New Story

So, my old friend the eating disorder has decided to open a new chapter. Hello thigh gap. Hello flat stomach and hello hating all the fat everywhere.

I'm Not Ashamed

I'm not ashamed to feel like a fat human and do something about it. I'm not ashamed to go down kicking and screaming as I do everything I can to be thin. I don't care. Not any more.

I love my friends and I love them with my whole heart. But this feeling inside, I hate. And it's telling me that I'm fat and I have to agree with it because it's never truly gone away.

Yes, it's hypocritical, but I'm fighting for others not too feel the same way that I do. I'm fighting for other people not to ruin their lives over it.

I know that it's going to hurt my family. But at the same time, they are naive. It's all going to be okay one day. Bring on the fight. And I'm not ashamed. Not any more. Bring it!

Dark Days

Everyone has good and bad days right? Days where they are filled with hope and determination and then those days where they just don't care about anything and they see nothing but a void of swirls of black and gold a psychedelic sort of way that lead to the deep grey smog of depression. But make every day a swirling death depression day and coat it in an exterior of false pretences. That's been 80% of the days I've had since I started college.

It's taken me till now to realise how desperately unhappy I am. Its not because of any event or any person or even the fact that I have bipolar. It's because I disappoint myself. There are so many things that are wrong with me and there are so many things that I have done, out of my own free will, that I regret. And I hate myself for it. I really do.

I bet everyone gets up with the goal to do something that day. Something that they need or want to do, and most people do it. But the last time I did something that I set out to do was so long ago. The last time I did a piece of homework before 4 in the morning was secondary school. The last time I had any motivation for learning was secondary school. To quote Noah and the Whale "Everyone has one chance to fuck up their lives", and I'm f***ing up mine right now. And I shouldn't be. Now is too important and that's why I'm so disappointed.

I have just enough motivation to get up and walk to the bus stop in the mornings. I don't have the energy to sit through a lesson or the bus journey. It sucks. I used to love education and learning and trying to be the best. Now, I'm a disappointment and a failure. I just want to be good enough and motivated enough to achieve something. I want to be a chemist of some kind. I want to do really well in my A-levels. I want to be less scary. But that's just not happening right now.

I say I have no motivation, but I have the will-power to not eat. I don't eat on week days. Putting that one out there, I've gone backwards and hell, let me stay there for a while as it's giving me some fight. I am fighting to do the things that I love: music and karate and endless research on how to be thin. Yes, I'm being a hypocrite with all my campaigning about body image, but to me it's comforting.

I have control over this one part of my life. Nobody but me is telling me what to do. Nobody but me is making me reach deadlines. I am pushing myself to become an athlete again. I am going to do this. I know that I will get there. I get up on a Saturday and walk the 3.2 miles to karate and back. I run or cycle every day. I am motivated enough not to eat food, yet I have no motivation to do the things that will help me build a good life. Messed up.

So my days are dark. I disappoint myself daily and I have that depression cloud hanging over my head everyday and it's pretty much taken my life again. So goodbye manic, fun me. Hello to the girl who has to fight herself everyday just to get up of the floor and get out the door. I've missed you.

WHERE ARE THESE PEOPLE???????????????

SERIOUSLY, I NEED TO MEET THESE DISNEY, SUPERNATURAL, ONCE UPON A TIME OBSESSED PEOPLE! I HAVE SPENT HOURS CRYING OVER PICTURES AND VIDEOS PUT TOGETHER BY THESE PEOPLE AND ALL I CAN SEE IS THE EMERALD GREEN COLOUR OF HAPPINESS JUMPING AROUND MY VISION! DAMN IT! I NEED THESE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE! HOW AWESOME WOULD IT BE? WHERE ARE YOU?

New Year, Total Bull!

New Year means different things for different people. But most commonly and the most associated is a new start, broken and empty promises to yourself and a different out look on life. It's total bull.

Last year, I swore I would change. But who am I kidding? I haven't changed. I'm still me. Maybe a more miserable and pessimistic me who hates most people. But I'm still the pathetic person that I have always been. I still don't have a clear idea of what I want to do with my life. Nothing important has changed.

So all the promises you make to your self are empty and a load of bull. Will you really loose weight? Go to the gym? Or what ever you want to do. You won't. Because you make a change when you are ready to. Not when a calender tells you to. So go drink your face off and disappoint yourself.

That's Why

The drinking started today at about 10. It wont stop until The day after new years eve. Work included. Now you understand. The controlling alcoholics and me. It's not just y dad, but my mum and brother. Sooooo...

Funny That

Funny that revision made me me and that when I stopped just now, it all came back down again. Funny that I can't find a middle ground. Not funny but annoying. I'll get there, That's what I do.

There is a tired face looking back at me. Something is telling me that it's mine. But the face looks tired and broken and upset and tired. I'm so tired. And stressed and tired. I can't cope with it. There's no rock or anyone. Maybe I should stop. Or go. Or just give in. Who knows. Time will tell.

If

If I walked off a cliff
or walked in front of car
would you notice I was gone.
Would you notice I was gone.
If I stopped showing up
or stopped coming in
would you care where I'd gone
would you know where I'd gone

Ifs just a possibility
filled with so much uncertainty
would you notice if I stayed
would you notice if I went away.
If I went away.

If I made a noose tonight
if I died and went away
would you know i was gone
would you know i was gone
If I drowned tonight
if I swallowed 200 pills
would you know I was gone
would you care that I'd gone

  Ifs just a possibility
filled with so much uncertainty
would you notice if I stayed
would you notice if I went away.
If I went away.

If i went away
or if i stayed
would you notice a differance
I think i know the answer
so if i stay or go
you wouldn't even know I've gone away.

Men

The day a man keeps his promise, doesn't let me down, doesn't break my trust is the day I eat my hat. Until then, I hate most men I know. Oh and don't flatter yourself "darling", it's not all about you

Polar Bears

So, polar bears. What's with them? They're white and cute and deadly and also a funny representation for life. Such a cute thing is so deadly and dangerous. It appears to be one thing, but it's not. How cute they appear is really just hiding how deadly and dangerous they are.

The word polar bear also reminds me of the word bipolar. Funny that. I mean not really. Bipolar disorder is something that my friends have thought that I've got for a while. And it looks like they're right. At least that's what the doctor says. Personally, I just see it as me. But then I can also see how it's like a polar bear. From the distance its all okay, but when you get to know me and spend time with me, its a dangerous thing.

I guess I see the point. The sex, the hyperactivity, the wild dreams, the spontaneous actions. Once I decided to walk along a busy dangerous part of the A21 just because it was the quickest way somewhere. Another time I spent £400 on Disney because it made me so excited and I just had to have it. When I was with my boyfriend, I longed for him to be as close to me as possible. I want to jump of a high place just to see if I'll die. I picture it in the 3rd person. Odd that. I feel so low that I won't eat for weeks. I slip back into my anorexic habits. I don't want to do anything. I hate getting up. I hate sleeping. I can't sleep. I'm too awake. I'm depressed for ages. I'm in love. Heartbroken. Not needing anyone around. Feeling isolated. Paranoia. Not caring. Loving life. Hating life. Depression. Depression. Depression. Depression. Depression. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hurting. Wonderful.

I was wonderful until then. Now I'm not. Apparently things like that can trigger it. Or make the condition noticeable, or something like that. I wasn't listening. I was sitting there in disbelief. Sitting there being angry or just simply not listening. Picturing me playing the cello and practising none stop pouring my soul into this human that sings with a voice better than anyone else. It is so beautiful. And I've only just started to learn and yet it already feels like my soul mate.

I hate being like this. Up and down all the time. I'm angry at myself for letting a breakup effect me so much. For giving me the label. I'm angry for letting it show. If it hadn't have shown maybe I'd still be ignorant  to what had happened. I would be over it because the hyperactivity would have protected me. But the sadness can get heavy. So this is me. Bipolar. Crazy. Insane, Not good enough. Second place. Bipolar. Label. Used. Unhappy. Great. Determined. Alone. Bipolar. Out of control. Polar bear. It would be so easy to walk under a bus or tie a noose. Polar bear.

Run, Pray, Work, Pray, Eat, Pray, Sleep

Some times the best way to deal with the word is to ignore it.

Run as fast as you can as far as you can.

Pray whilst running.

Work as hard as you can for as long as possible in every spare moment.

Pray after working.

Eat when you aren't working or running.

Pray when eating.

Sleep when your day has worn you out.

Fill every moment with something to do. Get the most out of life.

Announcing

Religion in my house is frowned upon. I don't really understand why because both my parents were brought up in a religious home and as a young child they actively encouraged it. But they also encouraged us to make our own decisions with their guidance. And they guided me away from faith.

But now I'm here to say I believe in God. So much has changed to show me that there is a God and that the white-purple mist that is never quite there, is like that because He is always there. When you focus on it you understand that it is His love that is everywhere and the purple is so spread out because He loves us so much.

What really made me make my mind up and stop wavering on the edge was a combination of things. He was there when others turned their back. He was there when I felt scared and alone. He was there when I needed courage. He was there when hope broke. Most importantly, at the hardest time of realisation He gave me Josh Turner and in particular a song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MG57JZvge_I

The lyrics of the song spoke to me:

"If you're looking for somebody you can talk to,
When the troubles and the heart ache over comes you,
There's a man you can count on,
That you can put your problems on.

You've got questions,

You need directions
Arms to hold you for all eternity,
Look no further,
There's no other for a lover and an understander,
Jesus is the answer."

That just spoke to me. I could feel the waves of love. So I am here to say, that I believe. Its a wonderful thing and already I feel like the purple is guiding me. 

Yes, I do ignore some of the things I believe I'm being told to do, but that's because I know that now is not the time. So let life go on and open up your hearts to the world around you! 

Stalker

So there is this creepy child. She just stalks me. Or she used to. She used to read this blog and know everything about ,y life before I even knew her properly. What a stalker you are. And now she is a really good mate o'mine. Bless her. Such a freak. From her long hair that has no real set colour to her funny voice that is really very pretty, to how short she seems as we are all so tall. Bless the lovely child. I do love her. You silly stalk sod. :P

Goodbye

I've just had to say good bye to one of my favourite people on the planet. It took a lot of courage to do that. But it is for the best. It just wasn't working. I know over the phone wasn't the best, but face to face would have been too much and I'd have chickened out. I'm sorry

So Here We Are Again...

So, here we are again. Here we are old friend. It's been what? A year? and here we are again. You and me, my best friend. We work well together, you and I. Nothing ever really gets in the way of us meeting again. So lets take each other by the hand and walk off into the sunset like two lovers. We know one another like the back of our hands. So, me and you, forever and always xx

Blue Skies

So, the Song "Blue Skies" by Noah and the Whale springs to mind as it fits these past few days and probably the next few weeks perfectly:

This is a song for anyone
With a broken heart
This is a song for anyone
Who can't get out of bed

I'll do anything
To be happy
Oh, 'cause blue skies are calling
But I know that it's hard

This is the last song that I write
While still in love with you
This is the last song that I write
While you're even on my mind

Cause it's time to leave
Those feelings behind
Oh, 'cause blue skies are calling
But I know that it's hard

I don't think that it's the end
But I know we can't keep going
I don't think that it's the end
But I know we can't keep going

But blue skies are calling
Oh, yeah, blue skies are calling
Oh, blue skies are calling
But I know that it's hard

The lyrics really mean a lot to me at the moment. I've been feeling so low and angry with the world and some days, I haven't wanted to get out of bed or go to college or even see my mates at the end of the week. But this is it. I don't what we had to be over, but it wasn't working how it should have. So, I'm putting my beliefs to the side as it is time to move on. We can't keep going. If it works out in the future, great. But we both know that's never going to happen. It is time to move on. 

In moving on, there will be days when I pine and there will be days when it is time to leave those feelings behind and look back with fondness and know that slowly it's getting better. We have to move on, stop fighting and let what will happen, happen. 

It applies to everyone it feels like I'm losing or lost. Friendships are good whilst they last, but you can't hang on to them if they aren't going to make you happy. Yes, I've felt so miserable for months and it just gets worse the more I dwell on how lonely it is now, but there are blue skies and rainbows, unicorns, smiles and laughter on the way. It's not going to bad forever. 

If you told me that things would get better this time last year, I wouldn't have believed you. I was stick thin, really not right in my head, miserable and wanting the impossible. Now I'm fighting for everything I want and not letting anything get in my way. I've changed as a person. I've grown into someone who can stand on my own two feet. I've changed. People change. 

People changing is why friendships change. It's why friendships fall apart. You see someone who was already arrogant becoming so far up themselves that they are unbearable. They swear and cross the lines and don't stop. They don't know when to, or rather they choose not to. That's a change from the arrogant but caring friend you had. Another friend changes as they are vulnerable. They feel exposed and scared and make rash decisions. They make bad decisions and then they lie. They impulsively lie and things that didn't bother them before or would have made them laugh, make them bitter now. They see it all as a personal attack and they don't understand why someone would have turned on them. They are scared and when people get to close they run. They put up a front that's not them and the kind, sweet and funny person is gone. Another change. Another looks down their nose even more. Belittle's everyone around them, making them feel even worse and inferior. They weren't ever like that. They always made the effort and thought that all of us were equals. 

So, with the blue skies on the horizon, it's time to swallow my pride and accept that this is going to be the loneliest time of my life, this week. My birthday will go unnoticed by most. The things I want to do will be ignored or people will lie as they don't want to be there. But that's okay. It is a time to get my study head back. I'll look back at moments over the past year with fondness. I won't regret anything I've done, any decision, because it has been the best time of my life. 

Explosion

Everything in life just seems to be exploding in a bubble of chaos and confusing. Why?

I'm Practically A Vegan... :O

So, I went to the doctors and he was like "Hmmmm maybe you shouldn't eat dairy for a while" :( and then this morning, it hit me! I'm practically a vegan :O I don't eat meat or egg and now I can't have milk based things. :( WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TOO?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Retrospect- The Last Quite A Long Time

So, in retrospect of the last however many months that equates to too many days and too many hours with an impossible number of seconds, I've concluded that people aren't hat they seem. Those you thought to be people you can rely on may not be and those you only vaguely know turn out to be better than others you know.

The people that you love will change over time. The people that you care about will fade in and out of how much you care. The way you act around people will change and the way you are will never be the same. You have moments in your life when you will be the most fun person to be around, and moments when you are not. My moment at the moment is the not. But that doesn't bother me, because my time will come again.

A wise friend told me today that it would be heartbreaking to watch me go back to the way I was. I relied on one person so much that we lost who we were along the way. Everyday who you are friends with changes and it gets harder to make a decision the more you get to know somebody. And the things you want to do also change. We all change so much and that's a scary thought. Change is scary.

I guess the reason why change is so scary is because we aren't used to it. I want to hang on to the safe environment that I've created for myself. It was really warm and purple and hugged me in a warm blanket by the fire with a warm cup of tea. It's the nice safe feeling that you get. Maybe your favourite place. Or you favourite thing. My safety is the warmth that I get and the rainbow of colours that are in my world.

So forgive and forget. Love and cry. Be happy and sad and move on with life. We all make mistakes and we all learn from our experiences. We all have memories and sometimes that's for the best. And today has really shown me that there are more important things in life than the pain you put yourself through when you can move on with life and worry about things that need your attention.