Corridors

Life is like one massive corridor. It's stretched out in front of you in one long path. And then there are doors all along it that are the choices you can make and then those doors lead to more corridors with more doors and then at the end of your life you reach that door at the very end of the corridor with that golden glow around it. This door will either lead you to heaven or to hell depending on the choices that you made earlier on in life.

It would be so simple if God mapped out the best path for us with all or relationships and choices marked out and then we would know the best way to go forward in life. But, instead, we are constantly deliberating at each door we pass that matters to us. This makes it hard for us to know what to do and to know what is right. So we pray. We ask for guidance and we ask for a little bit of help.

It is our own fault after all. We have free will. We abuse it. We make the choices and therefore we are responsible for our mistakes. And then we really regret them. We regret them more than anything. We regret being blinded and we regret not following a dream for the sake of someone else. We regret not making the best choice for us, but making a choice to please others. Just think of all the possibilities that you could have had. But you no longer have them. It makes you sad.

At the time something seems so perfect and brilliant and you think that it doesn't matter. But then one day you wake up and realise how blind you were. How you should have taken the next door or gone back down the corridor to see if the other doors will still open for you. But this is what makes us human, our mistakes. But then again, we might not know that they are mistakes. Nevertheless, we learn from these mistakes and learn not to sacrifice a dream for something that has not happened yet.

So, stop dwelling on it and make up your mind. Do I go through this door or do I keep on going?

Some days...

Some days you can't help but hate yourself. Hate everything about yourself. From your head to your toes. You hate how you are, how you look, how you think that others see you. And you hide it. And today is one of those days.

You hate your body. From the fat you see in the mirror to the fat that you feel on your body. You hate your stomach. You hate the way it is fat and horrible. You hate your legs. You hate how fat they are. How fat your calves are. How fat your thighs are. How you feel the fat on your thighs. You hate how fat your arms are. How fat your neck is. But most of all you hate how fat your legs are. The rest comes off with the legs. You hate how fat you are.

So ya know. One of those days where you just hate everything about yourself.

Hmmmm Bananas

Oh I could be oh so poetic about this. I could write it in a poetic way. And it would be boring then. Who wants life to be one big long interpretation? Nobody! That's for sure! Well, sating that... some people might like to interpret things.

So, food. Food is essential to life and in a way that really does suck. I don't like a lot of food and if I had the choice I would go without. I still struggle with food. I want to go back to this safety net of 900 calories, which I know is really bad for me. I still find it really hard to eat a lot of foods and I still find it hard to eat out in public places. I can't eat a sandwich in school. Sounds stupid, but I just can't do it.

It's been playing on my mind a lot recently. Will this ever go away? Will I ever have a normal relationship with food? I'm still scared to put dairy in my mouth, which makes breakfast hard. But I've just had to accept that it is something I'm going to live with till I get over it. I can't bring myself to eat rice. I can just about manage the smallest amount of potato. I can do a mouthful of something like cake or chocolate. But then I feel so incredibly guilty and I have to exercise.

The thoughts of guilt and shamefulness still plague my mind. The little voice in the back of my mind. Always there. But I've learnt not to listen to it. I am perfectly okay. And you shouldn't let food control your life.

Body image is still something I struggle with. But then again who doesn't? Blame society and media stereotypes for that one.

I'm really anxious about this weekend mind. It's a DofE hike thing. And there is a whole list of foods there that I'm scared to eat, I can't eat and I don't like. And then there is the fact that it is outside. And the fact that there is no way to control the bacteria and the pressure to eat because we would have been hiking. The pressure to eat enough to keep everyone else safe. The pressure to eat so that it stops mother and my lovely guy from worrying. The pressure to eat so that others feel safe around me. But what if I can't? What if I'm just not hungry? What if I don't eat enough? What if I can't put the rice or the chocolate or the cheese in my mouth? What if it's a bad day? If it's a bad day at home I just find something that I can eat and I take my time over it. But I can't do that in a field. A bad day at home takes me a while to eat but I get around to it and I eat when I'm comfortable to. I used to be so scared I'd cry and shake and hate myself. They've never seen that. What if I can't do it? What if they see that? How would they take it? I don't think they'd understand. They've never been put in that situation before. Not inside their own head. I don't know if it's going to be okay. To tell the truth, I'm scared.

But what will be, will be. Oh gosh. Never mind. Life trundles on. It's just 2 days.