I don't know what time this is for who ever is reading this, but for me it's almost half five in the morning. And it is so so beautiful. Just sitting here on my bike by the window looking at the world around me is making me cry. This is making me cry even more. It is the most beautiful time ever.
The dawn chorus. The smell the taste the quietness. It is beautiful. I have had the most magical night. I couldn't sleep so I began to go through youtube and found the most moving film ever. It's one I'm gonna watch with my guy. It will move him. It is just so beautiful.
And then at almost 3 the started to come up and I've watched my room grow slowly lighter and it has moved me. I've never cried at dawn before. But it's throat beautiful thing. The russel of the leaves and the chirping of the birds. The colours are so pure and the taste of the air is so fine and the smell is the best thing ever. I want to share it with my guy. It is so beautiful and so special to me.
The sky has that look about it that tells you it's gonna be a warm and beautiful day. Let's hope it doesn't change. Olly and his family will have the most amazing time at Chessington today, even if he doesn't like rollercoasters. He is so blessed to have such a strong and wonderful family who do things together. The four of them are so lucky. God bless.
It is just so beautiful. Nothing could put it into words how I'm feeling. There are no words for the sight, sounds, smell and taste of this morning. I'm gonna go for a walk and just have a wonderful day. Thank you. It's wonderful.
Friday 30 May 2014
Monday 26 May 2014
Wickedness and Sin
So. I don't really want to be writing this. When you are feeling so miserable that you can tell if it doesn't change soon you will be going back down that spiral of depression again. What's this? It will be the 4th maybe 5th time it will happen. Great. Can't control my excitement.
It's just the best feeling ever. You are so happy, nothing will knock you off your perch. You just wanna do everything and get on a plane to the other side of the world and live there just because you can. Bake more than you can eat. See your friends. Go out and spend loads of money on anything. And then one day it just all drops...
You feel worthless, stupid, horrible. Demons that you thought you had got rid of come back and you sit there all night just thinking and praying. You don't want to go back down that road. Life is too short to be up and down all the time. You pray and pray and pray. You go to school for a few weeks. Keep that smile on your face. Most of the time it works. You believe that you're really and truly happy again. But then you get home. And the door slams in your face. You remember that this house is not a home and that when you can you'll leave. Enough of the words and the hurt.
You log onto the computer and see what everyone's been doing. And this totally destroys you. It unravels what you put together over the past months. You thought you were better. But a thin girl loosing weight and promising to do it publicly... well that just destroys you. You can't bare to look at yourself. You know that if she is loosing weight than you have to. After all you are fat.
But the next day, you're okay. More than happy and ready to go. Life just keeps on going. Exams start. You go on study leave. You are raring to go. Bring on the exams. Wednesday turns up. Your guys there. There is only one thought in your head. You are just so happy and hyper and up for it. You love him more than anything. More than Disney. He is your world. You know it is the biggest cliché ever, but this guy is the most perfect thing in your life. When the rest of life is going badly he is there, glowing all green and beautiful ready to put a smile on your face. This guy shows you that even though there are horrible parts to everyday life you just have to keep on going as the best bits are even better!
But then you drop. You wake up on THE most important Friday so far. Three exams, all of which are incredibly important and you just wanna stay in bed and cry. You get to school. The stress and tears start. One friend is an utterly annoying poo who just makes you want to go and hide as you think that you're turning into a pessimist like him. Then you can't get a hug as one friend thinks that it's okay to stop it by opening her mouth and telling you it makes her feel sick. Great.
Then it just goes downhill. You hate your body. You look at it. It's fat. But you know its not. You just want to be thin. To see the bones because that way you feel pretty. You want to feel pretty and normal and be like the rest of your girls. Thin and pretty. But you can't do this as you know you'll fail your GCSEs. This makes you feel even worse because with every mouthful you take it feels like you are putting a pound of weight on. Like I said, you thought you were over this. You've promised yourself that you'll go back to karate on June 21st. But you need more time. You need time to get thin again and to get fit again. Time to rid yourself of this hideous body. Some how you know you'll find time. You'll do it healthily however. But you'll lose the weight you need to. And then that should be enough for prom when it comes around. A tonned, thin, muscular body. That will put them all to shame.
So. Here I am. Writing this. Writing stuff. It has made me motivated. Motivated to get arms that have muscle and legs that are tonned and thin and abs. Motivated.
It's just the best feeling ever. You are so happy, nothing will knock you off your perch. You just wanna do everything and get on a plane to the other side of the world and live there just because you can. Bake more than you can eat. See your friends. Go out and spend loads of money on anything. And then one day it just all drops...
You feel worthless, stupid, horrible. Demons that you thought you had got rid of come back and you sit there all night just thinking and praying. You don't want to go back down that road. Life is too short to be up and down all the time. You pray and pray and pray. You go to school for a few weeks. Keep that smile on your face. Most of the time it works. You believe that you're really and truly happy again. But then you get home. And the door slams in your face. You remember that this house is not a home and that when you can you'll leave. Enough of the words and the hurt.
You log onto the computer and see what everyone's been doing. And this totally destroys you. It unravels what you put together over the past months. You thought you were better. But a thin girl loosing weight and promising to do it publicly... well that just destroys you. You can't bare to look at yourself. You know that if she is loosing weight than you have to. After all you are fat.
But the next day, you're okay. More than happy and ready to go. Life just keeps on going. Exams start. You go on study leave. You are raring to go. Bring on the exams. Wednesday turns up. Your guys there. There is only one thought in your head. You are just so happy and hyper and up for it. You love him more than anything. More than Disney. He is your world. You know it is the biggest cliché ever, but this guy is the most perfect thing in your life. When the rest of life is going badly he is there, glowing all green and beautiful ready to put a smile on your face. This guy shows you that even though there are horrible parts to everyday life you just have to keep on going as the best bits are even better!
But then you drop. You wake up on THE most important Friday so far. Three exams, all of which are incredibly important and you just wanna stay in bed and cry. You get to school. The stress and tears start. One friend is an utterly annoying poo who just makes you want to go and hide as you think that you're turning into a pessimist like him. Then you can't get a hug as one friend thinks that it's okay to stop it by opening her mouth and telling you it makes her feel sick. Great.
Then it just goes downhill. You hate your body. You look at it. It's fat. But you know its not. You just want to be thin. To see the bones because that way you feel pretty. You want to feel pretty and normal and be like the rest of your girls. Thin and pretty. But you can't do this as you know you'll fail your GCSEs. This makes you feel even worse because with every mouthful you take it feels like you are putting a pound of weight on. Like I said, you thought you were over this. You've promised yourself that you'll go back to karate on June 21st. But you need more time. You need time to get thin again and to get fit again. Time to rid yourself of this hideous body. Some how you know you'll find time. You'll do it healthily however. But you'll lose the weight you need to. And then that should be enough for prom when it comes around. A tonned, thin, muscular body. That will put them all to shame.
So. Here I am. Writing this. Writing stuff. It has made me motivated. Motivated to get arms that have muscle and legs that are tonned and thin and abs. Motivated.
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