I owe you an apologie

I want to say sorry to my best guy. You mean the world to me and yet I can be such a bitch to you.

You try and help me through everything and I get pissed at you. So I'm sorry. I want to be with you and my friends but conversations aren't coming easily to me.

I find it hard to know what to say as there is so much going on in my head. But these are not excuses as to the way I've treated you and stuck you in the middle of it all.

I'm so sorry. You are trying to so what's best and to make things right. I don't deserve you. You try and do the best and make things right and understand what's going on to find a solution and to make it alright. You are a kind and caring person and I'm sorry.

Appreciate

I never really knew how much I take things for granted. I take people for granted too. And I didn't realise it. This isn't going to be another self pity post. There are too many of them in the world and I don't need to contribute another one.

Seriously people. Friends. You never realise how much you love them until they're not there. Its so sad when they are gone. Even if its for a few days. I love them soooo sooooo much!! I love you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stuck in the Mud

I can't think of a way to say this. That's happening a lot at the moment. Finding the right words and putting words together to make them fit. But here its conveying it in the right way. I have a word document that I use when I can't get the words out or when I feel that it's something I can't share with what could potentially be complete strangers or the wrong person. But this doesn't fit that. So if I put it the wrong way or say something that doesn't make sense or come across as rude, I'm sorry but I tried my best.

The sad thing is that you have a family. Yes my family loves me and I love parts of them. But family shouldn't literally throw or throw any act of kindness back in your face. They shouldn't be aggressive or make personal comments that are to do with the things you've struggled with.. Now this may be me being a moany self centred witch and you may say that it's just family being family. But it's not. They hurt you day after day. And it's all four of them. My sisters not around not, but when she is here her and my brother make jokes at my expense. And they hurt. They're not kind. By brother treats me like dirt when its just family around and even more when he is showing off to his friends. My dad is a nasty drunk. Very rarely do I see him sober. And when he is sober he has two versions of himself. The nice funny man, the caring kind nurse and then there is the nasty man who shouts and belittles you. My mum and I get along most of the time when we are together, which is rare. They criticize me and the fact that my parents are out or hammered most days of the week its down to me to cook and clean and yet they throw it back at me. Yes they are good people, but they have little respect and awareness. My mum sits there and slags of religion, particularly Christianity, and yet if I try to defend it or poke fun at her hippy beliefs, she jumps down my throat and is very nasty about it. Friends say get out of the house and go stay with a friend. But they're either too far away and most likely busy. So it feels like you're stuck. Stuck in the mud. Thats what it feels like. Your heart is weighed down in mud and you're stuck there in the sticky mud.

Then there are the people I care about, but it feels like they don't care half as much. Add that to the feeling like someone you are so close to is pulling away from you and you feel hollow and alone. And this has been a while. This hollow hollow feeling. And it just gets bigger. Its a peach-orange that gets so dark that its almost black in places. So here it is.  Hollow and lonely and trapped. Always good.

I Understand Now

I understand now. I understand what it's been like for everyone when I was in a bad place. There's someone you care about and you don't know how to go about helping them. You know what's eating them up inside. But you just don't know how to help them. And it makes you sad. I get it now.

It's horrible to sit back and watch somebody you care about struggle and feel down. You understand where they are coming from and know how they feel. That's the funny thing, you know how they're feeling. You totally understand. It's something that you're still trying to get better from. But they're not ill with it. They're just insecure and upstart about it and are feeling bad about themselves. So you do know how to help. You know what to say but you don't. You hate to see them hurting but you don't know what to say to make it better.

Please just let me know. I hate your words being a light cloudy grey tinged with a light baby blue. It's horrible to see you sad. To see you hurting. But don't hide it. I want to help you. But I get how powerless you felt. I know that no matter what anyone says and no matter how hard you try to believe it, it just doesn't go in. Because you can't help but find fault with yourself and always link it back to this one thing. And it eats you up.

Listen to me, you are a perfect human the way you are and you needn't worry. There is no point in comparing yourself to anyone else as every human is different.

So I just wanted you to know that I understand. I know how frustrating and powerless it is to watch it happen to someone. How that orange the colour of the insides of a pumpkins makes you feel so frustrated that this person isn't seeing what you see. I get it. And I'll be here for you when ever you need me. I promise. I understand you now. Please believe me when I say that you are fine the way you are. More than fine. And it doesn't matter if your 20 stone or solid muscle or as thin as a tooth pick or just you, as you are perfect the way you are and you don't need to change a thing about yourself. Hand on heart.

Finding the Words

Despite the fact that I'm not alone, I just feel it. It does feel like I'm just talking to a screen and never to a person. And I'm told to change this. To talk to my friends, but we have drifted apart so much that I'm shy around them and it should be like that. And it's my own fault really. I let my self get caught up in this green emerald and silver world that I've been living in since September. Yeah, it hasn't all been good, but I've got caught up in it, like a fish in a net. 

So it's my own fault that my friends don't seem that way. I'm caught up and I'm shy of my own friends. I don't know if we still know each other like we used to and I don't know if we are close or not. I guess it's my own fault and I guess I have to put aside the feeling that I can't make it better as we don't know each other and it feels shy to approach them. 

It's a funny ol thing. Floating on a boat in the middle of a perfect blue ocean and not being able to reach the boat where everyone is partying. But then again it's peaceful. But then you know that when you make it back to shore that the party's will begin and you just don't feel comfortable to go to them. 

It kinda feels a bit like the colour of a really bold pale blue-green. When it's just that colour and another it feels comfortable. But then anywhere else with more than one colour it feels forced to make it work. And it always feels like an outsider in a group or a third wheel to a pair. It just doesn't seem fair to others to be around them. It's not fair on that colour as it's a really nice block colour but it only shines when with another colour. 

I don't even know if I can put this into words

I don't know what time this is for who ever is reading this, but for me it's almost half five in the morning. And it is so so beautiful. Just sitting here on my bike by the window looking at the world around me is making me cry. This is making me cry even more. It is the most beautiful time ever.

The dawn chorus. The smell the taste the quietness. It is beautiful. I have had the most magical night. I couldn't sleep so I began to go through youtube and found the most moving film ever. It's one I'm gonna watch with my guy. It will move him. It is just so beautiful.

And then at almost 3 the started to come up and I've watched my room grow slowly lighter and it has moved me. I've never cried at dawn before. But it's throat beautiful thing. The russel of the leaves and the chirping of the birds. The colours are so pure and the taste of the air is so fine and the smell is the best thing ever. I want to share it with my guy. It is so beautiful and so special to me.

The sky has that look about it that tells you it's gonna be a warm and beautiful day. Let's hope it doesn't change. Olly and his family will have the most amazing time at Chessington today, even if he doesn't like rollercoasters. He is so blessed to have such a strong and wonderful family who do things together. The four of them are so lucky. God bless.

It is just so beautiful. Nothing could put it into words how I'm feeling. There are no words for the sight, sounds, smell and taste of this morning. I'm gonna go for a walk and just have a wonderful day. Thank you. It's wonderful.

Wickedness and Sin

So. I don't really want to be writing this. When you are feeling so miserable that you can tell if it doesn't change soon you will be going back down that spiral of depression again. What's this? It will be the 4th maybe 5th time it will happen. Great. Can't control my excitement.

It's just the best feeling ever. You are so happy, nothing will knock you off your perch. You just wanna do everything and get on a plane to the other side of the world and live there just because you can. Bake more than you can eat. See your friends. Go out and spend loads of money on anything. And then one day it just all drops...

You feel worthless, stupid, horrible. Demons that you thought you had got rid of come back and you sit there all night just thinking and praying. You don't want to go back down that road. Life is too short to be up and down all the time. You pray and pray and pray. You go to school for a few weeks. Keep that smile on your face. Most of the time it works. You believe that you're really and truly happy again. But then you get home. And the door slams in your face. You remember that this house is not a home and that when you can you'll leave. Enough of the words and the hurt.

You log onto the computer and see what everyone's been doing. And this totally destroys you. It unravels what you put together over the past months. You thought you were better. But a thin girl loosing weight and promising to do it publicly... well that just destroys you. You can't bare to look at yourself. You know that if she is loosing weight than you have to. After all you are fat.

But the next day, you're okay. More than happy and ready to go. Life just keeps on going. Exams start. You go on study leave. You are raring to go. Bring on the exams. Wednesday turns up. Your guys there. There is only one thought in your head. You are just so happy and hyper and up for it. You love him more than anything. More than Disney. He is your world. You know it is the biggest cliché ever, but this guy is the most perfect thing in your life. When the rest of life is going badly he is there, glowing all green and beautiful ready to put a smile on your face. This guy shows you that even though there are horrible parts to everyday life you just have to keep on going as the best bits are even better!

But then you drop. You wake up on THE most important Friday so far. Three exams, all of which are incredibly important and you just wanna stay in bed and cry. You get to school. The stress and tears start. One friend is an utterly annoying poo who just makes you want to go and hide as you think that you're turning into a pessimist like him. Then you can't get a hug as one friend thinks that it's okay to stop it by opening her mouth and telling you it makes her feel sick. Great.

Then it just goes downhill. You hate your body. You look at it. It's fat. But you know its not. You just want to be thin. To see the bones because that way you feel pretty. You want to feel pretty and normal and be like the rest of your girls. Thin and pretty. But you can't do this as you know you'll fail your GCSEs. This makes you feel even worse because with every mouthful you take it feels like you are putting a pound of weight on. Like I said, you thought you were over this. You've promised yourself that you'll go back to karate on June 21st. But you need more time. You need time to get thin again and to get fit again. Time to rid yourself of this hideous body. Some how you know you'll find time. You'll do it healthily however. But you'll lose the weight you need to. And then that should be enough for prom when it comes around. A tonned, thin, muscular body. That will put them all to shame.

So. Here I am. Writing this. Writing stuff. It has made me motivated. Motivated to get arms that have muscle and legs that are tonned and thin and abs. Motivated.