Stuck in the Mud

I can't think of a way to say this. That's happening a lot at the moment. Finding the right words and putting words together to make them fit. But here its conveying it in the right way. I have a word document that I use when I can't get the words out or when I feel that it's something I can't share with what could potentially be complete strangers or the wrong person. But this doesn't fit that. So if I put it the wrong way or say something that doesn't make sense or come across as rude, I'm sorry but I tried my best.

The sad thing is that you have a family. Yes my family loves me and I love parts of them. But family shouldn't literally throw or throw any act of kindness back in your face. They shouldn't be aggressive or make personal comments that are to do with the things you've struggled with.. Now this may be me being a moany self centred witch and you may say that it's just family being family. But it's not. They hurt you day after day. And it's all four of them. My sisters not around not, but when she is here her and my brother make jokes at my expense. And they hurt. They're not kind. By brother treats me like dirt when its just family around and even more when he is showing off to his friends. My dad is a nasty drunk. Very rarely do I see him sober. And when he is sober he has two versions of himself. The nice funny man, the caring kind nurse and then there is the nasty man who shouts and belittles you. My mum and I get along most of the time when we are together, which is rare. They criticize me and the fact that my parents are out or hammered most days of the week its down to me to cook and clean and yet they throw it back at me. Yes they are good people, but they have little respect and awareness. My mum sits there and slags of religion, particularly Christianity, and yet if I try to defend it or poke fun at her hippy beliefs, she jumps down my throat and is very nasty about it. Friends say get out of the house and go stay with a friend. But they're either too far away and most likely busy. So it feels like you're stuck. Stuck in the mud. Thats what it feels like. Your heart is weighed down in mud and you're stuck there in the sticky mud.

Then there are the people I care about, but it feels like they don't care half as much. Add that to the feeling like someone you are so close to is pulling away from you and you feel hollow and alone. And this has been a while. This hollow hollow feeling. And it just gets bigger. Its a peach-orange that gets so dark that its almost black in places. So here it is.  Hollow and lonely and trapped. Always good.