Wickedness and Sin

So. I don't really want to be writing this. When you are feeling so miserable that you can tell if it doesn't change soon you will be going back down that spiral of depression again. What's this? It will be the 4th maybe 5th time it will happen. Great. Can't control my excitement.

It's just the best feeling ever. You are so happy, nothing will knock you off your perch. You just wanna do everything and get on a plane to the other side of the world and live there just because you can. Bake more than you can eat. See your friends. Go out and spend loads of money on anything. And then one day it just all drops...

You feel worthless, stupid, horrible. Demons that you thought you had got rid of come back and you sit there all night just thinking and praying. You don't want to go back down that road. Life is too short to be up and down all the time. You pray and pray and pray. You go to school for a few weeks. Keep that smile on your face. Most of the time it works. You believe that you're really and truly happy again. But then you get home. And the door slams in your face. You remember that this house is not a home and that when you can you'll leave. Enough of the words and the hurt.

You log onto the computer and see what everyone's been doing. And this totally destroys you. It unravels what you put together over the past months. You thought you were better. But a thin girl loosing weight and promising to do it publicly... well that just destroys you. You can't bare to look at yourself. You know that if she is loosing weight than you have to. After all you are fat.

But the next day, you're okay. More than happy and ready to go. Life just keeps on going. Exams start. You go on study leave. You are raring to go. Bring on the exams. Wednesday turns up. Your guys there. There is only one thought in your head. You are just so happy and hyper and up for it. You love him more than anything. More than Disney. He is your world. You know it is the biggest cliché ever, but this guy is the most perfect thing in your life. When the rest of life is going badly he is there, glowing all green and beautiful ready to put a smile on your face. This guy shows you that even though there are horrible parts to everyday life you just have to keep on going as the best bits are even better!

But then you drop. You wake up on THE most important Friday so far. Three exams, all of which are incredibly important and you just wanna stay in bed and cry. You get to school. The stress and tears start. One friend is an utterly annoying poo who just makes you want to go and hide as you think that you're turning into a pessimist like him. Then you can't get a hug as one friend thinks that it's okay to stop it by opening her mouth and telling you it makes her feel sick. Great.

Then it just goes downhill. You hate your body. You look at it. It's fat. But you know its not. You just want to be thin. To see the bones because that way you feel pretty. You want to feel pretty and normal and be like the rest of your girls. Thin and pretty. But you can't do this as you know you'll fail your GCSEs. This makes you feel even worse because with every mouthful you take it feels like you are putting a pound of weight on. Like I said, you thought you were over this. You've promised yourself that you'll go back to karate on June 21st. But you need more time. You need time to get thin again and to get fit again. Time to rid yourself of this hideous body. Some how you know you'll find time. You'll do it healthily however. But you'll lose the weight you need to. And then that should be enough for prom when it comes around. A tonned, thin, muscular body. That will put them all to shame.

So. Here I am. Writing this. Writing stuff. It has made me motivated. Motivated to get arms that have muscle and legs that are tonned and thin and abs. Motivated.

Hypothetically Speaking

In a hypothetical sense, imagine this...

In yourself you don't feel right. You don't feel like you used to. Your body isn't right...You are in a group of people and there is a four a four a four a host and then there is one person who tries to get involved and seems invisible. You wanna help them but you are invisible to them. So you watch this person look alone and whenever they try to engage in a conversation with someone, you get the sense that the other person just gets annoyed at them. So they push down what they are feeing and move on...You're worried. Really worried about someone you care about. They shut you out and it feels like they don't want you to know...

You out all the effort into a friendship and nothing comes back out to you. What do you do? Give up? Keep trying? Stop caring...You say mean things to someone you care about. You hate yourself for it, but they've been ignoring you and seem fed up with you. Laugh it off and carry on. 

Now if I was a fairy godmother and this one person was feeling all of this, I'd help them in every way tto try and make them feel better. I'd use magic to show them the path they should be on. Tell them that it will all be okay. And as long as they remain a good person and try and help the people they care about and remain faithful to these people then it will be okay. But if they treat you like nothing then move on and leave it all behind. It's there loss. Not yours. 

You Know When...

You know when you hate yourself for no reasonn?
You know when you look at food at it makes you feel sick despite the fact you are really hungry and could eat anything?
You know when you just can't sleep for weeks on end?
You know when you want to cry but can't?
You know when you are just so fabulous that the rest of the world dies as they can't handle it?
You know when you get along really well with one of your parents freinds, but they don't like them?
You know when you just can't do physics?
Or maths?
Or when you feel really stupid?
Or when you just want a hug?
When you just wanna get out?
Want to have the motivation to revise?

Well be happy and fly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just Keep Smiling

Just keep smiling. No matter what life throws at you, if you can smile and assure yourself and others that it is gonna be okay, everything seems better. Just put that faded green smile on your face and keep it together. Life is always so much better with a smile.

Stop hating yourself and keep it together. Let other people need to lean on you for once. Because you can do it. You need to be there for them. You see them freaking out and you need to keep the calm. They're your friend and you have to keep them happy and safe. So smile and wave and be happy.

Coz it's all gonna be okay. It always is. Always gonna be here for y'all and it's all gonna be okie dokie. No matter what you say, it's easy to see that it's still bothering you and on your mind. You say you're gonna carry on with life, but let's be honest, you're freaking out and it's okay. I'm here for you. 

Derek

So...It's the Easter Holidays! Only a few days left now. Depressing. I don't wanna go back to school. GCSEs. Erg! But this holiday has been AWESOME! Seen ma girls, ma guy and that dude who just happens to be my friend. We had lots of fun. And now down to work. Meh.

But... Derek Landy ha released the book title for book 9. I had to take a few hours to calm down. I reckon Valkyrie will die. I love Val, she is amazing. She inspired me to get fit and be a ninja! She is everything I'd love to be! Cool, hot, muscular and she has MAGIC! MAGIC! It's AMAZING! And her evil side Darquesse is also beautiful! There's this one scene in "Kingdom of The Wicked" where she is describing re-attaching her own head to her body! How cool would it be to be able to do that? AMAZING! You'd never die if you were a powerful magic person! I'd love to be Darquesse (secretly I idolise her almost as much as Ariel), but then she is going to destroy the world...

So any way, Derek Landy's blog post... READ IT. READ THE BOOKS! THEY'RE AMAZING! http://dereklandy.blogspot.co.uk/2014/04/the-year-of-requiem.html Seriously, I can't believe that the book series I've been reading is finishing on August 28th. That day I'll be running to Waterstones and fighting the small children that are too young to be reading the books off of them because it is MINE! MINE! MINE!

They're the best book series ever and if it is ever turned into a movie I'd hang myself with the pages of the books! You cannot destroy such a beautiful story by a low budget movie with terrible CGI. Seriously a walking talking skeleton and so many awesome creature! The Torment and the spiders. How would you create loads of giant spiders? And the hollow men? And the vampires? It just wouldn't work! And then you'd get all those people who are like "I love Skulduggery Pleasant so much, It's such a good movie. Derek Landy is amazing", when they are not true minions. They haven't gone through the heart brake, the sorrow, the torture, the wait, the fantasies, the pain, the torment, the excitement, the love, the sleepless nights. They would not be true fans.

I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Corridors

Life is like one massive corridor. It's stretched out in front of you in one long path. And then there are doors all along it that are the choices you can make and then those doors lead to more corridors with more doors and then at the end of your life you reach that door at the very end of the corridor with that golden glow around it. This door will either lead you to heaven or to hell depending on the choices that you made earlier on in life.

It would be so simple if God mapped out the best path for us with all or relationships and choices marked out and then we would know the best way to go forward in life. But, instead, we are constantly deliberating at each door we pass that matters to us. This makes it hard for us to know what to do and to know what is right. So we pray. We ask for guidance and we ask for a little bit of help.

It is our own fault after all. We have free will. We abuse it. We make the choices and therefore we are responsible for our mistakes. And then we really regret them. We regret them more than anything. We regret being blinded and we regret not following a dream for the sake of someone else. We regret not making the best choice for us, but making a choice to please others. Just think of all the possibilities that you could have had. But you no longer have them. It makes you sad.

At the time something seems so perfect and brilliant and you think that it doesn't matter. But then one day you wake up and realise how blind you were. How you should have taken the next door or gone back down the corridor to see if the other doors will still open for you. But this is what makes us human, our mistakes. But then again, we might not know that they are mistakes. Nevertheless, we learn from these mistakes and learn not to sacrifice a dream for something that has not happened yet.

So, stop dwelling on it and make up your mind. Do I go through this door or do I keep on going?

Some days...

Some days you can't help but hate yourself. Hate everything about yourself. From your head to your toes. You hate how you are, how you look, how you think that others see you. And you hide it. And today is one of those days.

You hate your body. From the fat you see in the mirror to the fat that you feel on your body. You hate your stomach. You hate the way it is fat and horrible. You hate your legs. You hate how fat they are. How fat your calves are. How fat your thighs are. How you feel the fat on your thighs. You hate how fat your arms are. How fat your neck is. But most of all you hate how fat your legs are. The rest comes off with the legs. You hate how fat you are.

So ya know. One of those days where you just hate everything about yourself.