Polar Bears

So, polar bears. What's with them? They're white and cute and deadly and also a funny representation for life. Such a cute thing is so deadly and dangerous. It appears to be one thing, but it's not. How cute they appear is really just hiding how deadly and dangerous they are.

The word polar bear also reminds me of the word bipolar. Funny that. I mean not really. Bipolar disorder is something that my friends have thought that I've got for a while. And it looks like they're right. At least that's what the doctor says. Personally, I just see it as me. But then I can also see how it's like a polar bear. From the distance its all okay, but when you get to know me and spend time with me, its a dangerous thing.

I guess I see the point. The sex, the hyperactivity, the wild dreams, the spontaneous actions. Once I decided to walk along a busy dangerous part of the A21 just because it was the quickest way somewhere. Another time I spent £400 on Disney because it made me so excited and I just had to have it. When I was with my boyfriend, I longed for him to be as close to me as possible. I want to jump of a high place just to see if I'll die. I picture it in the 3rd person. Odd that. I feel so low that I won't eat for weeks. I slip back into my anorexic habits. I don't want to do anything. I hate getting up. I hate sleeping. I can't sleep. I'm too awake. I'm depressed for ages. I'm in love. Heartbroken. Not needing anyone around. Feeling isolated. Paranoia. Not caring. Loving life. Hating life. Depression. Depression. Depression. Depression. Depression. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hyper. Hurting. Wonderful.

I was wonderful until then. Now I'm not. Apparently things like that can trigger it. Or make the condition noticeable, or something like that. I wasn't listening. I was sitting there in disbelief. Sitting there being angry or just simply not listening. Picturing me playing the cello and practising none stop pouring my soul into this human that sings with a voice better than anyone else. It is so beautiful. And I've only just started to learn and yet it already feels like my soul mate.

I hate being like this. Up and down all the time. I'm angry at myself for letting a breakup effect me so much. For giving me the label. I'm angry for letting it show. If it hadn't have shown maybe I'd still be ignorant  to what had happened. I would be over it because the hyperactivity would have protected me. But the sadness can get heavy. So this is me. Bipolar. Crazy. Insane, Not good enough. Second place. Bipolar. Label. Used. Unhappy. Great. Determined. Alone. Bipolar. Out of control. Polar bear. It would be so easy to walk under a bus or tie a noose. Polar bear.