Oh I could be oh so poetic about this. I could write it in a poetic way. And it would be boring then. Who wants life to be one big long interpretation? Nobody! That's for sure! Well, sating that... some people might like to interpret things.
So, food. Food is essential to life and in a way that really does suck. I don't like a lot of food and if I had the choice I would go without. I still struggle with food. I want to go back to this safety net of 900 calories, which I know is really bad for me. I still find it really hard to eat a lot of foods and I still find it hard to eat out in public places. I can't eat a sandwich in school. Sounds stupid, but I just can't do it.
It's been playing on my mind a lot recently. Will this ever go away? Will I ever have a normal relationship with food? I'm still scared to put dairy in my mouth, which makes breakfast hard. But I've just had to accept that it is something I'm going to live with till I get over it. I can't bring myself to eat rice. I can just about manage the smallest amount of potato. I can do a mouthful of something like cake or chocolate. But then I feel so incredibly guilty and I have to exercise.
The thoughts of guilt and shamefulness still plague my mind. The little voice in the back of my mind. Always there. But I've learnt not to listen to it. I am perfectly okay. And you shouldn't let food control your life.
Body image is still something I struggle with. But then again who doesn't? Blame society and media stereotypes for that one.
I'm really anxious about this weekend mind. It's a DofE hike thing. And there is a whole list of foods there that I'm scared to eat, I can't eat and I don't like. And then there is the fact that it is outside. And the fact that there is no way to control the bacteria and the pressure to eat because we would have been hiking. The pressure to eat enough to keep everyone else safe. The pressure to eat so that it stops mother and my lovely guy from worrying. The pressure to eat so that others feel safe around me. But what if I can't? What if I'm just not hungry? What if I don't eat enough? What if I can't put the rice or the chocolate or the cheese in my mouth? What if it's a bad day? If it's a bad day at home I just find something that I can eat and I take my time over it. But I can't do that in a field. A bad day at home takes me a while to eat but I get around to it and I eat when I'm comfortable to. I used to be so scared I'd cry and shake and hate myself. They've never seen that. What if I can't do it? What if they see that? How would they take it? I don't think they'd understand. They've never been put in that situation before. Not inside their own head. I don't know if it's going to be okay. To tell the truth, I'm scared.
But what will be, will be. Oh gosh. Never mind. Life trundles on. It's just 2 days.
Saturday, 22 March 2014
Friday, 28 February 2014
Josh Turner
So, yeah, I admit it... I am an obsessive person! But who isn't? If there is something that you love and is just so amazing then why not listen to it on repeat for months on end?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlOjsJ4pCDY
Josh Turner is a country singer from America and his voice is just so unbelievable! It is magical! It is a creamy purple. And then the low gruff parts he sings is in a fluffy dark blue. The main part of his voice is the colour of an off set cream fabric colour. It is really lovely. So sweet and soulful and honest. Its still got that odd custardy colour in it. But the off set cream is more prominent. And then you have a dark purple, a bit like the colour of the rose in my picture, but it has had nail varnish remover dropped over it and the purple has faded out all over the cream and only the purple has run creating this stained tie-dye effect. The blue is like a dark jeans blue shade and it looks like it has been dunked in cotton wool and the colour has rubbed off on it.
Seriously, this mans voice is so beautiful! It's a sexy mish mash.. Its one of the few voices that I could listen to all day. He has a handsome voice. It just has that safe tone to it. And the way it just wraps it around you in a sexy kinda way. So beautiful!
So anyway, it's a lovely voice!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlOjsJ4pCDY
Josh Turner is a country singer from America and his voice is just so unbelievable! It is magical! It is a creamy purple. And then the low gruff parts he sings is in a fluffy dark blue. The main part of his voice is the colour of an off set cream fabric colour. It is really lovely. So sweet and soulful and honest. Its still got that odd custardy colour in it. But the off set cream is more prominent. And then you have a dark purple, a bit like the colour of the rose in my picture, but it has had nail varnish remover dropped over it and the purple has faded out all over the cream and only the purple has run creating this stained tie-dye effect. The blue is like a dark jeans blue shade and it looks like it has been dunked in cotton wool and the colour has rubbed off on it.
Seriously, this mans voice is so beautiful! It's a sexy mish mash.. Its one of the few voices that I could listen to all day. He has a handsome voice. It just has that safe tone to it. And the way it just wraps it around you in a sexy kinda way. So beautiful!
So anyway, it's a lovely voice!
Wednesday, 26 February 2014
L.O.V.E
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love! Amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore, amore!
Amor, amor, amor, amor, amor. amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor!
Love is a brilliant thing. There is something that everyone has in their life that they love. Whether it be a toy, book, poem, memory or person ext. But there is something. Even the most depressed person has something that they love.
I love lots of things! I love Derek Landy's Skulduggery Pleasant, my gosh do I want him to write the last book quickly... so sad it is the last one, my dear Darquess and Valkyrie! And my darling Vile! My lover Skulduggery! My babies Scapegrace, Gerald and Clarabella. And my puppy Desmod (there is definitely something more to him!) and finaly my beautiful China! My Darquess and Valkyrie... Oh my darling girl!
I also love music. Shush shush. And then there is the night! Oh my lady, the night! Such a beautiful thing! And I do love my friends! And I love my boy! He is just so handsome! I love my teddy bears and Disney! Oh Disney! You wonderful thing!
If the world was full of love and people could accept differences in people and just learn to get along then there would be no war! No unnecessary deaths! But unfortunately that is not so. People will always hate (I know I hate), and people will always be prejudice. And it sucks! But its something that has been engraved into our system since we were very little. I don't think that hate and discrimination is a part of human nature but the stories we had when we were all little people and upbringing of everyone has indoctrinated everyone into believing that it is a part of human nature! Again, that sucks!
Amor, amor, amor, amor, amor. amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor , amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor, amor!
Love is a brilliant thing. There is something that everyone has in their life that they love. Whether it be a toy, book, poem, memory or person ext. But there is something. Even the most depressed person has something that they love.
I love lots of things! I love Derek Landy's Skulduggery Pleasant, my gosh do I want him to write the last book quickly... so sad it is the last one, my dear Darquess and Valkyrie! And my darling Vile! My lover Skulduggery! My babies Scapegrace, Gerald and Clarabella. And my puppy Desmod (there is definitely something more to him!) and finaly my beautiful China! My Darquess and Valkyrie... Oh my darling girl!
I also love music. Shush shush. And then there is the night! Oh my lady, the night! Such a beautiful thing! And I do love my friends! And I love my boy! He is just so handsome! I love my teddy bears and Disney! Oh Disney! You wonderful thing!
If the world was full of love and people could accept differences in people and just learn to get along then there would be no war! No unnecessary deaths! But unfortunately that is not so. People will always hate (I know I hate), and people will always be prejudice. And it sucks! But its something that has been engraved into our system since we were very little. I don't think that hate and discrimination is a part of human nature but the stories we had when we were all little people and upbringing of everyone has indoctrinated everyone into believing that it is a part of human nature! Again, that sucks!
Thursday, 20 February 2014
Knowing You Can't Have It.
I've worked out what's making me unhappy and making me think a lot and doubt a lot. And I know that I have a lot of work to do until it's fully okay. Coz I wanna get back on a 900 calorie diet even though I know that it will kill me, ruin everything that I've worked through and achieved. So I won't. But at least now I know that it's bothering me.
Monday, 17 February 2014
Late Night Thinking
So the beauty of sleep doth seem to evade me tonight. Mean, I know. But it's probably inevitable. I'm thinking. It's a dangerous thing for me to do. But when I start thinking I can't stop. I've been thinking about this same thing for a few days now... we could all do with a good chat now and again. A chat with one of ma girls would be awesome.
We had Famayzel day the other weekend. It was awesome. I loved spending time with ma girls. Well, two of em. It was awesome! We made pasta and made a den and there was a thunder and lightning storm and snoring and laughing. It was so much fun!
I need a good old chat. I love talking. It's fun. It is an important part of my life. Talking through things always seems to make them better or give a clearer understanding. That would be great. I doubt know if it's just me worrying or if it's reality. Sometimes it's hard to tell what's real and what's not. It's not like watching TV and sitting in a room with people Anglo are talking. A TV voice has the texture of a photo taken on a bad quality phone camera. All grainy and bubble like.
But it's hard to tell if a worry is just in your head or if it is real. Is this going to happen? Are you feeling this? Is it just me? Am I making up? Do you think this? Is what you say true? Am I being stupid?
On to lighter ramblings... big party tomorrow. It's not mine. I can't stand crowds of more than 10 people in an outdoors place. That's why at school intend to move around and away from the big crowds or groups. I don't like it. But this party is lots and lots of people. The majority I don't know or particularly like. Ahhh well, I'm gonna throw myself at the dance floor and just escape in the music.
It's gonna be the first time my mates have ever seen me properly engaged with the music. The rest of the world disappears and then it's just me. Yeah, I can't dance, but I can have a good time. Just like that wonderful day...
November 21st 2013 it was an awesome day. The guy I love and my fave music all coming together in a smush of violet. Isn't that awesome.
Ya know, I can't help but feel mean when it comes to him. Meh, that's something I'm gonna talk to him about. I love talking to him. He is one beautifully handsome being. Ahhh well. Life goes on people.
Life just Carey's on and leaves you running after it. And then ya catch up. And then it runs off without you again. The whore, but hey, life rocks really.
We had Famayzel day the other weekend. It was awesome. I loved spending time with ma girls. Well, two of em. It was awesome! We made pasta and made a den and there was a thunder and lightning storm and snoring and laughing. It was so much fun!
I need a good old chat. I love talking. It's fun. It is an important part of my life. Talking through things always seems to make them better or give a clearer understanding. That would be great. I doubt know if it's just me worrying or if it's reality. Sometimes it's hard to tell what's real and what's not. It's not like watching TV and sitting in a room with people Anglo are talking. A TV voice has the texture of a photo taken on a bad quality phone camera. All grainy and bubble like.
But it's hard to tell if a worry is just in your head or if it is real. Is this going to happen? Are you feeling this? Is it just me? Am I making up? Do you think this? Is what you say true? Am I being stupid?
On to lighter ramblings... big party tomorrow. It's not mine. I can't stand crowds of more than 10 people in an outdoors place. That's why at school intend to move around and away from the big crowds or groups. I don't like it. But this party is lots and lots of people. The majority I don't know or particularly like. Ahhh well, I'm gonna throw myself at the dance floor and just escape in the music.
It's gonna be the first time my mates have ever seen me properly engaged with the music. The rest of the world disappears and then it's just me. Yeah, I can't dance, but I can have a good time. Just like that wonderful day...
November 21st 2013 it was an awesome day. The guy I love and my fave music all coming together in a smush of violet. Isn't that awesome.
Ya know, I can't help but feel mean when it comes to him. Meh, that's something I'm gonna talk to him about. I love talking to him. He is one beautifully handsome being. Ahhh well. Life goes on people.
Life just Carey's on and leaves you running after it. And then ya catch up. And then it runs off without you again. The whore, but hey, life rocks really.
Saturday, 15 February 2014
Happy Belated Valentine's Day
Happy Valentine's Day! I know it's late but I've been busy.
Happy Valentine's Day to my girls and guys! You guys are awesome! Love every single one of you! Kisses and hugs! Xxx
Happy Valentine's Day to my handsome boyfriend! I love you most! Thanks for an awesome day yesterday! The presents are adorable, like you! The Lego Movie was amazing as are you! Thank you for always being there and I'm always gonna be there for you babe! Love you mosterest!!!!!!! Xxxx
Happy Valentine's Day to my girls and guys! You guys are awesome! Love every single one of you! Kisses and hugs! Xxx
Happy Valentine's Day to my handsome boyfriend! I love you most! Thanks for an awesome day yesterday! The presents are adorable, like you! The Lego Movie was amazing as are you! Thank you for always being there and I'm always gonna be there for you babe! Love you mosterest!!!!!!! Xxxx
Tuesday, 4 February 2014
Mocks
Yay! Mocks! Woop Woop! The weeks are blurring together. Everyone is stressed, tired and completely out of it. That's what GCSEs do.
Seriously, the education system is messed up. We are making decisions that are going to dictate the rest of our life at 14 and sitting the exams at 16. Seriously, which bright spark thought that it was a good idea to make sleepy, moody and emotional people make such massive decisions? It has no logic...
But anyway, the mocks are nearly over! Yaya! And then we have the real things! I'm really looking forward to them if I'm honest! I love studying, learning and creating the revision pages! It's so fun... even the Latin!
But squashing the mocks into two weeks was not a good idea. Everyone looks tired as a tired monster who just wants to sleep. It does feel like there are two hocks under my eyes and are pulling them closed. Its ridonkulous. Everyone is on edge and dog tired and so touchy!
No joke, you can't even have a joke without someone biting the others head off because everyone is so tired and stressed. But ma friendship groups are so strong that we all know its just stress and tiredness and general "AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG"ness.
But, the best thing about the mocks is enjoying the exam and the countless Disney movies I get to watch to unwind! I <3 Disney! OOOooooo look at that, "text talk"... you should be proud!
Seriously, the education system is messed up. We are making decisions that are going to dictate the rest of our life at 14 and sitting the exams at 16. Seriously, which bright spark thought that it was a good idea to make sleepy, moody and emotional people make such massive decisions? It has no logic...
But anyway, the mocks are nearly over! Yaya! And then we have the real things! I'm really looking forward to them if I'm honest! I love studying, learning and creating the revision pages! It's so fun... even the Latin!
But squashing the mocks into two weeks was not a good idea. Everyone looks tired as a tired monster who just wants to sleep. It does feel like there are two hocks under my eyes and are pulling them closed. Its ridonkulous. Everyone is on edge and dog tired and so touchy!
No joke, you can't even have a joke without someone biting the others head off because everyone is so tired and stressed. But ma friendship groups are so strong that we all know its just stress and tiredness and general "AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG"ness.
But, the best thing about the mocks is enjoying the exam and the countless Disney movies I get to watch to unwind! I <3 Disney! OOOooooo look at that, "text talk"... you should be proud!
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