Let Down

My dad is a let down. Time and time again he lets me down and makes empty promises and he always messes things up for me, like my dream job. He always does it. He drinks and drinks and drinks and hurts me emotionally time and time again. I guess I should have learnt by now not to trust him or to know that he will let me down.

It sounds trivial but its always about my older sister and younger brother with him. I'm just his spare. I don't mind that but its when he tells you this and then lies about it to his friends and makes out how much he cares about you. But when did he ever take me to karate or to a fight. When did he ever offer to help me learn piano or to buy me a book. He has never helped me with anything. There's never anything for me.

He has let me down too many times. He messes up my chances at anything I want to do. That's because he is a drunk and nasty man who deserves nothing from his life any more. He expects you to tip toe around his drinking and how he feels. He goes off without telling anyone and then gets pissed when you don't care or notice. He is a nasty man who drives around drunk and hurts you. And he lets you down and messes life up for you if you aren't like him.

He is a nasty man who shouts and tries to make out that he is incapable of anything. I'd rather he was out of my life forever so that I can never be hurt or let down by him again. Mum says all men are like that. But if they are, I'm going to have a lonely life because of him.

What I Should Have Said To Derek...

I met the amazing Derek Landy on Saturday! He is a genius and inspiring and he has unknowingly helped me through tough times with his stories. Valkyries struggle with Darquesse reflects the struggle that I have with food and the way I see the world. And being able to pick up one of his books helps, even if I only read my favourite chapters. I guess I should have said that to Derek.

In his ultimate book: "The Dying of the Light", Derek writes about Valkyrie seeing peoples auras. He describes the different colours that she sees for each person there. This, for me, was amazing. After a lot of research and talking to a few people who know a thing or too, I discovered that I have synaesthesia, and for Derek to write about Val seeing these colours meant loads to me as it helped me know that it's extraordinary as it's such a rare form of magic in the books and that reflects how amazing it is in real life.

Valkyrie has also helped me through anorexia. She has a demon, Darquesse. And at sixteen and going through fighting her demon in her head, I felt like I could be like her and be strong and get through it. And with so much support from my friends and obsessive reading of books five to seven, I'm no longer fighting the demon in my head as much and I'm learning how to control it. The demon's still there, but I know if I'm strong like Valkyrie, determined like Tanith and egotistical like Skulduggery, I'll fight the demon as Derek has written the words to show me that every person has a dark side but if they are truly determined, they'll get through it and come out the other side a much stronger person.

Derek is truly a lovely guy. Don't know how he does it! Sitting there talking to fans all day and signing books and being upbeat. He is so amazing and his work reflects that. He never fails to rip your heart out and leave it to be stomped on. Thank you Golden God!

IT'S TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I owe you an apologie

I want to say sorry to my best guy. You mean the world to me and yet I can be such a bitch to you.

You try and help me through everything and I get pissed at you. So I'm sorry. I want to be with you and my friends but conversations aren't coming easily to me.

I find it hard to know what to say as there is so much going on in my head. But these are not excuses as to the way I've treated you and stuck you in the middle of it all.

I'm so sorry. You are trying to so what's best and to make things right. I don't deserve you. You try and do the best and make things right and understand what's going on to find a solution and to make it alright. You are a kind and caring person and I'm sorry.

Appreciate

I never really knew how much I take things for granted. I take people for granted too. And I didn't realise it. This isn't going to be another self pity post. There are too many of them in the world and I don't need to contribute another one.

Seriously people. Friends. You never realise how much you love them until they're not there. Its so sad when they are gone. Even if its for a few days. I love them soooo sooooo much!! I love you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stuck in the Mud

I can't think of a way to say this. That's happening a lot at the moment. Finding the right words and putting words together to make them fit. But here its conveying it in the right way. I have a word document that I use when I can't get the words out or when I feel that it's something I can't share with what could potentially be complete strangers or the wrong person. But this doesn't fit that. So if I put it the wrong way or say something that doesn't make sense or come across as rude, I'm sorry but I tried my best.

The sad thing is that you have a family. Yes my family loves me and I love parts of them. But family shouldn't literally throw or throw any act of kindness back in your face. They shouldn't be aggressive or make personal comments that are to do with the things you've struggled with.. Now this may be me being a moany self centred witch and you may say that it's just family being family. But it's not. They hurt you day after day. And it's all four of them. My sisters not around not, but when she is here her and my brother make jokes at my expense. And they hurt. They're not kind. By brother treats me like dirt when its just family around and even more when he is showing off to his friends. My dad is a nasty drunk. Very rarely do I see him sober. And when he is sober he has two versions of himself. The nice funny man, the caring kind nurse and then there is the nasty man who shouts and belittles you. My mum and I get along most of the time when we are together, which is rare. They criticize me and the fact that my parents are out or hammered most days of the week its down to me to cook and clean and yet they throw it back at me. Yes they are good people, but they have little respect and awareness. My mum sits there and slags of religion, particularly Christianity, and yet if I try to defend it or poke fun at her hippy beliefs, she jumps down my throat and is very nasty about it. Friends say get out of the house and go stay with a friend. But they're either too far away and most likely busy. So it feels like you're stuck. Stuck in the mud. Thats what it feels like. Your heart is weighed down in mud and you're stuck there in the sticky mud.

Then there are the people I care about, but it feels like they don't care half as much. Add that to the feeling like someone you are so close to is pulling away from you and you feel hollow and alone. And this has been a while. This hollow hollow feeling. And it just gets bigger. Its a peach-orange that gets so dark that its almost black in places. So here it is.  Hollow and lonely and trapped. Always good.

I Understand Now

I understand now. I understand what it's been like for everyone when I was in a bad place. There's someone you care about and you don't know how to go about helping them. You know what's eating them up inside. But you just don't know how to help them. And it makes you sad. I get it now.

It's horrible to sit back and watch somebody you care about struggle and feel down. You understand where they are coming from and know how they feel. That's the funny thing, you know how they're feeling. You totally understand. It's something that you're still trying to get better from. But they're not ill with it. They're just insecure and upstart about it and are feeling bad about themselves. So you do know how to help. You know what to say but you don't. You hate to see them hurting but you don't know what to say to make it better.

Please just let me know. I hate your words being a light cloudy grey tinged with a light baby blue. It's horrible to see you sad. To see you hurting. But don't hide it. I want to help you. But I get how powerless you felt. I know that no matter what anyone says and no matter how hard you try to believe it, it just doesn't go in. Because you can't help but find fault with yourself and always link it back to this one thing. And it eats you up.

Listen to me, you are a perfect human the way you are and you needn't worry. There is no point in comparing yourself to anyone else as every human is different.

So I just wanted you to know that I understand. I know how frustrating and powerless it is to watch it happen to someone. How that orange the colour of the insides of a pumpkins makes you feel so frustrated that this person isn't seeing what you see. I get it. And I'll be here for you when ever you need me. I promise. I understand you now. Please believe me when I say that you are fine the way you are. More than fine. And it doesn't matter if your 20 stone or solid muscle or as thin as a tooth pick or just you, as you are perfect the way you are and you don't need to change a thing about yourself. Hand on heart.