Happpy, Happy, Happy

This blog has just turned into somewhere to moan and complain and to be frank, be quite miserable. And in fairness, nobody likes to read about miserableness. So I am going to write a happy post today.

So rainbows and unicorns and cute fluffy rabbits. Sparkles and Disney and friends and awesome people. Good days, amazing friends.  Disney, music running and oxygen. Friends, friends, friends. Happy, love, happy, love.

So, being an individual is the most important thing. I love being me! We are all individuals. We are who we are and if people don't like it... well they can shove their head in a bin for all I care.

Lalalalalalalala!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wrote a post the other day, and let me STRESS it was just how I felt that day. Glad we sorted that out.

This is a really random post. Evil laugh. But Derek Landy is Awesome. To be honest, this is the sort of random thoughts that go on in my head.

Oh my gosh! That reminds me! This morning one of my mates was telling me about the dreams he had last night. What on Earth goes on in his head? Fire? Superman? It was very funny and amusing. But also worrying. What goes on in his head? I'd love to be able to read minds.

I had a thought and I lost it. Dam! Oh yeah! I remember. Another one of my friends, well she has these random blackouts where she cannot remember anything. Worrying. But funny. Bless her little cotton socks.

I  love my friends.  Yohoho. And Disney and Shrek and Dreamworks. Awesome!!

Side Order Of Awkwardness

Today I am going to tell you how to make the perfect side dish to any situation- awkwardness. 

Ingredients: 

• 1 dysfunctional family. Must include a drunk, stressed woman and two teenagers with contrasting personalities. 
• 1 carb and fat full meal
• Plenty of water
• Plenty of alcohol
• A bottle of denial
• 2 table spoons of ignorance
• A gallon of pressure

Method:

1. Create a day full of refined sugar, fat and carbohydrates as the only thing on offer.
2. Give the father a good lashing of alcohol and keep on doing so every ten minutes. 
3. Then mix in most of the denial, be sure to save some for later.
4. Next add in 1 table spoon of ignorance and mix well. Leave to stew on the stove for about three hours.
5. When close to the boil add in the water and leave for another half an hour.
6. Next add in the rest of the family and the meal.
7. Pile on the pressure, add more alcohol and turn the heat right up. 
8. Add in the rest of the denial and ignorance. 
9. Give it a quick mix and watch the awkwardness unfold.

Safety:

• Have communication methods on stand by.
• Keep all guns out of sight
• Be prepared for lots of hate being thrown your way (safety goggles advisable)

Bad Night

So, I'm lying here, looking at my bedroom ceiling with billions of thoughts running around in my head. Some are great thoughts. Some are rubbish. But that's just how it is. Some things in life are great and others are rubbish.

I had a great day on Friday with two of my best mates. We had fun. And I've had an okayish day today I suppose. Stuff happened. But yeah, stuff happens in life and what are we going to do about it? Quite a lot of the time it feels like we can do nothing. A green-grey feeling of helplessness.

Helplessness is a very dark, musty, greyish olive green. It's got that merkyness to it that you would see in really stagnant, dirty water. The grey is like a smokey grey, the kind you see from bonfires. That heavy thin covering of grey. The feeling of helplessness swirls around like a tornado and destroys things that it comes into contact with.

Again, I'm going back to my time machine and this time I would do today and the very end of yesterday differently. I feel like I've put an enormous burden on some people's shoulders and at the same time dug my own grave and jumped straight on in to it. Woo! Go grave digging!

But at the same time I feel like I've taken three steps forward. There were three things which needed to be done, so this equates to three steps. It's lovely to feel like "hey, I've done something positive and its the first in a long time. Woo! Go me", but at the same time it's almost disappointing. It does feel like so much of the stuff that I adore is going to be snatched away. And guess what? I'm nit going down with out a fight!

It does feel like there is a score board in my head. Two teams battling for the trophy. The me part and the not me part. So far they're even. Maybe the not me is winning. Maybe the me is winning. Who knows? Only time will tell.

But, yeah, life goes on. Stuff happens. My parents told me this weekend that I have some amazing friends. And I do. I have THE most amazing friends in the entire universe. Because without them, well life would be a far more boring thing.

Can I sleep? Noooo. Too many thoughts. It feels like it's going to be a rough night. Ahhh well. The last rough night I had, I spent it cycling. That was fun. But I did regret the next day. Falling asleep in every lesson. Fun times.

"Knowledge is life with wings."

William Blake is my favourite poet. Poetry is not dead, it is very much a live. Lyrics to your favourite shitty rap song are poetry, although bad ones. Very bad ones. William Blake was a fantastic poet! Yeah, he was a bit mad, but all geniuses are! He was, and is, better than any modern day poet or song writer! He just chose not to write his poem to some stupid, machine made sound that you all seem to class as music. He didn't write only about love, drugs, sex, ex's or some other seemingly irrelevant thing. He wrote magic! And logic!

"What is now proven was once imagined..." 

Well it was, wasn't it. Once we dreamed of flying to the stars and new lands. Once we dreamed all of these seemingly impossible dreams, but now, well now they are a reality.

"Everything to be imagined is an image of truth..." 

Again, true! Even our wildest dreams and aspirations have truth in them. There is no escaping honesty. It chases after you. We imagine what we want to happen, and in there are elements of truth. Our future. Everything is like that. 

"How can a bird that is born for joy, sit in a cage and sing?"

How can something have it's soul purpose removed from it's life and still be expected to do it? Why cadge a bird when it is supposed to be free to enjoy life. How can you put it in a cadge and expect it to sin for you, when it has no freedom? You can't. So follow what your heart says and do not suppress the enjoyment that you, as an individual, were made for. 

You can be anything in life, do anything, achieve anything, as long as you do it and don not expect others to. There is no limit as to what you can do, as long as you put your mind to it and do it. You can never reach an end because only you are capable to push yourself towards all of these infinite possibilities. 

"To see a world in a Grain of Sand

And a Heaven in a wild flower,

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand

And Eternity in an hour..."

Only a fool would not see the beauty in this. There is a whole different life time going on inside the smallest of things. And true beauty can be shown in the purest, strongest things. The creations of God make a heaven on Earth if you look at the design and beauty of it all. You have the power to create infinite chances and create the best things in your life in the small window of life that you get a glimpse at. These possibilities are not a fabrication, but an actual thing and each one is as unique as the individual creating them. 

"In the Universe, there are things that are known, 

and things that are unknown and in between, 

there are doors."

So, in life you have things that are certain to exist, things that cannot possibly be, and things that nobody knows about. You have to find out about them by taking a risk and opening a door that will lead down a new path and will hold things that are uncertain. But that is the only way forwards as otherwise you are going to be so stuck in your ways, that you are going to lose everything. The known is boring, the impossible is out of bounds, so the unknown is the only way forwards. It may not be the safest path, but it is the one that is going to throw the most chances at you. 

Fed Up

I am so fed up of this. Fed up of people,feeling angry, feeling ignored and rejected. Fed up of feeling like the third wheel wherever I go. Feeling like I am unwanted, wherever I go. Fed up of feeling like I can't have a normal convention as everyone thinks that something is wrong, but all I want is a conversation about anything.

I'm fed up. I'm angry. I feel slightly depressed. And I feel pretty darn worthless. I don't know if people genuinely don't want me there or it has nothing to do with them. I don't know if people are annoyed by me. Right now, I feel pretty darn worthless and isolated. It may just be today and the rest of the week, but I have the sense that people just don't want me there.

So forgive me if I'm being stupid, but can somebody just tell me something and anything. It is pissing me off. I can't read people's minds, so how the hell am I supposed to know!

Differance Between Happiness

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. And one thing that cropped up, was the difference between the silver happiness and the blue-green-turquoise happiness. And I have come to a conclusion...

So, the silver circles of happiness is for the happiness that you get from others. You know when someone has a happy vibe and it catches, it's like that. You feel happy because they are happy and you can't help but feel happy for them. You can't help but feel happy about everything. You catch it from others and you feel other people's happiness. So in a way, it doesn't start out as your happiness, but it becomes it through others.

The blue-green-turquoise happiness is your happiness. It is so pure and up their. It is hyper and awesome. It is what you feel because you are so in love with something. You feel it for no reason. You feel it because something amazing has happened. You feel it because you are you and you love it. It's like it has joy mixed in with it. It is such a pure emotion that belongs only to you. It is that happiness. The happiness where nothing is going to bring you down. The happiness where all you can think of is how awesome everything is. It is down to you only.

So, that is the difference between happiness. I don't know if that made sense. But it did to me.

Keeping Calm

What do you do when you panic? When you freak out? When you are so close to going back into bad habits? When you are scared and angry? Seriously, when you are as far away as possible from calm... What do you do? Me, I write it down several times and then try to make it seem logical. The amount of times I have written this post is just too many. It started off as an angry rant, then a low down of the day, then a confession of self hate and now it's about something.

So why am I panicking? Well this sounds very stupid, but I'm 59 calories over 900 calories. I feel so guilty and worthless. But I'm trying to find logic and reason in the fact that it is still less than 1000, which is less than a half. But no, it's not working. I want to get up really early tomorrow and run for hours. But no, I can't do that can I? I hate choosing not to run. I'd much rather have my friends, but I wish they'd understand why I need to run. Just once a week. It can't do any harm. Not really. 

I am also extremely angry. I don't think I haven't gotten annoyed at anyone this evening. I have gotten annoyed with anyone who spoke to me at some point. And do you know what it is like to see so many orange triangles shatter in front of your eyes? It's an explosion of bright orange glass. It shatters towards you. So yeah, anger does get very annoying. This constant shattering of bright orange. 

I got so angry at one point today that I wanted to cut myself just to get rid of it. Bad habit. But I didn't. I grabbed a guy with a green voice. A calm voice. And made him talk. It's funny that just by seeing his voice, it made you think calm. That dude is a legend. He spoke about a cafe or something in Spanish. Thank you. 

So yeah, I feel very guilty. This makes me angry. Usually, I'd run to get rid of anger. But I can't. So I'm kind of stuck in this cycle between anger and guilt and guilt and anger. On and on it loops in a circle. Just let me run! Would you rather I ran behind your back (I am so close to doing that), and over did it. Or, would you rather I ran with your knowledge, but you had a say in it? Let me run! It would make this whole thing so much easier to deal with!