to be some truth in that right? One of them is always right when it comes to stuff like this. And yes, I should probably listen to him. And I will. So like the good mate he is, he took the note book away. Thank you. Yes I was angry and upset and annoyed; it was the right thing and meant that change is coming. But I'll get over the constant need to count calories. But then foolishly he gave the book to a guy who gave it straight back to me. He said he didn't want his parents to read it or find it. And after 3 hours of thinking about it... it went in the bin in the middle of town. I don't want it. Not if I'm going to get better.

So whether it is the start of anorexea or just a bad habit, I'm getting help. I don't care anymore if the change will be hard. But there is too much I don't want to lose. And I don't want this to become any worse. So thank you guys for being amazing friends. You've really gone above and beyond as friends. I love you all. And it's all going to be okay.

By the way, you with the green voice: you've outdone yourself. You wear your heart on your sleeves and are a too good a friend for someone like me after I've constantly let you down.  You are truly amazing, and I really couldn't have come to this decision if it wasn't that one word you said: 'anorexea'.